Book Updates

To those who have hard copies of my book, thank you. You now have in your possesion a very rare item. I went through and fixed a few gramatical blemishes and updated the cover art to print a little closer to what I had initially intended. Of course my love got the very first printing of this book with its little imperfections. Hold onto those rare little gems.

But for those who don't yet have a hard copy, now is a great time to buy a copy of Black Whole Son. You can get the spit polished version. Not real spit, of course.

Rebirth of a Notion

I have a notion.

In the past I’ve really gotten down on the whole 1960’s counter-culture movement. I have questioned their intents and effects. But now I wonder.

Perhaps the hippies set the stage. Perhaps that great rupture of ‘peace and love’ was planting a seed. I will take that as the case for now. Those who study information systems will recognize that once an idea has found an introduction, it will continue to survive. For instance, even the idea of a flat earth persists and a handful of individuals continue to hold onto this idea. They find data to support it and much of it one could find very persuasive.

The concepts of peace and love, the purported foundations of the counter-cultural movement of the late 60’s, have universal appeal. Who amongst us can argue against the virtues of universal peace and universal love. Can we really say that these are inimical goals?

Another aspect of that time was the concept of personal and individual freedom. Are these not also gallant quests?

The 1960’s failed. The revolution many saw as inevitable through the strength of the Baby Boomers’ numbers never manifested. But that seed was planted.

I see now a bud forming from that seed. A pale stem lurks beneath the surface, pushing against the crust of the earth. As an experiment, let us all in this new year focus on doing everything we can to nurture this seedling. What harm can come from peace, love, and freedom?

Dream

Last night I dreamt that I saw an extremely tall black man. I walked up to him and looked up at his face. He looked down to me and asked, "What are you doing?" I replied, "I've always been tall and often wondered what it's like for others to look up to me."

News: Jake Approves of Spying

In a controversial move sure to haunt his upcoming bid for President, Jake recently announced that he supports spying.

"Covert Information Gathering (CIG) has a long and proud tradition in this country and around the globe." In further statements he made it clear that spying would be a part of his administration. "From the Peeping Tom to the Private Dick, people want to know things ordinarily shrouded in secrecy."

The outline for his program, received through an anonymous source, makes clear that Jake wants to expand the current spy network. An excerpt reads;

The paranoia surrounding any form of CIG and the questioning of the reliability of the sources inevitably leads to an escalation in CIG. Bringing everyone into the business of CIG hastens our progress towards it's inexorable goal. Life, Liberty, and the Perusal of Others' Happiness!

The plan for universal espionage calls for the creation of a national 'dumping ground' to which everyone can post their gathered information. Likewise, any individual can search the board for 'dirt' on any other individual.

Jake's theory behind this? "When we learn that people from all walks of life are doing things we never imagined, for instance that (high ranking politician's name deleted) is an alcoholic cross-dresser or that (media pundit's name deleted) is balling three to five guys a night while stoned out of their gourd, maybe people will stop being so titillated by it all and learn how to mind their own business."

Nothing At All

The ghost of Milwaukee
Just glides down the hall
He asks the tough questions
He walks into walls
What if our history means nothing at all?
Means nothing, nothing at all

Three-some

My lover gave me a three-some for X-mass.

I got The Waco Brothers' Freedom and Weep and two Tool DVDs, Schism and Parabola. Very groovy stuff.

What were you thinking I meant? You read too many dirty books.

More AWPC

OK, so work has been somewhat interesting this week.

Sitting around the lunchroom, I explained how one could theoretically employ the same equipment used in hospitals for MRI's in a smaller model to remove the metal slivers from a person's hand at the end of the work day.

Worker 1: See! I knew you were a smart one.
Worker 2: Well, he did used to be a teacher.
Worker 3: And a priest.
Me: And I'm now a writer on the side.
Worker 1: What the hell are you doing here?!
Me: I like to get dirty.

Timing

There were three extremely sexy, smart, lovely, wonderful women in my house this evening.

I of course was at work.

Damn.

Another AWPC

The ultimate in worker pessimism.

Operator: Day shift said they didn't have to have maintenance come over at all today so I'm sure we'll have quite a bit tonight.

AWPC's

Got two of them for you.

Me: We don't need no stinkin' supervisors!

And

Me Again: It can't be that tight and bouncy without a reason.

Gustave Flaubert

"The whole dream of democracy is to raise the proletarian to the level of stupidity attained by the bourgeois."

Random Thought

For a very long time now, I will look at my hands and not see bloody holes in my palms.

Where has all the stigmata gone?
Long time passing.
Where has all the stigmata gone?
Long time ago.

Holiday Music

There is one Christmas song that I absolutely, positively adore. The Pogues, Fairytale of New York from the album If I Should Fall From Grace With God. This song can actually bring tears to my eyes.

I Like Exclamation Points!

At least one would think so from my recent post titles.

I'll try to tone it down a bit. You know, raving and ranting in a more calm and controlled manner befitting a slave.

Feed the Revolution!

Government doesn't have any problems. Government IS the problem.

People argue up and down about what the founding fathers of the U.S. really intended. If you read up on each of them, you'll get a different answer every time. They couldn't agree on what exactly they wanted. None of us ever can. They did have one thing in common. They could recognize that the system they found themselves under the authority of was tyrannical and intolerable and they had the balls to do something about it.

By reading this post you have agreed to be placed on surveilance under the provisions of the U.S.A. Patriot Act.

They Live!

A big tattooed guy (well, smaller than me) was working the counter at the shop. New guy there. Arms covered in a mess of ill planned ink, much looking like stereotypical prison ink. He was talking with some gal sporting Bettie Page hair about a friend getting new boobs for Christmas. "Everybody agrees she has saggy, flappy boobs." And he was playing the Dead Milkmen, Big Lizard in my Backyard over the store stereo. And he was realy nice and apologized seemingly quite sincerely for me having to wait while he rung up a couple of other people.

Santa Claus is Coming!

As we now enter the longest night, let us each take time to offer up a sacrifice and invoke Santa, that he may appear in fiery red brilliance bringing with him the Sun.

Santa is the light bringer. Strangely, Lucifer is the light bringer as well. He was cast out of favor with Jehovah for giving light to man. Very similar to the Promtheus tale. I guess all those fundamentalist Christians were right. I wish I would have figured that out ages ago. This year I'm actually starting to like Christmas.

And those Christmas trees! Those magnificent Christmas trees in pine, so tall and erect and symbols of eternal life even in these, our darkest hours.

People everywhere sacrificing. They always spend a fortune on gifts and never get what they want out of it. Except the return of the Sun. That's sacrifice! Those milk and cookies that kids leave out for the Light Bringer? Yep, ritual sacrifice. An alien cultural observing this would find it an interesting twist on the Sunday Mass where WE consume to Christ's Mass, where the light bringer, he who was cast out of heaven, consumes the sacrament.

Happy solstice everyone. Santa is coming and he brings with him the Sun.

Hail unto Thee who art RA in thy rising. Even unto Thee who art RA in thy strength. Who travellest over the heavens in thy bark at the uprising of the Sun. Tahuti standeth in His splendor at the prow and Ra-Hoor abideth at the helm. Hail unto Thee from the abodes of night!

Snow

We got snow and ice here in Portland. Not much. But it doesn't take much to turn this town upside down. Fear and Loathing on the highways.

Rejoice!

Is a God to live in a dog? No! but the highest are of us. They shall rejoice, our chosen: who sorroweth is not of us.

Adult Material

For those wondering why when you try to view and/or purchase Black Whole Son you get a message saying, "This storefront contains content not viewable by your content access level," here's why.

It's adult material. To view and/or purchase it, you need to create an account on Lulu.com and set your content access level to 'mature'. Then you can see the book, the cover art, and even download a free preview selection.

Happy reading!

Public Enemy

So the Goddess and I were talking over burgers, milk shakes, and fries. A lot of people seem paranoid that the FBI might be tapping their phones and reading their mail. I laughed. I've known for years that the FBI has a huge file on me and likes to check in on the old phone lines and letters business every so often. It happens when you demand some of those things granted by the Consitution. But there, in the corner of the burger joint, it dawned on me;

Who else has been eaves dropping on me? Naval Intelligence has had complaints brought against it for far exceeding its bounds on domestic intelligence gathering. Then there's the Dept. of Homeland Security, they might want to know what I've been up to. Even the CIA has had its wrists slapped a few times for spying around in its own country. And what of local law enforcement? Nobody shares information with other departments. They all think that somehow the others have been infiltrated and will leak the goods to the 'enemy'. So while I used to sleep soundly knowing that the FBI was watching over me and my activities, now I just don't know. Maybe even the aliens are in on it. You can't trust those Doggies from Sirius.

The middle aged gentleman in the next booth wasn't looking too healthy by the time I got done ranting about all of this. I didn't mean to frighten him. I was just theorizing that maybe even the Discordians have super secret sleeper agents planted everywhere, waiting to pounce on the squares in the dark alleys of their minds.

Hooray!

Hooray for wild mood swings! That means life will get a lot more interesting for me. When I've got the big ball of chaos following me around, even ordinary events get a little english on them.

Why do people try to medicate this shit away? Until you see the blood stains on the wall, don't worry so much.

