Clinton + Obama = WTF?

I read the news this morning and stashed it away for later reference. It intrigued me.

Clinton hints at sharing ticket with Obama

Asked on CBS's The Early Show whether she and Obama should be on the same ticket, Clinton said: 'That may be where this is headed, but of course we have to decide who is on the top of ticket. I think the people of Ohio very clearly said that it should be me.'

I wake up, run some errands and flip on the radio. The vipers of liberal talk radio are going crazy ape bonkers over this. OMG! McCain is on easy street. OMG! Clinton and Obama are still fighting. OMG! There is the possibility of a unity ticket. OMG! I left my hybrid double parked across two handicap stall while getting my latte. OMG! The Democrats are going to lose again and I'll have to run back to suburbia crying. Seriously freaking out.

Let me give you a little outside perspective. If politicians were team players they would never get elected. Some jackass will always come along and convince the team player to drop out for the good of the team. They play to win. Yes, if the Democrats were serious about winning the election this year they would have gotten these two into a dark room a few weeks ago, hammered things out, made decisions for them, and emerged with Hillarack! The unstoppable beast. It still might happen.

Which brings me to my second point. Why are Democrats so seriously divided over these two candidates? I've been trying to figure out what the difference is between them. Their platforms are nearly identical with some small bickering over technicalities. Yet there are people who would gladly let Obama use their face as toilet paper but they wouldn't piss on Clinton if she were on fire. Though if she wasn't on fire they almost certainly would piss on her. It's like two huge armies surging against each other for no good reason when what they should really do is kill their masters* and peaceably go home.

I'm still in the race and still vowing an end to as much government as I can get my hands on. I'm not afraid of the Hillarack!

*It's just a metaphor. Do not go out and physically kill a politician. Just kill their careers by refusing to accept their authority. I don't need to become part of the over 1% of adults currently incarcerated in this country.

Get To Know Jake

Q: What is next to your bed?

A: Three bottles of lotion, a copy of Grimm's Fairy Tales, a pack of batteries, and a set of ear plugs.

Proposition 3-17

Guinness is trying to make St. Patrick's Day an official US holiday. You can go sign the petition and I encourage everyone to do so. Of course they have an ulterior motive. Anyone who knows better than to drink the green beer is probably grabbing a Guinness. They want a national holiday dedicated to people consuming their products. Brilliant! If successful this will be the biggest coup since Bud Bowl became a part of every Super Bowl Sunday.

But who can argue with a day off dedicated to drinking?Even though St. Pat's fell on a Saturday last year the plant made us work mandatory overtime. That meant I could only have three Guinness before work and two at lunch. The working classes deserve a day of drink. Labor Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day, New Year's Eve, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Martin Luther King Day just aren't enough.

Next up, Rosh Hashanah and Halloween.

Sub-Prime Crisis!

You've probably been hearing a lot about the sub-prime mortgage 'crisis' recently. Even the federal government is getting in on it. Many of our esteemed politicians are making lots of noise about helping people to stay in their homes. The most touted 'solutions' involve subsidizing loan payback relief or having the government buy up the loans with renegotiated and reduced interest. All done to help the poor suffering constituents who are indanger of being booted from their homes.

LIES! This is not about keeping people in their homes. This is about making sure the banks get paid. When financial institutions make loans they supposedly calculate risk and assume most folks will pay and there might be a few foreclosures. When the housing market was strong foreclosures were a minimal risk. The bank could turn around and resell a piece of shit fixer-upper at near market value. Now with the housing market failing, a foreclosure is a genuine liability. And there are a lot more foreclosures than they had expected. A lot!

Responsibility, people. For those who fell into a sub-prime mortgage situation and are now about to lose the dream home you never thought you could afford, guess what? You couldn't afford it. Sorry. It is time for you to regroup and re-assess. It sucks. Give up the mobile phone, brew a pot of coffee instead of hitting Starbucks, trade your Hummer in on a Schwinn and start over. You got suckered. Don't let it happen again.

As for the banks, I want your heads on spikes in the public plaza. You deliberately tried to fuck over as many people as possible. Telling you to just eat your losses doesn't just fuck you over, it fucks everybody. The only reasonable solution at this point is to burn all banks, burn the Federal Reserve and return to a real measurable standard of currency such as gold or cocaine. Even the old Greenbacks would be preferable. The banks are the compulsive gamblers in the family. When they are on a winning streak they keep raising the stakes. When they lose we have to pick up the tab. Screw that!

Realistically we can't round up the bankers and chop off their heads. Don't expect the likes of Obama and his sub-prime lending cronies to help you out of this one. Most of the other candidates are even worse! I've always been clear on my policies. The Fed must go. In fact, the top folks at the Fed and the major banking institutions that helped create and perpetuate the Federal Reserve System all need to be banished, outlawed. While what they did was not technically illegal, it was foul and directly contrary to the pursuits of life, liberty and happiness for all except themselves. They are not wanted here. They are a threat to the citizenry. There is no place for them here. Let them run away to Argentina like Nazis did after WWII.

In exchange for shutting down the Fed and kicking all the bankers out of the country, all I want is Kykuit.

The Bigot Vote

Hey everybody! Turns out racism is OK. You can even use it to justify your choice in the elections.

It's OK to vote for Obama because he's black | Salon

I believe that most of Obama's supporters are voting for him for the same reason. Like me, they're drawn to his idealism, his youthful energy, his progressive politics. But it's his blackness that seals the deal."

Woohoo! It's a return to the good ol' days. You can vote for someone based on the color of his skin. You could even vote for Clinton based on her gender. Hell, why not vote for another white male just because he's a white male. Apparently some progressives have decided it's OK. Racism and sexism are no longer conservative hallmarks.

One can only assume that the opposite is true as well. So it's OK to not vote for somebody based on their ethnicity and/or gender. Maybe even their religion.

In fact, you should vote for me because I am tall and have facial hair. Or maybe because I have blond hair and blue eyes. Or maybe because I have bigger feet than the other candidates. Or maybe because my personal appearance is exactly the sort of western deviance those damned Fundamentalist Islamic terrorists hate so damn much... and I like to eat pork. Now that it is OK to pick a candidate based on prejudice, there are all kinds of reasons to Vote Jake!

Trend Setting Again

I saw this headline and thought, "Wow! I am always ahead of the curve."

Pain in the pocketbook
Last week, the federal government reported that the Consumer Price Index rose a greater-than-expected 0.4% in January and 4.3% over the past 12 months, mainly because of higher food and energy costs. Food and beverages jumped 4.8% for the year and transportation soared 9.4%.

The article says Americans are starting to really feel the economic pinch. Been there, done that. I went through this for the past five years and only in the past year have I been feeling financially stable again. A little.

But I always seem to be a bit ahead of things like this. It's like being an accidental prophet. So my news to you is that things will get better, but the next few years are going to suck for you. You might just want to commit suicide now and save yourself the trouble. Because suicide isn't murder, it is a late, late term abortion performed for your parents at no charge. And I support greater access to free abortions.

So consider aborting yourself, at least for the next few years. Unless you vote for me in which case I will miraculously cure all of our economic woes overnight. You'll have nothing to worry about. How? Vote for me and you'll find out.

Election Result Leaked Prematurely

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

New Campaign Headquarters

After a scouting mission this weekend, the Vote Jake campaign is moving its public headquarters to a new location. It didn't really have an old location, so the move should be painless.

