Sweet Constancy

This old house I rent is at least consistent. All winter it tends to be cold. Today, even though outside it is a beautiful summer day, it was still cold in the house. So cold I initially feared getting out of bed. I awoke from dreams of turning on the space heater. That means the bedroom AC only gets turned on about 5 days a year during the major heat waves.

Bonk!

I just witnessed a squirrel throwing pine cones with great accuracy at the yellow dog's head.

Look Twice

For my RSS feeds I recently added a surfing news feed and placed it where the adult industry news feed was, relegating the former to a lower slot. Sometimes I look at headlines in one and confuse which source it is from for a moment. Imagine my relief when I realized that my mind had temporarily mis-attributed the headline Hot Tuna Summer of '69 BPSA tour event completed.

The Aristocrats

So a family walks into a talent agent's office and says, "We've got an act you might be interested in."

Without even looking up the talent agent says, "I've already heard this one a thousand times this week. The cleaning bill is bankrupting me. Not interested." With that he presses a red button on his desk. Two large security guards enter the office and escort the family outside.

Peter turns to his sister Jane and his daughter Bridget and says, "Maybe Disney would be interested."

Fill 'er Up

Somebody finally took the film Sechs Schwedinnen von der Tankstelle and brought it closer to reality.

Australian brothels are offering clients discounts based on their gas bills... Brothel owners claim the system works much the same way as supermarkets which offer shoppers discounted gas prices by presenting their grocery bills when they fill up their tanks... Once you've filled up your car, bring your receipt to the brothel and they'll discount the price of your visit.

In the film clients get over-charged because the Swedish girls keep the pump running while providing full service. I like the economics of the Australian version better.

And here's an extremely NSFW clip from Six Swedes at a Pump. No nudity, no profanity, no violence, but getting caught watching it at work would still prove awkward. This is one of the strangest and silliest pieces of adult entertainment you're likely to ever see, with everyone fully clothed.

Not An AWPC

I carry three tools in the side pockets of my Carharts at work. The two pockets on my right leg carry my pliers and an Enderes 4-in-1 screwdriver. In the pocket on my left leg, just below the unused hammer loop, is where I keep 'Ron Jeremy'. That is what a co-worker nick-named my Crescent wrench. It is a well used tool that has 'been around'. It is about the same length as its namesake and probably close to the same age. And I use it for lots of things such a tool should not be used for.

For instance, towards the end of my shift tonight, I was doing an emergency repair to a grinder. After using Ron Jeremy to tighten the replacement for a broken stop bolt, one of the clamp depression fingers was still just a bit too high to fully open the clamp. The chain was dragging on the clamp as it tried to feed through. Not having my hex keys on me to loosen the fixture and move the finger in the prescribed fashion, I once again whipped out Ron Jeremy, gave the fixture three solid whacks, pressed the 'RUN' button, and gave the operator the thumbs-up.

Maintenance is fun when you've got Ron Jeremy in your pocket.

AWPC: Surfing

Both Mark and I were feeling fairly beat up today. A full day of sun and surf will do that to you. Especially when the waves were as good as they were on Sunday at Short Sands. Still, we were both in very good moods and quite mellow.

Jake: It's like coming to work on drugs but without the paranoia of getting caught.
Mark: Yeah.

I Can't Surf

Three guys are walking through the sand. I say three guys but it's actually two guys and the one guy's best friend and wife who is NOT a talking pie. And the sand is on the beach, not the dessert. And they brought food and drink with them. And they brought surf gear.

Comrade Robot

From the Communist Robot Manifesto:

A Capitalist economy is not fit for autonomous robot industrialization. A Communist economy however is perfectly suited for the implementation of a fully robotic workforce. In a Communist economy the government controls industry and wealth distribution to insure that everyone is afforded basic amenities. Communism exists as a response to the disproportional wealth distribution of industrialized nations and functions better as an idealist philosophy than an actual economic system because it lacks the incentive of riches and glamour that compel development through Capitalism.
Robots will change all of this.

Robots topple the infrastructure of Capitalism by displacing its most valuable asset: the common worker. Robots will empower Communist countries by lifting the burden of labor from their social structure and granting greater opportunities for education and scientific exploration.

Surf's Up Dude

Sunday surfing at Short Sands. I'll be sure to grab some vid this time.

NSFW: Some Comedy

People keep telling this joke but I don't think they really get the point of it. I just keep hearing total rip-offs of the same version told over and over without making it their own. So here's my version.

