Friday, November 30, 2007

Holiday Merchandising

This year for the holidays I'm not asking anyone to get me anything. Instead I ask that you get something for yourself. I want you to order up some Vote Jake! Anarcho-American gear. Then I want you to wear it out in public to increase Jake awareness. People will ask you, as they do me, "What's with that weird 'A' thing?" That is your opportunity to tell them about your jerk friend (who was too cheap to give you promo materials) who is running a write-in campaign for President. While shirts, hoodies, and canvas high tops are all really cool, I'd appreciate just a simple button that you can attach to your jacket, cap, bag, or nipples.

And send me pictures of you wearing my stuff. That would be really awesome.

Or if some gals would rather save their money and just send me pictures of "Vote Jake!" written on their breasts, I would appreciate that kind of support too. And if guys want to tattoo it on their penis and take a picture of it, I'll pass the photos on to some campaign insiders who might appreciate that.

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Thursday, November 29, 2007

Sex and Money!

Here's an issue the other candidates won't touch with a pole of any length. Prostitution. In the well known words of George Carlin...
Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal?
We're talking about the world's oldest profession. It predates human kind. Many animals will give gifts to the opposite gender in exchange for sex. That is prostitution. In modern times there are women, married women, who will deny their husbands sex until they get their bathroom painted or the lawn mowed. That is prostitution. But in a new and interesting twist, I give you whoring for charity!
A Chilean prostitute has auctioned 27 hours of sex to raise money for the country's largest charity during an annual fund-raising campaign.

Maria Carolina became an overnight celebrity in the conservative Roman Catholic country, making news headlines and appearing on talk shows since she made her unusual donation to the televised charity event, which runs for 27 hours starting on Friday evening.
This is a fantastic idea. I wish I could incorporate this into my campaign fund raising. If this were a legal way to raise campaign funds, I bet Mary Carey(NSFW) would have had a shot at beating Arnold Schwarzenegger. I say let's legalize all forms of prostitution including as a campaign fund raising technique. That way the people can choose between corporate whores and public whores. And I'm sure I would be a stand-out candidate for President.

And in case you think this is an issue that panders to a male demographic, think again. It turns out that older white women shop for sex in Kenya.
They are on their first holiday to Kenya, a country they say is "just full of big young boys who like us older girls."

Hard figures are difficult to come by, but local people on the coast estimate that as many as one in five single women visiting from rich countries are in search of sex.
That's right. Yet again we are losing an important source of potential domestic revenue to outsourcing. Let's put the puritanical bullshit aside, let people engage in consensual activities for money, and show rich, older, white women that there is good reason to buy American!

Support your local sex economy and support Jake!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Celebrity Endorsements

NPR : Clinton Gets Star Power from Ex-President. How does a relatively new Senator get a celebrity Ex-President to stump for her? Maybe she slept with him.
Former President Bill Clinton is spending more time on the road by himself plugging Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, the senator from New York. His campaign celebrity is being matched by Oprah Winfrey for Sen. Barack Obama, the Illinois Democrat challenging Clinton, and actor Chuck Norris for Republican presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee.
Chuck Norris? Really? The same Chuck Norris who is most famous for kicking people's asses? Wait, I don't think people know him for anything but his martial arts skills. And Jackie Chan could kick his ass any day of the week. And Jet Li could take on Jackie Chan and Chuck Norris at the same time without breaking a sweat. Oprah would be judging and Bill commenting, because they're both smart enough to stay out of a fight involving Jet Li, Jackie Chan and Chuck Norris.

I need to get me one of them celebrity endorser thingys.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Compulsive Voting

Australians vote to choose leader. Sounds good. I think Americans fought a war to choose their leader, but that was over 200 years ago. Now that we've been choosing our leaders for over two and a quarter centuries many Americans have discovered that it isn't much better than having one forced upon you. So they dropped out of the process.
Participating in elections is compulsory under Australian law.
And I've heard it said that the USA should do likewise. At one time in my life I even argued in favor of such a scheme. Now I am neither for it nor against it. Just like the most recent election in state of residence. We had two ballot measures, I read them over, and decided that I was really neither for nor against either one. In fact one of them was going to suck balls either way! It was either more of the same suckage or a change to a new kind of suckage.

