Reflections on a Day at the Beach

The ocean is big. Really, really big. Every time I drive out to the coast and catch my first glimpse of the Pacific I am reminded of this. It always amazes me. To pull around a corner and see the ocean stretching out forever over a cliff is an awesome sight. Two thirds of this planet is covered by water and almost no humans live there. We've still got a lot of resources available once we get our act together and start actually utilizing them. The long stretches of Kansas and Montana pale in comparison to the expanse of never ending ocean glistening in the sun.

The taboo against public nudity is one of the most absurd things our so-called enlightened populace clings to. Having to wrap a towel around your torso to put on a wetsuit at the beach is annoying. Given that public nudity is still a crime, thank goodness for bikinis. The beach was packed with teenagers, college girls, and even several young mothers in two-piece suits. Even better was walking along the beach, half blind from lack of corrective lenses while surfing and trying to find the spot where I had stashed my gear, and happening upon a gal breaking the law by sunbathing topless. While there are plenty of individuals who I could happily live out my days without ever seeing in the buff, for every ten of them there is one woman out there that would make the removal of the restrictions on public nudity worthwhile. As a presidential candidate I swear to do everything in my power to correct the injustice to human beauty. Want to piss off those Islamic fundamentalists who seem to think women should be kept in bags? Want to strike a blow against 'them'? Legalize public nudity.

Lastly, an eight foot board still displaces too much water in mushy surf when ridden by a big guy like myself. Aside from the first 45 minutes during which I caught my best ride to date, the rest of the day was small white water breaks. With the exception of a couple of experienced surfers the only people catching waves were small folks with big boards. Lots of belly riding. Now I understand those guys who will bring two or three boards to the beach.

AWPC

Him: Did you get new rims on your truck?

Me: No, my wife just washed them.

I Hate You Ronald Reagan

Her: Would you say pot or alcohol is worse?

Me: I wouldn't say one is worse than the other, just some people are worse than others.

Her: I'm just asking everyone because I'm pissed off. They got rid of (guy) for smoking pot. He's been here three years and never called in and always did his job and they piss test him and he's out of here for something he maybe did two weeks ago.

Me: I blame Reagan. Work place drug testing was his deal.

Her: What an asshole! He was a Republican, right?

Me: Yeah.

Her: God. Him and Bush. What fuckers!

Post no. 907!

My high school reunion is tomorrow. As promised, I will be surfing instead.

Timing

It isn't very often that you can empty both the peanut butter and jam jars while making a sandwich. Even rarer to do it the evening before recycling pick-up. Pretty sweet.

Never Thought of it Before

Is there anything more American than Chinese take-out?

Knight of Pan: How Many Jobs Do Illegals Take?

My good friend Knight of Pan likes to complain about how many jobs illegal immigrants steal from Americans. I'll usually take the opposite side of the issue when he posts because I like playing devil's advocate. I also like calling myself devil's advocate. Satan's Sponsor? I like that as well. But my esteemed running mate beat me to it today. Which is good. It allows me to be a bit more serious about this issue.

As a coworker loves to point out, we used to call them illegal aliens because they didn't belong here. Now we call them illegal immigrants. How long until we stop calling them illegal? That's the xenophobic point of view and it is extremely valid. This is a country made up of laws. These laws only work when everybody follows them. A person who violates the law is gaining some sort of unfair advantage over other people. Exceed the speed limit and you can get to your destination faster than others. J-walking will get you across the street faster than someone who uses only the designated crossing areas. Tax evasion allows you to keep more money than your honest neighbor. Robbing someone gives you the things that person has accumulated without having to acquire them through labor, inheritance, or luck. Hire illegal aliens and you can avoid paying top dollar and benefits. As Mr. Burns once said, cheating is the gift man gives himself. The rule of law is there to keep people from acquiring an unfair advantage. They say all men are equal in the eyes of the law and that is the implied theory. We won't get into how far removed from the truth that is, but the theory is sound.