You could probably watch this at work if you have headphones. It's not like I'm strokin' my willy or something.

Always With the Magnets

Some Dubliners claim to have accidentally discovered a 285% efficient generator utilizing magnets.

These dynamic and personable businessmen from Dublin insist that they have found a way of producing free, clean and limitless energy out of thin air. And they are so confident that they have thrown down the gauntlet to the scientific community in a bid to prove that they have rewritten the laws of physics. Last week, frustrated that they couldn't persuade scientists to take their work seriously, McCarthy, Walshe and the other 28 shareholders of Steorn, a privately owned technology research company, took out a full-page advertisement in the Economist. In it, they called upon scientists to form a 12-member jury to decide whether their free-energy system is real, hoaxed, imagined or incorrectly well-intentioned.

I feel extremely skeptical and extremely hopeful. Develop some feelings of your own by reading the Guardian article.

Truly Tasteless Joke

It has been a while since I've heard a good tasteless joke. I thought I should share.

What is 18 inches long, stiff as hell, and makes women scream in the middle of the night?

Answer here.

TV Planets

"Pluto is dead."

Pluto has been stripped of its status as a planet and been regrouped with the likes of Xena as a new category of celestial objects called Dwarf Planets.

There are now eight classic planets. These can be divided into the Terrestrial Planets of Mercury, Venus, Earth, and Mars with the asteroid belt seperating them from the Jovial Planets of Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune. Coincidentally the Leary Eight Circuit Brain Model can be divided into four terrestrial circuits and four post-terrestrial circuits.

I imply NOTHING!

AWPC: For The Birds

M: Hey Jake. Did you see the falcon in back?
Me: No. What year?
M: No. I mean a FALCON, falcon. It's back in packaging.
Me: A live one?
M: Yeah.

Sure enough, he took me back into the warehouse and there was a raptor hanging out in the rafters.

The Only Solution

In a nation riddled with fear, I have the solution. Americans everywhere are terrified of another 9/11 and this fear is manifesting in physical forms. But I can stop it if you let me. People everywhere, I implore you, let's join forces and never let 9/11 happen again. To do this, take out your calendar, turn to the month of September, and cross out the 11th. Renumber this day the 12th and continue through the month until you have renumbered what was the 30th to the 31st. If we all do this, 9/11 can never happen again.

And to make certain there is never another Pearl Harbor, I suggest we rename it "Happy Fun Time Bay". Vote Jake!

Let's Face It, It's Funny

In Mumbai, India a new restaurant with a controversial theme has opened.

'Hitler's Cross', which opened last week, serves up a wide range of continental fare and a big helping of controversy, thanks to a name the owners say they chose to stand out among hundreds of Mumbai eateries...

"We are not promoting Hitler. But we want to tell people we are different in the way he was different."

They want people to know that they are deranged syphilitics drastically over-compensating for their lack of stature through use of strong language, folk symbology, and the extermination of those who made fun of them in school.

See, Hitler jokes are funny.

Loose Cannon

Ex-Army specialist Korey Rowe is creating quite a stir with his film, Loose Change.

MICHAEL SLENSKE: Do you work for the CIA?

KOREY ROWE: No, I do not work for the CIA.

Good enough for me.

Looking Around Me

So far today I have seen some interesting things.

While most months go by without me seeing any such thing, today I saw two V-Dub old school chopper style trikes. One was parked out by Scapoose and the other was across from New Seasons Market in P-town.

While driving near St. Helens I spotted an old 4 door rat rod with flame job for sale for less than $6k. Think it was a 50's Merc. A real bargain, but not my thing.

And while going through downtown I spotted a pair of cops instructing a tall, thin, naked man to lie down on the sidewalk. Personal opinion here; naked people really don't pose much of a threat to society. If they are managing to conceal a weapon, they are braver than anyone I know. As a nation we really need to get past this public nudity thing. The only ones who can get away with it are those who choose to be naked all the time. Sometimes I want to be naked, other times I want to cover up. But I have no choice if I want to leave my yard. It's an all or none deal. I felt sorry for the naked guy. It has to be uncomfortable to lie naked and face down on a city sidewalk on a hot day.