The new campaign headquarters is the Lucky Devil Lounge. Why would we choose a gentleman's club as campaign HQ? While they call themselves a Gentleman's Club, they are welcoming of people of all genders. So am I. It is also Portland's first and only smoke-free strip club. They did this voluntarily. I strongly support the establishment of smoke-free environments on a voluntary basis. No one should be forced by law to ban smoking. But they also welcome smokers and have provided a heated patio section for them to escape to. It is also a great place to escape to when the DJ decides to deviate from the Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails, and Pantera mix to play Michael Jackson songs. I also encourage private support of the arts. The performers featured at Lucky Devil are very talented artists. The spunky and acrobatic performances of Gypsy are well worth your support. And Mirage was kind enough to pin a Vote Jake campaign button to her panties for us. Artists like these two definitely make the new headquarters a value added venue. The patterned velvet wallpaper is also a nice touch.

Mirage did have a couple of policy questions for me. First and foremost, would I legalize? Legalize what? She wasn't specific but she didn't have to be. I would work to legalize everything I could. Guns for those who would like to have them. Drugs for those who would like to use them. Nudity for those who would like to shed their clothes. Same sex marriage, group marriage, short term marriage, and even self marriage. Get rid of laws and get rid of those who enforce laws.

Which lead to a second question about crime and violence. Logically if you get rid of laws you immediately get rid of all crime. Fear and violence are another matter. Personally I don't feel policing, especially at a federal level, is the way to handle these situations. Much policing would still be done at a local level. You can't stop communities from trying to uphold the values they believe in. We can take away all federal intervention in the process. The FBI, CIA, DEA, ATF, FDA, DHS, FCC, and other agencies dedicated to Federal level regulation of morality should be done away with.

How successful do I expect to be in doing this when elected? Not very. Unlike some Presidents, I recognize that there are other branches of government designed to keep crackpots like me in check when in public office. It won't stop me from trying. If the house and senate want to keep funding these agencies they'll have to do so without my signature. Which should be natural for them since they have been ignoring me and those with similar opinions for as long as I have been in this country (my entire life).

Down On Democracy

Through a conversation with a co-worker I discovered that he voted for George W. Bush twice! I can forgive once. We all have heard the pop wisdom phrase of fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. So yeah, he got fooled twice and is just now realizing that he may have made a mistake.

Of course I was fascinated by the opportunity to talk politics with this person. One of the benefits of working in manufacturing is the opportunity to mix with 'regular' people and crawl inside the workings of their minds. Rather than going ballistic on him, I made inquiries into how he came to vote for the shrub both times, who is he considering this time around and why.

The major theme was one of anti-liberalism. The other candidates were just too liberal. How so? He didn't know. He wasn't even sure what liberal meant. He thought that a liberal was for keeping things the same and that conservatives wanted to make changes. Taking both terms literally he would be dead wrong. Taking them as political positions he would only be half wrong since both parties have a major interest in keeping things about the way they are now. So this time around he is voting for John McCain because we are at war and Obama is just too liberal. Whatever that means.

So I asked him (or 'aksed' him, as he says) what exactly he thinks the next President should do. He wants to see a balanced budget, an end to the war in Iraq, an increase in American exports, a decrease in American imports, and for America to stop being the world's police force. Then vote for me! I'm right in line with exactly what you want. But I don't think he took me seriously.

American style democracy is doomed, dieing, or dead. I don't know which. Or maybe it is working exactly as intended when first devised by the rich white land-owner business men who framed the constitution of this country. But as long as a majority of Americans can be so easily swayed by rhetoric, catch-phrases, propaganda, lies, and all the other trappings of a main stream political campaign, nobody who might do a decent job as President will ever make it past the primaries. The average American will make certain of that.

But I'm still in the race. If Democracy is a joke than there may as well be a punch line. Vote Jake!

Reason Magazine - The Golden Age

With one of the best headlines I've seen on an article in forever, I encourage everyone to go read The Golden Age.

Observers still debate how much safer and more productive drug testing makes the workplace. But there’s at least one outfit that has no complaints about its efficacy. Forty million drug tests at an average of $30 a pop equals a $1.2 billion subsidy the federal government receives from the private sector each year to help prosecute its endless War on Drugs.

Even companies that don't give a damn about employee drug use can find themselves caving in to the demand for a drug-free workplace. Almost all insurance providers demand random workplace piss tests and drug testing after any injury or accident. The biggest lie in this is in testing for THC. Traces of marijuana use can be found in urine for up to a month after the buzz has given out. (While other drugs can be in the system when the user is no longer under the influence, pot is one of the most extreme examples.) In other words, that joint you had for Thanksgiving to make the relatives more tolerable could get you fired the day before Christmas. It's a scam and the medical and criminal justice systems know it and ignore it.

And all this came about shortly after the privatization of the health care industry. Hmmm...

Had the federal government started knocking on our front doors in 1988, cup in hand, demanding compulsory urinalysis, there would have been widespread outrage. Instead, in a move akin to Tom Sawyer convincing his pals to give him their marbles for the opportunity to whitewash Aunt Polly’s fence, the government outsourced its soaking of the Fourth Amendment to the private sector. It was one of the most ingenious policy decisions of the last 20 years.

And as President I will strike this piece of shit from the records using every resource available to me. One employer drug tested me three times in one month. I think they just couldn't believe I was clean. Many employers use "random" drug testing to try and weed out employees they don't like without having to pay unemployment. It is as stupid now as it was when they first tried to enforce it.

Until I am elected, you can still drink yourself into oblivion. Just not before work.

(I think I wouldn't mind it so much if you got to piss in your boss' mouth instead of a cup. If he then rambles for over an hour about how the Grateful Dead are a kick ass band, you're fired.)

Castro resigns as Cuban president

From the Guardian.

The current US president, George Bush, urged the international community to use Castro's resignation as an opportunity to help Cuba, which is home to 11.2 million people, to democracy.

Speaking from a news conference in Rwanda during a five-country Africa trip, Bush said: 'The international community should work with the Cuban people to begin to build institutions that are necessary for democracy.

His calls were backed by Downing Street. A spokesman for the prime minister, Gordon Brown, said: 'Our position on Cuba is a long-standing one, which is that we have always sought to encourage a peaceful transition to democracy in Cuba.'

Perhaps because it is easier to rig an election than a coup or revolution?

Bush: Keep Abstinence In AIDS Plan | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Today's Onion News "What Do you think?" is too good to miss.

Bush: Keep Abstinence In AIDS Plan

President Bush wants to keep a contested provision in his global AIDS package in which one-third of all prevention spending goes to abstinence education. What do you think?

"How much was allocated to dry-humping and finger-banging education?"

"Exactly how much money does it cost to tell people not to have sex with each other?"

Anarchist?

Today it occurred to me that I might not be so much an Anarchist as I'm a political curmudgeon. But Anarchist sounds better.

Vast Satanic Conspiracy

It's all true. And I am part of the Vast Satanic Conspiracy. Hail Satan!

Looks like I've got a shot at the top office after all.

All Apologies

Australia Apologizes to Aborigines. And it came from the mouth of Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, so it must actually mean something.

