The Art of Customization

At my last gas stop on Saturday a 40ish gal approached me.

Lady: What's that you're riding?
Jake: 1973 Sportster.
Lady (looking stunned): I used to have one of them, but it didn't look anything like THAT!

That is the power of custimization. Stock is for suckers. If you think buying officially licensed bolt on crap from Harley is customization, you'll get the bland bike you deserve. If you purchase one of those 'production customs' from the likes of Big Dog, BMC, or any of the other V-twin shops, prepare to eventually be ignored as people grow tired of seeing the same 'chopper' over and over.

TAZ isn't even that radical. Ape hangers, 6 inch over forks, a tear drop tank, and an after-market seat. It's nothing compared to my other Sportster, Sera.

I'm a really lucky guy to have two incredible bikes. Anybody willing to save their money can get away with having one.

Environmental Poser

I figured out my mileage from my motorcycle excursion this weekend. While I normally get about 35 mpg around town, on the open road I was getting over 40 mpg. The downside is that I have to purchase high octane fuel, premium. I also use a lead substitute because of the old engine. That costs about $10 a bottle and I have been using the same bottle for over five years and still have over half the bottle. Sometimes I also purchase some octane booster to get the fuel mixture closer to the 100+ octane the thing was meant to run on, but I didn't do that this weekend. When I purchase that it costs about $5 a bottle and will last me about 20 fill ups. Regardless, I was experiencing some decent gas mileage while getting to keep my tough as nails image.

UFO's Natural

UK says UFOs caused by natural forces, not aliens.

"No evidence exists to suggest that the phenomena seen are hostile or under any type of control, other than that of natural physical forces," the report said, according to extracts quoted by the BBC.

Well what a relief. I'm glad to know that when I saw that incredibly huge triangular shape flying directly over my farm and blocking out entire star systems it was just a natural phenomenon. This huge object, impossible to say how large but certainly bigger than several football fields, passed directly overhead at an incredibly slow crawl of a pace with only a whisper of a sound, with several solid lights seemingly attached as though to some sort of impossible aircraft was really just due to unusual atmospheric conditions. It is so comforting to have somebody who wasn't there and didn't see it explain away the mysteries of the experience.

This is an artistic rendition of something very similar to what I saw cruising along at a snails pace nearly silently. It was quite the natural phenomenon.

Nostra-Dumbass

Folks, mark your calendars and let's test the accuracy of the little man in my head.

May 2012 will mark the begining of time travel. By the end of the year, time as we know it will cease to exist.

Shit, can you imagine the effect time travel would have on the stock market? Speaking outside of the dream now, money as we know it would have no purpose. Why save up for a rainy day when you know that next Tuesday there will be showers for 12.7 minutes starting at 2:34pm?

Sweet, sweet lovin.

From Flintlocke's Guide to Azeroth (World of Warcraft for those who don't know). Go read it now. Seriously. Even if you don't play and might not get some of the references, you will still laugh your ass off by the end.

Meat Grinder

All day ride the '73.

Go out for a meal of fried chicken strips, beer battered fries, fried mozzarella sticks, and deep fried mushrooms.

All night drink gin and tonic.

The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real. No sympathy for the Devil, keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride.

Numb-de-dumb

All week I had been craving it and today I finally made it happen. I needed to go for a real motorcycle ride. Not this bang around town shit. The plan was to ride up to Mt. St. Helens, cruise around their for a bit, then ride back. The plan was quickly scrapped as I discovered that signs in Portland that tell you which road to take to get to St. Helens actually point you to the town of St. Helens, Oregon. Live and learn never to trust signs posted by the man.

So instead of 100 miles to Mt. St. Helens and back, I decided to continue along this trail to Astoria, then down to Cannon Beach, and back to Portland for a trip of well over 200 miles. While my body had lost nearly all sensation due to the notorious Sportster buzz, the ride was superb. There were lots of great parts, but one thing stood far and above the rest. Perhaps even a once in a lifetime experience.

As I rode from Seaside to Cannon Beach, I passed a Ferari. I've only ever seen a Ferari on the road once before. They are truly marvelous sports cars. An engineering marvel of high power in a light frame that hugs the road so closely you can hardly tell where one ends and the other begins. Standing still these things looks like they are going fast. And today I learned they sound fast, even if they are only going 20 mph. Have you ever watched one of those films that shows a high speed European grand prix? Ferari's in real life make a sound similar to that in a way that a photo of a steak is similar to having a perfectly cut and cooked t-bone on a plate in front of you.

