Pulling Out the Big Guns

Senator Fred Thompson, Republican Presidential Candidate, has revealed his true platform to an independent media outlet. It's not really a platform. But they do sit pretty high and I bet she could support a full champagne glass between them. That's right, Mr. Thompson is promising you "If Elected, I Will Have The Hottest First Lady In U.S. History".

I am aware of the critics who doubt my ability to deliver on this promise. "What about Jackie Kennedy?" they ask. "Wasn't she a hotter first lady?" If all America cares about is hotness from the neck up, then yes. Though Jackie looked good in a pillbox hat, she never possessed that I-have-obvious-father-issues sort of hotness the people of this country appreciate so deeply. Go on, close your eyes and try picturing Jackie Kennedy on the cover of some magazine spilling out of a bikini. You can't do it, can you? Now try the same mental experiment with Mrs. Fred. The results speak for themselves.

If you elect me as your next president, you will see this woman on TV nearly every day, jogging around the Rose Garden in tight Lycra shorts, bouncing all over the place with a figure that Americans of every stripe—from surgeons to truckers—will want to nail. Yours will be a first lady who is not only hot enough to appear in Playboy, but who might actually be willing to appear in Playboy. And if you choose me to be your next president, that is exactly what she'll do, in the November 2012 issue, guaranteeing me a second term once the public gets a good look at those truly incredible bazongas.

So she's kind of hot in a MILF sort of way. Big deal. You're missing the point, Mr. Thompson. Kennedy may have been married to the extremely hot Jackie, but he was banging the original Playboy Bunny, Marilyn Monroe. You're a loser, Fred. You got nothing on that. You see, it's not who you are married to, it's who you are having extra-marital relations with that really counts. Because in our so-called Christian nation, it would be a sin to want to fuck someone else's wife, but we can all lust after a piece of their hot side action without fear of eternal damnation at the hands of a loving yet vengeful basket case of a deity.

And trust me, Mr. Thompson, this is one issue you do not want to debate me on.