Lucky Day

It has been a day of bad luck turned good. It really all started yesterday. While getting ready for work, I couldn't find my sunglasses. I've been wearing the same style green tinted sunglasses since high school. It felt strange not having them. At the end of my shift while trying to kick start the chopper, she kicked back at me. Sportsters have been known to kick back hard enough to toss someone off the bike and I've even heard of broken feet from those silly enough to try starting an old bike while wearing sneakers. My chop kicked back hard enough to snap off the shoulder bolt I had been using as a kicker pedal for the past year. With a very sore foot I jumped on the end of the kicker bar until she was going.

My first item of business for the day was to replace the pedal. The initial plan was to give her back the old one. I had taken it off a couple of years ago when the '73 snapped her kicker bar. The old popsicle pedal was still in the closet attached to that broken bar. I decided to give that one a shot since I really just needed the pedal, not the whole assembly. With the old broken set up in hand, I went to the other closet for my wrenches. Sitting on top of my tool box were my sunglasses. While I have always been a master of chaos organization techniques, that one had slipped me up. So Now I had my sunglasses back!

As I tried to fit the new pedal onto the old bar I ran into a slight problem. The spacing was slightly off. Without the spring steel of the broken pedal, the old popsicle was loose. But I couldn't slide the pedal in with the chunk of spring steel. In the grand tradition of backyard mechanics everywhere, I decided to force the issue. With quite a bit of muscle, I managed to slide the assembly together and bolt it tight. Now for the first time in this chopper's history it has a foot pedal that actually stays up while riding!

Needing to fuel up both myself and the bike before work, I took the fix for a test run. Burgerville was my lunch stop, Pacific Northwest fast food that brags about using as many natural and local ingredients as they can. Decent stuff. I upgraded my drink to a chocolate and coffee milkshake. I got my food and they told me that the milkshake would be out shortly. About half way through the meal someone stops by my table and asks what kind of milkshake I had ordered. As I finish up my food someone asks me if I ever got my milkshake. No I hadn't. Could I just get a refund on it since I am done eating? The manager offers to get me the milkshake and give me a coupon for another one free. Thanks for the offer but I'm on my motorcycle. So they refund my medium milkshake with a large milkshake and still give me a coupon for another one free!

And now I am posting this via Firefox on Ubuntu. I am successfully running Linux on my Mac! The problem was the Airport all along. Now that I have the Linksys router it all works fine without me having to change a single setting. And so far I really like Ubuntu.

Yep. This is a lucky day for me.

Common People

While playing games online someone makes the statement, "I'd rather have no money than too much money." I told him that he obviously had never been dead broke, kitchen empty, about to be kicked to the curb poor then. To which he replied that he had. I dropped it.

I dropped it because I know that it was almost certainly a lie. At least not a full truth. For anyone who has ever found themselves in that situation, where the money is gone, the rent is due, and the gut is wondering if it will ever see anything better than rice and water ever again (and glad that the rice no longer tasted good or else we'd probably run out of that as well), there is no question. Ask any person in that situation, any one of them, EVERY SINGLE LAST GODDAMN ONE OF THEM. Ask them to choose between having no money, or one billion dollars. No other catch. Just one or the other. For every person in that situation, there is only one answer. Yes it is a broad generalization, but I would challenge anyone out there to hit the streets, find such a person, and make them that offer with cash in hand and find a single one of them that wouldn't take the cash.

Yeah, I'd rather have loads and loads and loads of money than to have none at all. Any day, any night, 24/7, 365. I say that as a person who once found himself in that situation on a cold and lonely Christmas Eve, breaking down in tears long distance. I say it as a person who grew up with less than most but always enough to get by. I say it as someone who once bought a bag of dog food because it cost the same as a couple of loaves of bread and would last 5 times longer. So don't talk to me about the piety of poverty. Hard times, hard times, come again no more.



God I love getting angry. Good cardiovascular workout

Is it too early?

Many people around the nation have found themselves wondering, is it too early for all this Presidential election hubub to start? The election isn't until the fall of 2008 and here we are in the spring of 2007 with campaigns already in full swing.

My running mate and I agree that it is nowhere near too early to start a campaign for 2008. In fact, we are here and now formally announcing our candidacy not just for 2008, but for 2012 as well. That's right, if we aren't elected in 2008 you can bet we'll be back for more. And if we are elected, then we might as well get a jump start on our reelection campaign. Others may hem and haw and form exploratory committees. Not us. We don't need other people telling us what our chances are before deciding if we really want to pursue the jobs. We were born ready to abuse the powers of the executive branch.

