Proposition 3-17

Guinness is trying to make St. Patrick's Day an official US holiday. You can go sign the petition and I encourage everyone to do so. Of course they have an ulterior motive. Anyone who knows better than to drink the green beer is probably grabbing a Guinness. They want a national holiday dedicated to people consuming their products. Brilliant! If successful this will be the biggest coup since Bud Bowl became a part of every Super Bowl Sunday.

But who can argue with a day off dedicated to drinking?Even though St. Pat's fell on a Saturday last year the plant made us work mandatory overtime. That meant I could only have three Guinness before work and two at lunch. The working classes deserve a day of drink. Labor Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day, New Year's Eve, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Martin Luther King Day just aren't enough.

Next up, Rosh Hashanah and Halloween.

Sub-Prime Crisis!

You've probably been hearing a lot about the sub-prime mortgage 'crisis' recently. Even the federal government is getting in on it. Many of our esteemed politicians are making lots of noise about helping people to stay in their homes. The most touted 'solutions' involve subsidizing loan payback relief or having the government buy up the loans with renegotiated and reduced interest. All done to help the poor suffering constituents who are indanger of being booted from their homes.

LIES! This is not about keeping people in their homes. This is about making sure the banks get paid. When financial institutions make loans they supposedly calculate risk and assume most folks will pay and there might be a few foreclosures. When the housing market was strong foreclosures were a minimal risk. The bank could turn around and resell a piece of shit fixer-upper at near market value. Now with the housing market failing, a foreclosure is a genuine liability. And there are a lot more foreclosures than they had expected. A lot!

Responsibility, people. For those who fell into a sub-prime mortgage situation and are now about to lose the dream home you never thought you could afford, guess what? You couldn't afford it. Sorry. It is time for you to regroup and re-assess. It sucks. Give up the mobile phone, brew a pot of coffee instead of hitting Starbucks, trade your Hummer in on a Schwinn and start over. You got suckered. Don't let it happen again.

As for the banks, I want your heads on spikes in the public plaza. You deliberately tried to fuck over as many people as possible. Telling you to just eat your losses doesn't just fuck you over, it fucks everybody. The only reasonable solution at this point is to burn all banks, burn the Federal Reserve and return to a real measurable standard of currency such as gold or cocaine. Even the old Greenbacks would be preferable. The banks are the compulsive gamblers in the family. When they are on a winning streak they keep raising the stakes. When they lose we have to pick up the tab. Screw that!

Realistically we can't round up the bankers and chop off their heads. Don't expect the likes of Obama and his sub-prime lending cronies to help you out of this one. Most of the other candidates are even worse! I've always been clear on my policies. The Fed must go. In fact, the top folks at the Fed and the major banking institutions that helped create and perpetuate the Federal Reserve System all need to be banished, outlawed. While what they did was not technically illegal, it was foul and directly contrary to the pursuits of life, liberty and happiness for all except themselves. They are not wanted here. They are a threat to the citizenry. There is no place for them here. Let them run away to Argentina like Nazis did after WWII.

In exchange for shutting down the Fed and kicking all the bankers out of the country, all I want is Kykuit.

The Bigot Vote

Hey everybody! Turns out racism is OK. You can even use it to justify your choice in the elections.

It's OK to vote for Obama because he's black | Salon

I believe that most of Obama's supporters are voting for him for the same reason. Like me, they're drawn to his idealism, his youthful energy, his progressive politics. But it's his blackness that seals the deal."

Woohoo! It's a return to the good ol' days. You can vote for someone based on the color of his skin. You could even vote for Clinton based on her gender. Hell, why not vote for another white male just because he's a white male. Apparently some progressives have decided it's OK. Racism and sexism are no longer conservative hallmarks.

One can only assume that the opposite is true as well. So it's OK to not vote for somebody based on their ethnicity and/or gender. Maybe even their religion.

In fact, you should vote for me because I am tall and have facial hair. Or maybe because I have blond hair and blue eyes. Or maybe because I have bigger feet than the other candidates. Or maybe because my personal appearance is exactly the sort of western deviance those damned Fundamentalist Islamic terrorists hate so damn much... and I like to eat pork. Now that it is OK to pick a candidate based on prejudice, there are all kinds of reasons to Vote Jake!

Trend Setting Again

I saw this headline and thought, "Wow! I am always ahead of the curve."