'For the pain, suffering and hurt of these 'Stolen Generations', their descendants and for their families left behind, we say sorry,' he said. 'To the mothers and the fathers, the brothers and the sisters, for the breaking up of families and communities, we say sorry; and for the indignity and degradation thus inflicted on a proud people and a proud culture, we say sorry.'

Former Prime Minister John Howard refused to apologize. What a dick. One of the things a public education actually taught me was that you don't apologize because you were wrong or you feel remorse. You always apologize because someone tells you to and in your heart of hearts you plot revenge to be delivered swiftly and painfully once that lunch bell rings. Or maybe that was just the people who were told to apologize to me.

As President I would be happy to make all kinds of apologies. I'd say sorry to the Native Americans that we slaughtered, infected, enslaved, raped and generally treated quite poorly. Sorry. And to the former Soviet Union for pushing an arms race that pretty much bankrupted their economy. Sorry. And to all those South and Central American countries where we tried to prop up dictators and unpopular politicians and even gave them training on how to torture and slaughter their own people and gave them the weapons to do it with. Sorry. And to all those pot heads in prison because they like to smoke pot. Sorry. And to France for constantly reminding them who saved their ass in WWII and always calling them pussies. Sorry. And to Canada for always ragging on their beer when we've produced far crappier shit. Sorry. And to Hawaii for loading it up with people that don't even surf. I'm really sorry about that.

Economic Stimulus

PUPAGANDA: Economic Stimulus Plan= Anti-New World Order Stimulus Plan

I am encouraging everybody to take the money they receive from the 'Economic Stimulus Plan' as an opportunity to stimulate Alternative Media.

So PUPAGANDA wants you to buy their propaganda with the tax rebate that is headed your way. That certainly turns it into an economic stimulus plan for them, now doesn't it? A lot of it isn't their stuff but their advertisers' stuff.

Whores! They are out whoring for their pimps. Which sounds like a great way to spend your rebate check. Go get a whore and maybe some illegal drugs. Stimulate the underground economy. Or if you want to support prostitution and narcotics consumption vicariously, vote for Jake and buy my stuff. Stimulate my economy! (Doesn't that sound dirty?)

Waterboarding: Not as fun as it sounds

Waterboarding should be prosecuted as torture: U.N.

The controversial interrogation technique known as waterboarding and used by the United States qualifies as torture, the U.N. human rights chief said on Friday.

'I would have no problems with describing this practice as falling under the prohibition of torture,' the U.N. High Commissioner for Human Rights, Louise Arbour, told a news conference in Mexico City.

No shit, it's torture!

The U.S. Congress is considering banning the practice, in which prisoners are immobilized and water is poured into their breathing passages to simulate drowning.

That is not a simulation of drowning. That IS drowning. It just isn't drowning to death. If you fire a gun into someone's foot is that a simulation of shooting because they didn't die?

Here is a suggestion for proper interrogation technique. We hire a bunch of elderly Minnesotan Lutheran women to do it. You bring in the prisoner. The ladies look up from their quilting. "Are you ready to talk?" If the prisoner replies that s/he isn't, the ladies offer them a cup of coffee and a piece of cream bread covered with cheese whiz and an olive slice in the center and proceed to gossip about how Mrs. Olson uses too much fertilizer on her rose bushes and all you really need are some old coffee grounds around the roots. "Do you need a warm up on your coffee, deary?"

It's just as unpleasant as waterboarding and the UN hasn't classified it as torture yet. And they'll talk.

No More Politics As Usual

They call it a representative democracy. What bullshit. Every one of those fuckers wear suits almost every day. I don't even own a suit. Not a single one of them has a facial piercing or a mohawk. This is all superficial stuff. When it comes to issues things get even worse.

So I'm here to let people know I am prepared to be your representative at the highest level. Because there is one thing we all do that no other candidate will admit to. Like you, I masturbate. Sometimes 2-3 times a week, sometimes 2-3 times an hour. I have not heard a single word about the masturbatory habits of McCain, Clinton or Obama.

Why should this be so important to voters? Because when I masturbate I know I am in charge. No need to go around blowing shit up to prove it because that morning I jerked myself to climax. Not the Saudis, the oil companies, the banks, or the pharmaceutical companies. I did it myself. Some country trying to bust my balls over a trade agreement? I can bust a nut on my own, thanks.

Why is there no other candidate talking about this? It seems far too important to trust to someone else's hand.

Super Tuesday!

So what's so super about this Super Tuesday?

It also happens to be Fat Tuesday! Bring Mardi Gras beads to your polling station and see how many chicks will flash you for a set.

Revealing Politics

A fellow Oregonian is in some hot water. Her name is Carmen Kontur-Gronquist and she is the mayor of Arlinton.

Some of Kontur-Gronquist's constituents say she was out of line when she posed in a black bra and panties on one of the town fire engines and posted the photos on her MySpace page.

Bra and panties? As you can see in the picture, all the 'naughty bits' are completely covered. That seems almost prudish.

I make a promise to all of my loyal supporters who plan on voting for me, yes both of you, that when I am elected President I will allow myself to be shot for a spread in Penthouse. Preferably with some of their hottest Pets of the Month. We could do a send-up of Thomas Jefferson with Revolutionary costuming. I want to show the American people and the rest of the world that my Presidency has nothing to hide. Nothing! This is one President who will insist on complete exposure to the public.

Dear Penthouse, give me a call. Let's talk endowment endorsement.

Honesty

Bush seeks to ease Americans' fears over economy.

I love honest headlines. No bending or spin on this one. Just straight up truth about Bush's intentions. He seeks to ease economic fears the same way parents will seek to ease the fears of their 10 year old cancer baby. Don't worry, Timmy. Everything will be just fine. You'll get better and then we'll go to Disney World.

But the honesty of the headline was shattered by this bizarre sentence.

His seventh State of the Union speech was a chance, however, to set the tone for his waning months in the White House and try to salvage his frayed legacy before leaving office in January 2009.

Let's see, he started off as a warmongering dip shit country club Republican, he served his time in office like a warmongering dip shit country club Republican, ran for re-election as a warmongering dip shit country club Republican, and is generally seen by most people as a warmongering dip shit country club Republican. I think his legacy is doing just fine.

Credit Where Due

It took nearly 12 years of Reagan and Bush Sr. to wear down the clothing and souls to the point that brought us Grunge. W has managed to do the same in less than eight. I guess that makes him an over-achiever.

It was only Grunge if you paid too much for it. For the rest of us there was grunge.

What would eight years of Jake do to the fashion industry?

The Educated Ones

70 Percent of Army Recruits Have Diplomas.

A new study by NPP, a research group that looks at military trends, has concluded that last year, barely 70 percent of new Army recruits had high school diplomas. That's the lowest number in a quarter-century.

The study also found that about 40 percent of new recruits scored in the upper half of the military's general standards tests.

The Pentagon has attacked the study, saying it's getting the recruits it needs.

This is great news! I thought our public schools were pumping out idiots left and right. Turns out that a good number of high school graduates are smart enough to not enlist.

And the military is smart enough to know that it doesn't need the smart kids. They come back either in body bags or mentally fucked, so what's the point of wasting our nation's best and brightest?

Everything is as it should be. I love you, America! You give me hope.

Real Economic Stimulus

I've gone off on the so-called economic stimulus package a couple of times in a couple of places. But I've often been told that you shouldn't bitch unless you have a better idea.

