Cheerfully Retracted

Apparently two and a half years ago I made a post (NSFW: Extreme Sports and Extreme Sex) based on a news story I had stumbled across. Today after a message from the individual involved I have edited the piece accordingly. Cheers and thank you for the correction.

Prejudice In American Media

This is totally disgusting!

Another Female Suicide Bomber Strikes Iraqi Province

Do they ever print a headline stating "Male Suicide Bomber Strikes"? Of course not. When they say Suicide Bomber it is implied that we all know suicide bombers are men thus mandating the gender tag when it is not. Are we really that backwards? With women working as police officers, dairy delivery persons, lawyers, gas station attendants, and even making a serious bid for this nation's top office we are somehow still so prejudiced as to not fully accept that women can be just as proficient at suicide bombing as men are.

Everything You Know About the Drug War is Wrong

The title above is a completely false statement. It is quite possible that everything you know about the drug war is not wrong. It all depends on what you know about the drug war. But here is a fact to back up what some people already know about the drug war.

Legal Drugs Kill Far More Than Illegal

An analysis of autopsies in 2007 released this week by the Florida Medical Examiners Commission found that the rate of deaths caused by prescription drugs was three times the rate of deaths caused by all illicit drugs combined.

So parents should be relieved to find out their kid is shooting up smack rather than popping Vicadin. Which comes as no surprise to me. Only really cool entertainers at the top of their careers die of a heroin overdose. Everyone knows that. So go ahead and throw in some coke so you can stay alert enough to enjoy your dosed up day. You might just right a killer song while some Oxycontin abuser ends up in the morgue or, worse, on a nationally syndicated talk radio program.

So of course the authorities can look at this data and see that the drug war has been a farce all along meant to imprison undesirables who would dare to explore traditional altered states.

Law enforcement officials said that the shift toward prescription-drug abuse, which began here about eight years ago, showed no sign of letting up and that the state must do more to control it.

Or maybe they'll just find some new way to perpetuate the unwinable war.

Cindy McCain's Stolen Cookies

Via Democratic Underground we find out that Family Circle has a Presidential Cookie Bake-Off. The spouses of the candidates are supposed to submit a cookie recipe for the contest. At the time Hillary was still in the running so Bill submitted a recipe for his favorite cookie even though he never bakes them himself. Cindy McCain did what any good Republican in a similar situation would do and simply stole a recipe. But she got caught because it was directly from the Hershey's website.

If they would have asked for a submission from the Vote Jake camp they would have received a fantastic recipe for good old chocolate chip cookies. It's a variation on the Nestle Toll House recipe but with enough butter to trigger a heart attack just by smelling them. So why was I not informed about this bake-off?

The real cheater here would be Michelle Obama who submitted a recipe that called for a shot of amaretto. Cooking with alcohol is an unfair advantage.

Relief

From what I've gathered in the news thus far, Obama wants to give people;

• Free Health Care
• Free Post-Secondary Education
• Clean Energy
• Massive Tax Cuts and Rebates
• Bread
• Circuses

How does he plan to afford this while paying down a national debt of historic proportions? For all his flare and fancy speech making, he's still a politician.

Don't Buy the Hype!

I've already seen a news article from a major news outlet claiming that McCain has a clear lead over Obama in the polls. Released at almost the exact same time from a different source was an article with polling data showing that Obama is the man to beat and McCain has a lot of catching up to do. In other words none of them know jack and are writing stories to fill columns because that is what they get paid to do.

I'm still waiting on the veep choices. I'm not too worried about McCain. He is a party man, a Republican 'yes' man, and he will lie, cheat and steal his way to the White House.

As far as Obama, I fear the worst. There is a possibility he might actually mean what he says. Such Presidents seldom make it through their full first term.

I, on the other hand, only mean about half of what I say and it isn't the half that most people think. My veep choice is my opposite and thus a balancing partner. He lies half the time and it is the half that most people don't think. But at least we're honest about it.

Viva la Muerte

TIME

In a small shop in one of this city's largest Mexican neighborhoods, Laura Martinez scans rows of candles bearing the images of Saint David, Saint Raphael and Saint Jude. But she overlooks those and grabs two candles featuring Santa Muerte — Saint Death. "She's my patron saint."

