Summons

A special thank you to the Multnomah County Circuit Court for tonight's NaNoWriMo inspiration.

Dear Sir or Madame,

I have received your information pertaining to my Jury Summons and have completed the information as requested. I am including this letter in the interest of expediting matters, saving both you and me a great deal of time and trouble.

As an armchair aficionado of quantum physics and brain mechanics I am of the decided opinion that I cannot trust the information that my own brain receives from the sensory organs wired into it, let alone those provided to me second hand as ‘evidence’ in a court of law. For example, once while driving in the middle of the night I brought my car to an abrupt halt when I saw a brontosaurus walking across the interstate. After waiting for the supposedly extinct dinosaur to cross the road (which I am certain he did aeons before any chicken ever attempted such a feat) I resumed travel, swerving only once to miss the giant manta ray that swooped down upon my car. The logical part of my brain tells me that such things could not have possibly happened. Yet that is exactly what I saw and reacted to in a very rational manner considering the circumstances. I have a far easier time dismissing the giant M&M that waved good morning to me from across the mountains. Even that is not completely out of the realm of possibility. If asked under oath to describe what I saw that morning, I would have to say that I saw a giant M&M candy rising over the mountains and waving at me. Is the Sun a nuclear furnace or a host of angels singing Glory Glory Hallelujah? Are you asking an astronomer or a prophet?

You see, the brain acts as a filter for information, trying to make sense of the information that it receives from the senses. It is far from impartial. While many individuals seem content to force the pentagonal pegs of their perceptions into the circular holes of the accepted consensus reality, I refuse to perpetrate such a gross crime upon my consciousness. Maybe I really did see a UFO. Maybe I really did see the spirits of dead Native Americans walking through that corn field. Maybe I really did see a couple of airplanes fly directly into the World Trade Center towers. Or maybe I didn’t. If forced to make a decision ‘beyond a reasonable doubt’ based on what others tell me of a situation, the best I could do would be to answer with a resounding ‘MAYBE!’

In addition, I am an unrepentant anarchist who feels my receiving of this jury summons could have been prevented if governments weren’t so intent on making so many damn laws. While I can appreciate the benefits of a jury system, history has shown time and again that it is a rare occasion when a person finds himself in front of a jury of his peers. If I were charged with a crime could I be so blessed as to find myself in front of a group of men and women who understood that the Universe consists of probabilities, not actualities? The electrons, protons, and neutrons that make up all matter exist only as fields of probability and have no substance until examined. Upon examination, it is the observer who decides what form they take. While an understanding of these quantum principles makes me a uniquely qualified jury candidate, our antiquated legal system is looking for people of a far more Newtonian mindset. This I cannot be.

If, after reading this, you feel I should still appear for my jury summons, I will oblige. Let it be known that I will do so knowing full well that I will be found unfit to serve and I am certain to be rather cranky about the whole affair.

Please forward copies of this letter to the Federal Bureau of Investigation and Department of Homeland Security so they can add it to my dossier of ‘Un-American’ activities.

Yours Sincerely,
James Alexander Quitney