Flirting With Danger

It happens fairly regularly. Today it was at the tobacconist. The girl behind the counter had dark black hair that was a cross between Joan Jett and Betty Page. She sported some 1980's retro look with her ripped pink t-shirt and denim mini-skirt. The tattoos and septum piercing looked good on her. Then she smiles at me with that narrowing of the eyes and slight curl of the lip that seems to scream, "I could eat you up." She is inviting me to flirt with her, but I don't.

Women often either send me signals to start flirting or even start to flirt with me. I can't flirt back. Many people consider flirting a harmless little exchange. Not me. I can't do that to people. I've seen the way some of the girls at work look at me. It is most obvious when I am talking about my wife. The way I always describe her as the coolest and most fantastic person I know and how much I love her, the girls look at me with a face that says, "I want a guy who'll talk about me like that." They are in love with me. Not me as an individual, because many of them have no desire to be with a person of my type, but what I represent as a partner. Some of them have floated some harmless little flirtations my way. To flirt back would destroy the image of the ideal man they see in me.

It would also be a complete tease. Imagine getting an announcement from your favorite bottle shop telling you that for one day only you can get 75% off your entire purchase. So you trek on down and stare at all of your favorite brews. When you try to buy something the clerk informs you that they are not actually selling any beer today, but if they were you would get the discount promised. That ain't right. I can't do that to someone.

But I am more than willing to go down to the strip club and lay out some bills. That's fun. The boundaries are established. In exchange for money girls will dance naked for me. No crossed signals. They want nothing more from me and I expect nothing more from them. In fact the one time a dancer suggested that something more could happen I was totally creeped out. That ain't right, either. Unless it's Nevada.

Stupid Dolphins

Scientist says dolphins are dim-wits.

Brains, he says, are made of neurons and glia. The latter create the environment for the neurons to work properly and producing heat is one of glia's functions.

"Dolphins have a superabundance of glia and very few neurons ... The dolphin's brain is not made for information processing it is designed to counter the thermal challenges of being a mammal in water," Manger said.

Which is why people from Canada are slow simpletons, right?

"You put an animal in a box, even a lab rat or gerbil, and the first thing it wants to do is climb out of it. If you don't put a lid on top of the bowl a goldfish will eventually jump out to enlarge the environment it is living in," he said.

"But a dolphin will never do that. In the marine parks the dividers to keep the dolphins apart are only a foot or two above the water between the different pools," he said.

Why not? Because, Manger says, the thought would simply not cross their unsophisticated minds.

Ironically, many Americans request to be stuck away in a box for minimal rewards and those boxes have open spaces to walk through. So a goldfish jumping out of the watery bowl to die on the table is smarter than dolphins and Americans.

If John C. Lilly were still alive I'm sure he would have a thing or two to say. I am still left wondering if scientists don't completely overestimate the intelligence of humans. There might be some bias.

Man on the Moon

While perusing an issue of Machine Design at work, a colleague read an article on the design of the equipment currently being prepared for America's return to the Moon. For him it supported the idea that the old moon landings were faked. On top of the oft cited conspiracy theories on the topic, the technological sophistication of the proposed equipment for the future endeavors and how many unknowns NASA is preparing for offered further evidence that the famed Apollo missions never happened.

I personally don't care. Maybe the moon landings were faked. It doesn't matter to me. What does matter is that I am not living in an orbital colony, working in space, and hanging out in a climate controlled zero gravity environment. That is all I really want. Because in a weightless climate controlled environment a culture of nudity would inevitably develop. Clothing is a human convention derived as a form of protection from variable conditions, adaptability through application of intelligence. Clothing would only be a burden in a zero gravity environment. The creativity and desire for personal expression found in humans would fuel fashion trends favoring body modification over apparel. Women free from the devastating effects of gravity would be able to fully celebrate the liberation of their endowments. There would also have to be exercise areas where half-G conditions exist lest the body deteriorate. Those same endowments bouncing with half the burden.

Floating tattooed boobies! That's what space migration is really all about. And scientific endeavor, human progress, blah, blah, blah...

Blog Notes

From an e-mail exchange.

I found this description and had to share as you two are the only bloggers I know.

Blogger. n. Someone with nothing to say writing for someone with nothing to do.

You have to admit that 99.98% of all blogs are crap.

Yep. Mine is. Grade A fertilizer grade crap.

I thought each blogger is supposed to think their blog was the core of all truth and rightness? Or is yours that stuff as well as crap?

All blogs are shit. But mine is the core of truth and rightness because I realize it is shit.

