Vasectomy

Here is the run down on my procedure.

I might be the only guy on the planet who thought my vasectomy was FUN! Before the procedure I was talkin' with the doc and telling him how excited I was. So he offered to get me a mirror with a long handle so I could watch. That was so cool. He also asked if a student in residency could observe. I was happy to oblige.

While laying back on the operating slab, legs up in stirrups like women have to do for the OB/GYN, he started with an injection of local anesthetic on both sides of my pelvis at about the level of the top of my penis and midway between that and my thighs. While this settled in he gave me a shave and a hair cut followed by an iodine wash. Typical surgery prep stuff. Then he taped my penis to my belly so it wouldn't get in the way.

We started with my right testicle. Here he injected a VERY local anesthetic directly at the right vas deferens. He made certain it was the right one by tugging on it and asking if I felt it on my right side. This is of course after the first shot of anesthetic so I don't scream out in agony, "YES!" Instead it felt like a gentle little tug, no pain at all. With the vas deferens located, he made a puncture in the center of my scrotum using a tool that was similar to a forceps but had a very sharp tip and no locking mechanism on the handle. With his hand still holding the vas, he reached in and got hold of it with the tool. Pulling the vas out through the puncture, he clamped onto it with another tool that DID have a locking mechanism on the handle. Now he began to strip away layers of blood vessels surrounding the vas. Each time he would strip a layer off he made certain to have the vas secure before removing the clamp and reclamping. You don't want a slip up have to start all over. After three or four levels were stripped away, he had nothing but the vas deferens.

This was quite possibly the coolest part. He used a device that cut through the vas deferens via an arc of electricity. When I called it a miniature arc welder he said, "Yeah, only I don't have to wear the helmet." He cut off a section of the vas deferens about 1-2 cm long. With the vas snipped and sealed by the arc tool, he could now release that but kept hold of the system of blood vessels that had surrounded it. With the two ends of my now severed tube retreated up the network, he did a clover leaf stitch through the network of blood vessels and between the severed ends. He drew this up like a draw string on a bag to provide some additional blockage. This was in case my body put up a fight and tried to reconnect the damn things. He released the tension, still holding onto the thread, to see if I there was any bleeding. After a minute, seeing no bleeding, he snipped the extra thread and fed the works back in through the puncture hole.

The left side went pretty much the same way. There was the injection of the local anesthetic and the tugging to make sure we were getting the left one and not double cutting the right. The left vas deferens was brought out through the same puncture hole that the right one had been pulled through in the center of the scrotum. As he again worked down the outer network I was informed that the left side almost always had more blood vessels than the right. I couldn't watch as closely on this one. The resident was observing from my left and I didn't want the mirror to get in the way of his view. Observing with the mirror on my right side meant that the doctor's hand was sometimes blocking my view. As he finished up with the draw string stitch and let it slack for a bit, there was a bit of bleeding. He stitched a figure eight around the trouble area and let it go slack again. All was fine this time. He snipped the extra thread and stuffed me back inside.

"Hopefully you tell me that this is the most painful part." The doctor then quickly removed the tape that had help my penis to my belly. Yeah, that's the worst part. He cleaned up the area, placed a tiny piece of surgical tape over the puncture spot, and placed a piece of gauze between my penis and scrotum. No tape on that, just gravity keeping it pressed between my penis and scrotum.

The doctor who gave me my initial consultation had forgotten to tell me one thing in preparation for the vasectomy. Wear tight underwear! If you need to, buy a pair or two for the day of and the day after. This was really the only thing that didn't go right for me. The doctor offered to let me take home the two pieces he cut out. I considered it for two seconds and replied, "No thanks."

Recovery has been pretty easy. The day of I spent reclined in an easy chair watching TV. Watching television is far more painful than getting a vasectomy. Most guys will spend the rest of the day sitting on an ice pack or (a favorite from what I hear) a bag of frozen peas. I didn't feel the need to ice so I didn't. As the doc said, "Listen to your nuts." Standing for more than a couple of minutes was a bit uncomfortable as the blood would flow to that area. I had two Vicadin before going to bed that night. I will admit that it felt as though someone had kicked me in the balls. Luckily I was numbed for the actual kicking. As a side effect, I seemed to have the endorphin giggles most of the night.

Day two I woke up and felt a hell of a lot better already. I could walk normally when I woke up and went downstairs to the bathroom. The day was spent between periods of sitting upright and reclining in the chair. Standing for brief periods didn't bother me at all. Ten or more minutes on my feet and the boys would start complaining, but nothing like the previous night. Early in the day I had 2 Vicadin and then in the evening I took 2 more with a couple glasses of red wine.

As I write this I am on the evening of day three. I went out and ran a few errands today. Stood around the kitchen to do dishes. I've done a couple loads of laundry which involves me going down a flight of stairs with a basket full of clothes. Nothing major. There have been some minor moments when I "listened to my nuts" and sat down for a few minutes. A few minutes ago I popped 3 Vicadin with my Guinness. I think doctors really need to take into effect the size and constitution of an individual when writing prescriptions. I can just barely feel the 3 pills working on me.

Tomorrow I return to work. I might have to sit down now and again. Luckily I am on maintenance now, which will make this easier than if I was still operating a machine. I can always pull a bucket up to the machine and have a sit while tinkering with the bits. Not those bits, the bits on the machines!

In four to six weeks I will drop off a sperm sample at the clinic so they can see if there are any survivors. I already have the jar. Seems a lot of guys can't handle the pressure of masturbating in a clinic bathroom. Given all the nurse porn out there I would have figured guys would jump at the chance to jack-off in a hospital. Nothing stopping me though. I mean, I just want them to have the freshest possible sample. Anyway, the doctor said that sperm can show up between two weeks and three months depending on level of sexual activity, "Cleaning the pipes, so to speak." Knowing me, these pipes will be clean in a few days.

And that is the story of my vasectomy. A couple days of discomfort is a small price to pay for a lifetime of sterility. Thanks Doc!