Political Sex

With the recent hubbub in the news about political sex scandals, I think the time has come for me to touch upon this issue. I don't mean to tap my foot several times and touch the shoe of the guy in the stall next to me. Bathroom sex is for dirty perverts and extreme closet cases, of which I am only one. And the one that I am does not require secret codes... unless we're playing "Spy vs. Spy".

When it comes to sex it is high time that all people finally openly admit that they engage in sex acts because it is pleasurable. As such, the idea that there is a right or wrong situation in which people should engage in sexual contact is a laughably antiquated notion. Beliefs of strict sexual propriety should be reserved for "Head Master and the Naughty School Girl" night.

This does not mean that everyone should rush out and have gay sex while wrapped in latex. I am just suggesting that having a taboo or even laws against a pleasurable activity engaged in by one or more consenting adults and the items required to fulfill these fantasies is ridiculous. At home with a blow-up doll or in the middle of Yosemite with a few dozen of your closest friends, sexual restriction is one of the stupidest things man ever invented. Rather than trying to ban types of sex you find abhorrent, try this instead: DON'T DO THOSE THINGS!

For instance, I get positively nauseated by the very idea of necrophilia. To me it seems disgusting, unsanitary, and unsafe. But if we consider it in clear and rational terms, there is nothing technically wrong with it. A corpse is no longer a legal entity in the eyes of the law, so you can't claim rape. Nobody can claim ownership of the corpse, so there is no desecration of private property. So while the idea seems sick and disgusting to me, that is a personal judgment, not a basis for law. If you want to keep some pervert from humping your dearly departed mother, keep her someplace where you can at least charge the violator with breaking and entering or grave robbing.

Same goes for sex with dead animals. I can't understand people would want to stick bratwursts in their vaginas or anus when there are lovely plastic and glass dildos readily available for masturbatory satisfaction, many with vibratory functions no hot dog has. It just isn't our place to pass laws prohibiting "Wicked Wiener Wednesdays" or naked Jello wrestling.

John Edwards turns on his fellow Democrats

Apparently I don't hold a monopoly on running a campaign based on attracting the lunatic fringe elements.

'The choice for our party could not be any clearer,' (John Edwards) continued. 'We cannot replace a group of corporate Republicans with a group of corporate Democrats, just swapping the Washington insiders of one party for the Washington insiders of the other.'

Of course, he never named the fellow travelers targeted by his broadside. But he left plenty of clues, given Hillary Clinton's time in the White House and Barack Obama's record fundraising. 'The American people deserve to know that their presidency is not for sale,' he said, 'the Lincoln Bedroom is not for rent, and lobbyist money can no longer influence policy in the House and the Senate.'

I'm usually not one to just burst out laughing, but that is comedy. Is there anyone out there who actually believes that a President, any President, even me, is beyond corruption? That's not the way power works. But it's a hell of a good joke.

Campaign Poster (NSFW?)

Presidential Position Statement

Any and all laws preventing people from raising goats within city limits must be abolished. The laws are clearly the inside workings of the powerful lawn mower lobby and the Christian Coalition. As Americans it is our right to tend our property however we see fit. If that includes letting goats graze in the front yard, so be it. But even more frightening is how the Christian Coalition managed to pass ordinances in metropolitan centers all the way down to small villages that prohibit the raising of goats, a known symbol of the Dark Lord, while they continue to put nativity scenes in their yards each year. For longer and longer periods of time, I might add. Who are the truly evil ones?

Bring back the urban goat! And let immigrants from Australia, New Zealand, Scotland, and Iowa have their sheep.

Free Range Urban Goats for Victory!

...and Vote Jake!

A Presidential Promise

Remember the days when butane lighters were easy to use? There were no safety devices on them that prevented children and the physically challenged from using them. Kids were constantly lighting themselves and others on fire. It was a mess. But we changed all that and made America a better and safer place.