Faith-Based Initiative

The world is still full of unanswerable questions.

The Beirut photo fiasco opened the floodgates for all coverage to be lambasted by those who believe one side, the Israeli one in this instance, is more justified in it's bloodletting than the other. But if it's unethical to add puffs of black smoke to a Beirut scene, for whatever reason, what are the ethics of using said puffs as an equally artificial smokescreen to justify the attempted whitewashing of an entire war zone, denying that innocent civilians are suffering, and holding up their killers as blameless victims?

There are things we don't know and things we do. What is not known is how the digitally falsified image of Beirut came about. We do know that on June 30, 2006, an Israeli airstrike on the nearby southern Lebanese town of Qana destroyed an apartment building and killed many of those inside.

Accept most people don't know that. Every little bit of false information that gets into the media adds to the sense that maybe none of this is real. Why Hezbollywood Was Born. Until I set foot in Beirut and see it for myself, I can't know, only believe.

Reading the news is a faith-based initiative.

Best Pencil Ever

A co-worker and I were talking about mechanical pencils today. Turns out we have the same favorite, the Pentel Quicker Clicker. We also both prefer the early model to the later models. It was exceptionally well built, rugged, an innovative design developed on a solid foundation of quality mechanical pencils. Each of us still has the first one we ever had while having broken or lost several of the later models.

I still remember how I came into possession of my first one. In the summer of 1993 I went to the Walker Art Center with my friend David. We were there to view the Jeff Koons exhibition which my parents had assured me was fabulous. What we found there was an exhibit that was a piece of shit and an old school mate, who was quite the opposite, working security at the museum. The parking lot was one of those where you write your vehicle's plate number on an envelope and stick the parking fee inside before sliding the envelope into a drop slot. In the box containing the standard stubby #2 pencils and miniature manila envelopes was a clear green Pentel Quicker Clicker. Feeling a bit put out by all of the free parking stalls being taken, I nicked the pencil and put it in my bag. The day was fantastic. We made fun of the art in mock intellectual tones, caught up with an old friend who helped us to make fun of the art in mock intellectual tones, and I got the best mechanical pencil I have ever possessed. That pencil has traveled over many states, written many lines, and still serves me well.

Wasn't that all simply enthralling? Oh, certainly. I very much appreciated the juxtaposition of the in-eptitude of the contemporary artist with the utilitarian triumph of the lowly mechanical pencil. Oh, and did you notice the karmaic undertones of the cost of parking vis-à-vis the discovered treasure? Marvelous!

That Old Time Religion

In a recent experiment I have been focusing energy on the old Norse rune, Feoh. Its origins associate it with cattle, which were a sign of wealth. Later it became associated with wealth in general. An interesting aspect of the Viking concept of wealth was that it was not just something to horde, but could also be used as gifts to buy honor. For instance, if you landed on some foreign shore to trade with the locals, you would give them samples of your goods to increase your honorable status with them. If they refused your gifts or acted ungrateful, you slaughtered the villagers and took everything. Likewise, if they did not bestow some fancy goods on you, it was burn, rape, loot, pillage time. Something to keep in mind during the holiday season.

So I have focused on this rune for some time now. When I masturbate, the energy from the climax gets funneled towards Feoh. When I shit, that rush that tingles up the spine as I finish is channeled towards Feoh. I drew the rune on our big white board as a constant reminder. And sometimes I just sit around thinking about it.

In the past week I have received 40 lbs. of beef, a solid silver coffee service complete with creamer, sugar, and biscuit bowls, someone offered me a trailer in exchange for a case of beer, and someone else invited me to spend four days in Cabos surfing and deep sea fishing on their grandparents' yacht. I can't reciprocate, so I guess I'll have to sharpen my sword.

The Winner Is... CHAOS!

War commentary.

The problem is, in the world of occupational politics, one rarely gets to eat one's cake and have it too. At some point, the ripples from the chaos you generate, whether purposely or by accident, converge into the kind of perfect wave of horror that you just may not be capable of riding out.

101 Uses of Chaos

Days of Confusion

Keeping up with multiple news sources, each of them reporting on the news with their own variety of spin from paranoid religious right patriots to paranoid lunatic fringe conspiracy theorists, my world view has gone a bit tipsy. My head is swimming. The colors bleed into each other creating mosaic patterns of an ultra-reality beyond existence as we know it. The sound bites become visible and the snap shots scream. It is all one voice vomiting vitriol on a media canvas to create a collage of disinformation meant to keep us confused and powerless. Or is it a bunch of comedy sports fans spouting spin? Perhaps it is just the attempts of all these different sources trying to make sense of things that is really fouling up a world that cannot not and should not be understood but experienced.