Then I passed another Ferari. This one was newer, but had the same red paint job, the same fast look, and a nearly identical fast sound. Then there were three more in a group, one of which was silver, all different models and years.

As I pulled into Cannon Beach to grab some lunch, there were Feraris everywhere. A tent downtown welcomed the Northwest Regional Ferari Club Gathering. Porches are junk. I have an affinity for older Corvettes. But these are clearly superior machines. I have seen how Corvettes handle the road. I've driven a big block Vette down a desolate stretch of highway. A Vette is a car. It may be a very fast one, but it is a car. A Ferari is a work of engineering art. There is no road fast enough, none twisty enough, to unleash the demon within these things. If a Corvette is champion warrior, a Ferari is a master assassin.

Up until today, I wasn't a big fan of Feraris. I know I'll never own one no matter how much disposable income I have, but it sure would be fun to drive, just once, preferably some place that has no speed limit or very few cops.

Chapel of Sacred Mirrors

The first time I viewed any of Alex Grey's art, I can remember thinking, "I've been there! I've seen that!" I have tried over and over to reproduce those space/time events in some of my own art. I hope that some day my work can be as succesful at it as his.

Today's Sinfest

Dangerous Freedom

The ride into work today cinched it. The weather was beautiful, temps in the 70's and the sun shining down from a clear sky. And there I am having to wear that stupid fucking helmet. So this June I am loading up one of the bikes in the back of the truck when I head out to Idaho to pick up the VW Bug over the Car d'Lane weekend. Idaho doesn't have a helmet law. I'm going to let my scalp soak up some rays and feel the wind in my 'hawk. Dangerous personal freedom is what I crave. No helmet, no matter how small, can allow me to feel that. And I miss it a LOT!

Working to the Music

The factory doesn't allow radios. For someone like me, this is a blessing. It also means that I hum, whistle, and sing while working. What I have discovered;

When I whistle, there is a 90 percent chance that it will be 99 Red Balloons.

Hast Du etwas Zeit für mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich

When I hum it will usually be Beethoven's 9th. Lovely lovely Ludwig Van.

Freude! Froh Freude!
Freude, schöner Götterfunken
Tochter aus Elysium!

Singing is far more frightening as I break into Hanks Williams' Honky Tonk Girls.

Honky tonk girls, honky tonk girls,
With their big hair and their rhinestones and their pearls.
Honky tonk girls, honky tonk girls,
Well it's Saturday night and I'm gettin' tight with my honky tonk girl.

When I was a grinder operator I used to sing the entire Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack. Glad those days are behind me.

Pro-Life Hypocrits

As someone who hates kids I am appaled by what some pro-lifers are saying about a 63 year old woman who has decided to have a baby.

The reports of Dr Rashbrook's pregnancy have sparked an outcry from pro-life groups.

Josephine Quintavalle, from Comment on Reproductive Ethics (Core), accused Dr Rashbrook of selfishness and said it would be extremely difficult for a child to have a mother who is as old as a grandmother.

So having a baby between the ages of 13 and 40 is God's plan. After that you are evil. Got it.

Personally, anyone who wants to have a kid can go right ahead and do so. I don't care if you do it the old fashioned way, go to a sperm bank, try to clone one in the bath tub, or sit in a seedy hotel room with a turkey baster full of hobo juice. Just have the common sense to leave when the damn thing starts screaming in the movie theater.

Those who know me will confirm that I do not actually hate children and will often be quite nice to them. I just prefer that they belong to someone else and spend as little time around me as possible. At least until they are smarter than me. Then they can hang out for several hours. This usually happens around age 5 and lasts until puberty.

Automatic Teller

After work I decided to stop by Taco Bell. Sometimes it helps to have the whole drive through process so mechanical that you don't even have to hear the person on the other end. If I could have gone inside to order I would have. Drive through service only by the time I get off of work. With engine roaring I pulled up to the speaker.

TB: Wah wah wah Bell. Wah wah wah order wah.
Me: I WOULD LIKE A GRANDE MEAL! FOUR BURITTOS! SIX SOFT TACOS!
TB: Wah wah wah wah grande wah wah wah wah. Wah thing wah?
Me: THAT'S ALL!
TB: Wah wah wah wah wah wah.

I pulled ahead and took out my wallet. The boy at the window said something to me. I looked at the electronic sign and pulled out a ten dollar bill. When he gave me back my change he said something else which was completely lost to my ears.

Me: I'D LIKE SOME FIRE AND SOME HOT!

A few moments later he handed me a bag with some other unintelligible phrase to which I simply nodded. I slipped the tacos into my saddle bag and had an absolutely gorgeous ride home.