Chicago Tribune

While a similar shrine to a Catholic saint would likely be a source of pride, many residents are appalled at a 75-foot-tall statue of a skeleton shrouded in black, Santa Muerte (Saint Death). Although the Santa Muerte icon has existed for decades in working-class Mexican neighborhoods, never has it towered so ominously.

Town officials say they want to respect freedom of religion but are facing pressure from constituents who say their new neighbor is literally giving them nightmares. The town has ordered the statue demolished for zoning violations but has taken no further action.

In a small chapel on the grounds, devotees place tequila, cigarettes and bowls of fruit at the feet of smaller Santa Muerte statues. Some burn special incense sticks that promise better health or a new job. Hundreds of worshipers come for Sunday prayers, many traveling long distances to this town about an hour north of Mexico City.

Some Catholic journalist/blogger

Santa Muerte's precise origins are a matter of debate. Some experts say its roots lie with Aztec spiritual rituals that mixed with Catholicism during Spanish colonial rule. What is clear, however, is that Santa Muerte developed a large following only in the last quarter century among Mexicans who had become disillusioned with the dominant Church and, in particular, the ability of established Catholic saints to deliver them from poverty. Residents of crime-tossed neighborhoods like Mexico City's Tepito began revering Santa Muerte more than Jesus Christ, experts say. Some of its devotees eventually split from the Catholic church and began vying for control of Catholic buildings. That's when Mexico's Catholic church declared it a cult.

...only when the real estate was at stake, of course.

All very cool, but Satanists are still cooler.

Moles Wanted

My old base of operations is gearing up for the RNC by finding infiltrators for protest groups.

City Pages (Minneapolis/St. Paul)

What they were looking for, Carroll says, was an informant—someone to show up at “vegan potlucks” throughout the Twin Cities and rub shoulders with RNC protestors, schmoozing his way into their inner circles, then reporting back to the FBI’s Joint Terrorism Task Force, a partnership between multiple federal agencies and state and local law enforcement. The effort’s primary mission, according to the Minneapolis division’s website, is to “investigate terrorist acts carried out by groups or organizations which fall within the definition of terrorist groups as set forth in the current United States Attorney General Guidelines.”

You have to watch out for those vegans. My cousin's friend's sister's gastroenterologist's psychic was a vegan and I heard that due to the lack of protein the brain started eating itself for nourishment and then she became a brainless zombie that ate other people's brains at political rallies.

Carroll would be compensated for his efforts, but only if his involvement yielded an arrest. No exact dollar figure was offered.

Those cheap bastards! They better at least be providing the hot dish for him.

If protesters want a friendlier environment for their chanting and dissent they are welcome to protest any of my events. There is no police interest, no police coverage, in fact you could probably try to assassinate me and the police would stop off and get some coffee and donuts before showing up. The RNC might consider allowing that level of protester freedom far too liberal for their tastes. I prefer to think of it as good old fashioned conservative free market economics of ideas.

To all of my friends in MSP; If you plan on demonstrating keep an eye out for the narcs, they're the ones that look like hippies.

PSA: Memorial Day

It seems people often confuse Memorial Day and Labor Day. So here is an easy way to differentiate the two.

Memorial Day is the one where everybody gets a day off of work to drink themselves silly. It is unofficially the start of the summer barbecue season. Everybody drinks to commemorate our service men and women who often have to drink to forget all the shit they have witnessed in wars.

Labor Day is the one where everybody gets a day off of work to drink themselves silly. It is unofficially the end of the summer barbecue season. Everybody drinks to commemorate the workers who often have to drink to forget all the shit they have to put up with in the work place.

Who Am I Watching?

For a while I got confused and thought I had clicked on a video from The Onion. Nope. It's MSNBC's Countdown with guest host Rachel Maddow.



I was surprised they didn't mention Bush's legacy. Along with being remembered as a fear mongering chicken hawk imbecile, he will also go down as the foremost leisure President in US history. Should he really risk that legacy by giving up golf?

For the record, Bush may be a terrible dancer, but I'm even worse. I'll give him that.

