All Apologies

Australia Apologizes to Aborigines. And it came from the mouth of Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, so it must actually mean something.

'For the pain, suffering and hurt of these 'Stolen Generations', their descendants and for their families left behind, we say sorry,' he said. 'To the mothers and the fathers, the brothers and the sisters, for the breaking up of families and communities, we say sorry; and for the indignity and degradation thus inflicted on a proud people and a proud culture, we say sorry.'

Former Prime Minister John Howard refused to apologize. What a dick. One of the things a public education actually taught me was that you don't apologize because you were wrong or you feel remorse. You always apologize because someone tells you to and in your heart of hearts you plot revenge to be delivered swiftly and painfully once that lunch bell rings. Or maybe that was just the people who were told to apologize to me.

As President I would be happy to make all kinds of apologies. I'd say sorry to the Native Americans that we slaughtered, infected, enslaved, raped and generally treated quite poorly. Sorry. And to the former Soviet Union for pushing an arms race that pretty much bankrupted their economy. Sorry. And to all those South and Central American countries where we tried to prop up dictators and unpopular politicians and even gave them training on how to torture and slaughter their own people and gave them the weapons to do it with. Sorry. And to all those pot heads in prison because they like to smoke pot. Sorry. And to France for constantly reminding them who saved their ass in WWII and always calling them pussies. Sorry. And to Canada for always ragging on their beer when we've produced far crappier shit. Sorry. And to Hawaii for loading it up with people that don't even surf. I'm really sorry about that.