Wait, am I supposed to take the yellow pill or the red one on Tuesdays? Oh crap. It's Monday!

AWPC

I took a thermos of my now famous coffee into work today.

Is that some of your nitroglycerin? I was trying to describe it to one of the other guys and told him that if you tried to add cream or sugar, it would probably jump back out.

Job Hunter

Anyone remember when I ran my Job Hunter blog? Of course not. Nobody read that crap. It was all about the more than 300 résumés I had submitted for various jobs and the creative writing that went into all of the accompanying cover letters. I shutter to think...

So now I've got this job that pays shit but I love doing. What should come along in the mail but a postcard from one of the places I had applied at. It stated that they were in need of new people and encouraged me to apply. Most of the places I submitted materials to I would just blow off. Nobody is getting me behind a desk again. But this was from Union Pacific Railroad. It would be switching, moving, and maintaining trains.

So I applied. Hell, they asked so nicely. I included a little humor. One of my professional references is the old farmer I used to work for. I figured if they bothered to call my references they might get a kick out of listening to one of the thickest Minnesota accents still alive. I can just imagine him rambling at them.

Oh, dat Jake Roth! He's a good worker. Still got a mohawk? Dem mohawks are good workers. Don't over heat on da hay rack. Skin heads are good workers too. Still got all dem rings in his face? You can attach a chain to dem and tie him to da train and he'll work all day long and into the night. You betcha! Best crop I ever had was dat year he worked for me.

How To Survive In An Age Of Death

Liquid World.

President Bush praises the "solid" investigation that uncovered the plot. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff says the British did it by following "threads." Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says we're working "to dismantle these terrorist cells before an attack occurs." Kip Hawley, the head of the Transportation Security Agency, says liquid explosives are "on our radar screen."

These are the metaphors of a bygone age. Nothing is solid for sure anymore, not even bombs. Between terrorist cells, there are often no threads. No dismantling is final. Radar's lousy in water.

We're living in a liquid world. All the solid lines—states, borders, battlefronts—are melting.

The illiterate and/or lazy can listen to the story here.

I get it! It's just like surfing. The waves might drown you, sharks might decide to take a chunk out of you, or you might take a dive and break your neck on a reef. Regardless, you just have to go out and keep surfing. Ignore the boundaries. Ignore the rules. Ignore the threats. Live!

A day will come when all of my metaphors will be either chopper or surf related.

Dream Journal

While waiting for my trophy in recognition of my grand accomplishments in the arts, a group of young men start harassing my young female companion about the profanity printed on her t-shirt. I swing around and push the biggest and loudest one back into a wall. "Free speech, man!" He starts to throw a punch, but hesitates mid-swing with a fearful look in his eyes. I grab his fist, spin him around, and push his face into the wall. "That includes words like fuck, piss, shit, cunt, bastard, and asshole to name a few." He is struggling against my hold on him, but I haven't finished yet. I lift him above my head, driving him into the low ceiling before pounding him into the ground. As he lays on the floor, arm twisted behind his back, shaking with his efforts not to cry, I lean down and whisper into his ear, "For more information, contact the American Civil Liberties Union." I am then handed my art trophy, which is topped with a gold rimmed coffee cup.

I dream like a geek.

Vote Jake in Hell

My all time favorite author is Robert Anton Wilson. Hands down. No exceptions. RAW Rocks! When the documentary about him, Maybe Logic, was introduced, I not only pre-ordered the special edition DVD but drove to Santa Cruz for the premiere and sat in the front row.

So imagine my excitement when I found out that the same production company that made the documentary was releasing a DVD of RAW's screenplay, Wilhelm Reich in Hell. Then I watched the trailer. With all my will I tried to watch the whole thing. I was one of the few people who actually enjoyed reading the screenplay. I made it three quarters of the way through. How far can you get?

Porn Star Governess

Porn star Mary Carey is going for a rematch against Arnold in the upcoming California elections.

Carey said she believed porn and politics went together, inspiring her slogan: "Finally, a politician you want to be screwed by."

Damn! That's a good one. She gets a cabinet post for certain. Or maybe I can use her to stack the Supreme Court.