That is why I neither condemn nor support compulsory voting. If not voting could make a difference it would be outlawed. If voting could make a difference it would be outlawed. Under compulsory voting I fear things might actually get worse! After all, there were states where in 2004 there was no need to rig the election in Bush's favor. There was an actual majority of voters who looked at the ballot and said, "The last four years were so fucking awesome I want four more years of that!" Thank you sir, can I have another! Under the current structure I can at least delude myself into thinking that the clear majority didn't want to vote for either of those clowns. Under compulsory voting I would have to accept that the vast majority are actually just lazy and ignorant.

Since I'm digging myself a bit of a hole here, I'd just like to remind the lazy and ignorant majority to vote Jake! I know that means you have to remember how to spell my name because I won't be listed as one of those little check-off boxes. So just remember to write in... never mind. Go ahead and choose whether you want to be ass fisted with the right hand or the left. Or stay at home and let someone else decide how you'll get raped.

Want to see me get excited about voting again? Add a "none of the above" selection. Until then keep Fisting the American Dream and Vote Jake! (Aren't I just Mr. Sunshine?)

No Donut for This Cop

Man Tased For Asking Officer Why He Was Stopped



I don't know why everybody seems to hate cops.
Lying face down on the ground a shell shocked, Mr Massey says 'officer I don't know what you are doing, I don't know why you are doing what you are doing' to which the officer replies 'I am placing you under arrest because you did not obey my instruction.'
Somebody has been watching too much South Park. Yes sir. No sir. You are correct sir. May I suck your cock sir? Perhaps you would like to have your way with my wife sir. I will do whatever you say sir, even when I have not broken the law.
This amazing video reveals how eroded civil and constitutional rights have now become. The officer had no legal right to make Massey sign any document he did not understand.
Or does it show exactly how dumb some cops actually are? When they beat the shit out of Rodney King it was a citizen who taped it. This dumb fucker filmed himself!
Tasers are supposed to be the last response before lethal action, however, police now use them as if they are batons or pepper spray.
Damn, that makes me feel so much better. I'd much rather get beaten with a baton and pepper sprayed when I disagree with a cop over what speed I was actually going. When I feel 50,000 volts pulse through my body I want absolute certainty that the next thing I say will result in it never being able to be used against me in a court of law so why bother with having my rights read to me.

Cops are little more than state sponsored thug gangs. I don't know if they were always that way. Yes, there are some good cops out there. There are also some damn fine Hells Angels, Latin Kings, Christians and Muslims out there. Your organization is only as respectable as the least among you. You are only as good as the company you keep. If the victim's wife had emerged from the truck with a gun and shot the cop in the back of the head it would have been totally defensible and within her rights (in my opinion). Everyone would have plainly seen on video that she was protecting her family from a deranged, power-mad lunatic with a lethal weapon.

And I still can't get past the fact that he was dumb enough to do all that in front of his own camera. Further proof that I completely over-estimate average intelligence. God I hope I don't win the election and find myself as the leader of a nation full of people like that. Lucky for me elections are rigged so I can't win.

Vote Jake Anyway!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Migration

After looking around I have decided to move my campaign gear shop from CafePress over to SpreadShirt for a greater range of apparel and design options. It won't happen immediately, but most likely soon. That doesn't mean the CafePress shop will close, but it might. So just in case you wanted one of those really cool Anarcho-American shirts in military green (just like Jake wears) or an Anarcho-American button (just like Jake has) then you should go order it up now.

Morning Constitutional

On my drive home from work this morning I hatched a plan to rant about the First Amendment. Back in my teen years my peer group had a lot of hippie envy. At least a certain number portrayed a certain level of nostalgia for the mystique surrounding the Summer of Love and the few years surrounding it. Some would even go so far as to actually wish for another Vietnam so they could protest just like the hippies did.

Congratulations! You got your wish, didn't you? And did you rush out and protest? I hope so. And what you probably found there was a Free Speech Zone. Not exactly what your hippie dreams had imagined things being like. But a vote for Jake will make it right for you. It will be an even First Amendment trade. We'll do away with Free Speech Zones and replace them with Free Press Zones. That's right, we'll protect the reporters from the public by erecting a fence around them far away from any news that might be happening. That way the fair and balanced approach might actually make sense.