Jake and X in 2008 AND 2012!

Praise Bob!

teX Day is coming up. Here's a promo video. NSFW because they show the illustrious boobage of the legendary Sister Decadence, but she's got her fingers holding her nipples, so it might be okay for some of y'all.

Dream Journal

This one was a definite sharp left turn. Usually I can pick up quite quickly on most of the symbols present. This one mixed too many more obscure ones that don't pop up often.

I decide to make magic mushroom tacos for my friends. I make up three different types of fillers; beef, chicken, and vegetarian. I mix them with cheese, lettuce, the magic mushrooms, and store each in its own Viking horn. We get together, break out the wraps, and make tacos. Some take from their favorite horn while others mix up from different horns. We all get very well fed and I know I need to drive us all home before the drugs come on too strong, and I can already see the effects. Writing on park benches and the sides of buildings has started to leap off like a reticulated 3d image and people's faces have taken on an auric glow.

Mmm, Viking Magical Mystery Tacos.

Phrase Translation

Certain phrases will pop-up repeatedly. Many people assume they know the meaning of these phrases because they understand all of the words contained within the phrase. This is often not the case. As a public service, I will try to post actual translations of these phrases as I come across them.

Today's PhT for you to chew on comes from all those people looking for relationships by using MySpace. You will often see a phrase that says;

I'm looking for someone who doesn't play mind games.

PhT: I am completely oblivious to what a jackass/bitch I am, so I'd prefer it if you just kept quiet except to agree with me.

War and Starvation: A Solution

We spend all this money on wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Every day there are hundreds of people dieing while draught, famine, and poverty force so many in this world to go hungry every night. I know I'm not the first person to have this idea, but it is one worth repeating in hopes that some day it may catch on. Instead of spending billions of dollars on new technology for fighting wars, why not invest a little of that in figuring out how to turn war casualties into food for the starving?

The Gospel According to Jake

Looks like I might have to start my own church. A co-worker asked if I could perform a marriage ceremony for him. I looked up Oregon's regulations and found out;

Ministers of any church organized, carrying on its work, and having congregations in this state may perform marriages in this state if authorized by their church to do so.

So while my ULC credentials are legit, if I don't have an actual church to go with it, I can't use my credentials. But if I'm going to go through the trouble of starting my own church with a regular 'congregation' I need it to be something that I can actually get up on a pulpit and scream my fool head off about. Coffee and beer make me quite loquacious. Both of them are brewed beverages. It would be like the Free Masons, only the Brewers. That name isn't being used for any other purpose, is it? I had to give up on the Viking religion because everyone thought I was part of some sports team. Damn you, Portland State University!

Or maybe I could walk in with my Discordian Pope card and explain to them how it's against my religion to have a church and congregation since my first act as a Pope was to excommunicate all the other Popes. We also happen to be the world's largest disorganized religion. But then there is the whole issue of the government not accepting the validity of Discordianism. Which is absolutely absurd since Discordians don't accept the validity of government.

Or I could tell the guy I can't do it, but what's the fun in that?

The A-Team: An AWPC

R: I kind of feel like I'm on the A team now.

M: No. You've got a long way to go for that.

R: You saying I'm still on the B team? I think I've got what it takes to be on the A team.

Jake: Alright. You're Howling Mad Murdoch, I'm B.A. Baracus, and he's Face.

R: Wait. Why do I have to be the old one?

Jake: You're not the old one. You're the crazy one.

Goat

Coming In Late

I kept popping into conversations at strange times today. Like at first break as I walk and someone is saying, "...brown sugar. Right Jake?" I mean how could I say no to that? And then walking up as someone says, "...they are definitely a little bit more on the exotic side." Later I walked up as someone mentioned, "...so I had to take my shirt off, too."

But there was one conversation I was present for and offered my humble opinion on.

Jake: What's so bad about Easter dinner with the family? There's nothing better than eating ham to celebrate the murder of a Jew.

Radical Rodents

They surf better then I do.

Lessons

Today I spoke with my best friend's oldest kid. I learned that he has a penis, likes milk, and is quite proficient at assembling Lego subdivisions.

Passion

After much avoidance, I finally watched Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ. The words to describe this film came without effort.

HOLY FUCKING GOD DAMNED PIECE OF SHIT!

I thought everybody was exaggerating. What the fuck!? Let me repeat my review of the value of this film to our culture.

HOLY FUCKING GOD DAMNED PIECE OF SHIT!

I grew up Lutheran. I went to church every Sunday. I know the story. So let me say one more time...

HOLY FUCKING GOD DAMNED PIECE OF SHIT!