A Thought

If nobody but I can build myself up, than nobody but I can tear myself down.

Black Whole Son Available!

That's right! Now everybody can purchse a copy of my first book, Black Whole Son. Well not everybody. You have to be 17 and older. Which means it has to be good, right?

What's that? You want to know how to buy my book? You can purchase it at lulu.com.

I've tried to keep it affordable. Only $9.23 for a copy you can hold in your hands and $2.18 for the el cheapo downloadable version. So go get a copy of Black Whole Son right now!

For the Sake of Accuracy

A friend recently posted on their blog:

"But hey- I know better than anyone else that things are not always what they seem."

Not true. My friend Rolfe knows better than anyone else that things are not always what they seem. Anyone who knows Rolfe would most certainly agree. And the rest of us are just posers in the freak kingdom.

Cyberhugging

"Daddy wants to give you a hug. Put on your special suit."

I think most of us can figure out where a suit that can simulate increased temperature and pressure via net interactions will REALLY get used.

Men (and Women) in Black

Shirts!

I had opted not to make shirts for sale at Cafe Press since they had no black option. I have one non-black shirt in my own collection. It dates back to a 1992 Dead Milkmen concert.

But now I can sell Black T-shirts! Pretty freakin' awesome.

These fabulous designs let you show your patriotism and distrust of systems of power simultaneously.

Consume! Consume! Consume!

Note: Every time I try to avoid profanity by using the term 'freakin', the Blogger spell checker suggests I change it to 'foreskin'. Pretty foreskin awesome!

I'm a Winner!

It's official. I submitted my manuscript to NaNoWriMo and was declared a winner. That little icon over there proves it. Or you can check out my profile and see the nifty winner's banner around my picture. Warm fuzziness for certain.

Abolitionists

"…Buckminster Fuller and Werner Erhard have proposed that we can and should abolish starvation by the end of this century.

"This goal is rational, practical, and desirable; so it is naturally denounced as Utopian, fantastic, and absurd.

"I wish to propose a similar goal, which is also rational, practical, amd desirable, and which will also be denounced as Utopian, fantastic, and absurd.

"I suggest a worldwide War against Stupidity."

Hagbard Celine (or Robert Anton Wilson), 1980

Teaser Time!

Dieu LaRue, a devout deviant and playboy, has just found out that his best friend, Howard LaDuke, is about to become a father. In what he sees as a last stab at freedom, he convinces his friend to join him on a cross country journey on motorcycles to chase down a past that never was and a future that can never be. What they are looking for and what they find are not what they expect.

Join Dieu and How as they indulge in sex and drugs and sex and motorcycles and sex and magick and sex in a journey through space and time on a plotted course to an unknowable destination. The answers to all of their questions and misgivings reveal themselves in chaos and order. Their misgivings and questions to all of the answers veil themselves in order and chaos. Who is the Black Whole Son?

A Super Car in Every Garage

Everybody needs a super vehicle. Not a Hummer or some other off the lot piece of crap, I mean a real super machine. But I probably think this way due to my imprints as a youngin' in front of the ol' idiot box. What was I watching? Knight Rider and Dukes of Hazard were favorites of mine. I didn't like Fall Guy, but I always watched the opening scene to see that big custom truck doing crazy stuff. I didn't like Hardcastle and McCormick but would watch it for the car. And remember The Highwayman with that big tractor trailer setup that would transform into a helicopter to go fight evil for the government? I even liked all of the Herbie films. And the Mad Max films. Damn, that was good stuff.

In the late 90's I went nuts over motorcycle films. Easy Rider, Wild Angels, and Rebel Rousers were my favorites. The bikes in those flicks are memorable. I watched many others, but the bikes just didn't have that unique appeal.

In recent years, there are only a couple of extremely unique super vehicles I've seen on television. There's Apu's Firebird and Snake's Lil Bandit. This might have a lot to do with me not watching television and not paying for cable to get some of the stranger shows. I know you've got things like American Chopper and Monster Garage, but that's not the same. You can't develop a relationship with those vehicles. They aren't imprinting. KITT imprinted. STEALTH imprinted. The General Lee imprinted. Captain America imprinted. The Australian Ford Falcon, "The last of the V8 Interceptors," imprinted. (Why do you think Beyond Thunderdome sucked so bad?)