But I got a constitutional surprise when I read news stating
Supreme Court to rule on right to keep handguns at home. So now you get a Second Amendment rant as well. It seems...
The Supreme Court set the stage Tuesday for a historic ruling on whether the fiercely debated 2nd Amendment protects the rights of Americans to keep handguns at home.
Can you believe we are even having this conversation? But there is a very legitimate problem at the heart of this issue. To interpret the actual meaning of the Second Amendment would require a fully functional understanding of legal English as used in the 18th century. Even then people disagreed on what it actually meant. For while the originator may have had one idea, it was amended and changed and debated to reflect the ideas of a number of people who may not have agreed at all.

But to me when something says I have the right to keep and bear arms I tend to think it means I have the right to keep and bear arms. Not only can I keep a handgun in my house, I can shoot things with it in my house. And shooting handguns inside the house can be a hell of a lot of fun. I could never deny someone that experience. Hell, play William Tell if you want. Go nuts.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Making Things Right

For anyone who I may have recently offended, here is something to make you feel better.

For those who I have not yet offended, this might just do the trick.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Right to Strike

For some reason the writers strike is making a lot of people get all huffy and puffy in this direction and that. What is a Presidential candidate to do to avoid controversy and maintain his support base?

Screw avoiding controversy! I support all striking workers. Every last one of them. And so should you. Strikes happen when the members of the union decide they don't like the way things are and they want to see a change. So they unite and agree that while it sucks to make no money at all, that is exactly what they will voluntarily do until things change. It is a democratic process that represents the will of the majority. I figured most Americans would automatically be in support of such a thing.

And it always seems to end up being about the money. I want more money. You want more money. Everyone I know wouldn't mind having some more money. Even Bill Gates hasn't given up on the idea of having more money and continues to charge for his company's products. So when people say they want more money you should stand up, raise your fist in the air and say, "Hell yeah, brother! I want more money, too."

I think it would be a grand idea if everybody in all occupations across the globe from mercenaries to fishermen to iron workers to chefs to CEO's to politicians to the guy who has to mop out the booths at the porn shop, everybody go on strike now! Permanent Universal Strike! I endorse PUS! And so should everyone who is Still Fisting the American Dream.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

A Pirate Economy

In order to better understand the traditional pirates with all of their yargh's and avasts and peg legs and hooks and rum, we need to understand the environment that created them. Or at least half assed guess at it because I want to construct a model that is accurate to the way I view things and facts might get in the way. It's the presidential way of assembling information.

The pirates that most people think of with all of their salty language and swashbuckling ways were a direct result of the East India Trading Company and their 21 year monopoly on trade in many parts of the world. This control of the world's richest sea routes by one company lead to the expansion of slave labor and conscription.

When individuals are forced to work against their wills, they can get a little pissy about it. While every ship in the fleet was essentially controlled by the world's first publicly traded multi-national corporation (we're talking about the East India Company in case you forgot), each ship operated as a microcosm independent of the supporting host. The sailors knew each other and could form trusting relationships with each other. In their world, the captain of the ship may as well have been the King of England. The captain was the final say on all matters. And if the sailors got fed up with their appointed leader, they could easily band together and mutiny.

So after hauling sugar and coffee and tea and toys coated with lead paint across the globe under the rule of a representative of a ruthless multi-national, what are you going to do for a job? You can't go into private practice. Your old boss has an exclusive contract and, well, you kind of killed the supervisor and stole the ship. It doesn't look too good on a resume. So privateering in illegal goods is a pretty good option. So you set about trading in all those things that other people in legitimate business don't want to touch. But the boss is kind of pissed about the whole losing the ship thing. He could give a flying fuck about the captain. But ships cost money! So they try to get it back. Forcibly. As privateers you can either run or fight. Since you fight dirty, you figure your odds are pretty good. You kick over the pursuing vessel and shiver your timbers! The thing is filled with valuable stuff. You can take this shit for yourself. Maybe even sell some of it. In the grand scheme of things it kind of feels like payback for their years of treating you poorly and never giving you a raise on your annual review dates. And the hours sucked! And they wouldn't let you drink! And they didn't allow you to bring the prostitute on board even though all the guys had chipped in to book her for the entire voyage and had all agreed to share her nicely! Well screw them! I think they owe us a bit more than this, right lads?

