Predicting the Future

People seem to be having a hard time choosing between Democratic Candidates in Iowa.

Nearly 11 months before the presidential election, differences like this are not meaningful, even before you throw in the poll's 3 percent margin of error. So many things can change -- both in terms of the images of the candidates and the problems facing the nation -- that all crystal balls should come with the kinds of warning labels emblazoned on cigarette packs.

Having grown up within (what I like to call) pissing distance of Iowa, this caucus seems like a no brainer. Remember how journalists thought Dean had a chance? I know the upper midwest. These people talk one way to journalists and pollsters because they don't want to appear awkward and backwards. Truth be told, the vast majority of Iowans I have met are closeted bigots and racists who are not trend setters. The front runners are clearly Clinton and Obama. These are the only two worth any attention. And if I know anything about Iowa, Clinton will trounce Obama because it is far better to give your support to a woman (add redneck Iowa farmer gag sound here) than to a black.

Iowa liberals are some of the most conservative Democrats you'll ever meet. Granted, the ones active in the party are not, but the majority of Iowa yellow-dog Democrats are just liberal enough to admit that the KKK is a bad thing, unions are a good thing, and Republicans fuck over farmers. To them, Clinton is man enough for the job. That is better than they would say about Obama in private.

Don't believe me? Fine. In 2006 I predicted the outcome of over 90% of the elections just by looking at photos of candidates. Block out all data about the possible candidates, look at the accompanying photo, and choose the winner. Hillary by a landslide in Iowa.

Lakota will never forget Wounded Knee

It seems a lot of people aren't really understanding this issue or my take on it. For those wondering why the Lakota will never forget Wounded Knee, a history reminder.

To the non-Indians of South Dakota and the rest of America, Dec. 29, 1990, was another day. But to the Lakota people, it was a day they commemorated every year since 1890. It was a day when nearly 300 of their relatives were shot to death in cold blood by the enlisted men and officers of the Seventh Cavalry. Ironically, 21 members of the Seventh Cavalry were awarded Medals of Honor for this horrific slaughter of women and children.

Ah, but those were different times requiring different measures, were they not?

In early December of 1990, as the 100th anniversary of the massacre at Wounded Knee approached, I wrote the cover story for USA Today. I quoted an editorial that appeared in the Aberdeen Saturday Review on Jan. 3, 1891, just five days after the massacre.

The author wrote about those terrible “Redskins,” his favorite word for Indians. He wrote, “The Pioneer has before declared that our only safety depends upon the total extermination of the Indians. Having wronged them for centuries we had better, in order to protect our civilization, follow it up by one or more wrong and wipe these untamed and untamable creatures from the face of the earth.”

That editorial calling for the genocide of the Lakota people was written by L. Frank Baum, the man who would later write, “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.”

Similar terms to 'untamable' have been used for Native Americans since the Europeans first came over here. In some of the earliest communications sent back to the homeland in regards to the matter it was often noted that Indians make poor slaves since they seem to have an indomitable spirit.

I reiterate, we gave the Jews back their ancestral homeland after Hitler's Germany tried to wipe them out. We don't even have to give back the Lakota's lands, just cease insisting it doesn't belong to them. And I say we throw in Northern Minnesota for good measure. A nation really needs a sea port, even if it is an inland sea port like Duluth.

Why do I support a Lakota Nation? Total selfishness. This is one of those clear cases where government in conjunction with the media will try really damned hard to craft a reality in which everyone will ignore the situation and it will just go away. I want to see a different kind of reality created that is a thorn in the side of the descendants of the liars and crooks who can't seem to keep treaties they sign regarding environmental issues, prisoners of war, torture or relations with aboriginal peoples. I like to see habitual liars and crooks get screwed.

It is also in the best interests of the preservation of Native American culture, even if it is only a small slice of it. As we move forward and get our butts off of this giant rock and out into space (which we as a people will do, damn it), Earth will be best used as a living museum (in my opinion). It can be like those living history places that are only interesting to a handful of visitors and to almost all of the people working there. In that same vein I would like to see Europe eventually split into the World War recreation area and the rest can be a giant Ren Fest.

Recognize the right of the Lakota to self determination. Accept your own right to self determination.

