Smokin'

We all know that Budweiser, Winston, Playboy, and many other 'sin' brands sponsor music and sporting events. Here's one that took me by surprise. Check out Zig Zag Live! That's right, a company known for premium rolling papers (for tobacco use only) is sponsoring a small tour. It may be a club tour and it may be dominated by emo/indie college rock crap, but it still impresses me.

There are a lot of different rolling papers out there. Only Zig Zag has real brand recognition. People who have never inhaled a single puff recognize Zig Zag. Most afficianados I have met prefer Zig Zags with the orange pack 1 1/4's tops on the list.

But if you are trying to tell me that Zig Zag has reached a high enough level of consumer loyalty that it can sponsor a club tour because of tobacco products... what have you been smoking?

Old News is Good NEws: 1983

Drug Testing

I'm one of two guys on the maintenance staff for my plant that has NOT gotten a DUI. Pretty sad IMHO. The most recent one to join the DUI club was saying that at his most recent drug test he was told that a new type of urine test was being implemented that would allow them to detect alcohol use within 4 days. The general consensus was that they were bullshitting him. So I came home and did some research. Nearly everyone says 12-24 hours. A place that sells detox kits said up to 2 days. Nowhere could I find a 4 day test. Anyone out there heard of such a thing?

This blog did start as a political idea. So here's the politics.

I have never and will never get a DUI. If you don't drink and drive you can't get caught driving drunk. I am still against drunk driving laws. We have lots of regulations covering how a person must operate their motor vehicle. If a person can stay in their lane, drive the speed limit, avoid pedestrians, follow traffic signs, and generally drive better than some fuck wit on their cell phone, who cares if they are drunk or sober? Yes, I know the statistics. But for all you people who claim to be all about less government, how is driving while drunk any worse than driving while stupid? Who amongst you has the cahones to say that we should put stiffer penalties on stupid people? And then you have to go in for an IQ test every week to prove that you aren't too dumb to drive.

And I still hold a lot of hate for Republicans in general and Reagan specifically for allowing work place and general drug testing as a matter of public policy. Being on drugs and being a threat to society are two separate issues. After all, Islam forbids the use of drugs INCLUDING alcohol, many sects even frowning on tobacco use. Some of these entirely way too sober individuals think it's a GOOD idea to kill themselves and as many others as possible in the process. At least a drunk driver feels sorry about killing someone when he sobers up.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

WARNING! ART

Check out this Testament to Pro-Life featuring Britney Spears and being exhibited in a New York gallery. Couldn't find a shot of her kid's head popping out of her vagina.

And people thought my Pro-Choice sculpture was in poor taste.

Birth Control

A guy at work was wearing a hat that read, "Fuck Me. I'm White Trash."

Check it Out

Saturday. Red and Black Cafe. The Swede Transvestite and I got checked out by several young women. A few men, too. Not just casual curiosity, either. One purple and black haired gal slowly looked me over head to toe while standing right in front of me. Then she gave me a big smile.

Monday. Work. While doing a wheel change I catch an operator looking me over. I smile at her and she smiles back.

If I got caught behaving that way as a male, it could be considered sexual harassment. Or maybe I'd just be a male chauvinist pig or a dirty pervert. As a 30 something man who has been happily married for about nine years now, I like having girls in their early twenties appreciatively looking me over. It's flattery.

Spooky Similarities

"Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised."
-Marilyn Manson

"Bad storms are not becoming more prevalent, but news about them and the population of the areas they hit have certainly expanded."
-Me, a couple of weeks ago at work

AWPC's Abound!

So after a month of them breathing down our necks about production, production, production, tonight I went to work to discover that we had temporarily run out of orders and would spend the night cleaning.

Mikey: Do you think there'll be lay-offs?
Me: Unlikely. Spring is here and soon tornados will be tearing up the Midwest.
Tim: And hurricanes.
Me: Ooo, and straight line winds.
Tim: And mudslides.
Me: Disaster will strike.
Tim: And everybody will run to Home Depot to clean up the mess.
Me: And we'll be back in business.

Then I found out that packaging is divided between those who think Tim is cute and those who think I'm cute. I found out when I answered a maintenance call back there.

