The Test

The surf reports predicted a big day. All indicators pointed to huge
swells on a cold (42F) and rainy day. We get out to the coast and check
out Seaside Point. Not much to speak of. We pass by Hug Point and Mark
swears he saw 5 sets rolling in. We continue on to Short Sands and decide to hike down to the beach to check out the scene before we haul gear down. The little cove is a mess of churning whitewater with hardly a wave to speak of. So we head back to Seaside to give the beach break a shot.

Putting on the new suits, we feel a lot warmer. Both of us have Billabong Solution Gold 5-4-3 suits and O'Neill 5mm Boots. I'm sporting Xcel gloves while Mark has Billabong. The suits worked great. Every suit I have rented has not kept me even half as warm as my new one and I wore those on average to warm days. As far as body warmth, we could have stayed in the water all day long and been warmer than on shore.

The surf? Worst day yet. The first big wave to come my way I thought, "Okay. Brace yourself. This might hurt." The thing came up, broke, and gently washed right over me. Most waves felt like that. I caught one ride. Some whitewash crashed behind me, boosted me a little, then rolled by. I thought that one had slipped me by. Then another broke right behind me, surged me forward, joined up with the previous one, and maintained long enough for me to get a fun ride out of it. Just had to keep the nose pointed across the break so as not to lose it.

And most of the paint came off of my nice custom paint job. Perhaps I should build a board, paint it, and then glass it.

AWPC

While not actually at work, my Saturday class consists entirely of coworkers. Today one of them said what qualifies as one of the dumbest statements ever uttered in my presence. A guy was whining about how all of the other maintenance guys pick on him and prank him relentlessly.

He is the only maintenance guy that I will openly disparage. He sucks, everyone knows he sucks, but his mom is the VP. The guy is 30, married, and has two kids, yet his mom bought him a tool chest, tools, and he even carries his mom's gas card. So since nobody in a position to do so has the balls to can his worthless ass, everybody pranks him. It's a coping mechanism. While lamenting this situation he said:

Now I know what it must have felt like to be black back in the 40's and 50's.

At which point everybody started piping in with all the reasons he was so very, very wrong!

Damn. It must really suck to be so privileged that everybody resents the way you always seem to fail upwards.

Not Giant, Colossal!

Go read this news article about a couple of Kiwis who landed a colossal squid instead of a sheep. Not one of those sort of big giant squid that are like 10 sheep but one of those super enormous colossal squid that are like a whole flock of sheep with a couple of goats thrown in for good measure.

One expert said calamari rings made from it would be like tractor tyres.

Did the expert leave instructions on how to get these calamari rings to cook all the way through without burning the outside?

Smooth

For anybody who shops online, go check out the McMaster-Carr online catalog. Wow! Every online mega-retailer's site should operate this smoothly. So nice, I feel like going back and looking up more items that I don't need... yet.

What got me there? We sometimes order parts from them at work. So when I saw it mentioned in a DIY article on building an underwater camera housing, I just had to check it out. And yes, I plan on building an underwater camera housing to take surfing.

Great prices on titanium bar stock. Hmm...

The Stoke

Just before 2 my surf buddy calls me up. "Dude. I just picked up my board. Can I stash it at your place?" Hell yeah. So he drops it off. I offer to let him use my base coat to wax his board and he has brought a package of Sticky Bumps cold water wax with him. I am fairly certain that all surf wax smells awesome. Right now the house has a scent that reminds me of all of the good things about grape cool-aid. I call home at lunch break to talk to the loveliest girl on earth and she says, "I walked in and said 'What is that smell? Mmmm, Sex Wax.'" I informed her that it was actually Sticky Bumps, but agreed that surf wax smells freakin' awesome.

So this Sunday, now that we are fully geared and ready, we are hitting the coast. I've checked surf reports every day. They had predicted average swells with some winds out of the west. What do I find today? Surf reports have suddenly changed to predict epic swells bordering on 'hazardous' starting Sunday. That sounds so sick.

Then tonight after work I have my ride drop me off at the pub to pick up my post math test lover. I find her talking to a guy who just moved here from Southern Cal. The guy asks me, "What gets you going?" My answer, surfing. "Oh, no way! I moved here to get away from that scene." So I explain to this guy that Oregon has killer surf, this weekend Seaside Point will probably get double if not triple overhead waves, and since the water is freakin' cold, almost nobody is out riding them.

And when we get home, the killer smell of surf wax makes the underlying smell of a couple of shedding dogs seem but a trifle.

Dude, I am STOKED!