Magick

Thursday I did an Invocation of LIL. It has put me in a very strange head space for a few days now. Strange and wonderful. Playful. Ecstatic. Fantastic. Light. And I've had these wild swings from peaceful meditative budha with eyes unable to focus to large and in charge ego maniac who smiles at the 12 volumes on the book shelf dedicated to his favorite person, himself. But in both cases, I feel a lot of love. I go from loving myself to loving everyone. And while I can find fault with people, I can't find fault with individuals. People are strange. People do all kinds of statistically average things. Individuals can't do anything statistically average, and that's lovely.

I even love GW today. That man has provided us with an icon that surpasses Nixon. It was a damn difficult task, but he did it. Wow. Cheers on that.

That whole administration has taken paranoia and plotting so far beyond what people who lived through the Reagan nightmare could have imagined. Able to whimsically blow off behind the scenes scandals that make Bill Clinton's and JFK's affairs seem trite. Wow.

And those poor politicians who call themselves Democrats. Emperor Norton abolished both political parties during his reign as king way back when. And those poor Democrats are trying so hard to do the will of the people. But people want very strange statistically average things that most individuals don't want. But those Dems just keep right on trying. Way to stay the course. Kudos.

And here I am, alive and happy and acting freely despite all of this. I hope it doesn't bother them much. I know royal families in other countries don't often seem all that happy. This emperor feels pretty good right now. Maybe I have to. No castle, no crown, no jewels. Maybe I need to keep the positive energy up to compensate for the lack of physical manifestations of my status. If somebody wants to give me a castle or two I wouldn't say no. Preferably one with a siege tower so I can use it to drop gelatin products on 'invaders' like people selling satellite television or politicians.

What do you mean yesterday? I don't know what you're talking about.

And LIL didn't seem nearly as short as God. Not short at all.

SpaceTime

You were just imagining it. It never really happened.

You were just imagining it. It never really happened.

You were just imagining it. It never really happened.

Magick

I sent a friend a demon helper by the name of Buné. Absolsute success in my book. He is now richer than he was before. I love using magick to help my friends.

Red in the Neck

I've got one hell of an outfit on today and a mood to match.

I'm wearing my duck cloth Utilikilt, a black t-shirt (of course), a tattered red flannel shirt, my old suede rust colored Silverado cowboy hat (14 years in this hat), a green denim jacket, and my gigantic 30 hole steel toed 'WTF You Looking At?' shiny boots.

The whole thing is this weird punk/cowboy/grunge ensemble that's neither here nor there. Yet this weird combination has come together to create something uniquely and fantasticly 'me'. It pays to experiment with weird combinations.

So to fit that mood, I'm listening to the latest podcast from Bloodshot Records. Acts like Deadstring Brothers and Waco Brothers are really doing it for me right now. But it leaves me wondering why Bloodshot hasn't picked up Fluffers Union yet?

Women in the White House

Some say that Hillary Clinton is set to be the next President. I'm all for women in the White House. Hillary's husband is all for women in the White House as well.

Why is it that the older I get, the more national politics looks like those 'class president' popularity polls from high school? Did your class president ever represent you or your ideas?

Favorite Things

While there are plenty of things in life that make it a wonderful experience, there is one thing that I love and plenty of other people love that so rarely gets mentioned. Warm clothes fresh out of the dryer always feel great. On a cold day, especially so. Even on a hot day they can feel good. I've worn line dried clothes. Even when they've been hanging in the sun, soaking up the rays, it just can't beat clothes fresh out of the dryer.

Difference of Opinion

Recently Knight of Pan and I had a heated debate over Stan 'Tookie' Williams specifically and the death penalty in general. As brothers fight ye!

Both of us have really strong opinions on the matter and we don't see eye to eye on it. But I want to thank him personally and publicly for an excellent discussion of the matter. It's this kind of discourse that I find the most refreshing. Of course, that's why I've always liked Knight of Pan.

A co-worker recently took offense to the fact that while we had many similar musical tastes, I didn't enjoy listening to Van Morrison. She was determined that somehow I had made an error of judgment. Explaining that I loved many bands that she had never even heard of didn't seem to patch over this rough spot.

When isirkus and I went to see the opening of Maybe Logic with a special Q&A with Robert Anton Wilson, a member of the audience questioned how he could like light classical but not contemporary jazz. Somehow the questioner felt that the author not liking jazz was a mistake that could and should be corrected.

As people, we won't always agree on things. Quite often we can't even agree to disagree. Somehow knowing that someone you love doesn't share the same world view as yourself seems 'wrong'. I have yet to find a single individual that will agree with me 100% of the time. We all have our differences. If I could have one trait in common with the rest of humanity, it would be the understanding that while we are all more alike than different, we are still all different from each other. Don't take it so personally.

And thanks to Hayduke for watching and commenting on the whole affair.

Divine Communion

Had another visit from the Lady in Silver last night. Who is she? Read Cosmic Trigger. To make it short, I came to Her as Saturn, She called me Adonis, and She had me drink from her cup.

Citations

Quite often in the midst of a conversation someone will pull a quote, statistic, or theory out as ammunition. Things like 'The Wall Street Journal says,' or 'Mark Twain once wrote,' or even 'Nazi Scientists discovered...' I use references quite a bit myself.

On three occasions now, people have quoted or referred to material from my book, Black Whole Son. Once the person couldn't even remember the source of what she was citing and was a bit embarrassed when I pointed out it was from my book. It's all so fantastic! Less than a month and people reference the book. I am a citation source. Yay!

To Kill or Not to Kill

I won't comment here about my opinions on the upcoming execution of Stanley Tookie Williams. I've already got an excellent dialogue going on with Knight of Pan.

But I would like to point something out here. Have you noticed that people in favor of carrying out his death sentence will typically use the photo on the left and those who argue for a stay of execution tend to show the photo on the right?

Thus God Spake

God came to me in a vision. You know how people often joke about how, "He's shorter than I expected." It's true. I've talked with him a couple of times. Nice guy. Really short. Likes to wear strange outfits and speak with funny accents.

Long story short, I'm in charge of the whole world now. It's kind of nice. That means I can travel anywhere around the globe and still be at home in my kingdom.

God's a nice guy. Really short though.

White

I have never liked Spike Lee. In my opinion, his films are grade A typical of what comes out of an NYU film student. On the other hand, that formula made a much bigger star of Martin Scorsese than it did of Spike Lee.

Watch this. Are the people giving him a fair shake? Are they actually listening to what he is saying? Is what he is saying the least bit plausible?

I'm about as white as they come, and I feel real sorry for Spike in this clip. I don't know if he is right or wrong, but the people aren't even responding to what he actually said, and that's sad.

Wilson Quote

Through the years, (Robert Anton) Wilson and (Albert) Hoffman have stayed in touch. "He's a fan of my books," says Wilson, "and I'm a fan of his drugs."

A GOP Christmas

Now, there are some who would like to rewrite history.

George W. Bush

AWPC

As soon as I heard the guy say this, I knew that this was my AWPC for the day. So I grabbed my pocket notebook and wrote it down, word for word.

Operator: I was like fuck. I mean the bread, son-of-a-bitch. Tuna fish by itself? Fuck. I mean fuck. All eatin' it and shit. Fuck.

Dig DiRT

'Back in the day', as I like to say at work, X and I had worked on a little something we called Demented Radical Thinking, DiRT. We cultivated this as a means of altering reality through the use of our minds. People tended to consider us quite nuts for it and we would often accept the compliment as the freight train rolled through the classroom.

Turns out, we weren't nearly as original as we thought at the time. We did, however, find ourselves in good company. Salvador Dali utilized a method he called Critical Paranoia. While not as all encompassing as DiRT, I must still give a nod to those who trod this path before us.

LAMP!

The League of Armed Marijuanna Patients has great quotes from George Washington, John Adams, Lysander Spooner, and Friedrich Nietzsche.

Spookiness

This girl doing overtime freaked me out last night. Never worked with her before. Nothing really wrong with her. In fact, that's the origination of the freakiness.

Imagine an alien species is looking at humans in America. They scan our communications (radio, phone, and television) to determine our habits. They figure out what kinds of things are going on, what is acceptable, what isn't, and they are now ready to send an agent to the surface for some field work.

So they send the agent in to Walmart to buy everything they need, because it's America's number one retailer. They then try to put together a fashionable ensemble based on what they can get at Walmart and what they have seen in media sources. Trust me, it's very, VERY frightening.

Very nice person. Almost too nice. Almost. See, it's just sort of alien. It's almost like I should turn the whole situation over to the Committee for Surrealist Investigation of Claims of the Normal.

Happy!

Came home from work in an extremly good mood. Not sure why. I'll just take it.

Black Whole Sonnier

I thought about it for a while and have decided to cut the cost of Black Whole Son. You can now buy it for $1.00! Or just $8.05 for a printed copy (plus shipping). This is a first book, written in (less than) one month. The cover rocks! That's what makes the printed version such a value. But I make the same either way.

It really is a great book. Well worth the money to download a copy for a read. So the price has come down to take away everyone's excuse for not buying a copy. You'd spend a buck on a lotto ticket, and this provides some guaranteed entertainment.

Wikinformation

So some hot shot journalist gets upset because a Wikipedia article implicates reporter in the Kennedy assasination.