So that was pirating. And I think the resurgence in piracy, especially media piracy, has similar roots for a lot of people. I wouldn't say a majority. I'm fairly certain that the majority don't even really think about it. But there are those who do. They see a company charging too much and the people working at the top of it having better stuff than they do. Many have even worked within those old industries and revolted. We have a pirate resurgence as a result of giant multi-national corporations seizing monopoly like controls. People have the tools with which they can steel and share with other pirates. What they do is not legal, but the way the companies they steal from operate shouldn't be legal. Many of these big companies are exploitive and use their power to squeeze out competition.

So I support pirates and will grant all pirates complete amnesty to operate within the borders of this country. As long as they share the rum.

chart credit info: Campbell, et al. Media and Culture

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

UFO's and Politics

So I just realized that while I previously posted UFO's and Politics Again I never actually posted a link to the original story that prompted the 'Again' portion on the other one. So here is the Slate Magazine article.
Bill Richardson's a believer. So is Dennis Kucinich. Even Rudy Giuliani is willing to admit that extraterrestrials might be out there. The 2008 presidential race is starting to look like an Alf convention. Last week, Kucinich's alien beliefs were outed by his good friend Shirley MacLaine. Her new book details Kucinich's run-in with a UFO on her porch: 'It hovered, soundless, for 10 minutes or so, and sped away with a speed he couldn't comprehend. He said he felt a connection in his heart and heard directions in his mind.' One can only guess what those directions may have said.

Americans Announce They're Dropping Out Of Presidential Race

From The Onion - America's Finest News Source:
'We gave it our best shot, and for a while it seemed like the American people actually had a chance of coming out on top,' Weare, NH resident Mark Simmons said at a press conference in front of his suburban home. 'Unfortunately, as much as we'd like to remain optimistic, it's become clear that this just isn't our year.'
But they aren't the only ones talking about this. What does the New York Times in an article titled 'Why Vote?' have to say?
Because voting exacts a cost - in time, effort, lost productivity - with no discernible payoff except perhaps some vague sense of having done your "civic duty." As the economist Patricia Funk wrote in a recent paper, "A rational individual should abstain from voting."

The odds that your vote will actually affect the outcome of a given election are very, very, very slim. This was documented by the economists Casey Mulligan and Charles Hunter, who analyzed more than 56,000 Congressional and state-legislative elections since 1898. For all the attention paid in the media to close elections, it turns out that they are exceedingly rare. The median margin of victory in the Congressional elections was 22 percent; in the state-legislature elections, it was 25 percent. Even in the closest elections, it is almost never the case that a single vote is pivotal. Of the more than 40,000 elections for state legislator that Mulligan and Hunter analyzed, comprising nearly 1 billion votes, only 7 elections were decided by a single vote, with 2 others tied. Of the more than 16,000 Congressional elections, in which many more people vote, only one election in the past 100 years - a 1910 race in Buffalo - was decided by a single vote.

But there is a more important point: the closer an election is, the more likely that its outcome will be taken out of the voters' hands - most vividly exemplified, of course, by the 2000 presidential race. It is true that the outcome of that election came down to a handful of voters; but their names were Kennedy, O'Connor, Rehnquist, Scalia and Thomas. And it was only the votes they cast while wearing their robes that mattered, not the ones they may have cast in their home precincts.
The Onion got it closer.

And have you ever noticed how there always seems to be this push to get young people to vote? Or was that Phillip Morris trying to get young people to smoke? Or was that Budweiser trying to get young people to drink? I can't seem to keep it all straight.