That is why I now propose we apply that same thinking to the vehicles we drive. Today in America anyone who wants to drive a car need only put their key in the ignition and give it a slight twist. The result is millions of Americans who are not physically equipped to handle a motor vehicle are able to drive cars, trucks, motorcycles, and RVs. We need to remove this hazard to the safety of Americans. I propose that all new vehicles sold in the US be equipped with and all existing vehicles be retrofitted with manual starting devices and stripped of their electric starters. If a person is to have the responsibility of operating a motor vehicle we need to ensure they have the physical capability of doing so. If a person does not have the physical strength to manually turn over and start their vehicle with a hand or foot crank (or the mental foresight to park on a hill), do they have what it takes to safely operate that vehicle? Can a person with a small, fragile frame truly understand the problems associated with the maneuvering of a large mass such as a Winnebago or Hummer? Wouldn't they be better suited to a Vespa with a side-car? Or maybe a Schwinn.

We put safety caps on medications to prevent children and the enfeebled from consuming pills that could prove harmful to themselves and others. Shouldn't we do the same with our vehicles? And just think of the reduction in dependence on foreign oil when nobody is able to start their SUV!

Totally Warped

Punk's not dead, but it is under new ownership. It's not a bad thing, just strange to witness.

First off, thanks to Bob of Flogging Molly for getting us the hook-up. Most importantly, after spending $12 on two half pints of IPA, it was great to go back to the bus and be offered a beer. I'd swear that Flogging Molly gets better Guinness. Maybe it just soaks up all the good vibrations from the band. And Flogging Molly certainly puts some boot to the glutes.

The real story is in witnessing how the Warped Tour functions. Sorry, the Vans Warped Tour sponsored by AT&T. Don't get too down on the commercialism. For a relatively low ticket price of $32 a person can see several big name bands like Pennywise, Bad Religion, New Found Glory, The Toasters, Tiger Army, and of course, Flogging Molly. With the multiple stage set-up, they never have to wait for the next act like they would at a standard venue. And if they aren't interested in the current events on the main stages, there are a whole bunch of smaller stages where they can check out some new comers to the scene. Or they can go stand in line for ages to get autographs from their favorite band, receive free stuff from AT&T wireless, or just use the ATM. Seriously, the ticket is a bargain for concert hound kids on a budget. And with skateboarders, Mexican wrestlers, continual music, and constant band signings there is enough going on to keep even the worst case of ADHD entertained.

At least half the crowd was younger than my old studded belt. At least half the crowd was wearing studded belts that will not last half as long as mine has. Just in case they forgot to wear their studded belt, several booths offered them for sale on location. In fact, about the only item of scene clothing you couldn't buy there were pants. Maybe I just missed that booth. These kids have grown up in the Hot Topic era where everything they need to look like a goth/punk/emo kid is right there in the mall (with the end result being that they look like they shopped at Hot Topic). The items available at the Hot Topic booth were considerably more selective. Because of the target age group, there was no piercing or tattooing taking place.

But this was less of a concert and more of a freak scene convention. At every convention you'll see hordes of people running around talking on their phones with a plastic grab bag full of freebies and impulse purchases clutched in their hands. The faces and the labels were all that had changed. Given enough time it is easy to imagine half these bands getting together for the Home Depot Emo Renovation Tour. Are you ready to DRYWALL!? Don't worry kids, you've got a good ten years yet. Enjoy it while you can. And buy lots of your favorite band's merchandise so they can afford to eat and will live to be on the Home Depot Renovation Tour (presented by Morgan Stanley).

On the novel side, this was my first large scale exposure to Emo culture. The core of Emo is similar to that of the suburban alternal kids of the grunge era with a bit more goth, metal, and punk stirred in for seasoning and baked for a couple hours every weekend. Emo girls are anorexic waifs (or ones too chicken to puke) with heavy eyeliner and the hair of Rod Stewart dyed black. The boys are too. As for the music, I never lived in the 'burbs so it doesn't mean anything to me. At least I'm guessing that's why I don't get it. The alternative explanation would just be unnecessarily mean.