Chain of Mutilation

I said yesterday that it looked a lot worse than it actually was. All the same, thank you Becky for your Pro/Am advice. I am familiar with the technical term, "to fist". Wouldn't want to lose my ability to fist. Though with hands my size a couple of fingers usually does the trick. Lot's of strenuous activity in large bodies of cold salt water should be good for it, right?



Look at that index finger. The three cuts look a bit like a happy face. I can't stay mad with that staring back at me.

AWPC

As a side project at work, the swing shift maintenance crew has started to machine our own brass hammers. We work on them when we have everything else running. Today I finished up the brass ball-peen head. Feeling quite proud of my radius, I showed off the work to one of the machinists.

M: Not bad. Needs a few more ribs for her pleasure. Where do the batteries go?

Plug

For all you surfers, check out the Froghouse. Any place can sell you the gear you need, most places can do repairs, but how many give you really wicked stickers?

Show and Tell

I now have all the equipment I need to go surfing whenever I like.

I'm wearing the wetsuit as I type this. While it offers many of the benefits of nudity with the bonus of remaining warm, the inability to access my genitalia will keep this a special purpose outfit. Next step, spending more time on the board and less underwater.



Is it just me, or do I look like a turtle in this photo?



Finally, check out what happened to me last night! It's not nearly as bad as it looks. I accidentally jammed my knuckles into a stack of sharpened saw chain. We must make good chain. I barely felt it and it left four very clean and pretty deep cuts. Basically tried to remove a good chunk of my knuckle. It looks messy from me applying the superglue before it had stopped bleeding.

Math Anxiety

As always, Slack is the answer.

Math anxiety -- feelings of dread and fear and avoiding math -- can sap the brain's limited amount of working capacity, a resource needed to compute difficult math problems, said Mark Ashcroft, a psychologist at the University of Nevada Los Vegas who studies the problem.

But I think the University of Nevada Los Vegas is phony.

God

I saw him at the temple of the sacred whore, walking away from a statue of a multi-armed woman wielding sex toys in each of her many hands (something like this). I recognized him immediately. So I ran up, threw my arms around him, and tackled him onto the sand in front of the temple. I wanted to know why he was still allowed to be a god and everyone considered Him good. Why when he deliberately mislead people, betrayed people, mistrusted his own worshippers, commanded wars and bloodshed, and would even offer up his own as a sacrifice, why did people still consider Him good? Lucifer never did anything so heinous and everybody calls him evil. Explain Yourself! But I never got any answers. He just looked frightened and vanished in the blink of an eye.

Great dream. I used to have dreams in which I would hunt demons with a shotgun reloaded with rock salt. With the demon problem under control, I must be moving up the ladder.

Whenever I have an idea that I want to express to others, the notion starts to play across my brain as words. I can see the words, even the individual letters, sometimes as typed fonts, sometimes as handwritten and every so often as script. The exact phrases I might use scroll through my visions. I've heard linguists who theorize that because of the way words shape our thoughts, language might actually be the original creative force of the Universe.

If in a mathematical mindset, things become expressible as equations. Physicists are constantly trying to come up with the one equation that is at the root of everything, the Grand Unified Theory. Yeah, GUT.

So it is no surprise that theologians see God as the source of everything.

You make up your own reality.

Actual Bar Conversation

Me: I'd like to close out my tab, please.

Guy: I'd like to place another order, unlike these pussies.

Me: Your accent, is that Australia or New Zealand?

Guy: Kiwi, mate.

Me: Ah, the velcro gloves.

Guy: We love our sheep. Keeps us warm at night. Ah, yes, a Coors Light, a Sprite, and a Diet Coke.

Me: Wait. Coors Light? I thought you said you weren't a pussy.

PSA

For most of my life I operated under the impression that Duck Tape came from the lazy tongues of Americans trying to say Duct Tape. Now I know the truth. Duck Tape predates Duct Tape. Duck tape originated with the US military as a product to seal ammunition cases against water damage. But you can't call all Duck Tape Duct Tape. In order to qualify as Duct Tape the Duck Tape has to meet certain heat requirements.

AWPC

D: So how did you decide where to put all those things?

Jake: Put all what things?

D: The rings on your face.

Jake: Oh, those things.

...

D: You know, back in my day if a guy wanted to look weird he just grew sideburns.

Jake: Yeah, but growing sideburns doesn't give you the endorphin rush giggles.

Art

Who planted the art meme that hit yesterday? I no longer walk in those circles. When it hits, it comes as a bit of a shock. Like an invasion of my own private world. Typically the conversations around me let me know what the TV and newspaper have talked about. So why the art meme? Don't tell me that the news has started to pay attention to art again. What did some artist piss all over this time?

