Dem Veep Revealed

The candidate of change is at it again. This time he has announced his running mate and shocked the world with his choice.

Did he choose a woman? How about a Latino or Native American? Or maybe someone who has worked outside the system to bring about changes?

How about a gray haired white dude? Yep, Senator Joe Biden. How revolutionary! What better way to cause change than to select a running mate who matches the gender and ethnicity of every President and Vice President in the 230+ year life of this nation. What better choice than a former lawyer with a plastic smile who has followed in the footsteps of Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms.

Ah, but he's Catholic. We've only had one of those before. And that ended well...

Drug Testing

For the record, I am 100% against employment drug testing. I am against pre-employment drug testing as a condition of hire. I am against scheduled drug testing such as is used for many people who operate heavy machinery or drive a company vehicle. I am against random drug testing in the work place. I am against post-accident drug testing.

However, I have no sympathy for a person who loses their job as a result of work place drug testing. I don't care if it was a random, scheduled, or accident related drug test. You know the conditions of your employment. You took a gamble and used substances that could show up as a positive. You failed a drug test and lost your job. If your job was so important to you the situation could have been avoided.

If it was a false positive, get a lawyer and sue for wrongful termination. There is a lot of case history and research to back you up.

Sleepwalker McCain

For the record...

I do not endorse Obama for President.

There is a line in the video that gets repeated saying, "We're all gonna die if McCain gets elected." I do not agree with this statement.

With that said, I am just as welcoming of a President who chooses to pop a bunch of mind altering pills as I am of one who smokes a little grass. Hell, they can do both for all I care.

Thanks Jeremy

This thing plays out like an advertisement for Syndicalist Anarchism. I don't think it was meant to.



What do you want? Information. You won't get it! By hook or by crook...

Proxy Wars

Proxy Wars were very popular during the Cold War days. By popular, I mean that the United States and Soviet Union favored them as a means to divide up the globe between the capitalists and the communists. For most of the people in the countries where these things were fought, the proxy wars weren't very popular at all.

But the United States and Russia are still at it, fighting proxy wars. This latest conflict between Russia and Georgia has an element that caught my attention.

Did the U.S. Prep Georgia for War with Russia?

Since early 2002, the U.S. government has given a healthy amount of military aid to Georgia. When I last visited South Ossetia, Georgian troops manned a checkpoint outside Tskhinvali -- decked out in surplus U.S. Army uniforms and new body armor.

Emphasis mine. New body armor. From the United States. This was shortly before we were hearing the horror stories of our own troops not having body armor in Afghanistan and Iraq. The Pentagon short-changed their own soldiers in the name of a proxy war against the old Bear.

Do you have any idea how many yellow ribbons it takes to do the job of one small piece of body armor? Our soldiers got screwed.

Retarded

Message to the Special Olympics:

You are retarded!

Your athletes are retarded.

Your events are retarded.

Protesters gather at Stiller film

Tim Shriver, chairman of disability group Special Olympics, said protestors were particularly offended by the use of the word 'retard' regarding a character, Simple Jack, played by Stiller

'We feel that the use of the word 'retard' throughout the film, 15 or more times, is done without any regard for the dignity of people with intellectual disabilities,' he said.

The word retarded refers to something that is slower than it should be or slower than normal. It was used as a simple technical term long before it became associated with people with mental disabilities who are, very technically speaking, retarded. I use it nearly every day when fixing machines. The timing is retarded. That cam is retarded. The MPD response time needs to be retarded. That operator is retarded.

The organization known as the Special Olympics is retarded for not being up to snuff on the meaning of a term they object to.

Their athletes are retarded because no Special Olympian comes close to even the worst performances among regular Olympians.

Their events are retarded because they have to slow down the pace of things to cater to the people involved.

Based on trailers I've seen, the film they are protesting looks mildly retarded.

And I'm retarded for taking way too freakin' long to explain the meaning of the term retarded to a bunch of retarded people who probably won't even see this retarded post.

Abortions for All!

Yes! A chance to talk about one of my favorite topics. Why, just yesterday I was talking with my parents about abortion and now I get to take an opportunity to talk about it some more.

My fellow Americans, now more than ever I am in support of abortion.

Millions Who Had Abortions Don't Know It

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has drafted a rule that would call it abortion when a contraceptive prevents a fertilized egg from embedding itself in the uterine wall.

