Revealing Politics

A fellow Oregonian is in some hot water. Her name is Carmen Kontur-Gronquist and she is the mayor of Arlinton.

Some of Kontur-Gronquist's constituents say she was out of line when she posed in a black bra and panties on one of the town fire engines and posted the photos on her MySpace page.

Bra and panties? As you can see in the picture, all the 'naughty bits' are completely covered. That seems almost prudish.

I make a promise to all of my loyal supporters who plan on voting for me, yes both of you, that when I am elected President I will allow myself to be shot for a spread in Penthouse. Preferably with some of their hottest Pets of the Month. We could do a send-up of Thomas Jefferson with Revolutionary costuming. I want to show the American people and the rest of the world that my Presidency has nothing to hide. Nothing! This is one President who will insist on complete exposure to the public.

Dear Penthouse, give me a call. Let's talk endowment endorsement.

Honesty

Bush seeks to ease Americans' fears over economy.

I love honest headlines. No bending or spin on this one. Just straight up truth about Bush's intentions. He seeks to ease economic fears the same way parents will seek to ease the fears of their 10 year old cancer baby. Don't worry, Timmy. Everything will be just fine. You'll get better and then we'll go to Disney World.

But the honesty of the headline was shattered by this bizarre sentence.

His seventh State of the Union speech was a chance, however, to set the tone for his waning months in the White House and try to salvage his frayed legacy before leaving office in January 2009.

Let's see, he started off as a warmongering dip shit country club Republican, he served his time in office like a warmongering dip shit country club Republican, ran for re-election as a warmongering dip shit country club Republican, and is generally seen by most people as a warmongering dip shit country club Republican. I think his legacy is doing just fine.

Credit Where Due

It took nearly 12 years of Reagan and Bush Sr. to wear down the clothing and souls to the point that brought us Grunge. W has managed to do the same in less than eight. I guess that makes him an over-achiever.

It was only Grunge if you paid too much for it. For the rest of us there was grunge.

What would eight years of Jake do to the fashion industry?

The Educated Ones

70 Percent of Army Recruits Have Diplomas.

A new study by NPP, a research group that looks at military trends, has concluded that last year, barely 70 percent of new Army recruits had high school diplomas. That's the lowest number in a quarter-century.

The study also found that about 40 percent of new recruits scored in the upper half of the military's general standards tests.

The Pentagon has attacked the study, saying it's getting the recruits it needs.

This is great news! I thought our public schools were pumping out idiots left and right. Turns out that a good number of high school graduates are smart enough to not enlist.

And the military is smart enough to know that it doesn't need the smart kids. They come back either in body bags or mentally fucked, so what's the point of wasting our nation's best and brightest?

Everything is as it should be. I love you, America! You give me hope.

Real Economic Stimulus

I've gone off on the so-called economic stimulus package a couple of times in a couple of places. But I've often been told that you shouldn't bitch unless you have a better idea.

Honestly, I don't know that it is better but it can't be much worse than the crap they are proposing. Who the hell came up with the "Spend Your Way Out of Debt" plan?

Instead of throwing money at the problem, if you really want to create jobs domestically why not ban imports? Wouldn't that be the single most guaranteed way to create jobs in the USA? Someone has to feed our desire to consume. Why not us? Scrap NAFTA and CAFTA and all the most favored nation crap. Ban imports (or just tax the hell out of them) for one year and our economy will slam into high gear like a nitro burning funny car.

That's too easy, isn't it?

I Am Jealous

Surprising Few, Italy’s Government Collapses

Italy’s government finally fell Thursday, after Prime Minister Romano Prodi lost a confidence vote that made it clear that Italy’s leaders know they face a deep political and economic crisis but are venomously divided over how to solve it.

Emblematic of those divisions, during the debate one senator rushed in fury to the desk of a colleague, Stefano Cusumano, and taunted and apparently tried to attack him. Mr. Cusumano, 60, reportedly cried, then collapsed.

“If I had the chance, I would have spit in his face,” said the attacker, Senator Tommaso Barbato, who had to be held back by his colleagues. His action came after Mr. Cusumano changed his vote to support Mr. Prodi.

After the vote, which Mr. Prodi lost 161 to 156, he submitted his resignation, ending his 20 turbulent months in office and the 61st government here since World War II.

In comparison to the governments in most of the rest of the world, the US is run by a bunch of uptight puritanical pukes. It's a C-Span dog and pony (and elephant) show. Do you think people watch because they give a shit? We want blood!

Impeachment is so passé.

Mainstreaming MLK Day

Happy MLK Day! Well, I guess you really shouldn't call it happy. It is meant to commemorate a man who was assassinated while pursuing civil rights for all. To most of the white folks I know, this day brings up mixed emotions. There are those who embrace the holiday because they get a day off of work and those who disparage the day because they have to work while other people don't. The animosity towards the holiday has a tendency to leak out inappropriately and manifest as racism. How to help poor working class whitey learn to love MLK Day...

