Leader rails at teen breast implants gift fad

NEWS ALERT!

This is just outrageous. OUTRAGEOUS!

President Hugo Chavez railed against a new trend in beauty-conscious Venezuela, giving girls breast implants for their 15th birthday.

Did I mention this is outrageous? It's outrageous! And... um... Well let's see what else they have to say.

Venezuela is well known for its beauty queens, who have regularly won world crowns, and many women have plastic surgery in the oil-rich country where there is widespread spending on consumer items that would be considered luxuries elsewhere.

Yes, outrageous! Silly oil rich consumerists spending their money on larger, vuluptuous, melons that should rightfully be soaking in the natural sun light on South American beaches and, wait... where was this going?

Chavez complained about the new fad of giving the plastic surgery operation at 15 -- when Latin Americans celebrate a girl's coming-of-age -- during a diatribe against what he says are Western-imposed consumerist icons such as Barbie dolls.

Yes! Parents should wait until their daughters are 18 so they might spend their winters in Portland, Oregon (where it would be summer) doing public relations work at strip clubs.

Viva la Bolivarian Revolution!

The Race Card

Today I realized a void in my campaign. What have I done to attract African American voters? Nothing. I haven't done anything to piss them off, either. But frankly, I think the only African Americans that I might have some appeal to are militant, radical, black power sorts. Which is really cool. But let's be honest. To them I'm just some crazy honky. And maybe a few gay black men fantasize about me, but only if they're into Bears. And only 65% of the population votes based on sex appeal.

I guess the one thing we have in common is that whitey is likely to call the cops when we cruise through their suburban delusion. And I have an appreciation and fondness for badunkadunk. If that's good enough for you, then welcome aboard and don't forget to Vote Jake. Fight the Power!


African American Boycott of L.L. Bean Enters 80th Year

Australia targets workshy surfers

According to BBC News the Australian government is trying to force people to work.

Ministers say that some coastal towns have 'stubbornly' high unemployment where people refuse to work and choose instead to surf and relax on the beach.

This is an obvious attack on a traditional way of life! Surfing was invented on the island of Hawaii and since its inception it has been associated with a free and easy lifestyle of plucking fruit from trees, cathching a few fish, and laying around on the beach. To deny this lifestyle is a cultural crime.

The Australian economy has enjoyed 15 years of strong growth, and unemployment is at a 30-year low.

But ministers are concerned that jobless rates in some seaside towns are way above the national average.

It's really all about jealousy and guilt. Folks feel far too guilty about leaching off a faked monetary system so they force themselves to work. They then are jealous of those who have no qualms with taking advantage of that system.

Australia's conservative government has made full employment a key objective ahead of a general election later this year.

By full employment I think they meant to say 'full dependence on an employer instead of leaching off the tax dollars of suckers who work'.

One option would be to force people to work for their welfare benefits a lot sooner than they have to at the moment.

I have a better idea. Of course I do. And a new course for America that we may not stray like our Australian (cough, cough, sheepshaggers, cough) cousins. If there is one lesson to be garnered from the latter half of the twentieth century, it is that money is given or taken, not earned. The idea of working hard to earn the rewards of a better life was proven false after a short stint in the middle of the century seemed to suggest just that. No, now we know that riches are a matter of luck and heredity. So screw working hard! Let's build machines that will do all of our work for us. We shall call them 'robots' and they shall be our mechanical servants. The goal is to replace every single American worker, from the factory workers and garbage collectors to the baristas and fast food workers and doctors and lawyers and pan handlers. Let's make it our goal that no American shall ever again have to work. Otherwise we may end up in Australia's predicament looking for foreigners to fill jobs.

Without this army of foreign accountants, health professionals and hairdressers, there are fears that Australia's booming economy could begin to stumble after years of strong growth.

Yes, accountants and hair dressers imported from foreign lands. Scary!

Personally, I kind of like working. But I'd like it a whole lot more if I could call it 'playing' and didn't have to do it. Just look at how much 'work' people will do in their free time without getting paid so much as a wooden nickel.