All you gals on the pill are having abortions. All you women with IUDs are having abortions. It is a great time to be alive if you are one of the lucky few who didn't get aborted.

Never mind the medical definition that states the zygote has to actually attach to the uterine wall before it can be considered a pregnancy. Like the hard core religious fundamentalist right-to-lifers I also do not trust doctors. None of them will give me the good meds when I'm in pain. FYI Doc: I pop maybe two pills a year! If I come to you in pain seeking a little comfort, it is because if anyone else felt the way I did they would think they were dieing so just give me the freakin' prescription! Now, where was I?

Under a broad definition of the new rule, my vasectomy prevents zygotes from attaching to uterine walls by preventing eggs from getting fertilized. I am a walking, talking abortion clinic! Awesome.

Some folks are troubled by this new rule. They say it will be used to deny women access to contraception. Which in the short term it might. I am in favor of it in as much as I am in favor of abortions. I also think this is exactly the kind of theocratic bullshit that pushes the issue over the top. If you call contraception abortion, suddenly abortion doesn't seem so frightening. Psychologically it makes the pro-life arguments impotent. It aborts them.

I Met the Walrus

Enjoyable. Great laugh at about 4:18. Peace.

Pop Goes the Weasels

McCain and Obama have revealed some of their pop culture picks in a recent article. Turns out I have something in common with John McCain.

Obama, McCain reveal pop culture favorites

In the world of music, McCain revealed a weakness for the Swedish disco-era band ABBA, late singer Roy Orbison and 1970s star Linda Ronstadt.

I could do without Linda. Obama listed Frank Sinatra, Bob Dylan, Sheryl Crow and John Coltrane. I like Sinatra and Dylan, but when put in a tops list with Crow and Coltrane, let it be said I will never attend a party at the Obama household.

And is is just me or does the article seem to be deliberately playing to the McCain camp?

To answer some of the same questions put to the other candidates (since nobody bothered to ask me):

• Favorite Super-hero: I grew up liking Captain Atom. I also like Rorschach.
• Favorite Musical Acts: Bands that almost never get flipped past during random rotation include Tool, Flogging Molly, Gogol Bordello, Joe Strummer and ABBA.
• Television Shows: Simpsons, South Park, Doctor Who, Monty Python, Venture Brothers and The Prisoner
• Last Movie Seen in a Theater: WALL-E
• Favorite Actor in the Role of President: Jack Nicholson in Mars Attacks and Ronald Lacey in The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension
• First Movie Memory: Star Wars with that fabulous scrolling opening text and powerful music followed by the little ship being pursued by the big ship. That's politics for you.

Fucking Paris Hilton

That is meant as a general expletive and not to indicate any kind of activity.

A majority of the blogs to which I subscribe have now mentioned the Paris Hilton for President video. Some friends I've got. Traitors!



Need I remind you all that Paris Hilton is not old enough to run for President? In other words it is just a joke. She is not a serious candidate with serious intentions of running nor could she legally take office even if she ran a successful write in campaign.

So get your ass back in the Jake camp and worship at the feet of your future lord and master elected representative!

Drugs Rule!

Last night at work I was wondering about a co-worker who always wears a Grateful Dead necklace. How the hell does I guy like that get hired in a place with random drug testing? Because, I reasoned, nobody can stand listening to that shit unless they're high. One would think that Grateful Dead paraphernalia would count as an automatic drug test fail with no urine sample needed. (Not that I endorse such discrimination. Just saying...)

Synchronicity of synchronicities, what should I find in my news box today but this!

The 5 Greatest Things Ever Accomplished While High

Any dreadlocked white guys finding this article after Googling 'Drugs Rule' should know that we've given this list about drugs a rule. To make the cut, an accomplishment has to be considered great by people who could pass a field sobriety test. So no Grateful Dead music. We're sure someone somewhere has enjoyed the Dead perfectly sober, just as there are probably non-Christians who listen to Christian Rock. But we're just as sure that in the grand scheme of things, those people don't count.

I'm glad I'm not alone on this one.

The list is good, too. It includes 2 acid heads, 2 coke fiends, a shroomer, and this gem...