Honestly, I don't know that it is better but it can't be much worse than the crap they are proposing. Who the hell came up with the "Spend Your Way Out of Debt" plan?

Instead of throwing money at the problem, if you really want to create jobs domestically why not ban imports? Wouldn't that be the single most guaranteed way to create jobs in the USA? Someone has to feed our desire to consume. Why not us? Scrap NAFTA and CAFTA and all the most favored nation crap. Ban imports (or just tax the hell out of them) for one year and our economy will slam into high gear like a nitro burning funny car.

That's too easy, isn't it?

I Am Jealous

Surprising Few, Italy’s Government Collapses

Italy’s government finally fell Thursday, after Prime Minister Romano Prodi lost a confidence vote that made it clear that Italy’s leaders know they face a deep political and economic crisis but are venomously divided over how to solve it.

Emblematic of those divisions, during the debate one senator rushed in fury to the desk of a colleague, Stefano Cusumano, and taunted and apparently tried to attack him. Mr. Cusumano, 60, reportedly cried, then collapsed.

“If I had the chance, I would have spit in his face,” said the attacker, Senator Tommaso Barbato, who had to be held back by his colleagues. His action came after Mr. Cusumano changed his vote to support Mr. Prodi.

After the vote, which Mr. Prodi lost 161 to 156, he submitted his resignation, ending his 20 turbulent months in office and the 61st government here since World War II.

In comparison to the governments in most of the rest of the world, the US is run by a bunch of uptight puritanical pukes. It's a C-Span dog and pony (and elephant) show. Do you think people watch because they give a shit? We want blood!

Impeachment is so passé.

Mainstreaming MLK Day

Happy MLK Day! Well, I guess you really shouldn't call it happy. It is meant to commemorate a man who was assassinated while pursuing civil rights for all. To most of the white folks I know, this day brings up mixed emotions. There are those who embrace the holiday because they get a day off of work and those who disparage the day because they have to work while other people don't. The animosity towards the holiday has a tendency to leak out inappropriately and manifest as racism. How to help poor working class whitey learn to love MLK Day...

It's a no-brainer. If you look back in history, there was a time when employers seeking workers would take out ads or put up signs advertising it with the words "No Irish". Or they'd just not hire you if you were Irish. But St. Patrick's Day went a long way towards easing those relations. People hated the Irish except that one day a year when everyone would claim to be Irish and drink themselves into oblivion.

Likewise the labor movement in this country is floundering. Yet every Labor Day you'll find Americans being loud and proud and drunk off their asses to celebrate.

MLK needs to become a drinking holiday. Start a tradition of each and every MLK Day downing a 40 or mixing up some gin and juice. This would also be the perfect excuse to smoke a blunt. These things are the common bond between the working class people of all races. Just one day a year let everybody claim to have some African-American heritage, kick it with St. Ides and bitch about whitey keeping a man down. I beseech my white brethren; Their story is our story. Their struggle is our struggle. Let's get loaded together, play some dominoes on the porch and blow some smoke with the P-Funk.

Just trying to do my part in promoting unity, here.

Election Coverage

Maybe it's just me. All of the television and radio news coverage of the election sounds like I am listening to ESPN. The written coverage isn't any better. All of it pays attention to the 'fights' with a few snippets of 'policy' thrown in like game plays.

Mr Obama needs to win in South Carolina to re-invigorate his campaign after two recent defeats.

Or how about...

Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee says he thought he would win Saturday's GOP primary in South Carolina, but his narrow loss to Arizona Sen. John McCain doesn't mean he is out of the picture.

Maybe...

A look at the specifics of Saturday's Democratic caucuses and the close contest between Sen. Hillary Clinton and Sen. Barack Obama. Expect the intense rivalry to continue.

And then we've got...

Clinton beats Obama as candidates bicker over the final delegate count. Will the ethnic tensions inflamed by a rough caucus fight haunt the Democrats?

Not to mention...

The Patriots have more than a chance to finish 19-0. They almost have an obligation to finish what they've started.

Oh wait. That one was ESPN.

Separated

I strongly believe in the separation of church and state. In fact I would like it if both the government and religion could keep themselves separated from me at all times.

Bush Tries For One Last Business Hand-Out

As every person with the most rudimentary understanding of economics and/or math will readily attest, the best way to get yourself out of an economic slump caused by overwhelming debt is to go shopping. This is the same math used in the new weight loss plans that encourage you to eat more food.

Bush calls for economy kick-to-the-balls kick-start.

A stimulus package worth perhaps $140bn dollars will have little real impact on a total US economy worth a gargantuan $14,000bn a year, our correspondent says.

If nothing else it'll make the politicians feel they are doing something and cheer up the voters.

Little real impact? Really? The big economic kick-start at the beginning of the Bush reign of terror, where people were given a few hundred bucks to go buy TVs while businesses were given real tax cuts, that resulted in the past 7 years of economic whatever-the-hell you call this fucked up mess. At least politicians will feel like they are doing something. And cheering up the voters has nothing to do with this being an election year. Bread and circuses.

What do experts have to say?

US shares turned sharply lower following the announcement, with some market participants saying that Mr Bush's plan did not go far enough.

I'd call it a case of "Too much too late."

I Hate Huckabee

Yep. Hate. Despise. Loathe. Would smile a little should he die suddenly.

Mike Huckabee, the Constitution and biblical law:

When two irreconcilable views emerge, one is going to dominate. Ours will either be a worldview with humans at the center or with God at the center ... The winning worldview will dominate public policy, the laws we make, and every other detail of our existence.

Why is a person who is openly and fundamentally opposed to the first amendment to the Constitution running for President?

I know, I know. 'But Jake, you want to tear down the entire government and you're running.' I understand the irony. I'd like to think my supporters do as well. Huckabee and his ignorant supporters scare the crap out of me.

Stupid Fucking Proposal Would Shit Can Swearing in Bars

Thank you to a Jake supporter for the heads up on this one.

Some uptight assholes in a shit hole state have taken it upon themselves to act like total bastards by proposing to ban swearing in bars. They say they are interested in giving the fucking pigs a law which they can abuse to arrest hell raising bar patrons. A look at what it would ban reveals they are actually a bunch of bitchy, puritanical mama's boys.

The proposal would ban indecent, profane or obscene language, songs, entertainment and literature at bars.

The proposal itself gives me a grand idea for those wishing to protest it. So if you live in St. Louis, pay attention. Stage a bar read-in where everyone sits around drinking and reading sexually explicit books by authors like Joanna Wylde.

I'm done trying to over use profanity. It's too fucking hard.

I Can't Resist an Opportunity for Analogy

For as long as I can remember, this nation has been faced with an ongoing challenge. Are you an American who prefers Coke or Pepsi? For the past several years Coke has retained its title as the drink leader. Meanwhile the majority of Americans seem to prefer Pepsi and Pepsi products as evidenced by the extreme popularity of Mt. Dew, especially in the youth market.

Why is it that nobody seems to pay any attention to RC Cola? It doesn't even get brought up most places. It's like the media is simply ignoring it, blocking it out merely because only a minority prefer to drink RC Cola. When presented with the challenge shouldn't people also be presented with an opportunity to learn more about RC Cola as well?