I like Wikipedia. I like it because I know it is flawed. Anyone can add content. Opinions are part of encyclopedia entries. And if you disagree with an entry, you can add to, edit, or replace it with your own. I like to hound this point but here goes again. When you look up topics in Britanica and Wikipedia, what is the difference between the entries? What makes one a more reputable source than the other? Here's my answer. The authors for the Britanica pieces operate under the delusion that they are seperate from the piece, impartial. They aren't! Light seems to travel as a wave or a particle depending on what we use to look at it. A scientist could be completely objective and talk all about his experiences looking at light waves. Another scientist could be completely objective and talk all about her experiences looking at light particles. Neither is wrong, but their data won't match. That's all information that reaches us. We see what we are looking for. Using an opensource project like Wikipedia is a constant reminder of who the ultimate editor in your life has to be.

Further lessons:

How do you know that the New York Times is telling the truth and the Weekly World News is lieing?

Why did a majority of the population, including Democratic Congressmen and Senators, believe the pre-Iraq invasion intelligence reports?

How is a person in an American flag shirt and a yellow ribbon on their SUV more or less patriotic than an artist who suspends a crucifix in urine and makes people walk across an American flag if they want to view it?

Information consists of what you directly experience. Your brain then filters a good deal of it before you can even 'think' about it. Ever met a reporter? No brighter than you or me. Imagine all the filtering that happens in their brains before writing a piece. Then an editor reads and filters. Then you read an filter.

Mis-Information, Dis-Information, completely altered and edited reality. You create your own reality, every second.

And if you disagree with all of the above, then you are not right or wrong. You are seeing the world through a filter that blocks or edits some of the information.

Happy Holidays!

I found yet another wonderful ode to the holiday season. Check out the video at http://www.karkis.net/. It feels as though the universe has conspired to get me to like December again.

On a Roll

Government is not reason, it is not eloquence, it is force; like fire, a troublesome servant and a fearful master. Never for a moment should it be left to irresponsible action.

George Washington

Embrace Technology

Life imitates jokes. Not too long ago I heard jokes about the 'iProd'. Now I see geek girl's new best friend, the iBuzz. Cyndi Lauper was right.

Santa IS Evil

We sat on the couch and watched 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' tonight. Some things I noticed.

Santa learns from the animals much like shamans do.

When the Winter Warlock's heart unfreezes and he wants to be good, Santa encourages self determination over salvation.

When Santa gets married, not only is the ceremony outside in the forest, but the bride is wearing BLUE! Way to go, Santa!

I'd swear the 'first christmas tree' has rose croix with unicursal hexagrams in the centers.

The extreme right christians might have something when they call Santa Claus evil. After rewatchng the old film even I like the Santa presented.

Smarter Than Cap'n Crunch

Looking at the back of my cereal box.

It asks me how many bells I can find hidden. Easy.
A. None since all the ones I saw were in plain site, or
B. Indeterminate since they are, after all, hidden.

And the final stretch of the maze was cut off by a starburst graphic instructing me to have an adult help me cut out the ticket. So you can't finish it. You're blockaded.

Doing it Right

At work I found myself having to bend over to wire up a new motor, clutch, and brake on a preset table. True to form, I knew my ass crack was showing. For a few seconds it bothered me. Then I remembered, "Hey. I'm doing electrical work. If ever there is a time to have one's ass crack showing, surely it is now!"

So I bared it with pride. And of course no one complained. I was merely showing my professional work credentials.

A Thought

If nobody but I can build myself up, than nobody but I can tear myself down.

Black Whole Son Available!

That's right! Now everybody can purchse a copy of my first book, Black Whole Son. Well not everybody. You have to be 17 and older. Which means it has to be good, right?

What's that? You want to know how to buy my book? You can purchase it at lulu.com.

I've tried to keep it affordable. Only $9.23 for a copy you can hold in your hands and $2.18 for the el cheapo downloadable version. So go get a copy of Black Whole Son right now!

For the Sake of Accuracy

A friend recently posted on their blog:

"But hey- I know better than anyone else that things are not always what they seem."

Not true. My friend Rolfe knows better than anyone else that things are not always what they seem. Anyone who knows Rolfe would most certainly agree. And the rest of us are just posers in the freak kingdom.

Cyberhugging

"Daddy wants to give you a hug. Put on your special suit."

I think most of us can figure out where a suit that can simulate increased temperature and pressure via net interactions will REALLY get used.

Men (and Women) in Black

Shirts!

I had opted not to make shirts for sale at Cafe Press since they had no black option. I have one non-black shirt in my own collection. It dates back to a 1992 Dead Milkmen concert.

But now I can sell Black T-shirts! Pretty freakin' awesome.

These fabulous designs let you show your patriotism and distrust of systems of power simultaneously.

Consume! Consume! Consume!

Note: Every time I try to avoid profanity by using the term 'freakin', the Blogger spell checker suggests I change it to 'foreskin'. Pretty foreskin awesome!

I'm a Winner!

It's official. I submitted my manuscript to NaNoWriMo and was declared a winner. That little icon over there proves it. Or you can check out my profile and see the nifty winner's banner around my picture. Warm fuzziness for certain.

Abolitionists

"…Buckminster Fuller and Werner Erhard have proposed that we can and should abolish starvation by the end of this century.

"This goal is rational, practical, and desirable; so it is naturally denounced as Utopian, fantastic, and absurd.

"I wish to propose a similar goal, which is also rational, practical, amd desirable, and which will also be denounced as Utopian, fantastic, and absurd.

"I suggest a worldwide War against Stupidity."

Hagbard Celine (or Robert Anton Wilson), 1980

Teaser Time!

Dieu LaRue, a devout deviant and playboy, has just found out that his best friend, Howard LaDuke, is about to become a father. In what he sees as a last stab at freedom, he convinces his friend to join him on a cross country journey on motorcycles to chase down a past that never was and a future that can never be. What they are looking for and what they find are not what they expect.

Join Dieu and How as they indulge in sex and drugs and sex and motorcycles and sex and magick and sex in a journey through space and time on a plotted course to an unknowable destination. The answers to all of their questions and misgivings reveal themselves in chaos and order. Their misgivings and questions to all of the answers veil themselves in order and chaos. Who is the Black Whole Son?

A Super Car in Every Garage

Everybody needs a super vehicle. Not a Hummer or some other off the lot piece of crap, I mean a real super machine. But I probably think this way due to my imprints as a youngin' in front of the ol' idiot box. What was I watching? Knight Rider and Dukes of Hazard were favorites of mine. I didn't like Fall Guy, but I always watched the opening scene to see that big custom truck doing crazy stuff. I didn't like Hardcastle and McCormick but would watch it for the car. And remember The Highwayman with that big tractor trailer setup that would transform into a helicopter to go fight evil for the government? I even liked all of the Herbie films. And the Mad Max films. Damn, that was good stuff.

In the late 90's I went nuts over motorcycle films. Easy Rider, Wild Angels, and Rebel Rousers were my favorites. The bikes in those flicks are memorable. I watched many others, but the bikes just didn't have that unique appeal.

In recent years, there are only a couple of extremely unique super vehicles I've seen on television. There's Apu's Firebird and Snake's Lil Bandit. This might have a lot to do with me not watching television and not paying for cable to get some of the stranger shows. I know you've got things like American Chopper and Monster Garage, but that's not the same. You can't develop a relationship with those vehicles. They aren't imprinting. KITT imprinted. STEALTH imprinted. The General Lee imprinted. Captain America imprinted. The Australian Ford Falcon, "The last of the V8 Interceptors," imprinted. (Why do you think Beyond Thunderdome sucked so bad?)

So this Thanksgiving, I give thanks for super vehicles, the customizers behind the scenes that built them for almost no glory, the stunt men that made them look so damn fun, and the actors who were nothing without them. Without you, I would not be who I am today. And my neighbors wouldn't be cursing that I work the night shift.

Meat!

Work gave me a turkey again this year. What the hell am I supposed to do with a 19 lb bird? But hey, at least they gave me something. And there's quite a few people at work who can actually use a turkey like that to feed their family.

So I've invited a couple of people over to try and put a dent in this bird. But everybody's busy. We're doing it Saturday instead.

And we're still going to have a lot of freakin' meat leftover. We'll freeze most of it and eat on that crap for WEEKS!

19 lb bird. Damn.

Super Ultra Uber

Went out and bought groceries. Got home, let the lovely Kris out of the truck with a handfull of bags and keys to get in the door. I pulled up the rest of the way. I loaded down my right hand with five grocery bags and a lunch box. I then looked at the 50 lb. bag of Purina Dog Chow and thought, "Well, it's worth a shot."

Folks, I lifted a 50 lb. bag of dog food out of the bed of the truck with my left arm while carrying groceries in my right hand. I even hoisted it onto my shoulder so I could get in the house easily.

That made me feel pretty freakin' uber.

New Excerpt Posted

After an e-mail from someone who played a rather important role in this book being written, I've decided to post a new excerpt on my NaNo Profile.

Warning, this excerpt is so incredibly Not Safe For Work! Thought you folks wasting precious company time or sticking it to the man might like to know.

Buy Nothing Day 2005

I just wanted all of my readers to know that this Friday, November 25th, is Buy Nothing Day!