So this Thanksgiving, I give thanks for super vehicles, the customizers behind the scenes that built them for almost no glory, the stunt men that made them look so damn fun, and the actors who were nothing without them. Without you, I would not be who I am today. And my neighbors wouldn't be cursing that I work the night shift.

Meat!

Work gave me a turkey again this year. What the hell am I supposed to do with a 19 lb bird? But hey, at least they gave me something. And there's quite a few people at work who can actually use a turkey like that to feed their family.

So I've invited a couple of people over to try and put a dent in this bird. But everybody's busy. We're doing it Saturday instead.

And we're still going to have a lot of freakin' meat leftover. We'll freeze most of it and eat on that crap for WEEKS!

19 lb bird. Damn.

Super Ultra Uber

Went out and bought groceries. Got home, let the lovely Kris out of the truck with a handfull of bags and keys to get in the door. I pulled up the rest of the way. I loaded down my right hand with five grocery bags and a lunch box. I then looked at the 50 lb. bag of Purina Dog Chow and thought, "Well, it's worth a shot."

Folks, I lifted a 50 lb. bag of dog food out of the bed of the truck with my left arm while carrying groceries in my right hand. I even hoisted it onto my shoulder so I could get in the house easily.

That made me feel pretty freakin' uber.

New Excerpt Posted

After an e-mail from someone who played a rather important role in this book being written, I've decided to post a new excerpt on my NaNo Profile.

Warning, this excerpt is so incredibly Not Safe For Work! Thought you folks wasting precious company time or sticking it to the man might like to know.

Buy Nothing Day 2005

I just wanted all of my readers to know that this Friday, November 25th, is Buy Nothing Day!

That's right. For 24 hours those of us who choose to participate in BND will do so by not participating in consumer culture. Why do I choose to observe BND? Remember the feeding frenzy on toys like Cabage Patch Kids and Tickle Me Elmos? Remember family trying to insist that it wasn't about the presents even though they spent tons of time and cash on gifts? Ever found yourself in a mall during the holiday shopping season surrounded by stressed out shoppers and having to listen to that damn music until your ears bleed? I have a solution for you. This Friday, buy nothing. Shortly after that my book will be available for sale and you can buy it for all your friends! Problem solved. Merry seX-Mas!

So let's all band together and make this the worst first day of the X-Mas shopping season ever! (Sorry X. That's what you get for having your own holiday.)

Perfectly Smutty

I have it on pretty good authority that I have written an NC-17 novel. I didn't mean to. It just sort of happened. And of course nobody who knows me would believe that.

A couple more stops and Black Whole Son will be available for your consumer needs.

Done!

I have done it! In just three weeks time I have written a 50k+ book.

Next step, I will have my beloved read the book and correct all of the frammatical errors. I have left room for mistakes. But Regardless, I have done it. I have succeded!

In your face Space Coyote!

Black Whole Son

Well, that's the title of the book I'm writing. It's gotten me this far and I'm sticking to it. How far is this far? I've got 2,300 words to go. See y'all tomorrow.

Meta-Programming

You know you've got a loser script when you constantly hold everybody else to your own standards and yourself to everyone else's standards.

A winner script should contain holding yourself only to your own standards and realizing that you will never live up to them, so don't sweat it. As for everybody else, don't worry. Don't worry about your coworkers, your friends, your family, your boss, that policeman, the president, or intragalactic invasion.

There is an old Discordian proverb:

When in doubt, fuck it.
When not in doubt, get in doubt.

Groceries and More

At the grocery store buying food and beer.

Checkout Girl: I need to see your ID.

Me: Certainly. (Hand her my driver's license.)

Checkout Girl: (Several glances back and forth.) This almost doesn't look like you.

Me: I've lost a lot of weight.