Bread and Circuses for All! Beer and Surfing is a suitable alternative.

Smart and Sexy

Being smart can make you sexier.

But being sexy won't make you smarter.

Unless you're a kick ass stripper making enough in tips to pay your way through grad school.

Being smart and sexy is one of the worst lifelong curses that can befall a woman. Society isn't too kind to such individuals. But if you start explaining the Minimal Supersymmetric Standard Model to me in a way that makes sense, I'll probably stare at your eyes instead of your tits... though I still might be slack jawed and drueling.

So stay in school.

The Crime of Sin

The United States has become a den of sin, a perpetrator of crimes against humanity. Alcohol, tobacco, sex, porn, drugs, prostitution, gambling. In a decent society these things would be readily available to all who wanted to indulge in such. But we live in a country where the morality of the minority dictates the crimes of the masses. And we as a country continue to support a government that stands behind such sinful behavior.

If I were to wake up in the middle of the night and wanted a blow-job without disturbing my wife, why should I not be able to hire a willing prostitute to perform this service? And what If I wanted to smoke a combination of cavendish tobacco and fine turkish hash in my pipe while said prostitute felates me? Should that trouble you? And if I challenge the prostitute to a game of roulette where the winner is determined by where my semen lands as a crowd of individuals watch us and place bets while drinking forties, is that really any of your business? It is you who would restrict such behavior who are the true sinners.

Great Minds

Are the folks at The Onion reading this blog? Not long after my publishing a statement encouraging the return of hand cranked cars, America's Finest News Source tells me that Ford Returns To Its Roots.

"Today's drivers want to get in touch with the experience of sitting behind the wheel of a finely crafted, planetary-gear vehicle with manual crank shafts," said Ford's president and CEO Alan Mulally, who expects the first line of Model Ts to be available for sale by mid-December and safe for driving as soon as it is neither snowing nor raining.

"Frankly, I think we've gotten so concerned with adding frills like GPS navigational systems, seat belts, and exhaust pipes that we've forgotten what really matters: open-air bench seating," Mulally said. "We promise that each Model T that comes off the line will last much, much longer than today's cars. Face it, we just don't make them like we used to."

And thanks once again to The Onion (and Bill O'Rielly) I now have a comprehensive plan for dealing with terrorists. Maybe we should try coddling them.

The "blame America first" crowd wants to invite these crazed Islamic extremists to visit Main Street USA, and I say let's give it a shot. Let's invite them into our homes, put them up in the guest bedroom with the good linens, and fluff up their pillows real nice. But let's not stop there. Let's take those heartless murderers out to our finest restaurants, order them appetizers and wine and dessert and then pick up the tab.

Look, folks, we don't really have a lot of options left. We've spent six long years fighting this war, and I don't feel any more safe than I did when we began. So why not call up this Muqtada al-Sadr fellow and tell him that the whole Iraqi shooting match is his for the taking?

We should also work out a deal where we supply the Middle East with American and European porn. Those poor guys don't even get an uncensored version of the JCPenney catalog to take with them to the rubble pile where their bathroom used to be.

I also think it's high time we invited Castro and Chavez to join us for brunch. Or maybe just send them a bubble bath sampler.

Post #930 - Important!

In case there are people who didn't realize, this blog has returned to being just about my campaign. If it doesn't have to do with my impending ascension to Galactic Overlord the Presidency then it is over on Repeated Expletives: along with the work of other contributors. Well, mostly one other contributor. You probably shouldn't go there. But if you're really into videos of dancing vibrators and musings on architecture it might be worth a visit. And the design is very clean. But it's mostly self indulgent public ego masturbation. You know, like every blog.