Maria: I think this one's cuter.
Lana: I'm sticking with the other one.
Maria: Please don't tell them what we talk about back here.
Jake: I perceive nothing that happens outside of the immediate vicinity of the machine that I am working on.
Maria: Huh?
Lana (w/ bad German accent): He knows nothing.

Tim and I guilt tripped some operators into sharing their lunch.

Tim: You ordered pizza? Did you ever stop to think that maybe we would have gone in on it, too?
Jessica: I'm sorry. Seray and I will share some of ours.
Tim: Both you and Seray ordered pizza?
Jake: And you never stopped to think that maybe the guys who make your machines run might want some?
Jessica: It was Raeline's idea!
Tim: Raeline too! I see how it is.
Jessica: We'll share.
Jake: No, no. We're obviously not important to you.

This ended with us scoring a couple slices of pizza for lunch.

Finally, Tim offered me this bit of wisdom about inebriation.

Tim: You can drink a girl pretty, but you can't drink her skinny.

The Beautiful People

Went down to the Burgerville on Powell by the high school for lunch. What a grand time I had. High school kids are just like adults except they only wear one costume. Adults learn to hide elements of themselves that society finds objectionable. Those HS kids, while obviously posing and posturing their screwed up little agendas, don't yet have that obvious second layer. Several adults will put on even more layers. Ever met one of those guys who wears a suit to work, kicks it around town in khakis and a polo shirt, but secretly wishes they could wear ripped jeans and a Led Zepplin T-shirt?

2 cents, folks. School uniforms and dress codes are tools of the man to beat kids into a subservient mindset. All the chatter about discipline, school violence, gang clothing, and classroom distraction... utter bullshit designed to beat down the independent spirit, even if that independent spirit is trying desperately to look like everyone else. It's all part of the pack game.

What did I see...

That chubby kid with the frizzy hair and the algebra book. He gets his books dumped in the hall all the time.

That girl wearing the tight hip huggers and an even tighter top showing midriff. She spent over an hour this morning making sure her hair was perfect.

Those two girls with the spiky black hair. One is wearing black tights under shredded jeans, the other has on Carharts overalls. They spend all their free time in the art room and will spend their sophomore year of college as lesbians.

That kid with the straight dark hair who has managed to grow a wispy mustache. He still can't figure out why he doesn't get the ladies.

The tall boy with the mature face and a permanent 5 o'clock shadow. He's the one to go to when you want cigarettes and beer.

That table of girls in sweats. Not fat girls. Not skinny girls. Not pretty girls. Not ugly girls. It's got to be the high school volleyball team.

Hurray for stereotypes!

Quack!

I needed a new set of Carhart's for work. Went down to Freddie's and couldn't decide if I wanted the black or the duck. Then I looked at the tags. The black were made in Mexico from US components. The duck were 100% Made in the USA. I bought the duck.

At one time all Carharts were union made in the USA.

AWPC and an Exercise in Beauty

Guy: I walked into this strip club and couldn't decide who I was going to spend my money on. They were all goddesses.

Me: I have similar feelings about the women I see just walking down the street.

Guy: No, seriously, they were all drop dead gorgeous goddesses.

Me: No, seriously, I can feel the same way walking down the street.

Activity time everybody. After you read this, spend the next 24 hours looking at everyone you see and figuring out in what way they are absolutely beautiful. You will fail. If anyone can actually make it a whole week, let me know. I've never made it more than a day. I think I got lucky.

If you can train yourself to see everybody as beautiful, you will find yourself living in a very beautiful world.

AWPC

Michael: This tank smells worse than a doberman's ass!

Me: Right. And you know this how?

Pot, Kettle, Black

Mr Lukashenko’s victory is likely to increase the international isolation of a regime the US has labelled “Europe’s last dictatorship”. The White House said on Monday night it did not accept the vote, and European Union foreign ministers denounced the elections as “neither free nor fair”.

Full story.

Revelation

November 2nd, 1989, 10:05pm CST.

I killed God.

A Different Breed of Lazy

Sooner or later, a maintenance guy burns out and needs to be lazy for a while. The average guy will then spend time trying to dodge doing any kind of work. That requires a lot of effort and hoping that nobody catches you goofing off. I go about it differently.