It's a no-brainer. If you look back in history, there was a time when employers seeking workers would take out ads or put up signs advertising it with the words "No Irish". Or they'd just not hire you if you were Irish. But St. Patrick's Day went a long way towards easing those relations. People hated the Irish except that one day a year when everyone would claim to be Irish and drink themselves into oblivion.

Likewise the labor movement in this country is floundering. Yet every Labor Day you'll find Americans being loud and proud and drunk off their asses to celebrate.

MLK needs to become a drinking holiday. Start a tradition of each and every MLK Day downing a 40 or mixing up some gin and juice. This would also be the perfect excuse to smoke a blunt. These things are the common bond between the working class people of all races. Just one day a year let everybody claim to have some African-American heritage, kick it with St. Ides and bitch about whitey keeping a man down. I beseech my white brethren; Their story is our story. Their struggle is our struggle. Let's get loaded together, play some dominoes on the porch and blow some smoke with the P-Funk.

Just trying to do my part in promoting unity, here.

Election Coverage

Maybe it's just me. All of the television and radio news coverage of the election sounds like I am listening to ESPN. The written coverage isn't any better. All of it pays attention to the 'fights' with a few snippets of 'policy' thrown in like game plays.

Mr Obama needs to win in South Carolina to re-invigorate his campaign after two recent defeats.

Or how about...

Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee says he thought he would win Saturday's GOP primary in South Carolina, but his narrow loss to Arizona Sen. John McCain doesn't mean he is out of the picture.

Maybe...

A look at the specifics of Saturday's Democratic caucuses and the close contest between Sen. Hillary Clinton and Sen. Barack Obama. Expect the intense rivalry to continue.

And then we've got...

Clinton beats Obama as candidates bicker over the final delegate count. Will the ethnic tensions inflamed by a rough caucus fight haunt the Democrats?

Not to mention...

The Patriots have more than a chance to finish 19-0. They almost have an obligation to finish what they've started.

Oh wait. That one was ESPN.

Separated

I strongly believe in the separation of church and state. In fact I would like it if both the government and religion could keep themselves separated from me at all times.

Bush Tries For One Last Business Hand-Out

As every person with the most rudimentary understanding of economics and/or math will readily attest, the best way to get yourself out of an economic slump caused by overwhelming debt is to go shopping. This is the same math used in the new weight loss plans that encourage you to eat more food.

Bush calls for economy kick-to-the-balls kick-start.

A stimulus package worth perhaps $140bn dollars will have little real impact on a total US economy worth a gargantuan $14,000bn a year, our correspondent says.

If nothing else it'll make the politicians feel they are doing something and cheer up the voters.

Little real impact? Really? The big economic kick-start at the beginning of the Bush reign of terror, where people were given a few hundred bucks to go buy TVs while businesses were given real tax cuts, that resulted in the past 7 years of economic whatever-the-hell you call this fucked up mess. At least politicians will feel like they are doing something. And cheering up the voters has nothing to do with this being an election year. Bread and circuses.

What do experts have to say?

US shares turned sharply lower following the announcement, with some market participants saying that Mr Bush's plan did not go far enough.

I'd call it a case of "Too much too late."

I Hate Huckabee

Yep. Hate. Despise. Loathe. Would smile a little should he die suddenly.

Mike Huckabee, the Constitution and biblical law:

When two irreconcilable views emerge, one is going to dominate. Ours will either be a worldview with humans at the center or with God at the center ... The winning worldview will dominate public policy, the laws we make, and every other detail of our existence.

Why is a person who is openly and fundamentally opposed to the first amendment to the Constitution running for President?

I know, I know. 'But Jake, you want to tear down the entire government and you're running.' I understand the irony. I'd like to think my supporters do as well. Huckabee and his ignorant supporters scare the crap out of me.

Stupid Fucking Proposal Would Shit Can Swearing in Bars

Thank you to a Jake supporter for the heads up on this one.

Some uptight assholes in a shit hole state have taken it upon themselves to act like total bastards by proposing to ban swearing in bars. They say they are interested in giving the fucking pigs a law which they can abuse to arrest hell raising bar patrons. A look at what it would ban reveals they are actually a bunch of bitchy, puritanical mama's boys.

The proposal would ban indecent, profane or obscene language, songs, entertainment and literature at bars.

The proposal itself gives me a grand idea for those wishing to protest it. So if you live in St. Louis, pay attention. Stage a bar read-in where everyone sits around drinking and reading sexually explicit books by authors like Joanna Wylde.

I'm done trying to over use profanity. It's too fucking hard.

I Can't Resist an Opportunity for Analogy

For as long as I can remember, this nation has been faced with an ongoing challenge. Are you an American who prefers Coke or Pepsi? For the past several years Coke has retained its title as the drink leader. Meanwhile the majority of Americans seem to prefer Pepsi and Pepsi products as evidenced by the extreme popularity of Mt. Dew, especially in the youth market.