Is this like the opposite of my news rant where I bitch about people saying, "You know what I mean"?

History Repeating Itself

Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Iran!

I seem to remember a nearly identical tune blaring over the radio in the barn while my dad milked the cows way back when. Only then everyone I knew thought we really should blow the hell out of them. Seems some Iranians nabbed a bunch of Americans for hostages, made Ronald Reagan look like a hero for getting them released, and ended with something commonly remembered (or mentally blocked) as the Iran-Contra Scandal.

Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Iran!

Fox?

At first I was in shock. Fox, BBC, Al Jazeera most trusted: poll

Fox? I shouldn't have been too shocked since I know a lot of people at work watch Fox News. They say it's the most accurate but if you pry into their heads you soon discover that they watch it because it's more entertaining. They obviously don't know the C-Span drinking game.

But don't worry folks. Here's the catch.

Asked to name the news source they most trusted, without any prompting, 59 percent of Egyptians said Al Jazeera, 52 percent of Brazilians said Rede Globo, 32 percent of Britons said the BBC, 22 percent of Germans said ARD and 11 percent of Americans said Fox News, each leading their respective nations.

Yeah. Quite a bit of a drop off there for Fox. I wonder how many people answered, "I don't trust any of those bastards!"

News Lesson

I am not so interested in this actual news article (Russia will deliver air defense systems to Iran) as I am with one sentence from it.

Despite strong criticism from the United States, Russia has maintained that the systems could be used only to protect Iran's air space.

Did you read that? Read it again. What does this sentence actually say?

When I get on people's cases about wisely choosing how to say things, so often I get, "You know what I meant." Do I? How can you be sure? That line may just be a mistranslation or some semantic sloppiness, but it leapt from the page for me. Compare these two lines.

The systems could be used only to protect.

The systems could only be used to protect.

Exact same words in each of those.

Rant time! This is why I hated the timed reading tests in grade school. I knew it even back then. Speed reading requires you to view a sentence as a whole and not take the time to see the pieces that make it what it is. You gloss over things. You let your brain assemble what it thinks it just saw. Speed reading has no place in legitimate study. Why would a public school want me to speed read? Why would they want me to train my brain to assemble things as I thought they were rather than seeing what was actually there? If you don't see the fnords they can't hurt you.

Luciferian

Let's talk about Satan.

I've known quite a few decent Christians. They exist. Some of them are really nice people. But a good number of them are right bastards. I have been yelled at, threatened, and harassed by Christians. There is no end to the number of lies Christians have told me. Maybe they do this because they will be forgiven for such acts. I don't know.

While I haven't met nearly as many Satanists, either self-professed or actual members of one of the many Satanic churches, I have liked every one I have met. Not a one of them ever threatened me in any way shape or form. They stood by their word and to the best of my knowledge never lied to me. Perhaps it's because they believe they alone are responsible for what they do and say. I don't know.

Abolish the Minimum Wage!

I picked up a lot of supporters at work by telling them my (stolen) idea. Abolish the minimum wage and replace it with a maximum wage. No individual can make more than ten times (x10) what the lowest paid employee makes. If some guy wants to make a million bucks, then everybody under him has to be making at least $100k. If you don't like caps on your income, become self employed and do all the damn work yourself. Technically if you opened a cafe and weren't making any money, you wouldn't have to pay any of your employees. And technically, they wouldn't have to work for your bum ass.

Of course I don't believe that this would solve many corruption issues. No matter how air tight you tried to make it, clever fookers would figure out a way to exploit it. It's just the kind of thing the people want to hear.

Mahamut's story

A BBC article about Life in Somalia had this excerpt from an interview with a Somali. He is currently a scrap metal worker who hammers out the rebar from the cement walls of the former US embassy.

If there is a new government, I would like to go to school and learn something.

But if I could not go to school and had to carry on doing this, at least if there were a government, I would not have to give half the rods to the gunman.

Correct. He would only have to give a third of the rods to the government for taxes. In exchange for that he would get a tetanus shot and his kids would receive a sixth grade level of indoctrination.

Better? Absolutely. They call this anarchy. It isn't so. Anarchy is the absence of law. In Somalia, law is decided by clan warlords. The laws change as you exit one territory and enter another, much like as a motorcyclist has to put on a helmet when they cross from Idaho into Washington. Only the biker probably won't get shot for non-compliance.

PSA:NSFW

For all you wanna-be amateur porn stars back in the homelands, this announcement is a bit late but not too late for you to still get invoved. Shayla La Veaux Takes Her Fan Sexxx Audition Tour To Minnesota. Don't forget your hat.