Change Is Different!

Which is the more troubling trend in America?

1. The people who say they want things to change but go about instigating this change in the same old boring ways they always have.
2. The people who say they don't want things to change but will hop on board with any lunatic that says they have a new idea.

These two groups are made up of the same damn people! We've got a country full of racist rednecks who insist on funding Chinese Communism by shopping almost exclusively at Wal-Mart. These closet Fascists love filling up gas guzzling vehicles because they feel guilty about hating the Arabs and Latinos we get our oil from. A bunch of pro-American, flag waving, blindly patriotic fools who give almost all of their money to giant corporations that fuck them over and outsource their jobs. They love the abuse. And they yell and scream about how there aught to be a law against them being able to do such things to themselves so that they can be abused further when they break the law. They watch the cops on television entrapping people, illegally entering their homes, and giving them the smack down with little or no reason and get all teary eyed thinking, "That could be me." The nation suffers from codependency and the American people love the abuse.

It's almost 2008, and I want people to vow to make a change. Make it part of your new year's resolutions to shake things up a bit. Tired of things either not changing enough or changing too much? Probably both. Then vow to change that. I want every American to stand up and say, "I'm sitting down right here until I get what I want!" Be assertive and demand to be abused into submission openly and fairly. If you are tired of the way things are then wake up to a new reality. Call in well to work and don't show up. We are Americans! We can buy everything we want and that includes civil liberties, just never take them out of their protective packaging or they'll lose their collector's value.

Because the joke is on the foreign markets. All that money we have been paying them to do our jobs and make us products is absolutely worthless. The wealth envisioned therein is a figment of a dream of a reality that never was.

Are you tired of candidates that make sense screwing you over? How can someone who makes sense represent a country that is so damn messed up? Vote your wildest desires and greatest fears. Let someone who doesn't make any sense screw you over. Vote Jake!

Fisting Button

Someone requested the Fisting design in a button. So here it is. Wasn't that easy?

I also added this little design.

Buttons and Speech

I am very ill prepared as a candidate. While walking around the Pike Market in Seattle someone approached my campaign manager about his pin. Since I was right behind him and also wearing the same button, he referred the man to me. The man loved the button and was also sporting several pro-union and anti-war buttons on his coat. I gave him my pin on the spot. We spoke for a while with him doing most of the talking. A short while after parting ways he came back to find me and we talked some more. These exchanges made me realize how poor of a job I am doing with my inter-personal public persona. Up until this point the only people who have asked me about the pin have been people I am already acquainted with.

I need more practice talking to total strangers about my campaign. I've got the information in my head. I just need to get used to not acting with my usual 'I'm just going about my business' demeanor and instead make the person want to run away from the flood of anarchist propaganda I start spouting. After all, any sane person should want to flee when a politician starts spouting rhetoric of any kind. It should be the natural reaction. When Ronald Reagan said, "The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help,'" he was a liar. The phrase is all too true, he just didn't mean a word of it. I mean it!

So I need to get the word out there. Government sucks. I'm running for President to shut it down. I'm also running for President so I can make cool campaign items that help people experience their own personal t-shirt nirvana. All Presidents are rat bastard liars. Irony is magnetic.

Help me become a total sell-out. Buy a button!



Anarco-American Button



Dominoe Effect

Welcome to the New Lakota Nation!

A few of my friends have posted about this and I want to mention it as well. According to articles I have seen from multiple sources (French, Australian, and domestic), the Lakota have withdrawn from the treaties of 1851 and 1868 to declare themselves independent of the United States of America.

"Today is a historic day and our forefathers speak through us. Our Forefathers made the treaties in good faith with the sacred Canupa and with the knowledge of the Great Spirit," shared Garry Rowland from Wounded Knee. "They never honored the treaties, that's the reason we are here today."

That is a strong statement. I admire such strength. When elected President of the United States of America I swear to honor their choice.

Property ownership in the five state area of Lakota now takes center stage. Parts of North and South Dakota, Nebraska, Wyoming and Montana have been illegally homesteaded for years despite knowledge of Lakota as predecessor sovereign [historic owner]. Lakota representatives say if the United States does not enter into immediate diplomatic negotiations, liens will be filed on real estate transactions in the five state region, clouding title over literally thousands of square miles of land and property.