Another one is Jolt. Nobody questions that Jolt is assuredly a fringe cola that only represents the smallest of a minority of tastes. Yet still, there are those who do like it and prefer it to the alternatives.

In college I encountered a radical departure from traditional American soft drinks in the form of Nitro Cola. Most have never heard of it and even fewer have ever given it a chance.

And why is the attention always on cola? There are so many fantastic things a person can drink. What about milk, juice, tea, coffee, ayahuasca, liquor, beer and wine? Just because a majority of Americans seem to have a preference for colas does that mean we should totally disenfranchise those who chose to drink other things?

Of course it is inevitable that a few people will look at all of these drinks and decide what they've really been looking for all along is a tall glass of water.

Post 999

We are just one more post away from reaching 1,000 blog posts since the launch of this campaign. To celebrate, you should record yourself reading this post and then play it backwards to hear the hidden message.

And the campaign is building momentum! Today I received a shipment of campaign buttons in three different styles and I've already sold five of them! Granted all of them were purchased on either full or partial credit, but that's the American way. (And just as I type that phrase my player changes songs to Dropkick Murphys - The New American Way. Freaky.) None of them would dare incur the wrath of Jake's House of Credit.

I've told many people to check them out at the web store. (At right. I'm not going to bother linking this time, you lazy pukes.) I guess people really do fall for that impulse purchase stuff if you've got it right there in front of them. They say One in the Hand is worth Two in the Bush. Come to think of it, what I usually have one of in my hand Bush should forcibly have two of in him. And then some.

Cheating is for Winners

Via The BRAD BLOG but picked up by a lot of different places. Here's the short form.

Pre-primary polling data and exit polling on the day of the New Hampshire primary predicted dead-on all of the results except the Clinton-Obama race. That one was wildly off by 8 points.

All of them twisted and turned and contorted and grappled and speculated, coming up with every possible unverifiable, backwards-engineered explanation, save for the one that must not be named. The 600 lb. canary in the virtual living room...the fact that no human being has bothered to check what was actually on NH's vast majority of ballots (80%) which were 'counted' by error-prone, hackable Diebold optical-scan machines, all controlled by one bad, horribly irresponsible private company, who has no business being anywhere near a public election.

This should not surprise anyone. If you can break the law and know that there is a real good chance that you will get away with it, there are people who will.

Almost everyone I know drives an average of 5 mph over the posted speed limits. Why? Because we all know that while it is technically against the law, we will almost certainly get away with it. The evidence thus far shows that you can rig an election, or even a primary, and you will get away with it.

So why is it so necessary for candidates to raise so much money, run so much advertising and seem to try and get real people to actually support them? Couldn't they just buy an election? This is WWE World Title stuff. People have to believe that you could actually win to even half-heartedly accept the validity of a supposed win. If big businesses gave you loads of money and you didn't spend it on advertising and campaigning and you still won, it might look a bit like a bribe. In the WWE, you don't bribe your way to the top. You do what your managers tell you to do and entertain the slack jawed masses while doing it.

Secondary

If anybody lives in New Hampshire, feel free to write me in. Or feel free to abstain from the process in the name of Jake. Or because you're too drunk.

I Was Wrong

I predicted a clear win for Clinton because I thought Iowans were still a bunch of racist bastards. I was wrong. Iowa upsets deliver wins for Huckabee and Obama. So the racist bastard Republicans selected a conservative Christian. Meanwhile the sexist Democrats relegated Clinton to third place. A little spin on a strange turn of events.

But there were two lines in the article worthy of noting. Emphasis mine. Second one first.

Republican voters also rejected the established order, awarding a convincing victory to Mike Huckabee, the Baptist preacher who until two months ago was a virtual unknown outside his native Arkansas.

So who were they trying to convince of the victory?

With that spin in mind, read the previous sentence.

Barack Obama swept away any sense of inevitability about Hillary Clinton's march to the White House last night...

These are well paid professional writers working for one of the world's top news outlets, The Guardian. But I feel certain that the first two lines of the article just happen to contain these words as a late night folly made by very tired reporters. There is no programming being attempted. The fnords can't hurt you. This is not a staged event.

Let the voting begin!

The time has come for Iowa to tell the nation who they might think about maybe possibly voting for if they belong to a political party. In case you are incapable of getting the synapses in your brain to fire, Salon asks celebrities to do it for you!

Does anybody really need to be told who Gloria Steinem would vote for?

Predicting the Future

People seem to be having a hard time choosing between Democratic Candidates in Iowa.

Nearly 11 months before the presidential election, differences like this are not meaningful, even before you throw in the poll's 3 percent margin of error. So many things can change -- both in terms of the images of the candidates and the problems facing the nation -- that all crystal balls should come with the kinds of warning labels emblazoned on cigarette packs.

Having grown up within (what I like to call) pissing distance of Iowa, this caucus seems like a no brainer. Remember how journalists thought Dean had a chance? I know the upper midwest. These people talk one way to journalists and pollsters because they don't want to appear awkward and backwards. Truth be told, the vast majority of Iowans I have met are closeted bigots and racists who are not trend setters. The front runners are clearly Clinton and Obama. These are the only two worth any attention. And if I know anything about Iowa, Clinton will trounce Obama because it is far better to give your support to a woman (add redneck Iowa farmer gag sound here) than to a black.

Iowa liberals are some of the most conservative Democrats you'll ever meet. Granted, the ones active in the party are not, but the majority of Iowa yellow-dog Democrats are just liberal enough to admit that the KKK is a bad thing, unions are a good thing, and Republicans fuck over farmers. To them, Clinton is man enough for the job. That is better than they would say about Obama in private.

Don't believe me? Fine. In 2006 I predicted the outcome of over 90% of the elections just by looking at photos of candidates. Block out all data about the possible candidates, look at the accompanying photo, and choose the winner. Hillary by a landslide in Iowa.

Lakota will never forget Wounded Knee

It seems a lot of people aren't really understanding this issue or my take on it. For those wondering why the Lakota will never forget Wounded Knee, a history reminder.

To the non-Indians of South Dakota and the rest of America, Dec. 29, 1990, was another day. But to the Lakota people, it was a day they commemorated every year since 1890. It was a day when nearly 300 of their relatives were shot to death in cold blood by the enlisted men and officers of the Seventh Cavalry. Ironically, 21 members of the Seventh Cavalry were awarded Medals of Honor for this horrific slaughter of women and children.

Ah, but those were different times requiring different measures, were they not?

In early December of 1990, as the 100th anniversary of the massacre at Wounded Knee approached, I wrote the cover story for USA Today. I quoted an editorial that appeared in the Aberdeen Saturday Review on Jan. 3, 1891, just five days after the massacre.

The author wrote about those terrible “Redskins,” his favorite word for Indians. He wrote, “The Pioneer has before declared that our only safety depends upon the total extermination of the Indians. Having wronged them for centuries we had better, in order to protect our civilization, follow it up by one or more wrong and wipe these untamed and untamable creatures from the face of the earth.”

That editorial calling for the genocide of the Lakota people was written by L. Frank Baum, the man who would later write, “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.”

Similar terms to 'untamable' have been used for Native Americans since the Europeans first came over here. In some of the earliest communications sent back to the homeland in regards to the matter it was often noted that Indians make poor slaves since they seem to have an indomitable spirit.