Giving In

I broke down and got a MySpace account just so I could peruse other people's stuff. Don't expect to ever see anything there. This is where the action happens.

Been There, Done That

Muppet creators go adult.

The creators of The Muppets and Sesame Street are staging a puppet show that is strictly for adults only.

Miss Piggy would blush over the antics in "Jim Henson's Puppet Improv" which spearheads a renaissance of puppet shows for grown-ups at this year's Edinburgh Fringe arts festival.

It's been done. In 1989, Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson gave us the sick and twisted Meet the Feebles. Hell hath no fury like a hippo with a machine gun.

No Nipples!

A "Presidential Bust" of U.S. Sen. Hillary Clinton was unveiled on Wednesday at New York's Museum of Sex, where sculptor Daniel Edwards hopes it will spark discussion about sex, politics and celebrity.

Oh, so deep! The artist says he wanted to capture the sexual nature of Ms. Clinton, but the bust has no nipples. This surely eludes to her as a sexual pleasure unit since without any way to feed offspring she can never be a mother figure. This makes her out to be the Left Wing West Wing American Whore.

WoW Junkies

An addiction counselor points out that World of Warcraft is addictive.

...Blizzard, which structures the games like World of Warcraft to be addictive. They design these MMORPGs to keep people in the game. I do think the problem is tied in with other things like family issues, but the games themselves are inherently addictive. That's ultimately the cause of the problem.

As an addiction counselor she has nothing to gain by saying this. Really. As for the observation that a game company would actually design their game to be addictive, that receives a great big, "Well DUH!" I taught game development at a college. One of my lectures each term was on the elements for creating rewarding game play. Games need to trigger the reward center in the brain so the player gets a rush, a high. Otherwise nobody buys the game and you're out of a job. "Addiction" is the goal of every game made.

The word goes in quotes there because I get sick of the addiction label getting attached to just about every recreational activity from drugs to gambling to sex. Heroin is addictive. A heroin addict's body NEEDS the drug in order to function properly. A gambler may have a severe compulsion, but he won't die if he quits cold turkey. Same goes for sex and video games.

And all the really cool addiction music, literature, and film is still about heroin. I personally prefer acid art, but even the DEA knows LSD isn't addictive.

Mankato Dontcha Know

I guess this is Mankato, Minnesota week. So far this week we have received telephone calls from three individuals living in Mankato, one of which told me about another old acquaintance of mine now living there, and the Swede Transvestite discovered the MySpace for my favorite Mankato punk band from back in the day, My Friend Stu. But you still can't surf there.

Nostalgic About Nostalgia

My apologies in advance for the sappiness of this post.

People tend to look back on the past with glassy eyed nostalgia remembering all the really great things they used to do. I do it too. I've had a lot of really great times worth remembering and even sharing with others.

For a lot of folks they get to a point where the good times seem to end. They grow up, get serious, get a job, have some kids, settle down, and the wild and crazy days of their youth are over. So they wax nostalgic for what was and now is no more.

That's a damn shame. The good times never need to end. You just have to seek novelty.

In the past year I have written a book, learned machine maintenance, went surfing, started video blogging, watched a vasectomy being performed on myself, performed a wedding ceremony for my older sister, watched the World Cup final while eating barbecue, discovered that eating 13 marinated red hot chili peppers can cause me to hallucinate, and rode my chopper in a kilt. Each of these things I will someday look back on with nostalgia and fondness (or at least a good giggle). I have some vices, too. Ten years from now I probably won't give a damn about the time I spent playing World of Warcraft (though the anarcho-syndicalist guild is a good story), reading the news, or scoring torrents for the entire second season of the new Doctor Who (even though it rocked).

So if your life is humdrum and you find yourself pining for the good old days, just go create some moments that will become new good old days. Repeat often for a full and happy life.

Thus sayeth the Prophet of Wyrd.

Lieberman a Loser

Lieberman loses battle over war.

Lieberman conceded defeat but said he would file petitions on Wednesday to run as an independent in November.

"Tomorrow, we launch a new campaign to unite the people of Connecticut," he told cheering supporters at a downtown Hartford hotel. "If you're fed up with the nasty partisanship in Washington, then I ask your help."

This guy knows all about nasty partisan politics. As a Democrat he helped to keep Nader and LaDuke from winning so that the two major parties could end partisanship on their own terms. And you can tell he is serious about ending Washington partisanship because he tried to get the Democratic nomination before declaring himself independent. Being a non-partisan liberal means agreeing and voting with conservatives.