That's right. For 24 hours those of us who choose to participate in BND will do so by not participating in consumer culture. Why do I choose to observe BND? Remember the feeding frenzy on toys like Cabage Patch Kids and Tickle Me Elmos? Remember family trying to insist that it wasn't about the presents even though they spent tons of time and cash on gifts? Ever found yourself in a mall during the holiday shopping season surrounded by stressed out shoppers and having to listen to that damn music until your ears bleed? I have a solution for you. This Friday, buy nothing. Shortly after that my book will be available for sale and you can buy it for all your friends! Problem solved. Merry seX-Mas!

So let's all band together and make this the worst first day of the X-Mas shopping season ever! (Sorry X. That's what you get for having your own holiday.)

Perfectly Smutty

I have it on pretty good authority that I have written an NC-17 novel. I didn't mean to. It just sort of happened. And of course nobody who knows me would believe that.

A couple more stops and Black Whole Son will be available for your consumer needs.

Done!

I have done it! In just three weeks time I have written a 50k+ book.

Next step, I will have my beloved read the book and correct all of the frammatical errors. I have left room for mistakes. But Regardless, I have done it. I have succeded!

In your face Space Coyote!

Black Whole Son

Well, that's the title of the book I'm writing. It's gotten me this far and I'm sticking to it. How far is this far? I've got 2,300 words to go. See y'all tomorrow.

Meta-Programming

You know you've got a loser script when you constantly hold everybody else to your own standards and yourself to everyone else's standards.

A winner script should contain holding yourself only to your own standards and realizing that you will never live up to them, so don't sweat it. As for everybody else, don't worry. Don't worry about your coworkers, your friends, your family, your boss, that policeman, the president, or intragalactic invasion.

There is an old Discordian proverb:

When in doubt, fuck it.
When not in doubt, get in doubt.

Groceries and More

At the grocery store buying food and beer.

Checkout Girl: I need to see your ID.

Me: Certainly. (Hand her my driver's license.)

Checkout Girl: (Several glances back and forth.) This almost doesn't look like you.

Me: I've lost a lot of weight.

Checkout Girl: Not to say big isn't beautiful, but you look good.

Yucky!

Maynard James Keenan is known for venting his personal angst through the abstract metal of his former band Tool and the poisoned art rock of his current outfit A Perfect Circle.

Personal angst? Abstract metal? Poisoned art rock? Fucking music critics.

Biker Trash!

AWPC

Jake: Time to go home and write me some biker trash.

So what's the book about? That's what everyone asks.

It's about sex and drugs and sex and motorcycles and sex and magick and, uh, did I mention sex?

When a guy like me sits down and writes whatever comes to mind, well...

Novelty Report

More NaNoWriMo Madness. I've reached the halfway point of over 25,000 words. New excerpt posted.

Something Political

I haven't commented on my run for office. Ever sicne God appointed me emperor I've kind of given up on President. I mean, who wants to balance all of that cover up and spin when as emperor you can just say 'make it so' and behead those who defy you?

But I have a promise to make. If elected, I will do what every president I have ever known has done. I will lie and keep secrets. Not a one hasn't done it. And I promise to keep up with that tradition. Of course as emperor I can tell the truth all the time and behead those who have a problem with it. And that's why I'm telling the truth now when I tell you that as your next President I will lie. You have a problem with that?

Salsa y Ketchup

Well they're big and they're long
And they taste real strong
Down at Karl's Disco Weiner Haven Hey

I got girls in their Chevys
Driving up from the levys
Just for my Dico Weiner Haven Hey

Credit Where Due

I want to publicly thank my dad for coming home from work and constantly bitching about the lazy mother fuckers who just wander from machine to machine socializing. I had no idea what exactly he was talking about and wondered why these people just didn't get fired. Now I see them every day. These people wander about, playing catch with knotted up rags, trying to chat up the girls, and generally ignoring their work area. Then I, as maintenance, have to go over and 'fix' their machines because they're so filthy they are no longer working right. It's my job to fix them, so I spend five minutes cleaning all of the crap out, and they run great. Then these same people wonder why they don't get raises or promotions.

You want to mess around and slack off at work? Fine. Just don't go creating work for me. When I come over and tell you that I cleaned the shit off of one of your sensors, that means you aren't doing your job. When I clean parts out from under the drive unit to keep your belt from jamming, that means you aren't doing your job. When I run pipe cleaners through your rivet tubes so the parts can keep up, that means you aren't doing your job. We're told we have to fix these problems regardless. Well, just don't get pissed when we haven't had time to make replacement parts for when a real problem occurs.

And thanks, dad. Due to your constant gripes about these types of people, I am now one of those hard working individuals who can bitch about the lazy mother fuckers who just wander from machine to machine socializing.

Divinity

If you watch an hour of porn and an hour of the 700 Club, in which would you hear "God" repeated more often?

If you watch an hour of porn and an hour of the 700 Club, in which would you hear "Money" repeated more often?

Brother?

Since moving west I've run into many occurences of people calling me:

1. Buddy
2. Dude
3. Bro

Buddy? Okay, I can handle that friendly familiarity. Dude? Damn, even I've let that one slip a few times now. But Bro? Yeah, I got an issue with that one.

Bro is a shortened form of brother. People in the OTO can call me brother. My wife's sibling can call me brother. My sister can call me brother. Outside of that list, there are only two guys who have called me brother and I believed them. One is big, drinks a lot, and has threatened a good number of my friends with a huge sharpened piece of steel. But he's never threatened me, never would, and when he called me brother, I knew he meant it. The other is a skinny little southwestern anarchist who lived with us here in Portland for a short time. I think he may have even called me bro a few times. There's some other people who could call me brother and I'd believe them, but they haven't yet.

Long story short, hardcore theoretical anarchists, burly Vikings, and cult members can call me brother. The rest of you should be rounded up and shot for extreme misuse of a sacred term. Or maybe gnawed to death by weasels. Yeah, weasels.

Simpsons Quote #1

I used to get Simpsons quotes rampaging through my brain on a very frequent basis. It has clamed considerably these last couple years. But one stuck in my brain today.

Homer: Stupid sexy Flanders.

Beliefs

Several things on beliefs crossed my path recently. I've got some free advice.

Don't believe anything! This can prove quite difficult. I sure have problems with it. Hunches can help. Theories come in handy. Beliefs will trick you.

I don't believe the world has a globe shape. The probabilities seem high. Research data from people I've never met at institutions I have never visited all point to a somewhat globular shaped planet. But if I 'believe' this, I surrendor to the fantasies of the unknown and might as well believe that the earth is actually an inverted sphere. There's some really excellent mathematical measurements that can consistantly prove this. Flat Earthers have some interesting commentary as well that can seem quite persuasive. Evolutionists and 'intelligent design' proponents both speak from their deep seeded beliefs.

Beliefs have a lie in the center of them.

AWPC

Dean: The best maintenance man is the one who has figured out how to not actually do anything.

Chocolate

For those of you who seem to think that Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was better than Tim Burton's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, here's some advice.

PUT DOWN THE CRACK PIPE!

Burton's was superior not just in special effects and cinematography, but was leagues beyond the old one in actual story. Casting and costuming, the two are equal. Gene Wilder plays a great creative old nut as his screenplay called for. Johnny Depp plays an excellent overgrown child as according to his script. The kids and their parents in both did phenomenal work.

NaNoWriMo

People wishing to keep up with my NaNoWriMo progress can view my profile here.

I've got an excerpt posted there that should make it's way into the final in some form. But don't let it fool you. Most of the book is the a proven best seller methodology of sex, drugs, and motorcycles.

Novel Update

I was thinking about how many words are needed to complete the NaNoWriMo challenge. You can hardly call 50,000 words a novel. It's a decent book, maybe a novella. I reached over 8,000 words tonight. If I can keep up this pace I can not only complete the project in time but maybe even have time for some revisions.

And for those wondering if they can read this when I'm done, yes. I will make it available, probably as a self published title. I might even give away a few copies.

Just Watch Me

So I quit my MMORPG so I would have more time to be creative. What flies across my path but NaNoWriMo. I've taken the bait. I've signed up. I will now proceed to write a novel, a grand and craptacular novel, in just one month!

And of course I will keep everyone here updated.

Great Minds

Johnny Cash could cover anybody's songs and they'd sound great.

Anybody could cover Bob Dylan's songs and they'd sound great.

AWPC

Me: I'm playing with isopropyl alcohol and high voltage at the same time! And people wonder why I love my job.

A Simple Realization

When rockers play another artist's tunes, they're a cover band.

So why don't we call the London Philharmonic a cover orchestra?

While I'm Talking About Smoking

A guy at work told me that he was trying to curb his smoking since his little boy now lives with him at least half the week. Then on the next break I had the misfortune of hearing him have a telephone conversation with the mother of the child. (I hate cell phones.) The two of them accused each other of several things, most of it revolving around their son. The two do not live together and their only relationship now is the one they entered into by deciding to bring this child into the world.

My two cents on this. I would rather see a parent chain smoke in a small room with their child than to see the mother and father fighting around and/or about their child constantly. I've known plenty of fine individuals who grew up with heavy smokers. Children of fighting parents, even if the parents don't live together, always seem to have some issues they have to struggle with to overcome, and that's the lucky ones.