Why is it that nobody seems to pay any attention to RC Cola? It doesn't even get brought up most places. It's like the media is simply ignoring it, blocking it out merely because only a minority prefer to drink RC Cola. When presented with the challenge shouldn't people also be presented with an opportunity to learn more about RC Cola as well?

Another one is Jolt. Nobody questions that Jolt is assuredly a fringe cola that only represents the smallest of a minority of tastes. Yet still, there are those who do like it and prefer it to the alternatives.

In college I encountered a radical departure from traditional American soft drinks in the form of Nitro Cola. Most have never heard of it and even fewer have ever given it a chance.

And why is the attention always on cola? There are so many fantastic things a person can drink. What about milk, juice, tea, coffee, ayahuasca, liquor, beer and wine? Just because a majority of Americans seem to have a preference for colas does that mean we should totally disenfranchise those who chose to drink other things?

Of course it is inevitable that a few people will look at all of these drinks and decide what they've really been looking for all along is a tall glass of water.

Post 999

We are just one more post away from reaching 1,000 blog posts since the launch of this campaign. To celebrate, you should record yourself reading this post and then play it backwards to hear the hidden message.

And the campaign is building momentum! Today I received a shipment of campaign buttons in three different styles and I've already sold five of them! Granted all of them were purchased on either full or partial credit, but that's the American way. (And just as I type that phrase my player changes songs to Dropkick Murphys - The New American Way. Freaky.) None of them would dare incur the wrath of Jake's House of Credit.

I've told many people to check them out at the web store. (At right. I'm not going to bother linking this time, you lazy pukes.) I guess people really do fall for that impulse purchase stuff if you've got it right there in front of them. They say One in the Hand is worth Two in the Bush. Come to think of it, what I usually have one of in my hand Bush should forcibly have two of in him. And then some.

Cheating is for Winners

Via The BRAD BLOG but picked up by a lot of different places. Here's the short form.

Pre-primary polling data and exit polling on the day of the New Hampshire primary predicted dead-on all of the results except the Clinton-Obama race. That one was wildly off by 8 points.

All of them twisted and turned and contorted and grappled and speculated, coming up with every possible unverifiable, backwards-engineered explanation, save for the one that must not be named. The 600 lb. canary in the virtual living room...the fact that no human being has bothered to check what was actually on NH's vast majority of ballots (80%) which were 'counted' by error-prone, hackable Diebold optical-scan machines, all controlled by one bad, horribly irresponsible private company, who has no business being anywhere near a public election.

This should not surprise anyone. If you can break the law and know that there is a real good chance that you will get away with it, there are people who will.

Almost everyone I know drives an average of 5 mph over the posted speed limits. Why? Because we all know that while it is technically against the law, we will almost certainly get away with it. The evidence thus far shows that you can rig an election, or even a primary, and you will get away with it.

So why is it so necessary for candidates to raise so much money, run so much advertising and seem to try and get real people to actually support them? Couldn't they just buy an election? This is WWE World Title stuff. People have to believe that you could actually win to even half-heartedly accept the validity of a supposed win. If big businesses gave you loads of money and you didn't spend it on advertising and campaigning and you still won, it might look a bit like a bribe. In the WWE, you don't bribe your way to the top. You do what your managers tell you to do and entertain the slack jawed masses while doing it.

Secondary

If anybody lives in New Hampshire, feel free to write me in. Or feel free to abstain from the process in the name of Jake. Or because you're too drunk.

I Was Wrong

I predicted a clear win for Clinton because I thought Iowans were still a bunch of racist bastards. I was wrong. Iowa upsets deliver wins for Huckabee and Obama. So the racist bastard Republicans selected a conservative Christian. Meanwhile the sexist Democrats relegated Clinton to third place. A little spin on a strange turn of events.

But there were two lines in the article worthy of noting. Emphasis mine. Second one first.

Republican voters also rejected the established order, awarding a convincing victory to Mike Huckabee, the Baptist preacher who until two months ago was a virtual unknown outside his native Arkansas.

So who were they trying to convince of the victory?

With that spin in mind, read the previous sentence.

Barack Obama swept away any sense of inevitability about Hillary Clinton's march to the White House last night...

These are well paid professional writers working for one of the world's top news outlets, The Guardian. But I feel certain that the first two lines of the article just happen to contain these words as a late night folly made by very tired reporters. There is no programming being attempted. The fnords can't hurt you. This is not a staged event.

Let the voting begin!

The time has come for Iowa to tell the nation who they might think about maybe possibly voting for if they belong to a political party. In case you are incapable of getting the synapses in your brain to fire, Salon asks celebrities to do it for you!

Does anybody really need to be told who Gloria Steinem would vote for?