There's plenty of controversy surrounding certain parts of the Bible, (where are the dinosaurs?), but most can agree that the Ten Commandments make some good points: killing is wrong, stealing is wrong, and weekends are for sleeping.

Space Power!

Harvesting solar power in space and beaming it back to Earth to fuel our energy needs? I'm for it. Somebody has to build and service those panels out there in space. Space is where I want to be. If I have to build solar panels to get there, then I will build the best damn solar panels anyone has ever laid eyes on.

I turned off the sound because I had Tool playing and it beat the hell out of the included music.

Abolish Money

I'm certain of this now. Money has caused so much trouble, we just need to abolish it. It's just a symbol anyway. Get rid of it.

But with what shall we replace it?

Nothing.

Ack! I can't handle that!

Fine. I'm sure we could come up with something. Replace it with the calorie. A person is worth the energy they expend doing things. So a steel worker is worth more than an investment banker. The garbage man is worth more than a lawyer. Intelligence is its own reward.

I still say we don't need to replace money with anything. But the important thing is to BAN MONEY NOW!

Platform

Just a reminder that yes, I am still running for President and yes, I do have a platform.

Essentially I share a platform with the Guns and Dope Party. Here it is...


(unrelated photograph)

1. guns for those who want them, no guns forced on those who don't want them (pacfists, Quakers etc.)
2. drugs for those who want them, no drugs forced on those who don't want them (Christian Scientists etc.)
3. an end to Tsarism and a return to constitutional democracy
4. equal rights for ostriches.

Like the Guns and Dope Party I also support Lysander Spooner's voluntary tax plan. If you want to help the government build roads, then by all means send the government some money to build roads. If you want the government to provide health care, then by all means send some money to the government to provide health care. But I am not a member of the Guns and Dope Party, I am the founder of the Anarcho-American Party. As such I believe you also have the option of going out and patching some roads and practicing medicine in your spare time thus eliminating the government middle man if you so choose.

What is the Anarcho-American Party? It is something like a bachelor party in Vegas but with more sex and booze. What does it stand for? Because when it sits down the room starts to spin.

On conservative days I support the abolition of the extremely unconstitutional Federal Reserve and on wilder days I want to ban all forms of money (except sex which can be used to buy just about anything).

I am pro-Abortion but accept the fact that some people actually want their kids.

More surfing, less water boarding. And people should only have their lips sewn shut and cheeks pierced with wire if they are really into that scene.

I LOVE the USA. Most people could use a hell of a lot more of it. And it should be taught in schools, during sex education classes, which really need more lab time.

All factories to be taken from the bosses and given to the workers who will immediately give themselves unlimited sick time and start calling in sick every day until they figure out that there is nobody there to answer the call and we are out of products to buy so maybe they could build something useful when not fucking and getting high.

I support stem cell research. Especially if it uses stem cells from aborted fetuses.

I want to be the first President with an orbital presidential library inside an orbital garden called the Mt. Vernon Aero-ponics Garden. We can name this space station New Amsterdam (since New York isn't using it anymore).

Some days I support gay marriage. Other days I support group marriage. I may even be convinced to support inter-species relationships. Often I think it would be easier to abolish marriage.

I have an extremely liberal interpretation of the second amendment. I am the founder of the National Sword Association. They can have my claymore when they pry it from my cold, dead hand. I support our right to keep and bear arms of all types. I also believe in Americans' right to keep and arm bears.

That about covers it. Oh, did I mention I'm pro-Abortion?

Wobbly Coffee

When I go out to a coffee shop I like to go to the Red and Black. It is a local cooperative, the workers become co-owners after a few months probationary trial, and the shop is very anarchist/Wobbly minded.

With that said, Starbucks workers around the world have been trying very hard to unionize and continue to do so. It isn't surprising. This type of movement should be natural. When an employer is making loads of money and treating employees like a commodity, workers should organize. But it didn't pick up steam until recently when the coffee shop chain started to close stores.

Starbucks Goes Union in Minnesota

Baristas at the Mall of America Starbucks walked off the café floor today and delivered a demand letter to management calling for just treatment of all employees affected by Starbucks’ closure of stores nationwide. The surprise job action comes in the wake of the coffee giant’s announcement that it will close 600 stores, including 27 in Minnesota.