Doing my Sunday overtime today I got back from my last break and knew that I really didn't want to do much for the next two hours. I looked out at the sea of machines with their blue maintenance lights on. Let's see now, which machine has had it's light on all day for some real kick in the pants problem that's not going away any time soon? Ah, there it is. So I deliberately parked myself at one of the oldest, crappiest, screwed up piece of shit machines. I knew that I would spend the last two hours of the day at that one machine and with a little bit of luck, I just might get it to run a little better. There was no chance that I could 'fix' this old beast. Nobody has fixed that thing the entire time I've worked there. A good maintenance guy can get it to run well for a shift, maybe two if they're lucky.

How is parking myself at a piece of shit machine being lazy? With the right mind set, it turns into your playground. It already doesn't run for shit, so you can start playing with all of the different pieces of the puzzle. What does this do? What if I do that? It's a game. The operator has spent all day cussing at the machine and has given up any hopes they may have harbored of actually getting production out of it. They are more than happy to sit back and let you mess with it as long as they don't have to touch it for the last two hours. They'll chat with you and keep you company while you tinker. And after a couple of hours, it runs a little better. The operator turns in their paper work for the day, turns off the machine, turns out the maintenance light, and thanks you for your hard work.

The Butterfly Effect

I thought for certain I would hate this film. But somebody lent me their copy saying I would probably really enjoy it. So I went into this film thinking for certain that I was going to find that I just wasted the last two hours of my life.

I was wrong. The Butterfly Effect is a very well written film. This is probably the first time I've watched a film and gone, "Wow! What a great script!" The acting was average. They pulled it off. In defense of Ashton Kutcher, he manages to not destroy a great script. But if you want to watch and really enjoy the film, watch the director's cut. I was told to do so because of the extreme difference in endings. After watching the film I flipped the disk and watched the theatrical ending. If that is what they feel they have to do to a film to make it acceptable for American audiences, it's a good thing I'm not making movies.

Maybe it's because I have several volumes of journals that I keep, but The Butterfly Effect really did draw me in. Just watch the director's cut.

St. Patrick's Day Rant`

Because it's St. Pat's Day I'm listening to Flogging Molly and the Dropkick Murphys. Listening to DKM's Worker's Song I stopped what I was doing, raised my fist in the air, and repeated the lyrics to myself.

They're the first ones to starve
They're the first ones to die
The first ones in line for that pie in the ski

I am a worker. Fuck those of you who never have been. Just for today. You will never know. Fuck you.

Power to the Workers

A really great guy at work quit today. They told him that they were going to move him to a different shift. He was sick of getting tossed around by management, so he quit.

Right afterward he came up to me, handed me his phone number, and said, "I just quit. Fuck them."

People shortly after that came up and started to talk. Why did he quit? He was such a good worker. Strong production. I took the opportunity to implant my own agenda in everyone's heads, and it worked.

To quit when the bosses are dicking you around takes a strong individual. It's a liberating feeling to say, "Fuck you! I ain't your whore." This was the real kicker. "If you want any indication of what the company really thinks of you, take a look at who walks the quitters and the people who get fired out the door. It's the material handlers. That's all we are to them."

So cheers to you, Damon. I'll give you a call this weekend. Some may call you unemployed. Right now, you are in charge.

At least until the money runs out.

NSFW: Let the Games Begin!

If ever there were a sport to which I have any qualifications to judge, it would be the Exotic Dancing Finals.

If ever there were a sport where even amateurs can provide an entertaining experience, it would be the Exotic Dancing Finals.

The prize money is WAY too low for what these athletes have given to America.

Yeah Baby!

The "A" Word

Talking politics at work is always risky territory. But hey, they started it.

They started off on good ground, talkin' about everything wrong with the current el presidente. They continued with solid discourse on other bad 'leaders' this country has had. Then someone had to screw it all up by mentioning who they thought had done a good job. What's worse? They said Reagan.

That's when I popped the A-word. There is no such thing as a good politician. No individual can ever represent 'the people' because the people can't agree on what they want done. That is why, when it's all said and done, I remain an Anarchist.

"And I happen to be running for President in 2008. I'm not voting for me. My running mate isn't voting for me. I encourage all of you to do the same." I may have gotten a taker, too.

The other biker talked with me about it afterwards, expressing ideas of how people could make a change if they really wanted to, but the populous is way to apathetic about it. The people get who they deserve. "If we could get just 5% of the population to all write their representatives we could start making some real change."