I reiterate, we gave the Jews back their ancestral homeland after Hitler's Germany tried to wipe them out. We don't even have to give back the Lakota's lands, just cease insisting it doesn't belong to them. And I say we throw in Northern Minnesota for good measure. A nation really needs a sea port, even if it is an inland sea port like Duluth.

Why do I support a Lakota Nation? Total selfishness. This is one of those clear cases where government in conjunction with the media will try really damned hard to craft a reality in which everyone will ignore the situation and it will just go away. I want to see a different kind of reality created that is a thorn in the side of the descendants of the liars and crooks who can't seem to keep treaties they sign regarding environmental issues, prisoners of war, torture or relations with aboriginal peoples. I like to see habitual liars and crooks get screwed.

It is also in the best interests of the preservation of Native American culture, even if it is only a small slice of it. As we move forward and get our butts off of this giant rock and out into space (which we as a people will do, damn it), Earth will be best used as a living museum (in my opinion). It can be like those living history places that are only interesting to a handful of visitors and to almost all of the people working there. In that same vein I would like to see Europe eventually split into the World War recreation area and the rest can be a giant Ren Fest.

Recognize the right of the Lakota to self determination. Accept your own right to self determination.

Change Is Different!

Which is the more troubling trend in America?

1. The people who say they want things to change but go about instigating this change in the same old boring ways they always have.
2. The people who say they don't want things to change but will hop on board with any lunatic that says they have a new idea.

These two groups are made up of the same damn people! We've got a country full of racist rednecks who insist on funding Chinese Communism by shopping almost exclusively at Wal-Mart. These closet Fascists love filling up gas guzzling vehicles because they feel guilty about hating the Arabs and Latinos we get our oil from. A bunch of pro-American, flag waving, blindly patriotic fools who give almost all of their money to giant corporations that fuck them over and outsource their jobs. They love the abuse. And they yell and scream about how there aught to be a law against them being able to do such things to themselves so that they can be abused further when they break the law. They watch the cops on television entrapping people, illegally entering their homes, and giving them the smack down with little or no reason and get all teary eyed thinking, "That could be me." The nation suffers from codependency and the American people love the abuse.

It's almost 2008, and I want people to vow to make a change. Make it part of your new year's resolutions to shake things up a bit. Tired of things either not changing enough or changing too much? Probably both. Then vow to change that. I want every American to stand up and say, "I'm sitting down right here until I get what I want!" Be assertive and demand to be abused into submission openly and fairly. If you are tired of the way things are then wake up to a new reality. Call in well to work and don't show up. We are Americans! We can buy everything we want and that includes civil liberties, just never take them out of their protective packaging or they'll lose their collector's value.

Because the joke is on the foreign markets. All that money we have been paying them to do our jobs and make us products is absolutely worthless. The wealth envisioned therein is a figment of a dream of a reality that never was.

Are you tired of candidates that make sense screwing you over? How can someone who makes sense represent a country that is so damn messed up? Vote your wildest desires and greatest fears. Let someone who doesn't make any sense screw you over. Vote Jake!

Fisting Button

Someone requested the Fisting design in a button. So here it is. Wasn't that easy?

I also added this little design.

Buttons and Speech

I am very ill prepared as a candidate. While walking around the Pike Market in Seattle someone approached my campaign manager about his pin. Since I was right behind him and also wearing the same button, he referred the man to me. The man loved the button and was also sporting several pro-union and anti-war buttons on his coat. I gave him my pin on the spot. We spoke for a while with him doing most of the talking. A short while after parting ways he came back to find me and we talked some more. These exchanges made me realize how poor of a job I am doing with my inter-personal public persona. Up until this point the only people who have asked me about the pin have been people I am already acquainted with.

I need more practice talking to total strangers about my campaign. I've got the information in my head. I just need to get used to not acting with my usual 'I'm just going about my business' demeanor and instead make the person want to run away from the flood of anarchist propaganda I start spouting. After all, any sane person should want to flee when a politician starts spouting rhetoric of any kind. It should be the natural reaction. When Ronald Reagan said, "The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help,'" he was a liar. The phrase is all too true, he just didn't mean a word of it. I mean it!

So I need to get the word out there. Government sucks. I'm running for President to shut it down. I'm also running for President so I can make cool campaign items that help people experience their own personal t-shirt nirvana. All Presidents are rat bastard liars. Irony is magnetic.

Help me become a total sell-out. Buy a button!



Anarco-American Button



Dominoe Effect

Welcome to the New Lakota Nation!

A few of my friends have posted about this and I want to mention it as well. According to articles I have seen from multiple sources (French, Australian, and domestic), the Lakota have withdrawn from the treaties of 1851 and 1868 to declare themselves independent of the United States of America.

"Today is a historic day and our forefathers speak through us. Our Forefathers made the treaties in good faith with the sacred Canupa and with the knowledge of the Great Spirit," shared Garry Rowland from Wounded Knee. "They never honored the treaties, that's the reason we are here today."

That is a strong statement. I admire such strength. When elected President of the United States of America I swear to honor their choice.

Property ownership in the five state area of Lakota now takes center stage. Parts of North and South Dakota, Nebraska, Wyoming and Montana have been illegally homesteaded for years despite knowledge of Lakota as predecessor sovereign [historic owner]. Lakota representatives say if the United States does not enter into immediate diplomatic negotiations, liens will be filed on real estate transactions in the five state region, clouding title over literally thousands of square miles of land and property.

When elected President I will honor this as well, returning the aforementioned property to the Lakota as it is rightfully theirs.

The new country would issue its own passports and driving licences, and living there would be tax-free - provided residents renounce their US citizenship, Mr Means said.

If not elected this sounds like a deal worth considering. It means I'd have to give up surfing and take up snow boarding instead. Though if their diplomatic missions go well I will still have access to several good surf spots.

The group also visited the Bolivian, Chilean, South African and Venezuelan embassies, and said they would continue on their diplomatic mission and take it overseas.

After World War II we gave the Jews their ancestral homeland back to them despite other people living there. This deal seems a lot more cut and dry. Best wishes and hopes for many years of peace and prosperity to our Lakota neighbors!

Seriously people. Get excited about this. Support it and celebrate it. Create a new reality.

Campaigning While Female

In an article from Salon Life the debate continues over the difficulties of being female and running for President in a nation where women are supposed to remain young and sexy and if they cannot, then men should dump them for chicks just out of high school.

Hillary Clinton is 60 years old. In an age of lifts and injections and implants, we are beginning to forget what 60 years old looks like in nature. But as the daughter of a very beautiful woman who turned 64 on Tuesday, I can tell you that without intervention, it involves wrinkles and grooves, valleys worn deep by years of laughing and talking and furrowing a brow and reading in bad light and yelling at children.

Sixty years on a man looks similar, and a cursory examination of former presidential candidates at critical, exhausting stretches of a race would turn up pallor, flappy necks and dry skin. In the weeks before Bill Clinton (one of our youngest candidates ever, and thus one of our least pruney) was elected, he lost his voice. It was regarded as a mark of how hard he'd been working, how many sleepless nights and stump speeches and greetings, how many germy hands he'd clasped. And we've all seen what years in the Oval Office do to a candidate: From Abraham Lincoln to Bill Clinton to George W, there is ample evidence that being president is not a job for anti-aging enthusiasts.