Privilege

It must really suck to live a life of privilege. Imagine being totally incompetent at the job your second in command mom got for you, her buying you the biggest tool chest in the shop, and then offering to pay for a bunch of really expensive tools that the other guys have to scrimp and save for. The rest of the guys in the shop just can't understand your terrible situation. You don't know how to buy your own tools because nobody ever showed you how. You're just trying to get by the only way you know, by having everything handed to you.

Which leads to an AWPC!

M: If my mom were paying for my tools I'd have my own optical comparator.

Jake: If my mom were paying for my tools I'd get a plastic ruler.

Actually, my mom has given me a plastic ruler she picked up for free at a trade show. My dad gave me a steel machinist's rule that he got for free from a vendor. It's tough to be so privileged.

Surf Advice

Here is the absolute best surf advice I've found to date.

Always go surfing with a buddy. It cuts your risk of being eaten by a shark in half.

Stupid MySpace Games

This came across in MySpace today and I thought I'd share my responses.

Type the first word that comes to mind when you read these 40 words. Don't think and don’t go back and change. Doesn't matter how random just type it! Repost it for all of your friends.

1. Cigarettes: surfing

2. Elevators: surfing

3. Relationships: surfing

4. Your Last Ex: surfing

5. Michigan Football: surfing

6. Crack: surfing

7. Food: surfing

8. The President: evil

9. War: surfing

10. Cars: surfing

11. Gas Prices: surfing

12. Halloween: surfing

13. Bon Jovi: surfing

14. Religion: surfing

15. MySpace: surfing

16. Fear: surfing

17. Marriage: surfing

18. Beyonce: surfing

19. Blondes: surfing

20. Brunettes: surfing

21. Politics: surfing

22. Pass the time: surfing

23. Summer: surfing

24. Cell phones: surfing

27. Vanilla Ice Cream: surfing

28. Porta-Potties: surfing

29. High School: surfing

30. Pajamas: surfing

31.Wet socks: surfing

32. Marijuana: surfing

33. Alcohol: surfing

34. The word "shake": surfing

35. My best friend(s): surfing

36. Money: surfing

37. Heartache: surfing

38. Love: surfing

39. Time: surfing

40. Divorce: surfing

Little Bliss

I love the smell of Sex Wax.

Dynamite Surfing

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to Jewbacca for sending this my way. It made me say, "Woah, sick." I don't use that phrase much.

So Close

The wetsuit I ordered has arrived in California from the factory. With any luck I will find it in my possession in time to go surfing next weekend.

STOKED!

My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult

A Daisy Chain 4 Satan

AWPC

Sitting at the lunch table with the guys from the tool and die shop

T: You okay?
P: Yeah. I'm just tired. Couldn't get any sleep last night.
T: Your wild wife keep you up?
P: Nope. She was sleeping.
T: Girlfriend?
P: (chuckle) No.
Jake: Boyfriend?

Two people had to put hands over their mouths to prevent the laughter fueled expulsion of their their lunch.

Like shooting fish in a barrel.

New Terminology

A surfer can stand on a board one of two ways. If a surfer plants the right foot at the tail and leads with the left, they call it natural footed. If the right foot leads with the left at the tail, they call it goofy footed. Most surfers have a tendency to prefer one stance over the other just as most individuals will favor one hand when writing or doing something requiring manual dexterity.

Waves will usually break to either the left or the right based on local features. For instance Hawaii's Pipeline breaks to the left giving natural footers an advantage. Another famous Hawaiian surf spot, the monster waves of Jaws, breaks to the right. Goofy footed surfers have the advantage on such a break. A few surfers will switch stance depending on the break, but most stick with their favored footing. A top notch surfer knows how to catch right and left breaking waves equally well regardless of footing. A goofy footed gromit (inexperienced surfer, like me) would get chewed up, spit out, and probably killed at Jaws same as the natural footed grom would at Pipeline. It doesn't matter where you stand, but how you surf.

So from now on we should call Republicans goofys (right foot forward) and the Democrats naturals (left forward). Who cares, they're all a bunch of groms.

Maybe It's Warming

The topic seems to be hot around me, no pun intended. Sorry. No I will not go back and rephrase it! Anyway, I am referring to global warming. Must be all over the news or something since everybody is deciding to talk about all of a sudden.

MAYBE global warming is occurring. MAYBE current human activities are contributing to this phenomenon.

MAYBE there really is a Santa Clause.

If we choose to say there is no Santa Clause and we're wrong, we're out some gifts once a year. If we choose to say there is no such thing as global warming and we're wrong, we'll have really screwed ourselves.