So I say to no one in particular; You had enough interest in each other at one time to make this child possible. For your child's sake, let go of the negativity and light up.

Lighting Up

While hanging with the smokers in the break room last night I had an idea. Today I researched it. Let's take a look at my findings.

About 24% of Americans are smokers.

About 400,000 smokers die annually.

About 2,450,000 deaths occur annusally in the US.

That means about 16% of the people who die, were smokers.

Why do I suddenly have the urge to light up?

And here's another little statistic while we're at it. You have a 100% chance of dieing. Yep, every human ever born has either died or will die.

Have a nice day.

AWPC

Worker: So what do you think about being on maintenance?

Me: It's like playing with really intricate Legos all day.

Worker: That's what I'm talkin' about, man.

Suspect

Another update on my attempt to not actively seek out news.

I now hold all news sources suspect. I have a feeling that they have always had less than the pure "journalistic integrity" people seem to go on and on about. In the little bit of news that has filtered it's way to me I have seen;

- Stories about the horrors of New Orleans after Katrina hit.

- Stories claiming the news 'sensationalized' the storm and it wasn't all that bad.

- Stories saying the news 'glossed over' the real horrors of the storm and that things are really much worse.

All of these came from 'credible' news sources. What should I believe? Well, there's only one way to set all of this straight. I must invent a time machine so I can go back and experience it for myself and draw my own conclusions. All other news stories useless babble when there is that much contradiction in them.

Speaking of useless babble, what about the undermining of journalism by intelligence agencies? The CIA will admit to planting stories in foreign news sources but swears up and down that they would never and have never done such a thing inside the U.S. Let's assume they aren't feeding us a cover line. That still leads to some major problems. A lot of people get their news from foreign news sources. A lot of news stories get researched using foreign news sources. Reuters and AP pick up foreign news stories for circulation domestically. Foreign intelligence agencies might plant stories in our news media. That's not to mention any possible miscommunications due to translation.

Everyone seems to accept that the weather forecast consists of probabilities. So does the rest of the 'news'.

Excercising the Right Lobe

Last night I decided to do some art. I didn't. But I did today.

Oh Holy Night

Halloween is hands down my favorite of the widely celebrated holidays. It's one of the few that isn't part of the dominant religion's or dominant government's list of holidays that we must celebrate. And it has managed to retain a huge pagan feel.

It also acts as a great warm-up holiday. The harvest themes of Halloween flow well into Thanksgiving, needing no change in colors, just a little in iconography. By the time X-Mass roles around, you surrender to the garish decorations having recently partaken in two holidays with decorations that didn't bug the shit out of you.

And it's the only day of the year that a legal adult can wander the streets while wearing a mask and not get an immediate Dept. of Homeland Panic smack down.

Hard to Explain

While visitng with several people from my past I had to answer the obligatory inquiry into, "What are you doing?"

I explained how I worked in a factory fixing machines and how much fun I had doing it. Some people said they were amazed how happy and healthy I looked and they were glad I had found something I enjoyed so much. Others seemed horrified that I had given up on my computer graphics past and had a real hard time comprehending how I could possibly enjoy working in a factory.

I have a hard time putting it in words. Let your preconceptions go. Look me in the eye. Watch the expressions on my face as I talk about it. I might have a hard time explaining it, but you should find my sincerity written plainly in the sparkle in my eyes.

Blue Collar Priest

As I told a coworker today, I may be the first ordained minister to perform a wedding ceremony in Red Wing boots, Carharts pants, and a Dickies shirt.

AWPC

Ray: When I visit Florida I've got family I can stay with no matter what I feel like doing. One of my uncles is an ordained minister and another is an alcoholic.

Me: I'm an ordained minister AND an alcoholic!

Sweet Land of Liberty

I don't hate everything about this country, I just prefer to rant about my dislikes. No happy happy joy joy boring ass blog.

So what's one of the things I really like about this country? I don't have to devise strange euphemisms to tell people that I spent my birthday naked on the couch watching 1970's porn. At least not yet.

Fluffers Union!

I found myself lamenting the fact that I haven't heard any really decent music in quite some time. I kept listening to all the suggestions people made of all these really great up and coming underground rockers. They all suck. Seriously. It seems all serious scenesters want to hear music about the banality of growing up sub-urban. Emo- Alterna- Souless- Sack-of-shit rock. I didn't grow up in some bland, colorless suburb. I grew up on a family farm during the Reagan years. I grew up around a grandfather who had been in the meat packer's union and a father in the steel worker's union. Life was dirty and hard and despite everyone's attempts to rose color it, you could always smell the pig shit in town and out. It ain't pretty.

And that's when I remembered that I met a talented young man in Austin, Texas who had a hell of a good band. Fluffers Union will never make it big. Sorry guys, you're just too good to ever be popular. But thanks for taking away my "modern music blues".

Spam, Spam, Baked Beans, and Spam!

I was going to erase the comment some spammer managed to leave for my FEAR lyrics, but found the irony to sweet for destruction.

I Don't Care About You

Down on South Street Philadelphia,
Out from Avenue C,
I seen it in the eyes
it was ready to freeze
from the valley hotel!

I don't care about you!
Fuck you!
I don't care about you!
Fuck you!

I see Hollywood boulevard,
welfare hotel,
I spent the night in jail,
near the Wicox hotel!

I don't care about you!
Fuck you!
I don't care about you!

I've seen an old man have a heart attack in Manhattan.
Well he just died while we just stood there lookin' at him.
Ain't he cute?

I don't care about you!
Ohhhhhhhhh!
I don't care about you!

I see man rollin' drunks,
bodies the streets.
Some man was sleepin' in puke
and a man with no legs crawling down 5th street trying to get something to eat!

I don't care about you!
Oh noooooo!!
I don't care about you!
Fuck you!
I don't care about you!
Hey! Hey!
I don't care about you!

AWPC

ME: I'm one of those rare weirdos who actually LIKED running the grinders.

MAINTENANCE LEAD: That's why you're in maintenance now.

Kill Your Television!

I really hate television. If I go into a bar that has a screen on, it sucks me in. Sports, news, game show, doesn't matter. I always end up raging against the feed.

Last night on lunch break two guys were talking about television channels. Not shows, but channels. I can never join in on such a conversation. I don't even watch The Simpsons anymore. I'll occasionally rent some flix, but otherwise the TV stays off, draped with a piece of dark red linen. I think the advertising did me in. It started with political ads. They made me feel mentally ill. Then the ordinary commercialization started to hammer me and the physical pain hit me.

I don't care how few clothes the chick is wearing in the commercial, I've tasted Pepsi and know that it is crap. I don't care how tasty they make that burger look, I've eaten at McDonalds and know that it is crap. I don't care how highly ranked the Ford Ranger is, I've driven one and seen the resale values on it and I know that it is crap. And don't you dare try to sell me anti-depressants! Every one of the symptoms of depression I exhibit can be traced directly to living in a consumer culture where I look around and see a logo on everyone I see (Harley shirt in the mirror included). Depression is a natural reaction to that.

And thus I overhear a guy at work saying, "I'm totally a TNT guy."

Learning Tolerance

Some things in plant maintenance are real slap dash, grab a wrench, hit there, pull this kinds of things. But we do some fairly precise work, too.

For instance, today I had to move a 200 lb. spinner head 1/1000" back and 5/10000" to the right. To accomplish this task I was given two micrometers, a 9/16" socket wrench, and a lead hammer. If we didn't have this close of a tolerance, the rivets on the saw chain we make would give out in about a tenth of the normal life expectancy. Compared with that, my graphic design layouts might as well have been slapped together by a monkey, and any mistake there would not result in the possible loss of life or limb.

On another project, I had to put on a new plate for a spinning parts bowl. This has a tolerance up to 5/1000". before the bowl doesn;t spin right and the parts will jam in it. Using a spinning micrometer and two hex wrenchs I managed to get the entire radius of the plate within 2/1000". with just two passes around.

But this stuff is all just child's play. We're the slap-dash maintenance out on the floor. The big boys in back have got it rough. Most of the stuff they make must meet a tolerance of about 1/10000" or less.

So today I learned that tolerance does not always mean being more accepting.

AWPC

Tim: Did you cut yourself?

Me: I don't think so.

Tim: There's blood on the spin plate.

Me: Oh. Yeah. I guess I did.

I'm Peach!

A friend sent me a link to http://www.ImpeachBush.org/.

I say, Impeach ALL Politicians!

Drug Test Lotto

Thursday was "Random Pee Day" at work. It's that day when the folks in the office pick people at random, have them urinate in a small plastic cup, and if they screw it up, they get fired.

Let's put aside that Reagan's Nazi Regime implemented this and made certain that it was all nice and legal despite it's obvious violation (IMHO) of the 4th Amendment of the US Constitution. Especially considering that to win a government contract you have to have a drug testing policy in place. But that's all another issue. Let's just forget about that for a moment.

What if, along side the punishments for failing, they gave out prizes for passing? Give employees a reason to actually want their name drawn in order to remove some of the negative connotations associated with random drug testing. I suggest a weekend in British Columbia or an all expenses paid trip to Amsterdam.

X

Think "beach volleyball meets J. Edgar Hoover" and you'll be extremely misguided.