Now imagine you live in Vietnam. You earn about $100 a month. You hate it there. After your taxes, rent, and food you are left with about $5 each month as spending/savings money. Everyone in your family, rather than spending that $5 each month, saves it. It comes to about $20 a month. You know that in order to enter the United States as a student, get a place to live, and to apply for a student work visa, you'll need at least $1,500. That means it will take you over six years just to get yourself into the US. In order to maintain that visa, you have to stay in school. In order to afford school and a place to live you must keep working full time. By the time you are done paying for school, food, and rent, you've got about $20 a month to spend and you send it all back to your family in Vietnam so they can come to America as well. Meanwhile you apply for citizenship and wait, hoping they will keep granting you work visas because you sure as hell don't want to go back to Vietnam. And your whole extended family is counting on you. They want out of a country where they don't agree with the politics. All the while you are paying taxes and social security into a system that you may never see a single benefit out of if next year they decide to kick you out. Knowing that this is exactly what a coworker of mine has been going through for several years now, I can see the appeal of crossing illegally. If you're pretty and clever, you'll hook up with a citizen and get married. Quick and easy immigration. You can't blame people for wanting to improve their lives. If you were in a similar situation you would curse the country that tried to prevent you from escaping your plight.

Yep, immigration is a really fucked up issue with only one real solution that will more than likely never happen. Get rid of all borders and all governments and you no longer have to deal with legal and illegal immigrants/aliens. That is just a utopian pipe dream. One can only hope that people will achieve a level of sophistication where they perceive each other as true equals and no longer require imperfect laws that try to enforce equality.

Stupid people unable to perceive each other as equals. Glad I'm smarter than them.

Campaign Promise: Off With Their Heads!

We Americans love to import things from China. As a true American who can relate to true Americans like yourself, I promise to import from China. Not just goods, but ideas. While an individual should be held accountable for their actions, a corporation or government agency is in charge of groups of people and therefor should have a much larger degree of accountability. When China's equivalent of the Food & Drug Administration failed the public, his actions were on behalf of all the people of China. China did the only reasonable thing in such a grievous situation, and executed him. I think Scooter Libby's failures are worthy of execution. Rumsfeld botched the Iraq war to the extent that it should be an executable offense. The heads of the FBI and CIA should be put on pikes on public display for their surveillance failures leading up to 9-11. I mean it really was their fault, right? Greenspan's head should definitely be chopped. Why couldn't he keep inflation under control? Janet Reno's handling of Waco is also worthy of a death sentence.

And I swear to conduct myself like a true politician and promise to back pedal and flip-flop if I am elected. There is no way I would want to be held to that level of accountability. Then again, I don't really want to be President and you should all be very scared of anyone who does and threaten them with extreme physical violence if they fuck up.

Or you could just accept personal responsibility for your own health and safety.

Water

In response to Gravel's Rock and Fire campaign videos, I give you Water.

Happiness

There are three things that no matter how bad, seem to always put a smile on my face.

1. Riding my chopper
2. Going surfing
3. Fucking

Is it mere coincidence that all three involve something long and rigid?

All Apologies

I'm sorry. So sorry. This is supposed to be a place where I (sometimes) campaign for the highest office of the land. I've gone about this all wrong. But I'm willing to admit my mistakes and move forward.

After reading through all of the latest campaign crap in places like the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, CNN I am redesigning my campaign to match the high standards of the other politicians.

So like, oh my god, I can't believe Hillary was campaigning with that man whore of a husband of hers. And Obama is just jealous of Hillary. That's why he attacks her all the time. I mean who the hell is he anyway? And Rudy's just coasting on his 9-11 credentials, which is like, oh my god, if I had been there, things would have gone so much better. And don't even get me started on that Republican lap dog McCain.

In short, my opponents are all unphotogenic geezers without the sex appeal necessary to win the popularity political poll.

Vote Jake!

Odds

The odds that a person will win the Powerball jackpot are 1 in 146,000,000.

The odds of winning a state lottery are 1 in 14,000,000.

The odds of being attacked by a shark are 1 in 8,000,000.

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 300,000,000.

So it comes as no surprise that people who are scared to death of getting eaten by a shark will often feel safe playing lottery games. Hell, the odds of me becoming President are 1 in 10,000,000 and that hasn't stopped me.

Pantagleize

See Jake as the bad guy... again.

Sell Your Soul

I sold my soul to Puscifer. So far all I've gotten out of the deal was an e-mail. Since I've sold my soul left and right for quite some time, I guess it's really more of a time share deal. I won't offer to sell it to any of my friends. It's been abused. Like my shirts, boots, and chopper. Gives it character.