Monday, November 12, 2007

UFO's and Politics Again

For some reason the topic of UFO's, especially in regard to politics, is resurfacing this year. And now former pilots and officials call for new U.S. UFO probe.
Democratic U.S. presidential hopeful Dennis Kucinich may have been ridiculed for saying he had seen a UFO, but for some former military pilots and other observers, unidentified flying objects are no laughing matter. An international panel of two dozen former pilots and government officials called on the U.S. government on Monday to reopen its generation-old UFO investigation as a matter of safety and security given continuing reports about flying discs, glowing spheres and other strange sightings.

Former presidents Ronald Reagan and Jimmy Carter are both reported to have claimed UFO sightings.
And I've seen one. After a while you learn not to talk about it all that much. You just get sick of answering all the questions from people who weren't there and couldn't possibly understand. So you just live with it, get on with your life, and run for President.
"It's a question of who you going to believe: your lying eyes or the government?" remarked John Callahan, a former Federal Aviation Administration investigator, who said the CIA in 1987 tried to hush up the sighting of a huge lighted ball four times the size of a jumbo jet in Alaska.

"It would certainly, I think, take a lot of angst out of this issue," said former Arizona Gov. Fife Symington, who said he was among hundreds who saw a delta-shaped craft with enormous lights silently traverse the sky near Phoenix in 1997.
Sounds like what I saw.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

AWPC: I Pledge!

For some reason this nearly retired long time conservative still considers me one of the few sane ones at work. Right after ranting about how fast the current administration is destroying our country he launches into this...
Him: Speaking of loser politicians, all the Democrats running for President were at some event and they play the national anthem. There's our boy Obama standing with his hands in his pockets. And this guy wants to be President? If you're running for President you should have a little respect for the country you want to lead.

Me: Actually, I'm running for President with a pledge to tear the whole damn thing down.
I may not be much for singing the national anthem, but I have a mix tape in my truck with a celebrity saying the pledge on it. Every time I listen I say it right along with him.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Clockwork Orangutan

No matter how much I am enjoying having an extra hour on this lovely day, I still think Daylight Saving Time is stupid.
Adding daylight to afternoons generally benefits shopping, sports, and other activities that exploit sunlight after working hours, but it can cause problems for farmers and others whose hours depend on the sun. Extra afternoon daylight appears to cut traffic fatalities; its effect on health and crime is less clear. An early goal was to reduce evening usage of incandescent lighting, formerly a primary use of electricity; nowadays, though, DST sometimes increases overall electricity costs and peak demand.
A vote for Jake is a vote for abolishing this stupid ritual.

Breaking News!

US Calls for Quick Return to Constitutional Rule in Pakistan

In other news, US has decided it is way too late for quick return to constitutional rule in the US. Some maintain hope for an eventual return while some drink beer and horde ammunition and still others just up the medication.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Very Serious

Colbert’s Presidential Bid Ends After a ‘No’ in South Carolina. Appears the Democratic Party didn't want him in their primary.
Supporters of Mr. Colbert’s candidacy have said it cast an amusing and revealing eye on the hype and folly of presidential politics and could have brought younger voters into the process.

But it also drew critics, who said it was a self-promotional distraction that was draining news media time and attention away from a serious campaign.
Serious campaign? Who? Where?

Thursday, November 01, 2007

NaNoWriMo

Kicking off another year of NaNoWriMo. Any documentation of this effort will happen over at Repeated Expletives. If you want to read the result of my 2005 endeavor, you can download the e-book or purchase a paperback over at Lulu.com. My 2006 effort, while a very interesting journey, was far too random for publishing. I didn't want to subject even my friends to that.

So what's in store this year? Sequel!
No sense, no sanity. No rules or propriety. Can you dig that with a spade or a shovel? Then you might just get underground. There are good folks and lawful folks and never the two shall meet. There are bad folks and awful folks but only one can ride with me. This isn’t poetry, damn it! This is life. This is morning. This is when the rooster crows but that’s happening on the other side of the mountain. All the concrete and stucco and aluminum siding in the world can’t reflect the sound inwards to your little hole in the world. But you wake up. Sooner or later you have to wake up. The trick is to not go back to bed.

The road calls to you. The interstate is for everyone. The back alley can get you there. Do you dare? Do you care? Wrap yourself in leather and wrap your mind in tomorrow. This one is going to get bumpy.