Great Minds

Are the folks at The Onion reading this blog? Not long after my publishing a statement encouraging the return of hand cranked cars, America's Finest News Source tells me that Ford Returns To Its Roots.

"Today's drivers want to get in touch with the experience of sitting behind the wheel of a finely crafted, planetary-gear vehicle with manual crank shafts," said Ford's president and CEO Alan Mulally, who expects the first line of Model Ts to be available for sale by mid-December and safe for driving as soon as it is neither snowing nor raining.

"Frankly, I think we've gotten so concerned with adding frills like GPS navigational systems, seat belts, and exhaust pipes that we've forgotten what really matters: open-air bench seating," Mulally said. "We promise that each Model T that comes off the line will last much, much longer than today's cars. Face it, we just don't make them like we used to."

And thanks once again to The Onion (and Bill O'Rielly) I now have a comprehensive plan for dealing with terrorists. Maybe we should try coddling them.

The "blame America first" crowd wants to invite these crazed Islamic extremists to visit Main Street USA, and I say let's give it a shot. Let's invite them into our homes, put them up in the guest bedroom with the good linens, and fluff up their pillows real nice. But let's not stop there. Let's take those heartless murderers out to our finest restaurants, order them appetizers and wine and dessert and then pick up the tab.

Look, folks, we don't really have a lot of options left. We've spent six long years fighting this war, and I don't feel any more safe than I did when we began. So why not call up this Muqtada al-Sadr fellow and tell him that the whole Iraqi shooting match is his for the taking?

We should also work out a deal where we supply the Middle East with American and European porn. Those poor guys don't even get an uncensored version of the JCPenney catalog to take with them to the rubble pile where their bathroom used to be.

I also think it's high time we invited Castro and Chavez to join us for brunch. Or maybe just send them a bubble bath sampler.