Swede Transvestite

The "Fucking" Chorus

I don't swear a lot. Hardly at all, really. I have no objections to profanity and even think that most people need to really lighten up about the whole thing. So why does it bother me when some of the people at work say "fuck" constantly?

Repetition! Expand your vocabulary. Talking with you gets boring when a full third of the conversation consists of just one word.

Exhibit A:

I went to the freaky park and saw a freaky freak there that freaked my freaky mind. Freaky freaks freak with me.

See? The sentence can make total sense, but it's repetitiveness blurs the brain.

So fucking stop with the fucking repetition you fucking fucked up fucks!

WTF?

There were rumors of the maintenance nightmare known as "packaging". I had heard tell of how maintenance would get called there to fix one problem and then get stuck with three or four things that suddenly "popped up". And I had heard a tale of how they had been called to packaging just to adjust a chair's height.

My first day training in maintenance today. We got called to packaging. The first problem got fixed quick. Then someone asked us to adjust their chair. Then three more problems "popped up".

Journal Entry

I've journaled for several years now. I have over a dozen volumes of the stuff. But for once, I want to share something that I journaled the other day. It says a lot about how I feel right now. Here goes...

I like getting dirty at work. I like the oil and coolant and the funky industrial smells of the factory. I like the filth under my nails and the cuts on my fingers. I like going out to public places without showering after work, smelling like a 'working man'. Now I get to move into maintenance and make machines run. I can honestly say, That Is Fucking COOL! I love it! I really do. All through my childhood people acknowledged my intelligence and creativity and tried to push me into a more professional track. But this, this I love. And right now I feel really good about moving out west and starting over. I may need money, but I feel good about who I am and what I do. And I feel happy that I figured this out fairly early on in my life. And I feel glad that I worked the office scene first so that I can truly appreciate what I've got now. I'm a dirty, smelly, working man.

Hookers on Stilts

Some may have noticed the addition of a link to the right.

She looks super sexy in a plaid skirt. She can make middle aged immigrant men willingly give up loads of cash and booze. She has more issues than Time Magazine. Surprisingly, she isn't a Portland stripper.

Keeping up with Hookers on Stilts is one of my dirty little secrets. I suppose now that it's no longer secret, it's just dirty.

Don't Make Me!

So you goddamn blog comment spammers want a piece of me? Come on, mother fucker, COME ON!!! I'll delete every last piece of your crap. The comments section will remain and I'll rip you up.

If you're going to comment, comment. Don't say "ooo, nice blog, check mine out." Bullocks to that. Instead say, "Hurray for guns! Hurray for dope! Hurray for freedom and the government not getting involved where it doesn't belong." You blog spammers got the grapes for that? Huh? Huh?

Come on ya pansies!

Don't make me speak L33+

The Freedom Fight

On the gun scene, No Guns For People Wishing to Protect Themselves from Looters or Forced Evacuation by Government Authorities.

On the dope scene, Medical Marijuana Laws Don't Make Teens Into Pot Smoking Hippies.

I've sworn off news. Really. But it keeps seeking me out.

That Long?

I haven't set foot in my home state for a couple of years now. Now the time has come for a return visit. My sister has made plans to get married on October 22nd and I get to officiate! WOOT!

For those of you still living in Canadia Expatria (aka. Minnesota), we need to make plans to exchange pleasantries and insults. I'll have very limited time available, so you all have to share. Remember your Sesame Street lessons? Good. Regardless, if you wish to see me during my trip back, you should contact me so I don't inadvertently miss anyone. It will probably take shape as a bar gathering of some sort, quite possibly at the CC Club.

And if anyone out there wants to get me a gift (my birthday occurs the week before my visit), I have this strange desire for a First Ave t-shirt. In Minneapolis they make you look like a total poser. Out here, nobody knows. And I like to think that I can fool most people into thinking I'm not a poser.

So let's get together and shoot the shit, chew the fat, rub some elbows, and maybe even spend some time reminding each other how much better we are than everybody else. Because you know what (insert your name here)? I like you. You're not like the other people, here, in the trailer park.

Joe Bob Bat

British Bats Are Hillbillys.

What Every Kid Needs to Know About Sex

The absolute worst sex I have ever had, still put a smile on my face.

Now go practice abstinence or some such.

Sex Education

Time for me to espouse more of my personal opinions on things that other people seem to really give a shit about.

Let's talk about sex education. Kids need some form of sex education other than "don't do it, son" or the total cop out of "wait until you're married". Those answers just don't cut it. And the stuff that passes for sex ed in schools. Damn! It amazes me how in a semester long course a teacher can tell you all about sexually transmitted diseases, masturbation, and pregnancy without ever showing pictures of genitalia other than internal mechanistic diagrams.

So this is my plan for kids to learn all about sex and still delay having sex for as long as possible. PARENTS! Tell your kids EVERYTHING about your sex life from the first time up to the present day. Explain it in vivid detail guaranteed to produce technicolor nightmares for years. Your children imagining you having sex will delay the inevitable for at least three years. And when they do get around to it, they'll have genuine, anecdotal knowledge. What 12 year old hormonally horny boy really wants to hear about your experimentation with dildos and butt plugs? He'll listen, in fear, horrified at what he is hearing, too scared to run away. And if you want to show them what sex is without breaking out the home video, make certain to rent films made for those with a taste for 'mature' individuals. Hell, they might swear themselves to celibacy right then and there.

Changes

I won't be grinding saw chain after this next week. They replaced me. Instead I will be joining the maintenance crew, fixing the machines that make and grind the chain. I feel pretty freakin' cool about that.

One Man, Two Women!

Screw the "Traditional Family".

Embryo With Two Mothers Approved

Non-traditional breeding has advantages.

No News IS Good News

For nearly two weeks now I have not read, listened to, or watched any news source other than science news and local weather. So that means for a little over a week now everybody has told me all about the goings ons in New Orleans.

I feel like an old farmer who gets all his news by going to the local cafe every day for lunch and talking with the locals. His entire world view gets formed by what other people think and tell him about current events. Except I can see this taking place. I saw the same phenomenon taking place with standard news sources. A reporter will either write from their personal vantage point, or learn to write from their editor's vantage point. Likely their editor will have the vantage point of the owners. It leaks through. Most news stories in a standard, metropolitan, daily, all have the same feel and betray a similar bias. I wouldn't call it liberal or conservative. The best descriptor I can come up with? Business Casual. What does news sound like coming from friends, family, coworkers, and vociferous strangers? Listen to an eight-year-old tell you about the last movie they watched. Now layer it with heavy opinions usually criticizing the government, a broader vocabulary, and some profanity thrown in for good measure. Yeah, something like that.

And it sounds better. These 'news sources' know that they have chosen to interpret events. They don't feign impartiality. They tell you not what they heard or saw but how what they heard and saw affected them.

And in the last week I have seen awe, anger, sorrow, and something I can only describe as hollow disbelief, not in a negative way, but as one would expect from trying to comprehend something so unfathomable.

Best of all, I didn't waste any time on news. Oh, and I guess the Middle East has remained pretty fucked up, too.

The Big Teat

All around me I have heard talk about the devastation of New Orleans and the failure of the governments (local, state, and federal) to respond in a timely and appropriate fashion. In other words, people look at government not just as the authoritarian figure that tells us what we can and cannot do, trying to poke it's nose into all of our business. People have never seemed to like the masculine aspects of government. This disaster has shown that Americans also think of their governments as the mother. When things go wrong they expect the government to come sweeping in and make everything better. You know, apply some bandages, kiss some owies, and give you a big bowl of chicken noodle soup. And when the government didn't do that, people felt abandoned, orphaned.

Thus I maintain my position as an Anarchist. Reliance on organizations of any kind will lead to disaster. To the best of your ability, take responsibility for yourself. Those of us who can should help those of us who can't. We should have that as a natural instinct. Preservation of the tribe. For some reason or another, it has gotten washed away.

And now for some truly personal opinion. Those at the bottom end of the pay scale (95% of Americans) should donate time to the efforts. The rest should empty their bank accounts to support those doing the work. My $5.23 (adjusted for inflation in a post-disaster America).

Si

Pura Vida

Disaster

Since I had sworn off news right before Katrina hit New Orleans, I only pick up bits and pieces of what has happened via word of mouth. One of the first things I heard was how my employer got a massive influx for saw chain orders. A similar thing happened when Sweden had a huge wind storm that leveled the better part of a forest. Until working there I had never really thought of how vital saw chain is to disaster clean up. I guess the giant tsunami even boosted the orders.

AWPC

Maintenance Guy: Your bike is so loud. I was standing at the 7-11 and could have sworn you were 20 feet away. I looked and you were already way past the Taco Bell. That thing is loud, but it sounds good.

Americans Winning the Drug War!

The fine freedom loving folks of America are winning the Drug War! Just check out these statistics on National Marijuanna Use and you can see it for yourself. Despite the illegal status of marijuanna, more than a tenth of Bostonians, in the proud tradition of their founding fathers, reported using marijuanna. Boston Tea Party, indeed! That's right, they REPORTED using marijuanna within the 30 days previous to the study. That means a lot of people probably didn't report their drug use. After all, using marijuanna IS illegal. Not only that, but more casual users who only break the law a few times a year also may not have had their use counted.