When elected President I will honor this as well, returning the aforementioned property to the Lakota as it is rightfully theirs.

The new country would issue its own passports and driving licences, and living there would be tax-free - provided residents renounce their US citizenship, Mr Means said.

If not elected this sounds like a deal worth considering. It means I'd have to give up surfing and take up snow boarding instead. Though if their diplomatic missions go well I will still have access to several good surf spots.

The group also visited the Bolivian, Chilean, South African and Venezuelan embassies, and said they would continue on their diplomatic mission and take it overseas.

After World War II we gave the Jews their ancestral homeland back to them despite other people living there. This deal seems a lot more cut and dry. Best wishes and hopes for many years of peace and prosperity to our Lakota neighbors!

Seriously people. Get excited about this. Support it and celebrate it. Create a new reality.

Campaigning While Female

In an article from Salon Life the debate continues over the difficulties of being female and running for President in a nation where women are supposed to remain young and sexy and if they cannot, then men should dump them for chicks just out of high school.

Hillary Clinton is 60 years old. In an age of lifts and injections and implants, we are beginning to forget what 60 years old looks like in nature. But as the daughter of a very beautiful woman who turned 64 on Tuesday, I can tell you that without intervention, it involves wrinkles and grooves, valleys worn deep by years of laughing and talking and furrowing a brow and reading in bad light and yelling at children.

Sixty years on a man looks similar, and a cursory examination of former presidential candidates at critical, exhausting stretches of a race would turn up pallor, flappy necks and dry skin. In the weeks before Bill Clinton (one of our youngest candidates ever, and thus one of our least pruney) was elected, he lost his voice. It was regarded as a mark of how hard he'd been working, how many sleepless nights and stump speeches and greetings, how many germy hands he'd clasped. And we've all seen what years in the Oval Office do to a candidate: From Abraham Lincoln to Bill Clinton to George W, there is ample evidence that being president is not a job for anti-aging enthusiasts.

If democracy is all about people getting the leaders they deserve, then this election is Hillary's. If people are so concerned about a wrinkled woman being President, then they deserve a wrinkled female President. If I believed these things were decided by honest voting, I'd entertain the idea of voting for Clinton just to foist her on the people who say nay for all the wrong reasons.

But it would be a far better joke to foist me upon them instead.

Conspiracy Theory

There have always been conspiracy theories. Some are absurdly bizarre and far-fetched. Others are far too plausible. An interesting thing to note about conspiracy theories is that ones that turn out to be true often reveal the truth far too late in the game for anything meaningful to be made of it.

Take the whole 'Who shot JFK?' conspiracy as an example. It is extremely difficult to find someone who believes Lee Harvey Oswald was the lone gunman. But try to get a coherent and plausible explanation from each person who doesn't believe the Lone Gunman theory and you'll get several different stories. The majority of votes would probably go to the CIA orchestrating it. Take those theorists and ask them why. The group will be further divided. Was it because of Kennedy's foreign policy plans? Was he going to announce that aliens from another planet had made first contact? Was Hoover jealous of Kennedy and get the CIA in on it with promises? And even though there is more reliable and relevant information available on the subject now than there ever has been, the timing is such that most people just don't care anymore.

Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea, while working as co-editors of the Playboy Forum, would get loads of letters asking about nearly every conspiracy theory under the Sun. This is what lead to them writing the Illuminatus Trilogy. They started with the premise of what if every one of these conspiracy theories were true? Which of course they can't be. Of course. But it makes for a very interesting tale.

It is partly because of conspiracy theory that I continued to be an Anarchist long after I should have grown out of that phase. Taking a look at the last two Presidential elections, it seems painfully obvious that if there wasn't a predestined result, there was at the least a concerted effort to manipulate, orchestrate, and otherwise cheat at the game. They got away with it because those within the system and thus in a position to do something about what happened are either corrupt or arrogantly and idiotically ignorant to the true nature of the beast. As long as there are positions of power to be had, no matter how symbolic that power, there will be those who will do everything in their power to get it. That is one of the reasons I remain an Anarchist.