Road Rules

There have been quite a few times when I've come up on an intersection normally controlled by a signal to find that the signal was malfunctioning. What ensued was typically some wildly chaotic courtesy. Apparently others have noticed a similar phenomenon and decided to put it into regular practice. From Reuters:

A town council in Germany has decided the best way of improving road safety is to remove all traffic lights and stop signs downtown. From September 12, all traffic controls will disappear from the center of the western town of Bohmte to try to reduce accidents and make life easier for pedestrians.

In an area used by 13,500 cars every day, drivers and pedestrians will enjoy equal right of way, Klaus Goedejohann, the town's mayor, told Reuters.

This wild scheme doesn't go too far enough! Remove all traffic laws. Let people, cars, bicycles, donkeys, and elephants share the roads equally. Allow sidewalks to be used as landing strips for flying vehicles. Let the lakes be accessible by those able to walk on water. Ban seatbelt and helmet laws. Bring back the dirigible. Learn to levitate.

All Apologies

Disney backs star after her apology for nude photo.

'I want to apologize to my fans, whose support and trust means the world to me,' Hudgens said in a statement issued about a day after the photo surfaced. 'I am embarrassed over this situation and regret having ever taken these photos. I am thankful for the support of my family and friends.'

In a statement, Disney said it hoped Hudgens had learned a valuable lesson. 'Vanessa has apologized for what was obviously a lapse in judgment.'

For shame! (See the picture here.)May shame and disgrace be on Miss Hudgens and on Disney for supporting her. I do not apologize for any nude photos taken of me. Nor do I apologize for any pornography in which I may have appeared.

Sex is what brings us naked into this world. But it is by the grace of God that we feel shame for nakedness and sex.

So I do not apologize for any nudity or sex, artistic or prurient, that may have been filmed, videoed, painted, sculpted, holographed, or otherwise recorded and/or rendered. So click here for Naked Jake Photos!

Mother's Milk

For years Hillary has looked strong, rock steady. But as the campaign continues it seems she is looking more and more like Marion Ross. Brilliant! That is straight out of the Reagan play book.

FTW?

At one time in my life, seeing the letters FTW meant one thing and one thing only. Throughout the 1970's and 80's and even into the 90's it meant this and as far as I knew, nothing else. It was primarily seen scrawled on garments and posters of the punk rock and outlaw biker scenes.

As Harley-Davidson changed its image... well they didn't really change their image. They took the wild and free image of working class and outlaw bikers and repackaged it into a consumer bundle. Brilliant strategy. So as people with money bought into the image created for them by people with some real creative potential, FTW patches began to appear on their clothing as well. Someone sold them the idea that it meant Forever Two Wheels, the sign of a true biker.

As online video gaming gained momentum and players started to create their own acronyms for ease of communication in a restricted environment, FTW showed up. To those who knew the original meaning the new phrases were confusing. People typing messages like Sniper Rifle FTW, Plus One Mace FTW, Helm of Illusionary Grandeur FTW! But they didn't mean it in the old sense. FTW now meant For The Win.

For those who don't know, FTW originally meant Fuck The World. It was sage advice. How many of the world's problems could be solved if people simply heeded those three letters. Fuck The World!

As President I would not be in a position to require even one day of such activity. But I could create a FAD, Fuck America Day. It would be a day when everyone threw off their inhibitions, stripped naked in the streets, and engaged in an orgy of carnal delights. One day out of the year when we could all lay down our differences and come together as Americans. I will be happy to create a FAD in hopes that some day we can FTW. Until then, Fuck America! With abortions for some, and miniature American flags for others!

(If we do it often enough it might even reduce the nation's obesity problem.)

Joining the Team

Last weekend saw the expansion of the "Vote Jake" team with the addition of a campaign manager. My friend and colleague Rolfe (pictured at right) has agreed to fill this role. His credentials include once creating a one page campaign leaflet and successfully defusing the 'Wrestling Scandal' of 1990 using the ever-so-popular political strategy I like to call the Ostrich Maneuver. Outside of the political spectrum he was the genius behind Kleenex with Nonoxynol-9, for a safer blow. And he appeared in and was Executive Producer (uncredited) of the cult classic A View to a Clone.