Don't forget your rubbers.

Metaphor

Surfing as metaphor for something, and I like. From Ze Frank.

Bob

This is the longest Bob has ever been dead.

Ignorance Is Bliss

The past few days I've managed to ignore the news. This hasn't been like the times when I have made an effort to tune it out. Instead my head, when given the opportunity to view a few news article, has replied, "No. We don't need that shit." Of course the news of the Superbowl still filtered through. Given the environment in which I work it was inevitable. Impressive was that my ignorance of the outcome lasted nearly fifteen minutes in that place.

What have I to show for tuning out my online news fix? The dishes were washed, the floors swept, my face shaved, and my board waxed. Blissful ignorance has its rewards.

But for those who are total news junkies, here is a piece of exciting election news. My campaign is kicking off swell. Today when a fellow maintenance guy learned that I was a write-in candidate, he joked about me making shirts.

Jake: I've already got shirts.
M:No way.
Jake: Yeah. You can buy them online.
M: You're kidding me.
Jake: Nope. I'll show you.

So we go over to the computer and I show him my shirts at CafePress.com. He wrote down the address and promised he was going to go home and order up a button for his motorcycle jacket and a shirt. I don't even have one of the shirts. Perhaps the time has come for that to change.

Vote Jake or Don't!

The Board

The weather got nice. I clear coated the paint job on my board. Got a new leash. Now for the wax!

I Don't Understand It

I went to the pub with a couple of 'popular' girls last night. They were 21-22ish and admitted to being part of the popular crowd in high school. One even poked fun at me saying, "You hate girls like us, don't you?" I had to admit that it was true. Even my wife made fun of me this morning for hanging out with 'normal' girls.

Why was I hanging out with a couple of pretty young girls on a Friday night? What the hell are a couple of girls like that doing hanging out with a dirty old punk like me?

I had a real fun night.

I don't understand it.

Drug Education

Hey parents. Want to talk to your kids about drugs but you just don't know how? Here is your chance. Until Valentine's Day you can get a free download of the children's book about marijuana, It's Just a Plant.

801

That is a much better number.

I sometimes pause and wonder what exactly it is I am doing with my life. I don't know, but it fuckin' rocks.

Slack on.

post no. 800

800 is not a particularly great number. I'd much rather stare at 888 or 867. Yeah baby! But this is post number 800.

As a nation we seem to prefer certain numbers. Fifth year anniversaries seem more important than sixth year ones. Then come the zeros. Anything with a zero at the end of it is more important than something with a five at the end. There are two notable exceptions in 25 and 75. Yet nobody gives a rat's ass about 33 1/3 or 66 2/3. But if you throw two zeros at the end, everybody goes nuts and throws a huge party. Few of us can ever forget the fear and anticipation caused by the dread triple aught just seven short years ago.

Today I received an e-mail announcing the planning of my 15 year high school reunion. The five means it is only kind of special. Instead of going to my five year reunion, I went and got married. That means my 15 year reunion is completely overshadowed by a 10 year anniversary. Zeros trump most fives. And as I told them in my reply e-mail, the surf in Minnesota in the summer sucks. I'll stick with my California plans.

Why do we so obsess over fives and tens? We have seven days in our current week, why not kick out the jams using base seven? Why stick to a solar cycle? A Jupiterean cycle is about 12 years, why not just wait until Jupiter is back where he started? Need more excuses to celebrate? Count Lunar cycles. Sick of partying? Wait for Eris to complete a full orbit around the Sun.

If fives and tens are so great, why does most beer come in six packs and Guinness pub draught cans come in a four or eight pack? Why does seven always seem like the perfect number of bananas in a bunch? Try to find someone who can tell you about James Monroe or John Tyler then ask around about the 32nd president, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. He was also elected in 1932. I like the number 32. Very beautiful compared to 800.

Makes Sense

A while back I told you about a surfing drysuit and how it would flop. Here is the competition. Ripcurl has developed the H-Bomb, a heated wetsuit.

"The theory is to apply direct heat to the body to keep the blood warm, rather than wait for nature to take its course," explains BrianBosson, Wetsuit Product Manager for Rip Curl USA.

Sound absurd? The geeks over at Popular Science Magazine didn't think so and they're featuring this revolutionary technology in an upcoming issue. Not bad for a bunch of surfers.

I've met a few Oregonian surfers who would go for this in winter time. The current practice is to throw a rash guard on under your wetsuit. I'm hot blooded enough that I can surf for hours in 50 degree water without any gloves on. Still, the heated wetsuit is a good idea.

It's all about being able to urinate while surfing.