Every rule system can be exploited. I should know. One of my senior year hobbies was going through the student handbook and seeing how many rules I could break without ever getting in trouble. Some were far too easy to break and I did so openly, flaunting it in front of those who were in a position to supposedly do something about it. Others I broke openly as though those rules just didn't apply to me. They never applied those rules to me. Still others I broke with the help of friends who I could trust to keep the whole thing secret. Yes, there was a conspiracy! The worst thing that ever happened to me was getting a talking to about inappropriate dress. No other punishment came of me hacking away at nearly every rule they had.

There has been a deliberate and quite open conspiracy of politicians to do the same to the rule of law in this country. That is why laws are useless. They have proven that even constitutional 'guarantees' are useless. Yet I go about my life blissfully ignoring all of this. Why?

Because I have a theory. It's a theory that politics is a bit too much like advertising and celebrity right now. And the funny thing about advertising and celebrities is that if you ignore them, they fade away. And there are several others in on this theory. It's a bit of a conspiracy, really. And once this group of secret individuals reaches a critical mass, the government will cease to exist. Join the Conspiracy!

Back Scratching

Bush's phone immunity bill wins Senate vote.

Nearly 40 lawsuits have been filed accusing AT&T, Verizon and Sprint Nextel Corp. of violating U.S. privacy rights.

Backers of immunity, who include some Democrats as well many of Bush's fellow Republicans, contend companies should be thanked, not punished, for helping defend the United States.

Thank you. Thank you for helping to defend the United States. I had no idea you were such crusaders for freedom. Since you telecoms are so interested in the preservation of the American way, once elected I am opening up special positions in Afghanistan for the top 10% of every phone company that turned over private information to the federal government without making them get the necessary warrants. Consider it my way of saying, "Thank you!" and giving you yet another opportunity to 'defend the United States'.

And a very real thank you to the one super huge telephone company that declined participating in the warrant-less spying program, Qwest. You may still be a big evil corporation, but at least you're a big evil corporation with a conscious. Thank you Qwest.

NSA Alert!

This is a Second Amendment alert from the National Sword Association.

Your right to keep and bear arms, specifically your right to keep and bear swords (more commonly referred to as 'wielding'), is under attack. All NSA members should immediately write their representatives. If you are an anarchist, write to the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen. This is important as...

The government said Wednesday it would ban the sale of samurai swords because the weapons had been used in a number of serious, high-profile attacks.

As members of the NSA are no doubt aware, a sword is an important constitutional right. We should be getting swords into the hands of more people, not less, and giving them proper training. Imagine if on September 11th there had been just one man on each one of those flights with a sword who had been trained in its use*. Those terrorists with their puny box cutters wouldn't have stood a chance. He could have skewered all of them in one good charge. Maybe even a decapitation or two. All while not having to worry about the threat of sudden cabin decompression as the result of a bad gun shot. And the kids get a heck of a show, too. You know they all love that ninja and kung fu shit.

In 2000, Robert Ashman murdered a Liberal Democrat councilor at the offices of Cheltenham MP Nigel Jones, who was also seriously hurt in the attack.

A year earlier, Eden Strang seriously wounded 11 people when he went on the rampage with a samurai sword at a Roman Catholic Church near his home in Thornton Heath, south London.

So even though this is happening in Britain and not the United States of America, it is still important for all NSA members to write their representatives (or a suitable 80's Brit-pop band if as aforementioned) and let them know that this is a country with a constitution and our Bill of Rights prohibits such limitations. Remind them that this is America, damnit!

*This is presuming al Qaeda is a real entity, Bin Laden is not just a CIA agent, and there really were terrorists of Middle Eastern origin armed with box cutters on those flights. Which of course is the case. Of course. I mean maybe it would be different if everybody else in the world knew that the CIA was behind the Kennedy assassination while America remained in denial despite an accumulation of extremely damning evidence. But that isn't the case at all, either.

Stupid Headline

US marine guilty of Iraq killing.

No shit! Isn't that exactly what marines are supposed to do? Don't the armed forces actively recruit dim witted and impoverished thugs without a whole hell of a lot to live for and then train them and pay them to be killers? It's not rocket science. It's the reason soldiers can kick ass at warfare. It's also the reason it makes no sense to use them as a security force. Cops are trained to use deadly force as a last resort and they can still barely keep their fingers off the trigger. Marines kill. It's their job. Headline could just as well read, "Garbage man guilty of trash removal."