Checkout Girl: Not to say big isn't beautiful, but you look good.

Yucky!

Maynard James Keenan is known for venting his personal angst through the abstract metal of his former band Tool and the poisoned art rock of his current outfit A Perfect Circle.

Personal angst? Abstract metal? Poisoned art rock? Fucking music critics.

Biker Trash!

AWPC

Jake: Time to go home and write me some biker trash.

So what's the book about? That's what everyone asks.

It's about sex and drugs and sex and motorcycles and sex and magick and, uh, did I mention sex?

When a guy like me sits down and writes whatever comes to mind, well...

Novelty Report

More NaNoWriMo Madness. I've reached the halfway point of over 25,000 words. New excerpt posted.

Something Political

I haven't commented on my run for office. Ever sicne God appointed me emperor I've kind of given up on President. I mean, who wants to balance all of that cover up and spin when as emperor you can just say 'make it so' and behead those who defy you?

But I have a promise to make. If elected, I will do what every president I have ever known has done. I will lie and keep secrets. Not a one hasn't done it. And I promise to keep up with that tradition. Of course as emperor I can tell the truth all the time and behead those who have a problem with it. And that's why I'm telling the truth now when I tell you that as your next President I will lie. You have a problem with that?

Salsa y Ketchup

Well they're big and they're long
And they taste real strong
Down at Karl's Disco Weiner Haven Hey

I got girls in their Chevys
Driving up from the levys
Just for my Dico Weiner Haven Hey

Credit Where Due

I want to publicly thank my dad for coming home from work and constantly bitching about the lazy mother fuckers who just wander from machine to machine socializing. I had no idea what exactly he was talking about and wondered why these people just didn't get fired. Now I see them every day. These people wander about, playing catch with knotted up rags, trying to chat up the girls, and generally ignoring their work area. Then I, as maintenance, have to go over and 'fix' their machines because they're so filthy they are no longer working right. It's my job to fix them, so I spend five minutes cleaning all of the crap out, and they run great. Then these same people wonder why they don't get raises or promotions.

You want to mess around and slack off at work? Fine. Just don't go creating work for me. When I come over and tell you that I cleaned the shit off of one of your sensors, that means you aren't doing your job. When I clean parts out from under the drive unit to keep your belt from jamming, that means you aren't doing your job. When I run pipe cleaners through your rivet tubes so the parts can keep up, that means you aren't doing your job. We're told we have to fix these problems regardless. Well, just don't get pissed when we haven't had time to make replacement parts for when a real problem occurs.

And thanks, dad. Due to your constant gripes about these types of people, I am now one of those hard working individuals who can bitch about the lazy mother fuckers who just wander from machine to machine socializing.

Divinity

If you watch an hour of porn and an hour of the 700 Club, in which would you hear "God" repeated more often?

If you watch an hour of porn and an hour of the 700 Club, in which would you hear "Money" repeated more often?

Brother?

Since moving west I've run into many occurences of people calling me:

1. Buddy
2. Dude
3. Bro

Buddy? Okay, I can handle that friendly familiarity. Dude? Damn, even I've let that one slip a few times now. But Bro? Yeah, I got an issue with that one.

Bro is a shortened form of brother. People in the OTO can call me brother. My wife's sibling can call me brother. My sister can call me brother. Outside of that list, there are only two guys who have called me brother and I believed them. One is big, drinks a lot, and has threatened a good number of my friends with a huge sharpened piece of steel. But he's never threatened me, never would, and when he called me brother, I knew he meant it. The other is a skinny little southwestern anarchist who lived with us here in Portland for a short time. I think he may have even called me bro a few times. There's some other people who could call me brother and I'd believe them, but they haven't yet.

Long story short, hardcore theoretical anarchists, burly Vikings, and cult members can call me brother. The rest of you should be rounded up and shot for extreme misuse of a sacred term. Or maybe gnawed to death by weasels. Yeah, weasels.

Simpsons Quote #1

I used to get Simpsons quotes rampaging through my brain on a very frequent basis. It has clamed considerably these last couple years. But one stuck in my brain today.