But I can't get down on the show's scene. None of these kids seemed put out at all by my being there. In fact, there were several who inquired about where I got my kilt and boots. Having grown up being put down for my outward appearance with total disregard for my abilities and still having to face such discriminations, it is wonderful to see broader acceptance of alternative fashion statements. Piercings of the nose, lip and brow I once performed on myself and friends using safety pins and farm hypos are now seen everywhere and available for purchase at shops in cities and towns everywhere. And nothing says acceptance like a teenager willing to lay out a fist full of dollars (or their parent's credit card) to look just like you.

Too bad none of them are old enough to vote for me.

How to be Emo

BBC NEWS | Asia-Pacific | Rudd apology for strip club visit

Why is a prominent Autralian politician apologizing for going to a strip club?

The leader of Australia's opposition Labor Party has apologised for visiting a strip club in New York while representing his country at the UN.

Kevin Rudd went to the club in Manhattan in September 2003 during a visit to the city as a UN observer.

Mr Rudd has released a statement apologising for any offence which his actions may have caused...

A bookish intellectual with a strong Christian faith, Kevin Rudd has a slightly dull, even nerdy public persona.

I don't apologize for visiting a strip club in September of 2003. Nor do I apologize for visiting a strip club at any other time that year or any other year. Except maybe that one where there was so much perfume in the air I had to leave within five minutes. I both regret and apologize for entering that establishment.

Random Endorsements

I typed my name into the Ad Slogan Generator and Movie Quote Generator. The initial results spat out the following.

Make It A Jake Night.

Come with Jake if you want to live.

When considered together, that's one hell of an endorsement. Random chance loves me.

Venezuela's Chavez proposes six-hour workday | U.S. | Reuters

In case anybody wonders why Chavez is so popular in Latin America...

President Hugo Chavez proposed a constitutional change on Wednesday to reduce Venezuela's maximum workday to six hours as part of broader legal changes to advance his self-styled socialist revolution.

Not wanting to be upstaged, I propose America adopt a maximum six hour work week! We're ultimately shooting for zero, but we must do these things in stages. We must escape our go-go meth habits and transition slowly into an MDMA (Ecstasy) economy. While doing this we can begin the import of large quantities of marijuana (until we can meet demand domestically) and increase availability of psychedelics. Until this transition is complete, people will not be prepared for total avoidance of work.

Candidates Compete For Vital Idgit Vote

In The Know: Candidates Compete For Vital Idgit Vote

VOTE JAKE!

He's better than Hitlery, Obama bin Laden, or Deadwards.

JAKE! JAKE! JAKE! JAKE! JAKE!

AWPC

Dude: I just laid there and couldn't get to sleep.

Guy: Have you tried reading?

Dude: It would have to be a pretty boring book. If it's engaging it would just keep me up and locked into it.

Me: Maybe that's why so many people read the Bible.

Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat

Better Understanding

A guy at work was wearing a shirt that read 'But I Just Can't Fix Stupid.' My first inclination was to dismiss it as irony. But then the realization rang terrible and true. This man wasn't stupid, he was average and irony would have been completely lost on him.

I have a tendency to overestimate average intelligence. So every time I find a reminder of what the average level is really like, I'm shocked. It can really depress a person. I don't mind average folks, but half the people are even dumber than that.

Post 911! Scary isn't it?

While I've been combating a private war on immune system terror for the past few days, I can tell that I am finally winning. While my nose is still clogged and my head still fogged, my disposition has improved. I no longer feel the need to sleep for at least 12 hours a day. The thought of making it two hours without collapsing no longer seems so daunting. The most important indicators of success in this war are the signs of genuine liberation. I am craving booze, motorcycles, surfing, and strippers.