If democracy is all about people getting the leaders they deserve, then this election is Hillary's. If people are so concerned about a wrinkled woman being President, then they deserve a wrinkled female President. If I believed these things were decided by honest voting, I'd entertain the idea of voting for Clinton just to foist her on the people who say nay for all the wrong reasons.

But it would be a far better joke to foist me upon them instead.

Conspiracy Theory

There have always been conspiracy theories. Some are absurdly bizarre and far-fetched. Others are far too plausible. An interesting thing to note about conspiracy theories is that ones that turn out to be true often reveal the truth far too late in the game for anything meaningful to be made of it.

Take the whole 'Who shot JFK?' conspiracy as an example. It is extremely difficult to find someone who believes Lee Harvey Oswald was the lone gunman. But try to get a coherent and plausible explanation from each person who doesn't believe the Lone Gunman theory and you'll get several different stories. The majority of votes would probably go to the CIA orchestrating it. Take those theorists and ask them why. The group will be further divided. Was it because of Kennedy's foreign policy plans? Was he going to announce that aliens from another planet had made first contact? Was Hoover jealous of Kennedy and get the CIA in on it with promises? And even though there is more reliable and relevant information available on the subject now than there ever has been, the timing is such that most people just don't care anymore.

Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea, while working as co-editors of the Playboy Forum, would get loads of letters asking about nearly every conspiracy theory under the Sun. This is what lead to them writing the Illuminatus Trilogy. They started with the premise of what if every one of these conspiracy theories were true? Which of course they can't be. Of course. But it makes for a very interesting tale.

It is partly because of conspiracy theory that I continued to be an Anarchist long after I should have grown out of that phase. Taking a look at the last two Presidential elections, it seems painfully obvious that if there wasn't a predestined result, there was at the least a concerted effort to manipulate, orchestrate, and otherwise cheat at the game. They got away with it because those within the system and thus in a position to do something about what happened are either corrupt or arrogantly and idiotically ignorant to the true nature of the beast. As long as there are positions of power to be had, no matter how symbolic that power, there will be those who will do everything in their power to get it. That is one of the reasons I remain an Anarchist.

Every rule system can be exploited. I should know. One of my senior year hobbies was going through the student handbook and seeing how many rules I could break without ever getting in trouble. Some were far too easy to break and I did so openly, flaunting it in front of those who were in a position to supposedly do something about it. Others I broke openly as though those rules just didn't apply to me. They never applied those rules to me. Still others I broke with the help of friends who I could trust to keep the whole thing secret. Yes, there was a conspiracy! The worst thing that ever happened to me was getting a talking to about inappropriate dress. No other punishment came of me hacking away at nearly every rule they had.

There has been a deliberate and quite open conspiracy of politicians to do the same to the rule of law in this country. That is why laws are useless. They have proven that even constitutional 'guarantees' are useless. Yet I go about my life blissfully ignoring all of this. Why?

Because I have a theory. It's a theory that politics is a bit too much like advertising and celebrity right now. And the funny thing about advertising and celebrities is that if you ignore them, they fade away. And there are several others in on this theory. It's a bit of a conspiracy, really. And once this group of secret individuals reaches a critical mass, the government will cease to exist. Join the Conspiracy!

Back Scratching

Bush's phone immunity bill wins Senate vote.

Nearly 40 lawsuits have been filed accusing AT&T, Verizon and Sprint Nextel Corp. of violating U.S. privacy rights.

Backers of immunity, who include some Democrats as well many of Bush's fellow Republicans, contend companies should be thanked, not punished, for helping defend the United States.

Thank you. Thank you for helping to defend the United States. I had no idea you were such crusaders for freedom. Since you telecoms are so interested in the preservation of the American way, once elected I am opening up special positions in Afghanistan for the top 10% of every phone company that turned over private information to the federal government without making them get the necessary warrants. Consider it my way of saying, "Thank you!" and giving you yet another opportunity to 'defend the United States'.

And a very real thank you to the one super huge telephone company that declined participating in the warrant-less spying program, Qwest. You may still be a big evil corporation, but at least you're a big evil corporation with a conscious. Thank you Qwest.

NSA Alert!

This is a Second Amendment alert from the National Sword Association.

Your right to keep and bear arms, specifically your right to keep and bear swords (more commonly referred to as 'wielding'), is under attack. All NSA members should immediately write their representatives. If you are an anarchist, write to the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen. This is important as...

The government said Wednesday it would ban the sale of samurai swords because the weapons had been used in a number of serious, high-profile attacks.

As members of the NSA are no doubt aware, a sword is an important constitutional right. We should be getting swords into the hands of more people, not less, and giving them proper training. Imagine if on September 11th there had been just one man on each one of those flights with a sword who had been trained in its use*. Those terrorists with their puny box cutters wouldn't have stood a chance. He could have skewered all of them in one good charge. Maybe even a decapitation or two. All while not having to worry about the threat of sudden cabin decompression as the result of a bad gun shot. And the kids get a heck of a show, too. You know they all love that ninja and kung fu shit.

In 2000, Robert Ashman murdered a Liberal Democrat councilor at the offices of Cheltenham MP Nigel Jones, who was also seriously hurt in the attack.

A year earlier, Eden Strang seriously wounded 11 people when he went on the rampage with a samurai sword at a Roman Catholic Church near his home in Thornton Heath, south London.

So even though this is happening in Britain and not the United States of America, it is still important for all NSA members to write their representatives (or a suitable 80's Brit-pop band if as aforementioned) and let them know that this is a country with a constitution and our Bill of Rights prohibits such limitations. Remind them that this is America, damnit!

*This is presuming al Qaeda is a real entity, Bin Laden is not just a CIA agent, and there really were terrorists of Middle Eastern origin armed with box cutters on those flights. Which of course is the case. Of course. I mean maybe it would be different if everybody else in the world knew that the CIA was behind the Kennedy assassination while America remained in denial despite an accumulation of extremely damning evidence. But that isn't the case at all, either.

Stupid Headline

US marine guilty of Iraq killing.

No shit! Isn't that exactly what marines are supposed to do? Don't the armed forces actively recruit dim witted and impoverished thugs without a whole hell of a lot to live for and then train them and pay them to be killers? It's not rocket science. It's the reason soldiers can kick ass at warfare. It's also the reason it makes no sense to use them as a security force. Cops are trained to use deadly force as a last resort and they can still barely keep their fingers off the trigger. Marines kill. It's their job. Headline could just as well read, "Garbage man guilty of trash removal."

But here's what happened.

A US marine has been found guilty of killing an Iraqi soldier while they were on night-time patrol in Fallujah.

(Holmes) said he suspected that the Iraqi was signalling to insurgents with a lit cigarette and a mobile phone.

Soldiers aren't cops. Get them the hell out of Iraq now!

Somewhere, A Pig is Flying

Debunking the Myth of "Electability".

That's why, in the end, even if you're not for Hillary, what Bill Clinton says about choosing a nominee makes sense. 'This electability thing is a canard; it doesn't amount to a hill of beans,' Clinton told voters in Iowa. 'What you need to figure out is, who would be the best president.'

Check that out. I actually agree with Bill Clinton.

It's actually not an earth shattering revelation. I also agree with him that cigars taste better when moistened.