Homer: Stupid sexy Flanders.

Beliefs

Several things on beliefs crossed my path recently. I've got some free advice.

Don't believe anything! This can prove quite difficult. I sure have problems with it. Hunches can help. Theories come in handy. Beliefs will trick you.

I don't believe the world has a globe shape. The probabilities seem high. Research data from people I've never met at institutions I have never visited all point to a somewhat globular shaped planet. But if I 'believe' this, I surrendor to the fantasies of the unknown and might as well believe that the earth is actually an inverted sphere. There's some really excellent mathematical measurements that can consistantly prove this. Flat Earthers have some interesting commentary as well that can seem quite persuasive. Evolutionists and 'intelligent design' proponents both speak from their deep seeded beliefs.

Beliefs have a lie in the center of them.

AWPC

Dean: The best maintenance man is the one who has figured out how to not actually do anything.

Chocolate

For those of you who seem to think that Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was better than Tim Burton's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, here's some advice.

PUT DOWN THE CRACK PIPE!

Burton's was superior not just in special effects and cinematography, but was leagues beyond the old one in actual story. Casting and costuming, the two are equal. Gene Wilder plays a great creative old nut as his screenplay called for. Johnny Depp plays an excellent overgrown child as according to his script. The kids and their parents in both did phenomenal work.

NaNoWriMo

People wishing to keep up with my NaNoWriMo progress can view my profile here.

I've got an excerpt posted there that should make it's way into the final in some form. But don't let it fool you. Most of the book is the a proven best seller methodology of sex, drugs, and motorcycles.

Novel Update

I was thinking about how many words are needed to complete the NaNoWriMo challenge. You can hardly call 50,000 words a novel. It's a decent book, maybe a novella. I reached over 8,000 words tonight. If I can keep up this pace I can not only complete the project in time but maybe even have time for some revisions.

And for those wondering if they can read this when I'm done, yes. I will make it available, probably as a self published title. I might even give away a few copies.

Just Watch Me

So I quit my MMORPG so I would have more time to be creative. What flies across my path but NaNoWriMo. I've taken the bait. I've signed up. I will now proceed to write a novel, a grand and craptacular novel, in just one month!

And of course I will keep everyone here updated.

Great Minds

Johnny Cash could cover anybody's songs and they'd sound great.

Anybody could cover Bob Dylan's songs and they'd sound great.

AWPC

Me: I'm playing with isopropyl alcohol and high voltage at the same time! And people wonder why I love my job.

A Simple Realization

When rockers play another artist's tunes, they're a cover band.

So why don't we call the London Philharmonic a cover orchestra?

While I'm Talking About Smoking

A guy at work told me that he was trying to curb his smoking since his little boy now lives with him at least half the week. Then on the next break I had the misfortune of hearing him have a telephone conversation with the mother of the child. (I hate cell phones.) The two of them accused each other of several things, most of it revolving around their son. The two do not live together and their only relationship now is the one they entered into by deciding to bring this child into the world.

My two cents on this. I would rather see a parent chain smoke in a small room with their child than to see the mother and father fighting around and/or about their child constantly. I've known plenty of fine individuals who grew up with heavy smokers. Children of fighting parents, even if the parents don't live together, always seem to have some issues they have to struggle with to overcome, and that's the lucky ones.

So I say to no one in particular; You had enough interest in each other at one time to make this child possible. For your child's sake, let go of the negativity and light up.

Lighting Up

While hanging with the smokers in the break room last night I had an idea. Today I researched it. Let's take a look at my findings.

About 24% of Americans are smokers.

About 400,000 smokers die annually.

About 2,450,000 deaths occur annusally in the US.

That means about 16% of the people who die, were smokers.

Why do I suddenly have the urge to light up?

And here's another little statistic while we're at it. You have a 100% chance of dieing. Yep, every human ever born has either died or will die.

Have a nice day.

AWPC

Worker: So what do you think about being on maintenance?

Me: It's like playing with really intricate Legos all day.

Worker: That's what I'm talkin' about, man.