But here's what happened.

A US marine has been found guilty of killing an Iraqi soldier while they were on night-time patrol in Fallujah.

(Holmes) said he suspected that the Iraqi was signalling to insurgents with a lit cigarette and a mobile phone.

Soldiers aren't cops. Get them the hell out of Iraq now!

Somewhere, A Pig is Flying

Debunking the Myth of "Electability".

That's why, in the end, even if you're not for Hillary, what Bill Clinton says about choosing a nominee makes sense. 'This electability thing is a canard; it doesn't amount to a hill of beans,' Clinton told voters in Iowa. 'What you need to figure out is, who would be the best president.'

Check that out. I actually agree with Bill Clinton.

It's actually not an earth shattering revelation. I also agree with him that cigars taste better when moistened.

America's Addiction

Having grown up in Reagan's America with all of the 'Just Say No!' crap pummeling my eyes and ears (and if I had been able to read braille I'm sure the tactile senses would have received it as well) a node clicked on my way to work.

America is suffering from addiction. There are pushers everywhere telling you to say 'Yes!' They are on college campuses giving it away freely. They are in the ghettos hustling every which way they can. The pushers of this new addiction are so bold as to advertise in newspapers, on television, on radio, via direct mail, using billboards, and even on the internet. So called experts say it is a good thing, go ahead and try it, everyone needs a little to lead a healthy lifestyle. It's not all that different from the golden days of cocaine where people touted it as a cure for just about everything.

I'm talking about credit. I am not ashamed to admit that I am a recovering addict. The easiest way to quit this addiction is to never get hooked. It starts with something simple like a credit card or a car payment. Before you even realize what has happened you are hooked, addicted, looking for every penny you can scrounge up just to support the habit. Right now I feel like I'm on the methadone plan. Slowly weaning myself off of the hard stuff just so I can get on with my life. The mail keeps delivering credit card offers. Every car dealership is guaranteeing me that I will be approved for a loan on a new vehicle. Computer companies and book stores say I can save money on my next purchase if I just sign up for their credit card today! They offer you a taste that can lead to a lifetime of debt addiction.

Take it from a recovering junkie, it's not worth it. The one time that everyone is telling you to say yes is the time you should actually be saying no. And at one point in my life I did hit what I consider rock bottom. I had creditors calling me, late bills piling up, and no way to pay for that one more fix that might get me through until the next billing cycle. So I quit. But it isn't easy to quit. I'll be going through withdrawal symptoms for some time. And I guarantee you that if I had never started, if I had never enhanced my lifestyle using credit, I'd feel far better about myself today.

Have you ever seen what credit does to people? What it can do to a family? It can ruin them. It can force them to live in fear of the dealers who got them hooked. They can lose their car, their furniture, their stereo, their house, and still the bastards will come after them for more.

Fuck Nancy Reagan! Take all the drugs you want. Just say NO to debt!

Sweet, Sweet Nukes

Exile group says Iran still pursuing nuclear arms.

'The clerical regime is continuing its drive to obtain nuclear weapons,' Mohammad Mohaddessin of the France-based group, listed as a terror organization in the United States, told a news conference in Brussels.

Sweet! Bush now has a group supporting his claims that Iran is developing nuclear weapons, but they are terrorists! That is freakin' awesome! It's too bad that most people are too stupid to really appreciate that. To you stupid people who don't get it, promise to vote for me and I'll explain it to you, but only if I get elected. (If I can secure the support of the stupid I can rule the world!)

And I'm sure a group of terrorist exiles have no reason to lie about Iran's nuclear intentions.

Incentivise!

The UK is trying to get their voting numbers up. One proposed way would be to enter all voters into a lottery.

Dame Jane Roberts, chairwoman of the commission, told The Observer she believes it is time for some radical thinking to revive interest in voting. 'We want to incentivise voting and we are keen on the carrot rather than the stick. You could, for example, put people into a lottery. But it is up to local authorities to come up with all sorts of ideas that would suit in their local patch.'