I salute you, proud strong Americans. You understand that just because some government tells you not to do something that affects only you (and those who choose to get all dramatic about your personal choices) that you don't have to listen if you don't want to. You have stood up for Liberty. You have not let them push you around or silence you. You fine, proud Americans are WINNING the drug war against a tyranical government that wants to pry into as many aspects of our personal lives as they can get away with. I may not be sparking up a bowl but I feel better knowing people are. Fight On!

"It's not a war on drugs, it's a war on personal freedom. Keep that in mind at all times." -Bill Hicks

I know, I said I would swear off news except for science news. This crept into one of my science news sources.

Fruit

I could really go for a banana right now.

The Problem With Campaign Promises

Check out my friend's blog on the pickle Minnesota's Governor has gotten himself into.

Knight of Pan: Gov. Pawlenty Learns Crime Doesn't Pay!

If you tell voters you plan on taxing them rather than cutting services, you can not win an election. If you tell voters you will not raise taxes, but then do, you usually wind up not getting re-elected. Rarely does anyone decide to cut services. That's the government crack. Everybody wants their services. Gimme Gimme Gimme!

As the Divinely Appointed King of North America, I here-by abolish all individual taxes and shift that burden over to business and industry and heavy tarrifs on all imported goods except beverages. God told me to do it.

Cruising

I went for a sweet ride today.

Filled the '73 up with gas, started heading for the veggie stand, then said, "Fuck it. Food can wait." Hit some backroads and got a beautiful view of Mt. Hood surrounded by farmland and trees. Couldn't tell you any of the roads I took. I just rode.

Should do that more often. Best ride of the summer.

Serial

Pile enough crap onto a situation and the human brain just shuts down and can't seem to fathom it. Like when you find out your kindly old uncle who you've always thought highly of is a pedophile priest heroin addict with mob connections and the world's largest Bazooka Joe comic collection. You hear the words but the scale just slips by.

George and his Junta do that to a lot of people. Foot-in-mouth disease, lieing pig fucker, priviledged daddy's boy, draft dodger, corporate thief, business failure, arrogant bastard, coke fiend, alcoholic, puppet. Can you feel the brain just glazing over? You read and register each one but by the time you finish the list, the first ones have just sort of disappeared and the rest will soon follow. So you think of the guy as "messed up". Well, we all feel messed up at times. We can gloss that, right? No, this guy defies our sensibilities. He goes so far beyond fuck-up.

Feel free to use that as a talking point with any Bush supporters. Accuse them of letting their brains shut down. Offer to take them to a psychologist.

Dead Milkmen - Brat in the Frat

Hey!
I do not like you college brat
I do not like you and your frat
I do not like you at the shore
I do not like you drunk on Coors
I do not like your average life
I hope you do not take a wife
I hope you don't decide to breed
Cause that's one thing I do not need

I do not like you radical
I hate you and your fancy school
You're wrong about the working class
I hope they kick your Harvard ass
I do not like you world of ours
I'd rather live on planet Mars
And die from lack of oxygen
Than breathe the air of other men
Hey!

Giving Up News

I wish I had a heroine or amphetamine addiction. Programs and treatment methods exist to help you kick those habits. People in general will seem supportive of your efforts. Instead, I have decided to stop feeding my news addiction. It sucks. While clearing the news sources from my start page, I couldn't keep myself from clicking on five headlines. Yesterday I seemed powerless to keep from scrolling down my subscription menu that lists the latest headlines. Strength and perseverance. I want to give up news for one month. Just one month. I don't want journalisticly filtered reality. My senses will guide me. Just one month. I can feel the shakes coming on. "Just one news story, come on, check out the Sydney Morning Herald." NO! No news. I can do this.

I realize that the random news event will filter through my co-workers. Inevitable. That doesn't count since they seem to get the facts screwed up half the time anyway.

No radio news. I got the tape deck working.

No television news. Not even the weather.

I will allow myself one guilty pleasure. Science news. But only once a week.

NEWS FLASH!

Despite concerted effort by the Bush Junta, many people still thinking for themselves.

Pat Robertson

This man needs to perform seppuku. Then I might consider him truly apologetic.

Speaking of Things

I want a British accent.

When I say things with my mid-range, middle American accent, sarcasm can sound bitter or get missed entirely.

The Brits have the perfect accent for sarcasm and dry whit.

Sympathetic PMS

Last night I had a dream.

I stood in a chocolate shop, wanting desperately to purchase a dark chocolate tart.

I would ask for the dark chocolate tart, but the staff kept pointing out other dark chocolate delights I could purchase, and never gave me the dark chocolate tart.

I know it's not my period that's coming, but I'd still like the dark chocolate tart.

Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Bush?

Damn, this pig fucker seems to be able to get away with just about anything. Not talking about anything specific. Just saying this guy has the nation wrapped around his agenda just like Hitler did. Which doesn't make sense when you consider that Hitler had a powerful public speaking ability and King George can't even read his lines without fucking it up.

Maybe he should try to communicate through interpretive dance. Then instead of lieing he could say that we just misunderstood him.

Critical Mass

I think the blogging in my circle of acquaintances (since I have no friends) has nearly peaked. One individual who started to actually use their account to just sort through their own head, seems to have acted as the infamous straw. Shortly after that, just about everyone who will blog had started up a blog.

Reminds me of when I used to put one too many scoops of shit in the wheel barrow.

On Reading Blogs

I feel a lot better knowing that I AM insane. It gets really tough reading blogs of people who for one reason or another think they aren't insane.

Death to everyone except 12 individuals of my choosing, 137 random males, and 976 random females. I'm speaking only of humans. We need all the corn and puppies.

On Being Cool

Being cool is fucking awesome.

I wasn't always cool. For years, growing up, it seemed like everyone insisted I wasn't cool. I accepted that. Then one day I looked up to discover that somehow I had become cool. It was a relatively easy transition. All I had to do was stop trying, stop caring, and just be myself. There was a cool person inside me just waiting to emerge.

Luckily I don't mind isolation because being cool can be a bit lonely. The hip and the trendy have loads of friends they must surround themselves with as constant reminders that they are part of the in-crowd. The cool stand alone. I think it has something to do with the cool aura and people falling into the "I'm not worthy" mind set. It's all good. It means people don't bother me at the coffee shop when I'm trying to read or write.

The best part about being cool is making hip, trendy types squirm in discomfort. It takes a lot of work to be hip. You have to be seen with the right people, eat the right food, wear the right clothes, listen to the right music, and drink the right beer/wine/coffee/tea/whatever. It also seems to help if you can list at least ten bands that no one has ever heard of but you 'know' are the greatest undiscovered talents. I don't have to put up with all that bull shit. I can hang with rock stars, Jesus freaks, and rednecks if I so choose. I can eat at Taco Bell or Big Daddy's BBQ instead of going out for bento, sushi, or mock dog shit or whatever else is the plate du jour. I can wear a beat up t-shirt and my oily, smelly work pants. I can buy a Rolling Stones greatest hits album without having to appreciate the irony. In the middle of August I can drink dark beer and dark roast coffee. The hip crowd knows that their trendy status is tenuous at best, and my presence is a constant reminder of the fleeting nature of their shaky social standing. One screw-up and they will get shamed off to the suburbs. I can do all kinds of stupid shit and it will usually just make me cooler.

I didn't really want to be cool. At some point in the middle of the whole grunge/slacker hip scene I just said fuck it. A few years later, all these people started telling me how cool I was. They just don't stop. Everywhere I go people feel the need to tell me I'm so cool. You learn to accept it and live with it after a while. It's a sweet gig. Imagine being able to tell people that The Hives suck, Bjork is barely tolerable, and ABBA rules. And I can maintain that position indefinitely because I don't have to stay hip, I'm already cool.

There-in lies the danger. I'm cool as long as I never try to be hip. Luckily I have no clue nor any desire to be hip, so I'm safe for now.

Terrorist Profiling

I continue to see and hear a lot a hulabula about young male Muslims of Middle Eastern origins. Supposedly this group and only this group should be targeted for terrorism profiling. At least that's a lot of what seems to cross my path.

Let's be fair. The second largest terrorist attack to happen on U.S. soil was in Oklahoma City. The young man who was put to death for this crime was Irish-Catholic and former U.S. Millitary.

The guy credited with the assasination of JFK was white and former millitary.

Remember the bombing spree where some young white guy thought it would be fun to stick bombs in people's mailboxes in hopes that the resulting explosions would leave a smiley face if mapped from above?

What about the SLA?

A little Helter Skelter in the California suburbs?

Columbine?

Sorry folks. Your pleas for racially based profiling fall on deaf ears here.