"I've got a better idea. I say it's better because it requires people to do NOTHING. Get 10% of the population to do NOTHING on tax day. Can you imagine 10% of Americans deciding they just won't pay their taxes this year?"

"I like it! Money talks, bullshit walks, and even the laziest guy has no excuse."

It's still strange to use the A-word at work. I might as well tell them I'm a Shiite Cleric running an al Qaeda splinter cell.

Har Mar Superstar

Are you short, pudgy, balding, and can't get laid? It's probably because you can't dance like the Har Mar Superstar.



My wife went to school with him at his first high school. I was a security guard at the high school he graduated from. I also had an earlier band of his, Calvin Krime, headline the last ever music festival I held on my parent's dairy farm, the sixth annual Blood Orgy of the Atomic Fern (a nod to the Dead Milkmen). He's a swell enough guy that I'd piss on him if he was on fire. And I'm pretty certain I'd find his videos fall on the floor funny if I didn't know him.

If a guy like the Har Mar Superstar (aka. Sean Tillman) can hang with the movers and shakers and score some major tail, plumbers everywhere can have hopes for a brighter future. It still ain't gonna happen, but they at least have someone to point to and say, "I am not necessarily undesirable!" Of course they gotta learn to dance first.

Cricket

In world test cricket there are no mascots, no silly team names. I like that.

Too Smart for the Factory

The folks on the floor figured it out while I was an operator. Jake's a smart boy. Now the folks in the machine shop and tool and die have figured it out. They've been asking what I used to do, what my education is, stuff like that. It always ends with a question phrased with almost the exact same words every time.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Is Huge In Japan

Walking out of work I looked at the silhouetted landscape and then up at the hazy Portland sky. The sky is a lot bigger.

Pimpin'

Who's the biggest, baddest pimp daddy of them all? That's right, Uncle Sam be the man. He's the one who gonna take care of all his hos. Just bend over and take it for the man, bitch, and Uncle Sam will see nothin bad happens to you. And what does big pimp daddy Sam ask for his generous protection? He just wants what's comin' to him. The bitch better have his money. He ain't runnin' no charity.



I mean really, who but a pimp could get away with wearin' those threads? Ain't we all lucky bitches to be workin' for the biggest, baddest pimp in town? Show 'im some respect or y'all be gettin' the slap down you deserve!

I Am Mean

The landlord next door hates me. Ever since one of his tenneants let their cat get into our backyard (with dog meets cat results) he has harbored ill will towards me.

Today he was next door as my hound barked at him. "I'm going to have to get into your yard to fix what your dog has done to my fence."

"Let me take a look." I walk over and inspect the fence. "You see, your post is rotted at the base. That's your problem."

Miffed. "Well, I still want to come over and prop a couple of 2x4's between the tree and the fence. That should hold it."

"You're not propping anything against the tree in our yard."

Funny thing is, if he hadn't wrongfully blamed my dog for the fence, I might have let him do it. It's just a rental property.

Spicy!

A guy at work brought in some red hot chili peppers marinated in pepper oil. He had all the guys back in the maintenance pit try one. Everyone agreed they were WAY too hot. One guy who has a reputation for liking spicy food ate two and said, "No more." Another guy ate one and turned bright red.

Then I got done cleaning tanks and hit the lunch room. Ajay offered me one of the peppers and all the guys started to giggle. "Really? I can have one?" Sure enough, so I took one, popped it in my mouth, and chewed. It was heavenly! The hot pepper came to life on my tongue and caused my whole body to experience a quick flush. Not only were these things hot, but they had flavor. "Ajay, these are fantastic!" Later he asked if I wanted more. I certainly did. So he gave me the rest of them! He had a whole jar of them at home.

Now Ajay and I make jokes about how the other guys can't handle REAL peppers.

Mmm, I think I'm going to go have a few right now.

Upbeat

I've recently read through a lot of articles in which people tell you what is wrong with the way things are and sometimes tell you what they think should be done to fix things. Such an exercise could make a person very distressed. It used to get me all worked up. "No, no. You've got it all wrong!" Not tonight.

Oh, I still disagreed with almost all of them. Regardless, I found a common thread that gives me hope. These people not only realized that the current system is failing and will ultimately fail out-right, but that the solutions they postulate, while seeming like good ideas right now, will also ultimately fail and be replaced by something better. In theory (mine) this will go on until there is nothing left to try.

