Making the Cut

In my teen years I practiced an art participated in by many teens; self-mutilation. I would take a knife, razor blade, hypodermic needle, safety pin, or other such device and cut myself. I couldn't tell you why, for certain. But I did it repeatedly and enjoyed the experience.

At work, I cut myself often. This week I rediscovered one of the sensations I had often felt when mutilating myself back in high school. If you take a sharp cutting instrument like a hypo, scalpel, razor, etc, and make a slice across your skin, you can hardly feel the cutting at all and you can cut quite deep without even noticing it. I did this once with a razor blade to my right arm, leaving a huge scar which I eventually covered with a tattoo. I probably should have stitched it up. I could have done it myself. But the fascinating part about this sort of cut is not the cut itself. Once the cut is made, it feels as though you could actually peel back the skin. You feel that if it weren't for bleeding to death, it would be possible to skin yourself alive, leave your 'shell' behind, and walk about truly naked. There is a sensation that one might call pain, but you can view it as just another sensation that doesn't have to rule your actions. Frightening and beautiful simultaneously. I gave myself my first tattoo by cutting open lines with an exacto knife and laying in india ink. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, but it does work. It is best done with long, gentle curves. I made short, sharp turns. Regardless, at the end of the tattoo I felt as though I could peel back the area circumscribed and look at the muscles underneath. It was worth the experience.

With that fresh in my mind, I have thought about skin this week. I have thought about how often it feels like an armored container for what we really are.

Burns, which I also got one of this week, do not have this effect. Instead they remind you of just how vulnerable and sensitive your shell really is. They can serve as a reminder as to why we walk around inside of our skins instead of out.

Finally, a note to all. 100% pure isopropynol is a quick way to discover if you actually cut yourself. Also, it doesn't hurt nearly as much on burns as it does on cuts.