America's Addiction

Having grown up in Reagan's America with all of the 'Just Say No!' crap pummeling my eyes and ears (and if I had been able to read braille I'm sure the tactile senses would have received it as well) a node clicked on my way to work.

America is suffering from addiction. There are pushers everywhere telling you to say 'Yes!' They are on college campuses giving it away freely. They are in the ghettos hustling every which way they can. The pushers of this new addiction are so bold as to advertise in newspapers, on television, on radio, via direct mail, using billboards, and even on the internet. So called experts say it is a good thing, go ahead and try it, everyone needs a little to lead a healthy lifestyle. It's not all that different from the golden days of cocaine where people touted it as a cure for just about everything.

I'm talking about credit. I am not ashamed to admit that I am a recovering addict. The easiest way to quit this addiction is to never get hooked. It starts with something simple like a credit card or a car payment. Before you even realize what has happened you are hooked, addicted, looking for every penny you can scrounge up just to support the habit. Right now I feel like I'm on the methadone plan. Slowly weaning myself off of the hard stuff just so I can get on with my life. The mail keeps delivering credit card offers. Every car dealership is guaranteeing me that I will be approved for a loan on a new vehicle. Computer companies and book stores say I can save money on my next purchase if I just sign up for their credit card today! They offer you a taste that can lead to a lifetime of debt addiction.

Take it from a recovering junkie, it's not worth it. The one time that everyone is telling you to say yes is the time you should actually be saying no. And at one point in my life I did hit what I consider rock bottom. I had creditors calling me, late bills piling up, and no way to pay for that one more fix that might get me through until the next billing cycle. So I quit. But it isn't easy to quit. I'll be going through withdrawal symptoms for some time. And I guarantee you that if I had never started, if I had never enhanced my lifestyle using credit, I'd feel far better about myself today.

Have you ever seen what credit does to people? What it can do to a family? It can ruin them. It can force them to live in fear of the dealers who got them hooked. They can lose their car, their furniture, their stereo, their house, and still the bastards will come after them for more.

Fuck Nancy Reagan! Take all the drugs you want. Just say NO to debt!

Sweet, Sweet Nukes

Exile group says Iran still pursuing nuclear arms.

'The clerical regime is continuing its drive to obtain nuclear weapons,' Mohammad Mohaddessin of the France-based group, listed as a terror organization in the United States, told a news conference in Brussels.

Sweet! Bush now has a group supporting his claims that Iran is developing nuclear weapons, but they are terrorists! That is freakin' awesome! It's too bad that most people are too stupid to really appreciate that. To you stupid people who don't get it, promise to vote for me and I'll explain it to you, but only if I get elected. (If I can secure the support of the stupid I can rule the world!)

And I'm sure a group of terrorist exiles have no reason to lie about Iran's nuclear intentions.

Incentivise!

The UK is trying to get their voting numbers up. One proposed way would be to enter all voters into a lottery.

Dame Jane Roberts, chairwoman of the commission, told The Observer she believes it is time for some radical thinking to revive interest in voting. 'We want to incentivise voting and we are keen on the carrot rather than the stick. You could, for example, put people into a lottery. But it is up to local authorities to come up with all sorts of ideas that would suit in their local patch.'

Incentivise? That's a new word for me. That is corporate marketing speak if ever there was any. That is about as Lindsey Nagel as you can get. If you get that reference, buy yourself a donut. Incentivise!

Has anyone considered that low voter turn out might have something to do with the people running for... Incentivise! Damn. Just can't get that out of my head. Back to business. Some musicians will sell out stadiums but are you going to waste your time sitting through some piece of shit show just for a chance at a jackpot? Come on. They incentivised it. Okay, some people will. Others it will just turn off more. Incentivise? Might as well set up a buffet or an arcade.

Or maybe I'll go hold my own general election... with blackjack, and hookers!

Incentivise?

Nuclear Solution

Russia says must have nuclear parity with U.S.

Russia must achieve nuclear arms parity with the United States, Itar-Tass news agency quoted First Deputy Prime Minister Sergei Ivanov as saying on Friday.

'Military potential, to say nothing of nuclear potential, must be at the proper level if we want ... to just stay independent,' Tass quoted Ivanov as saying. 'The weak are not loved and not heard, they are insulted, and when we have parity they will talk to us in a different way.'

This is it! This is our big chance. Once elected I'll make them eat those words just as badly as Reagan did, but in a Jake sort of way. I'll order the destruction of every nuke we've got and then insist that Russia live up to its pledge of nuclear parity. Failure to comply will result in the CIA dropping acid in their water supply. I'm sure they've still got the plans lying around somewhere.

The Real Price of Gas

A while back I had a notion about gas prices and inflation. What if gas prices really weren't going up that much? What if the value of the dollar is just dropping that rapidly? It would be an excellent ruse. The nation uses gas to transport just about everything we purchase. The price of gas goes up, so the price of food goes up, and the price of electronics goes up, even the price of books goes up. But the price of digitally delivered goods has remained somewhat stable.

If the price of gas is a ruse to cover for the devaluing of the dollar, why would the price of digitally delivered goods remain stable? Because the price of these goods should actually be going down! The increase in bandwidth and ever increasing storage capacities coupled with ever expanding electronic markets means that electronic content should be dirt cheap. But those people creating those products, generating that content, still have to buy very real goods such as food, clothing, shelter and iPods. With the cost of those items rising, the cost of electronic content has remained stable by the grace of an expansion of the online customer base.

According to this chart, I'm wrong. Charts don't lie and it says that in inflation adjusted dollars that gas prices have hit an all time high.

But inflation is only one factor. It is typically an indicator of the domestic economy's state of health. It is not always a reflection of the value of that nation's currency versus another nation's. If you look at exchange rates over time, the dollar hasn't been doing so hot. Factor that in to the data in the chart (that would never, ever lie to you) and I might just be onto something.

Gas prices aren't really going up. They are just an excuse to raise the prices for everything and blame it on them damned foreigners rather than taking responsibility for our domestic economic woes. Shut down the Federal Reserve, return to a currency based on a real good (such as gold, silver or heroin) and gas prices should stabilize.

That's my theory and I'm sticking to it until something better comes along.

National Sword Association

If swords are outlawed, only outlaws will have swords... like pirates and ninjas.

Stupid Headline!

This is one of the most blatantly idiotic headlines I've seen grace my screen in quite a while.

Bush draws skepticism with hands-off approach to Mideast - Los Angeles Times

I had a feeling where this headline was going (and I was right), but it still struck me as stupid. Having large numbers of troops fighting continuing wars in two, count them, TWO Mideast countries and bases in others is not a hands-off approach.

Oh, wait, he meant his hands. Just like he had a hands-off approach to Vietnam. Yeah, that draws skepticism from me as well. Call me old fashioned (like from ninth century Scandinavia), but if you're leader of the people and you want to wage war you had better be the first one into battle and the last one out. The hands-off approach never got anyone into Valhalla.

AWPC

Him: So what's with all the 'A' stuff? You trying to be Captain Anarchy or something?

Jake: Actually this is my campaign gear. I'm running for President.

Him: Alright. What's your platform?

Jake: I want to tear down as much of the government as I can and hopefully put myself out of a job.

Him: You know, if you had some advertising money and could get that message out there, I'd bet you'd get a hell of a lot of supporters from across the spectrum.

He's right, you know. So start advertising.