Incentivise? That's a new word for me. That is corporate marketing speak if ever there was any. That is about as Lindsey Nagel as you can get. If you get that reference, buy yourself a donut. Incentivise!

Has anyone considered that low voter turn out might have something to do with the people running for... Incentivise! Damn. Just can't get that out of my head. Back to business. Some musicians will sell out stadiums but are you going to waste your time sitting through some piece of shit show just for a chance at a jackpot? Come on. They incentivised it. Okay, some people will. Others it will just turn off more. Incentivise? Might as well set up a buffet or an arcade.

Or maybe I'll go hold my own general election... with blackjack, and hookers!

Incentivise?

Nuclear Solution

Russia says must have nuclear parity with U.S.

Russia must achieve nuclear arms parity with the United States, Itar-Tass news agency quoted First Deputy Prime Minister Sergei Ivanov as saying on Friday.

'Military potential, to say nothing of nuclear potential, must be at the proper level if we want ... to just stay independent,' Tass quoted Ivanov as saying. 'The weak are not loved and not heard, they are insulted, and when we have parity they will talk to us in a different way.'

This is it! This is our big chance. Once elected I'll make them eat those words just as badly as Reagan did, but in a Jake sort of way. I'll order the destruction of every nuke we've got and then insist that Russia live up to its pledge of nuclear parity. Failure to comply will result in the CIA dropping acid in their water supply. I'm sure they've still got the plans lying around somewhere.

The Real Price of Gas

A while back I had a notion about gas prices and inflation. What if gas prices really weren't going up that much? What if the value of the dollar is just dropping that rapidly? It would be an excellent ruse. The nation uses gas to transport just about everything we purchase. The price of gas goes up, so the price of food goes up, and the price of electronics goes up, even the price of books goes up. But the price of digitally delivered goods has remained somewhat stable.

If the price of gas is a ruse to cover for the devaluing of the dollar, why would the price of digitally delivered goods remain stable? Because the price of these goods should actually be going down! The increase in bandwidth and ever increasing storage capacities coupled with ever expanding electronic markets means that electronic content should be dirt cheap. But those people creating those products, generating that content, still have to buy very real goods such as food, clothing, shelter and iPods. With the cost of those items rising, the cost of electronic content has remained stable by the grace of an expansion of the online customer base.

According to this chart, I'm wrong. Charts don't lie and it says that in inflation adjusted dollars that gas prices have hit an all time high.

But inflation is only one factor. It is typically an indicator of the domestic economy's state of health. It is not always a reflection of the value of that nation's currency versus another nation's. If you look at exchange rates over time, the dollar hasn't been doing so hot. Factor that in to the data in the chart (that would never, ever lie to you) and I might just be onto something.

Gas prices aren't really going up. They are just an excuse to raise the prices for everything and blame it on them damned foreigners rather than taking responsibility for our domestic economic woes. Shut down the Federal Reserve, return to a currency based on a real good (such as gold, silver or heroin) and gas prices should stabilize.

That's my theory and I'm sticking to it until something better comes along.

National Sword Association

If swords are outlawed, only outlaws will have swords... like pirates and ninjas.

Stupid Headline!

This is one of the most blatantly idiotic headlines I've seen grace my screen in quite a while.

Bush draws skepticism with hands-off approach to Mideast - Los Angeles Times

I had a feeling where this headline was going (and I was right), but it still struck me as stupid. Having large numbers of troops fighting continuing wars in two, count them, TWO Mideast countries and bases in others is not a hands-off approach.

Oh, wait, he meant his hands. Just like he had a hands-off approach to Vietnam. Yeah, that draws skepticism from me as well. Call me old fashioned (like from ninth century Scandinavia), but if you're leader of the people and you want to wage war you had better be the first one into battle and the last one out. The hands-off approach never got anyone into Valhalla.

AWPC

Him: So what's with all the 'A' stuff? You trying to be Captain Anarchy or something?

Jake: Actually this is my campaign gear. I'm running for President.

Him: Alright. What's your platform?

Jake: I want to tear down as much of the government as I can and hopefully put myself out of a job.

Him: You know, if you had some advertising money and could get that message out there, I'd bet you'd get a hell of a lot of supporters from across the spectrum.

He's right, you know. So start advertising.