Pain in the pocketbook
Last week, the federal government reported that the Consumer Price Index rose a greater-than-expected 0.4% in January and 4.3% over the past 12 months, mainly because of higher food and energy costs. Food and beverages jumped 4.8% for the year and transportation soared 9.4%.

The article says Americans are starting to really feel the economic pinch. Been there, done that. I went through this for the past five years and only in the past year have I been feeling financially stable again. A little.

But I always seem to be a bit ahead of things like this. It's like being an accidental prophet. So my news to you is that things will get better, but the next few years are going to suck for you. You might just want to commit suicide now and save yourself the trouble. Because suicide isn't murder, it is a late, late term abortion performed for your parents at no charge. And I support greater access to free abortions.

So consider aborting yourself, at least for the next few years. Unless you vote for me in which case I will miraculously cure all of our economic woes overnight. You'll have nothing to worry about. How? Vote for me and you'll find out.

Election Result Leaked Prematurely

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

New Campaign Headquarters

After a scouting mission this weekend, the Vote Jake campaign is moving its public headquarters to a new location. It didn't really have an old location, so the move should be painless.

The new campaign headquarters is the Lucky Devil Lounge. Why would we choose a gentleman's club as campaign HQ? While they call themselves a Gentleman's Club, they are welcoming of people of all genders. So am I. It is also Portland's first and only smoke-free strip club. They did this voluntarily. I strongly support the establishment of smoke-free environments on a voluntary basis. No one should be forced by law to ban smoking. But they also welcome smokers and have provided a heated patio section for them to escape to. It is also a great place to escape to when the DJ decides to deviate from the Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails, and Pantera mix to play Michael Jackson songs. I also encourage private support of the arts. The performers featured at Lucky Devil are very talented artists. The spunky and acrobatic performances of Gypsy are well worth your support. And Mirage was kind enough to pin a Vote Jake campaign button to her panties for us. Artists like these two definitely make the new headquarters a value added venue. The patterned velvet wallpaper is also a nice touch.

Mirage did have a couple of policy questions for me. First and foremost, would I legalize? Legalize what? She wasn't specific but she didn't have to be. I would work to legalize everything I could. Guns for those who would like to have them. Drugs for those who would like to use them. Nudity for those who would like to shed their clothes. Same sex marriage, group marriage, short term marriage, and even self marriage. Get rid of laws and get rid of those who enforce laws.

Which lead to a second question about crime and violence. Logically if you get rid of laws you immediately get rid of all crime. Fear and violence are another matter. Personally I don't feel policing, especially at a federal level, is the way to handle these situations. Much policing would still be done at a local level. You can't stop communities from trying to uphold the values they believe in. We can take away all federal intervention in the process. The FBI, CIA, DEA, ATF, FDA, DHS, FCC, and other agencies dedicated to Federal level regulation of morality should be done away with.

How successful do I expect to be in doing this when elected? Not very. Unlike some Presidents, I recognize that there are other branches of government designed to keep crackpots like me in check when in public office. It won't stop me from trying. If the house and senate want to keep funding these agencies they'll have to do so without my signature. Which should be natural for them since they have been ignoring me and those with similar opinions for as long as I have been in this country (my entire life).

Down On Democracy

Through a conversation with a co-worker I discovered that he voted for George W. Bush twice! I can forgive once. We all have heard the pop wisdom phrase of fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. So yeah, he got fooled twice and is just now realizing that he may have made a mistake.

Of course I was fascinated by the opportunity to talk politics with this person. One of the benefits of working in manufacturing is the opportunity to mix with 'regular' people and crawl inside the workings of their minds. Rather than going ballistic on him, I made inquiries into how he came to vote for the shrub both times, who is he considering this time around and why.

The major theme was one of anti-liberalism. The other candidates were just too liberal. How so? He didn't know. He wasn't even sure what liberal meant. He thought that a liberal was for keeping things the same and that conservatives wanted to make changes. Taking both terms literally he would be dead wrong. Taking them as political positions he would only be half wrong since both parties have a major interest in keeping things about the way they are now. So this time around he is voting for John McCain because we are at war and Obama is just too liberal. Whatever that means.