All this makes me happy. There is no end-all-be-all. There is no answer, no solution, only options. It's a mind-set I would like to see more people try, even if it is doomed to eventually fail.

The Posers

Confession: I like Marilyn Manson. I also love his wife, Dita von Teese. These two are the absolute cutest couple in the world right now. Probably because they are both total posers who gave up on being anything but the posers they are. As a total poser, I like that.

Disbelief

I had shut off the grinder head, but it was still in spin as I lifted it to check the condition of the wheel. I brought my hand close to the wheel, waiting for it to stop but already seeing signs of it breaking apart irregularly. Then something came off of the wheel and sent a flash of searing pain through the little finger of my right hand. It only hurt for an instant. I withdrew my hand and saw a tiny piece of metal sticking out of my finger. I get slivers all the time at work. In fact I was glad to see a piece sticking out well enough for me to easily remove the sliver. As I pulled it out, my amazement grew. I removed a two and a half inch sliver of metal from my finger. Hardly any blood. I doused the hole in isopropyl alcohol and went back about my business. Of course my finger is now very bruised, a little swollen, and hurts when use it.

Bad Taste: An AWPC

During lunch in the break room...

Machinist: In Fiji they used to be cannibals. The first time they saw a white man they hunted him down and cooked him. They had never seen shoes before so they cooked his shoes as well. Then the Indians arrived, civilized them, and taught them how to grow sugar cane.

Me: Because sugar is SO much better for you than people.

Correcting Myself

A fresh day and a fresh new way of looking at things.

I was staring at the pictures of the new concept Camaro. So many things seemed decent, but not quite right. That's when I realized that Chevrolet has given the world exactly the kind of muscle car it needs. The Dodge Challenger concept car is a piece of art in and of itself. The new Ford Mustangs are a genuine consumer level toy, an affordable novelty.

The new Camaro is the starting ground. Every time I look at it all I can think is how to alter the hood, change the grill, add a blower, maybe some upswept side pipes, and add an aggressive paint job. This is a car that demands to be modified. It's like the Dyna Super Glide by Harley-Davidson. As a stock bike, it ain't much. It's allure is as a base for building your own dream. I think this new Camaro fills that same role in the modern muscle car world for those of us who see transportation as an art form.

Following Suit

It seems GM had finally decided to follow Ford and Dodge by building a Camaro that looks like a modern adaptation of it's original incarnation.



Too little too late? At least my mom will have something to replace her current Camaro when the time comes and Chevy can always be counted on to deliver the power under the hood.

Crabs

Once a year at work the company has a big crab feed. It's one of the few perks they haven't scratched in their expansion and quest for larger profit margins. Each employee is given a full crab to either eat or freeze and take home. They also feed us fried chicken, garlic bread, salad, and cake.

Of course that also means that once a year they entire plant is inundated with jokes about getting crabs, sharing crabs, keep your crabs off of me, eating out crabs, and any other disgusting crab based humor that comes to mind. It's good to know we've all matured since junior high. It's also nice that the company sponsors this event with full knowledge of what will inevitably occur.

Today's Crab Feed AWPC:

Female Supervisor: You're being so delicate with your crabs. To really enjoy it you gotta dive in and get the crab juices all over your face.

Male Operator: Suddenly I've lost my appetite.

Maint. Guy: You get some bad visuals?

Male Operator: To say any more would just dig me in deeper. DON'T EVEN GO THERE!

A Sight to Behold

I wish I would have had a camera at work today. This was simply amazing. One of the punch presses folded a die like a taco. How amazing is this? The die consists of over two inches thickness of carbide and D2 hardened steel. This is some of the hardest steel available. If you asked someone to devise a method for intentionally cold folding it, they would either get a glazed and dazed look on their face or laugh outright. Replacing the die is about three months worth of work, tens of thousands of dollars in time and materials. One of our fine German engineered presses somehow managed to fold this thing. Much to the chagrin of the die shop, everyone in the plant had to come by their bench to check it out.

As for an AWPC for the day...

Maint. Guy: That's a fine crack you're showing there, Jake.

Me (without missing a beat and without changing my position or even looking up from the task at hand): That's my credentials as a trained professional.

Maint. Guy: Damn. I gotta get me one of them.

And I bet everyone's glad I didn't have a camera around for that.