Nope

Today was Oregon's Primary as well as Portland's mayoral race, some other positions, and a few ballot measures. In a blatant display of disrespect for the democratic principles upon which this nation hangs its reputation, I did not vote. I did not see the point in choosing between shit and dung. Elections are like a choose your own adventure book that has nothing but disastrous endings.

Let's all go write our own.

Sneaky Like a FOX

Is FOX News hiding pictures of John McCain in their bumper? That is pretty darn sneaky. I just hide pictures of breasts and vaginas. By hide I mean stash, or harbor. By pictures I mean images and video. And I keep them on my computer and bookshelves, not in news bumpers. I wouldn't want to look at them in a news bumper. Why ruin perfectly good content by inserting it into a pile of shit? So FOX can keep McCain in their bumpers for all I care. I already associate a pile of shit with a dung heap.

ConsPiracy

Something for people to ponder.

Legalize It!

This week the DC Madame, Deborah Jeane Palfrey, was found hanged in an apparent suicide. Or was it?



When a madame that caters to the Washington DC elite is busted what would she have to fear? Was it all just paranoia that lead to drastic actions? What would her well connected Washington DC clients have to gain from making certain this gal remains quiet?

Yet another reason we need to completely legalize prostitution. Palfrey maintained that she merely ran an escort service. Which is most likely true in some sense. High class girls for high class guys. Just go spend some time with them. Palfrey collects her fee and gives the escort her share. Anything else that takes place is not part of the business. I've been in a couple of strip clubs like that. (And while I declined the offer I still felt the need to go home and shower immediately.) Legalize it. Keep it on the level. Require that a medical professional such as a nurse practitioner has to be on site during business hours Maintain confidential medical records to protect the privacy of employess and clients. Getting discovered at such a place could still ruin a politician's career if he was some two-faced rat bastard who spoke out about such things while using said services. But at least the people in the business will be afforded the protection of public scrutiny, for what that's worth.

Some gals would still work under the table. Hell, some guys would probably pay extra for that.

More Jesse

If I agree with him only half the time, it's 99% more often than any other politician.

None of the Above

Yes, I voted for Jesse Ventura when all the polls showed him coming in at a distant third.

Yes, I was excited as I saw the numbers roll in and it became apparent that he was the next governor of Minnesota.

Yes, I did not always agree with his policies.

Yes, he is probably the only elected official I thought did a damn fine job.

Yes, if he ran for President I would back out of the race and throw my support behind him.

But his idea for adding a "None of the Above" vote of no confidence category in all elections is something I really agree with. That would get me voting again.

When in Rome

When I think of Rome I think of sexually deviant politicians. Milly D'Abbraccio represents what is Rome.

Porn star unveils campaign weapon-her bottom

Targeting her male fan base, the veteran of Italy's adult entertainment industry has plastered images of her derriere all around the Eternal City in a bid to win a seat in Rome's city hall.

Makes sense. If you want to win a seat in government it's important to prove that you are capable of filling it.

If elected, D'Abbraccio wants to create a red light area with strip clubs, erotic discos and sex shops called "Love City" just kilometers away from the Vatican.

Terrible idea! One shouldn't go tainting the sanctity of strip clubs and sex shops by associating them with 'love'. Perhaps I could discuss this with her on my first Presidential trip to Rome.

Podcasting Update

Turns out people are actually listening to my podcast.

Thank you.

AWPC: State of the Election

My co-workers don't typically make off the cuff clever remarks. Today I was pleasantly surprised.

Gal 1: Who do you think will win this fall? Clinton or Obama?

Jake: I don't know and I don't really care. Both of them suck. They are only mildly better than McCain.

Gal 1: I think it will be one of those two, though.

Jake: It probably won't be me. My campaign hasn't been going too well.

Gal 2: I'll vote for you. At least I've actually spoken with you.

Jake: I probably won't even carry a state.

Gal 2: You could try for Rhode Island.

Get Down Moses

Moses, former leader of the NRA, dies at age 84 according to his physician, Dr. Zaius.

There is no report of what kind of gun was finally pried from his cold, dead hand.

As a fellow crackpot eccentric civil libertarian and head of the National Sword Association I would like to state that his steadfast devotion to one of the first ten amendments to the Constitution (The Bill of Rights) was commendable and will be missed.

In unrelated news, Soylent Green announces their new Oscar award winning line of snacks.