I have always encouraged people to not buy Starbucks coffee. It is an inferior product sold by a giant corporation that uses exploitative techniques to maximize profits. If Starbucks were to quit resisting unionization, if they were to instead employ only union baristas and actually endorse the IWW, I would change my stance and start to encourage people to go to Starbucks. I might even consider picking up a part time job.

While we are on the topic of how Starbucks can improve, here is another suggestion. It would also be nice if they allowed their baristas to dress like their old logo. Though I can understand having to wear an apron as a protective measure around hot coffee.

Great Depression II

How to put this politely? Have you ever been F'd in the A by a TV W? Have you ever had to sell off your assets to get F'd in the A by the W? It's something like that.

NAB will shock Wall Street

The National Australia Bank's decision to write off 90 per cent of its US conduit loans will have dramatic repercussions around the world...

NAB says that it is suffering a 55 per cent loss on American housing loans – an event that has never happened in the history of a developed country in recent memory. This is an unprecedented event and means that the cost of bailing out the US financial system is now far beyond the highest estimates. A US recession is now locked in, but more alarmingly, 55 per cent loan losses point to the possibility of a depression...

US banks have written down $450 billion in bad housing loans. The revelation from NAB means that they will now certainly need to take provisions to $1,000 billion. But write-downs of $1,300 billion and perhaps even more are on the cards.

Where will the equity come from to cover these bad loans? The world has never attempted a rescue effort of this size and it will make liquidity in the globe very tight. That’s why corporates will be hit. All Australian companies that need equity should raise it now.

I've got a quick fix. Abolish money.

Or get ready to ride the trains from state to state looking for work.

Contest!

Hey folks. This nifty image was dancing around in my head this morning. After bringing it into digital existence I kept coming up with captions to add to it. But I came up with too many. The one best phrase never manifested.



Now I'm dragging all of you into it. Here it is, the first Vote Jake Caption Contest. There will be fun and there may even be a prize. Unlike my opponents, I am making no promises. Post your captions by leaving a comment.

Punishment by Death

Iran executes 29 in jail hangings.

In unrelated news, FOX announced it will launch its latest reality TV show America's Top Con. Death row inmates living on a secluded island will have to complete a series of tasks to win the title of Top Con. Each week viewers can vote for their favorite convict. Who will be the lucky winner who gets to leave the island?

Your Best 'Choice' for President

Many of my kind try to hide it. There is no need for secrecy anymore. Aliens walk among us. Or rather, we walk among you. Go check out Exposing Reptilians for a partial list.

If you read through the list of prominent politicians who are reptilians, aliens, hybrids, or controlled by one of the former you will notice that John McCain is a hybrid and Obama isn't on the list.

I, on the other hand, am a reptilian shape-shifter. I perform dark rituals and drink human blood. I've also seen myself change into a reptile and back again. Others have seen it, too. I wish somebody would have told me that it makes me part of the Rich And Powerful Elite. No bother. Now I've found out and can take my rightful place as your alien overlord.

And to you insect people/aiens who are hiding among the humans... Get off my planet!

Lipstick on a Pig

My favorite thing about rules is the trouble people will go through in trying to avoid breaking them while essentially breaking them. They can't seem to be bothered to break them good and hard.

Firms Offer Muslims Alternatives To Mortgages

Islam forbids charging interest in the belief that it exploits people, but it allows making money off actual goods. Aqbal worked with an Islamic finance company to buy his $300,000 condo. He put in $30,000 and the finance company put in the rest, so they essentially bought it together. Instead of paying a mortgage, Aqbal will pay rent until he eventually buys the company out of its share. The company charges a fee for Aqbal's exclusive use of the house, but considers that profit, not interest. It'll end up costing practically the same as a mortgage; the methodology is what's different.

'You have essentially the same type of product,' says Hussam Qutub of Guidance Financial, an Islamic finance firm. He uses the analogy of a potato chip fried in pig fat — pork is forbidden to Muslims — and a potato chip fried in something more acceptable, like vegetable oil.

To put it another way, this whole finance business is a bunch of horse shit, because pig shit would be unacceptable to Muslims. If you live in a house with a mortgage or you rent-to-own, stop making payments and you lose your house and your ass is on the street.

You can put lipstick on a pig or garters on a goat but they still won't let you bring it as your prom date. Trust me on that one.