So I asked him (or 'aksed' him, as he says) what exactly he thinks the next President should do. He wants to see a balanced budget, an end to the war in Iraq, an increase in American exports, a decrease in American imports, and for America to stop being the world's police force. Then vote for me! I'm right in line with exactly what you want. But I don't think he took me seriously.

American style democracy is doomed, dieing, or dead. I don't know which. Or maybe it is working exactly as intended when first devised by the rich white land-owner business men who framed the constitution of this country. But as long as a majority of Americans can be so easily swayed by rhetoric, catch-phrases, propaganda, lies, and all the other trappings of a main stream political campaign, nobody who might do a decent job as President will ever make it past the primaries. The average American will make certain of that.

But I'm still in the race. If Democracy is a joke than there may as well be a punch line. Vote Jake!

Reason Magazine - The Golden Age

With one of the best headlines I've seen on an article in forever, I encourage everyone to go read The Golden Age.

Observers still debate how much safer and more productive drug testing makes the workplace. But there’s at least one outfit that has no complaints about its efficacy. Forty million drug tests at an average of $30 a pop equals a $1.2 billion subsidy the federal government receives from the private sector each year to help prosecute its endless War on Drugs.

Even companies that don't give a damn about employee drug use can find themselves caving in to the demand for a drug-free workplace. Almost all insurance providers demand random workplace piss tests and drug testing after any injury or accident. The biggest lie in this is in testing for THC. Traces of marijuana use can be found in urine for up to a month after the buzz has given out. (While other drugs can be in the system when the user is no longer under the influence, pot is one of the most extreme examples.) In other words, that joint you had for Thanksgiving to make the relatives more tolerable could get you fired the day before Christmas. It's a scam and the medical and criminal justice systems know it and ignore it.

And all this came about shortly after the privatization of the health care industry. Hmmm...

Had the federal government started knocking on our front doors in 1988, cup in hand, demanding compulsory urinalysis, there would have been widespread outrage. Instead, in a move akin to Tom Sawyer convincing his pals to give him their marbles for the opportunity to whitewash Aunt Polly’s fence, the government outsourced its soaking of the Fourth Amendment to the private sector. It was one of the most ingenious policy decisions of the last 20 years.

And as President I will strike this piece of shit from the records using every resource available to me. One employer drug tested me three times in one month. I think they just couldn't believe I was clean. Many employers use "random" drug testing to try and weed out employees they don't like without having to pay unemployment. It is as stupid now as it was when they first tried to enforce it.

Until I am elected, you can still drink yourself into oblivion. Just not before work.

(I think I wouldn't mind it so much if you got to piss in your boss' mouth instead of a cup. If he then rambles for over an hour about how the Grateful Dead are a kick ass band, you're fired.)

Castro resigns as Cuban president

From the Guardian.

The current US president, George Bush, urged the international community to use Castro's resignation as an opportunity to help Cuba, which is home to 11.2 million people, to democracy.

Speaking from a news conference in Rwanda during a five-country Africa trip, Bush said: 'The international community should work with the Cuban people to begin to build institutions that are necessary for democracy.

His calls were backed by Downing Street. A spokesman for the prime minister, Gordon Brown, said: 'Our position on Cuba is a long-standing one, which is that we have always sought to encourage a peaceful transition to democracy in Cuba.'

Perhaps because it is easier to rig an election than a coup or revolution?

Bush: Keep Abstinence In AIDS Plan | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Today's Onion News "What Do you think?" is too good to miss.

Bush: Keep Abstinence In AIDS Plan

President Bush wants to keep a contested provision in his global AIDS package in which one-third of all prevention spending goes to abstinence education. What do you think?

"How much was allocated to dry-humping and finger-banging education?"

"Exactly how much money does it cost to tell people not to have sex with each other?"

Anarchist?

Today it occurred to me that I might not be so much an Anarchist as I'm a political curmudgeon. But Anarchist sounds better.

Vast Satanic Conspiracy

It's all true. And I am part of the Vast Satanic Conspiracy. Hail Satan!

Looks like I've got a shot at the top office after all.

All Apologies

Australia Apologizes to Aborigines. And it came from the mouth of Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, so it must actually mean something.

'For the pain, suffering and hurt of these 'Stolen Generations', their descendants and for their families left behind, we say sorry,' he said. 'To the mothers and the fathers, the brothers and the sisters, for the breaking up of families and communities, we say sorry; and for the indignity and degradation thus inflicted on a proud people and a proud culture, we say sorry.'