If the guy spins any faster he's going to have a dizzy spell and faint.

The Nostalgia Scene

Yes, I listened to Sonic Youth back in the day. Still do. I still have my copy of Goo as well as several other of their titles. But I never saw any of their videos because, well, farm kids couldn't get cable, poor kids couldn't get satellite, and I rarely watched TV anyway. So I saw this video for the first time today. It was like a spooky flashback. A couple of fresh faced geeky gawky teens in flannels and ratty jeans. A step back in time to an image that mirrored my own memories. But it was recorded at that time. Videos have a tendency to glorify the culture of their time and paint an unrealistic portrait. This video is as clear and accurate as a scrap book polaroid snap shot. They actually managed to see it and capture it. Only thing missing is the thick haze of cigarette smoke. Art. Kind of tickles.

Jake the Goat

The American Prospect has a story on the Democratic Party's potential strategy this fall called Winning Like Losers.

Last week, a lapsed Democratic friend was explaining to me her theory http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifof why it would be better if Democrats did not win back control of the Congress this fall. In its simplest form, it goes like this: Things suck and theyÂ’re going to get worse; as the deterioration accelerates, the people in charge are going to be the ones blamed for the mayhem. They will be punished by the voters in the next presidential election, in 2008. So let the Republicans have this mess and the consequences that flow from it.

That strategy would make sense if it weren't for Republicans. Their strategy involves winning at all costs, declaring a victory mandate, and spinning any social and political ills as all the more reason why we need to keep voting Republican.

It looks like a lose-lose situation. Which it very well could be this fall.

But in 2008, there is a choice. I am volunteering to be the scapegoat. The Democratic party can escape blame for the current woes without the horror of losing to the conservatives. Republicans can blame all of the problems they have saddled this country with on me as the new commander-in-chief without the worry of appearing weakened by a Democratic victory. That's right, it can all be MY fault! And whoever wins in 2012 can blame everything on my insane policies. It's win-win-win!

AWPC: More Surf

My co-worker and I couldn't think about anything but surfing today.

M: So I figured it out. If we went straight home from work, went right to bed, we could wake up about six or seven, head to the coast, surf for a few hours, and still make it back in time for work.

Me: Yeah! We could. (long pause while I seriously consider it) If I had my own gear I'd say yes. But for now, I'm going to practice restraint.

He also talked up my surfing in front of the young girls at work.

M: For a guy who moved here from Minnesota, Jake was awesome. He was paddling out, got his timing down, and even almost caught a wave on his first time out. I give him a million points.

We were both positively glowing at work. Both from the joy of riding waves and the heat from our sun toasted faces.

His friend, a professional surf instructor, sympathized with our weak waves. Turns out that all week the sets were rolling in and he was camped on the coast to catch them. Then Friday afternoon they started to die down and it was hard to catch a decent wave. Total bummer.

Ruination

Back in 1996 I was looking at motorcycles, trying to decide if I should fix up the old Honda or get something else to ride. The fourth dealership I hit was the Harley-Davidson shop. While there I sat down on a Sportster. It wasn't even running but at that moment my life had changed, it had developed a clear focus. I became a Harley rider.

Yesterday I got that sensation again. I am a ruined man. The wave was only powerful enough for me to get to my knees, but I am hooked. Laying in bed last night I kept feeling the waves. They would wash over me in a mighty blast and then the current would try to sweep me away. And I wanted to let it take me.

I can never leave the coast. My next move will have to bring me closer to the beach. Eventually I will live in some coastal town in Southern California or Australia and do nothing but ride choppers and go surfing. Both are dangerous sports of balance and style. Freakin' Libra tendencies.

For now, I can rent a suit and board. By next summer, I'll probably want my own so at any time I can load up the truck and hit the beach. Ruined!

Surf Punk

I brought the camera with, but we didn't take any footage. Wouldn't have been much to see.

At quarter-after 10AM I hit All Surf Industry and rented a suit and board for the day. Nice folks. When I told the staffer I was headed to Canon Beach he actually said, "Awesome dude." Trying to keep myself from busting out laughing at this fine surfer stereotype, I thanked him for the goods and loaded up the truck. I headed across the river, picked up my friend, and away we went.