The Miracle of Children

A guy at work told me, "Having kids is the best thing I've ever done in my life." What a grand accomplishment! The guy manages to get one out of a billion sperm to perform it's biological imperative on three separate occasions. He has managed to bring three more resource consumers into the world. Not having had kids, how could I possibly compare the worth of my life to his? I mean I've only done things like;

- Starred in a short film directed by an Emmy award winning videographer opposite a prime time television actress
- Washed dishes at a small country club
- Had a one act play written about me and performed
- Worked as a security guard
- Have been in three bands
- Butchered and plucked chickens
- Directed stage lighting for a pop band
- Been kicked out of bars
- Organized several music festivals
- Sold designer perfume knock-offs door-to-door
- Built a custom chopper
- Participated in a 'cat trap shoot'
- Received international attention for my assemblage sculpture work
- Repaired hay wagons
- Hosted a weekly radio program
- Dug ditches
- Designed the cover for a best-selling erotic sci-fi novel
- Shampooed hotel carpets
- Abandoned someone else's car in the middle of nowhere
- Was ordained as a minister
- Pissed on the grave of someone I didn't even know
- Received a Doctorate of Divinity
- Shoveled shit twice a day
- Was a shop steward during the largest State Workers Strike in US History
- Scrounged through my room mate's cigarette butts for the half smoked ones
- Guest Lectured at several Universities
- Fell in love

I know, I've lead a pitiful existence. Maybe if I could father a child, if instead of raising cows, pigs, sheep, horses, chickens, ducks, dogs, and cats, I raised a homo-sapien, maybe then I would know a true sense of accomplishment. Maybe if I succumb to the process by which biological forms have propagated their species for millennia, maybe then I could say I've done something worthwhile in my life.

Until then I'll have to just keep writing, drawing, sculpting, filming, playing, and doing whatever else comes along in a vain effort to feel successful.

The Reds

Why is it that Republicans, once thought to be so anti-Communist, now seem intent on making every state in the U.S. a Red State?

By Right Divine!

The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Caliber X from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Jacob Arthur, was to carry Caliber X, the Gun of Power.

That is why I am your King!

At the risk of alienating a few states...

WEST COAST SECCESION NOW!

Push Some Buttons!

You can get the official campaign button by going to CafePress.com. I've kept them simple so that even people who hate me might not mind wearing one.

Quantum Realities

Just finished re-reading the Schrödinger's Cat Trilogy. It has a lot of fascinating observations on politics in general and president's more specifically. If you can handle one of the weirdest reads you'll ever do, then I challenge you to read it.

People Power!

My spouse and I went clothes shopping today. She needed some new jeans so she tried on a couple pairs of Levis. She came out of the dressing room and wasn't certain, so she handed them to me and started to peruse the wall some more. Out of curiosity, I peaked inside at the tag.

"Whoa! Check this out! This pair is made in Egypt but this pair is made in Pakistan."

She looked at me, took the jeans, and put them back on the shelf. "I can't do it."

We then left the store without making a purchase.

People, THAT is power!

Mr. Environment

Most people have accepted that we are losing trees at an alarming rate. Mountainsides are being stripped and the rainforest is being destroyed.

If elected, I promise to quit my job manufacturing saw chain that aids in the removal of trees. Since I am the number one production guy, this will slow the production of the tools of tree removal. And if they have to hire two people to replace me, I'll be creating valuable manufacturing jobs.

It's win-win!

SEX!

Concerns over the proliferation of sexual content seem to be popping up all around me. People seem to wonder if there isn't too much proliferation of sex in TV, movies, magazines, and video games (to mention a few sources). In my humble opinion, individuals and groups who want to regulate sexual content are a bunch of puritanical pukes trying to ruin my life. Ever tried flipping through broadcast television channels in search of something even remotely sexy? I might catch a glimpse of breasts on National Geographic, but that has nothing to do with 'sexy'. That is about cultural differences and merely serves to remind me that I am surrounded by puritanical pukes who wish to regulate the content available to me over public broadcast signals.

And of course people will always yell and scream about the children. We MUST protect the children. If you have a child, YOU have to raise them. Until they are legally emancipated from you, they are your responsibility. Many people will offer help and advice and your job as a parent is to take it or leave it. Here's the short and sweet of it. Don't let your dog shit in my yard. Don't let your kids peruse my porn.

And if you're concerned about media content, stop consuming media. Believe it or not, it is possible.

Checking In

I'm glad to see my bid for President on the skids so early on. If I thought for one second that I might actually win, I think I would have to bow out.

Violent Reality

"The Iraqi people are growing in optimism and hope," Bush said. "They understand that the violence is only a part of the reality in Iraq."

I'm so glad that violence is only a PART of the reality in Iraq.

Gays in the Military

I strongly support the right to keep and arm bears.

Flag Etiquette

Reportedly when Peter Fonda was riding around Los Angeles on Captain America in his Easy Rider costume, trying to break in the gear and give the bike a more 'used' look, he would get pulled over a lot. Part of it probably had something to do with a long haired guy riding around in the middle of the night on a chopper. But it was also partially due to the American flag motif. You see, it's just not proper etiquette to use the American flag in that manner. While it wasn't (and still isn't) against the law, it sure as hell pissed off 'patriotic' Americans.

Of course now the flag gets recklessly plastered on all sorts of crap. A lot of misuse comes from people's ignorance. Don't be ignorant! You can read up on etiquette at sites like this one.

The sudden proliferation of flags in and on motor vehicles is one of the most striking problems (don't even get me started on flag use in advertising). It's sad to see a battered, faded, wind shredded flag fluttering along on some person's car. Even more troubling are the stickers. Just to make it nice and sparkling clear for everyone, when a flag is displayed on something that moves such as cars, busses, little red wagons, or the sleeves of your jacket, it should be applied in such a way that it will appear to be flowing in the wind. In other words, the stars should always be forward with the bars flowing towards the rear.

Which brings me to a truly sad thing I spotted. The local motorcycle police ride Kawasakis. That in and of itself churns my stomach. Police are paid through the taxation of Americans who presumably work in America for American companies. A perfectly suitable American motorcycle manufacturer (who shall remain nameless) provides law enforcement models for purchase by police and sheriff's departments. There is no need to be buying foreign made bikes for the job no matter what the savings. (Yes, that's a personal opinion and I'm standing by it!) But far worse than that, the flag decals on the right hand sides of their motorcycles are facing the wrong way! The bars are forward.

All of this shouldn't bother me as much as it does. I'd be more likely to join in a chorus of The Pledge of Defiance than that of allegiance. I have my reasons. But damn it, if you want to show your patriotism by flying an American flag you should take the time to do it right! I own two flags, myself. The first one I received was draped across the coffin of my uncle/godfather who served in Korea in the Navy. I later received my grandfather's coffin flag. He had served in the Army during WWII. On a few occasions I have displayed either of these flags. Each time I have done so with full observance of all recommended protocols.

I have seen people burn flags in protest and later asked them if they were familiar with the proper etiquette. They always have been. I have seen the flag flown upside down and asked the individuals if they knew what it meant. They do. So to see a bunch of so called 'good American patriots' fucking around with the symbol, oblivious to their desecration, is really sickening. Your ilk are right up there with those who willingly followed the blind patriotism of Nazi Germany. That's right, just go along with the crowd and you'll be fine. Don't talk to me about patriotism and respect. Don't go shoving your flag in my face unless you want me to dip it in kerosene and stick it up your ass and light it.

Was that a bit harsh? Tough shit.

A Link Between Abortion and Crime Reduction

Check out this blog for a discussion of how the legalization of abortion in the 1970's might just be responsible for a decrease in crime from the mid-1980's through the 1990's.

This Just in: The Bush Family Knows More Than You

Fortunately, the Jeb Bush klan in Florida has backed down from their attempts at keeping a 13 year old girl from getting an abortion. Story via Reuters.

Now, can anyone in the class tell me what right the government has in determining individual health care decisions regardless of age? Now, this is just a broad interpretation of the tenth amendment to that fine old document called the US Constitution, but I feel pretty certain that it is NONE of their damn business!

And I'll go you one further. Until that kid is squeezed out and the cord snipped, it is part of someone else. If I want to cut off my hand (see "The Bible"), remove an ear (Picasso), pluck out an eye (Bible again), or have my apendix removed (common), the government has no right to intervene. Instead of calling it an abortion, call it a "fetalectomy". Or think of it as removing a cancer that will be a burden on you emotionally and physically for the rest of your life. And don't give me that "sanctity of life" crap. That's a belief system and others are not required to adhere to it. Get used to it.

And as long as I am ranting (wipes foam from around mouth), which is crueler?
A) A 13 year old getting an abortion
B) A 14 year old giving birth
C) Having to listen to me rant

Education

It's time to take a crack at espousing my position on education.

Everyone but Americans seems to know just how badly our public education system is failing. I have a solution with proven success.

When researchers enter the classroom to test out their latest educational structure theories, students in that classroom always seem to do better. The added attention and excitement of experimentation encourages students to perform well. Why don't we take advantage of this by turning every classroom into an education laboratory? Not only would students benefit from the extra attention given them by researchers, but we would create an atmosphere of exploration that just might lead to some real innovation. Such an endeavor could put our nation back at the top again!

Punk in Drublic Again

What the hell is it with blue laws? Aren't these completely outdated? Shouldn't we just throw them on the junk pile and strike a match?

In Minnesota I cold not go to the bar after 1:00 AM. Now in Oregon I can't go after 2:30 AM. It makes no sense. I am on a graveyard shift. Everything I do is on a different schedule. Shouldn't the ability to quaff alcohol on a whim represent that? And shouldn't I have the ability to walk down the street with a bottle in hand without getting worked over by cops? I know I could devise a way to prevent the pratfalls, but it doesn't make up for unjust laws. If I want to drink at 6:00 AM and a bar is willing to serve me, what right does the government have to intervene in that process?