Former Prime Minister John Howard refused to apologize. What a dick. One of the things a public education actually taught me was that you don't apologize because you were wrong or you feel remorse. You always apologize because someone tells you to and in your heart of hearts you plot revenge to be delivered swiftly and painfully once that lunch bell rings. Or maybe that was just the people who were told to apologize to me.

As President I would be happy to make all kinds of apologies. I'd say sorry to the Native Americans that we slaughtered, infected, enslaved, raped and generally treated quite poorly. Sorry. And to the former Soviet Union for pushing an arms race that pretty much bankrupted their economy. Sorry. And to all those South and Central American countries where we tried to prop up dictators and unpopular politicians and even gave them training on how to torture and slaughter their own people and gave them the weapons to do it with. Sorry. And to all those pot heads in prison because they like to smoke pot. Sorry. And to France for constantly reminding them who saved their ass in WWII and always calling them pussies. Sorry. And to Canada for always ragging on their beer when we've produced far crappier shit. Sorry. And to Hawaii for loading it up with people that don't even surf. I'm really sorry about that.

Economic Stimulus

PUPAGANDA: Economic Stimulus Plan= Anti-New World Order Stimulus Plan

I am encouraging everybody to take the money they receive from the 'Economic Stimulus Plan' as an opportunity to stimulate Alternative Media.

So PUPAGANDA wants you to buy their propaganda with the tax rebate that is headed your way. That certainly turns it into an economic stimulus plan for them, now doesn't it? A lot of it isn't their stuff but their advertisers' stuff.

Whores! They are out whoring for their pimps. Which sounds like a great way to spend your rebate check. Go get a whore and maybe some illegal drugs. Stimulate the underground economy. Or if you want to support prostitution and narcotics consumption vicariously, vote for Jake and buy my stuff. Stimulate my economy! (Doesn't that sound dirty?)

Waterboarding: Not as fun as it sounds

Waterboarding should be prosecuted as torture: U.N.

The controversial interrogation technique known as waterboarding and used by the United States qualifies as torture, the U.N. human rights chief said on Friday.

'I would have no problems with describing this practice as falling under the prohibition of torture,' the U.N. High Commissioner for Human Rights, Louise Arbour, told a news conference in Mexico City.

No shit, it's torture!

The U.S. Congress is considering banning the practice, in which prisoners are immobilized and water is poured into their breathing passages to simulate drowning.

That is not a simulation of drowning. That IS drowning. It just isn't drowning to death. If you fire a gun into someone's foot is that a simulation of shooting because they didn't die?

Here is a suggestion for proper interrogation technique. We hire a bunch of elderly Minnesotan Lutheran women to do it. You bring in the prisoner. The ladies look up from their quilting. "Are you ready to talk?" If the prisoner replies that s/he isn't, the ladies offer them a cup of coffee and a piece of cream bread covered with cheese whiz and an olive slice in the center and proceed to gossip about how Mrs. Olson uses too much fertilizer on her rose bushes and all you really need are some old coffee grounds around the roots. "Do you need a warm up on your coffee, deary?"

It's just as unpleasant as waterboarding and the UN hasn't classified it as torture yet. And they'll talk.

No More Politics As Usual

They call it a representative democracy. What bullshit. Every one of those fuckers wear suits almost every day. I don't even own a suit. Not a single one of them has a facial piercing or a mohawk. This is all superficial stuff. When it comes to issues things get even worse.

So I'm here to let people know I am prepared to be your representative at the highest level. Because there is one thing we all do that no other candidate will admit to. Like you, I masturbate. Sometimes 2-3 times a week, sometimes 2-3 times an hour. I have not heard a single word about the masturbatory habits of McCain, Clinton or Obama.

Why should this be so important to voters? Because when I masturbate I know I am in charge. No need to go around blowing shit up to prove it because that morning I jerked myself to climax. Not the Saudis, the oil companies, the banks, or the pharmaceutical companies. I did it myself. Some country trying to bust my balls over a trade agreement? I can bust a nut on my own, thanks.

Why is there no other candidate talking about this? It seems far too important to trust to someone else's hand.

Super Tuesday!

So what's so super about this Super Tuesday?

It also happens to be Fat Tuesday! Bring Mardi Gras beads to your polling station and see how many chicks will flash you for a set.