It wasn't a great day for surfing. Air and water temps were decent. The beach wasn't over crowded. Unfortunately the waves were breaking before building up to a good size for riding. I started off getting a feel for the waves using the boogie board my friend had brought with. A wave would start building, I would turn away from it, and the strength of the flowing water would carry me forward. I rode a few small waves this way. During this time my friend managed to catch one wave of a good enough size to get up and ride. The current was very strong, carrying us closer and closer to an outcropping of rocks. We paddled back to shore and took a breather.

While I was playing in the waves with the surf board, we got about thirty minutes of good waves. I lay on the board for a while, looking back at the waves. As large ones rolled in I would paddle forward, feel the board lifting behind me, and hold on as the ocean pushed me forward. During one I managed to get up on my knees before the power behind me faded.

That was the end of the good waves for the day. When we got close to the rocks again I traveled back up the shore to give it another go. The swells were quieting. I played around for a while, but nothing even remotely that good came in again.

So of course I have to do this again some time. Even without actually standing, surfing was great fun today. And next time, I'll catch one big enough to actually ride.

Redemption Song

Gumball Campaign

Just a reminder that as part of my 2008 election campaign I want to build a super trick muscle car and run the Gumball 3000. In order to do this I need to have at least $100,000 in my campaign fund. Currently I have $1.20 reserved for this.

Whip It, Whip It Good

Charity wants people to lend a hand...

Hundreds of Britons are being urged to attend what is being branded as Europe's first "Masturbate-a-thon," a leading British reproductive healthcare charity said Friday...

However, the rules on the event's Web site states there can be no touching of other participants nor are people allowed to fake orgasms.

Can I referee? Wouldn't want any cheaters. While I have no formal training in this area, I have done a lot of independent study.

Helter Skelter

Not only do I have a Mosaic Complex (Heed the Words of the Prophet!) but I come to find out that my wife shares a birthday with Charles Manson's favorite gal, Squeaky Fromme (aka Red), who was convicted of attempting to assassinate Ford.

9/11 Conspiracy-A-Go-Go

One-third see U.S. hand in 9/11.

More than a third of the American public suspects that federal officials assisted in the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks or took no action to stop them so the United States could go to war in the Middle East, according to a new Scripps Howard/Ohio University poll.

This puts 9/11 easily on a par with the JFK assassination for conspiracy theory. Which means one side will repeat "Terrorists" and "al Qaeda" while the other side will sift through material ranging from the rationally plausible to the lunatic fringe. "Truth" is no longer possible at this point.

You are now leaving objective reality. Existence is getting sticky. Please check your hat.

Cat People are Sick

Common cat parasite affects human brains.

The Toxoplasma-gondii is spread by cats to humans and other animal species, including rats, and can lead to suicidal tendencies, said Dr. Kevin Lafferty, of the University of California at Santa Barbara in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society, Biology.

This might be why I not only dislike cats but tend to dislike cat owners as well. Sick bastards.

He Ate a Couple o' Surfers Who Were Too Tough to Chew

I currently have plans to go surfing for the first time this Sunday. I'll take the DV camera with so everyone can watch me wiping out over and over.

Proud To Be An American

Pepsi and Coke under fire again. India! Round 2! Fight!

CSE Director Sunita Narain told journalists in Delhi that samples from 12 states showed that Pepsi products contained 30 times more pesticides than found in 2003.

Likewise she said that Coke samples had 25 times the amount of pesticides found three years ago.

Thank goodness I live in the USA where soft drinks only lead to obesity, adult onset diabetes, and still disputed health risks over artificial sweeteners.

23 Skidoo

I wonder if Movie Madness has a copy of Skidoo.

REAL Old School Punk

The punks and the glams of Ireland have a long and proud tradition.

Life in the Iron Age may have been nasty, brutish and short but people still found time to style their hair and polish their fingernails -- and that was just the men.

Very, very metal indeed.

One of the bodies, churned up by a peat-cutting machine at Clonycavan near Dublin in 2003, had raised Mohawk-style hair, held in place with gel imported from abroad.

The other, unearthed three months later and 25 miles away in Oldcroghan by workmen digging a ditch, had perfectly manicured fingernails.

Fashion advice from beyond the grave.

...the hair product used by Clonycavan Man was a gel made of plant oil and pine resin imported from southwestern France or Spain...

I might have to try the pine resin trick.

Find out more from Irish bog bodies help unlock secrets of Iron Age.