About Franken Time!

Congratulations to Senator Elect Al Franken.

BBC NEWS | Court declares Franken 'victory'

Minnesota's Supreme Court has declared Democrat Al Franken the winner of the state's disputed 2008 US Senate race...

The Supreme Court ruling means that Mr Franken should soon become the Democrats' 60th vote in the US Senate.

I'm just glad Norm Coleman has finally lost the seat he stole from a dead man (Paul Wellstone).

More Onion Truth

U.S. Finishes A 'Strong Second' In Iraq War | The Onion

BAGHDAD—After 19 months of struggle in Iraq, U.S. military officials conceded a loss to Iraqi insurgents Monday, but said America can be proud of finishing 'a very strong second.'

"We went out there, gave it our all, and fought a really good fight," said Gen. George W. Casey, the top U.S. commander in Iraq. "America's got nothing to be ashamed of. We outperformed Great Britain, Poland, and a lot of the other top-notch nations, but Iraq just wouldn't stay down for the count. It may have come down to them simply wanting it more."

Bright Green Light

While I love my guns, I still consider this a lovely thing.

Northern Ireland | Loyalist weapons put 'beyond use'

Two Northern Ireland loyalist paramilitary groups have said they have completed decommissioning.

The UVF and Red Hand Commando said their weapons and explosives were 'totally and irreversibly beyond use'.

Another loyalist group, the Ulster Defence Association, confirmed it had started to decommission its arsenal.

NI Secretary Shaun Woodward said it was 'an historic day for Northern Ireland'. Between them, the UDA and UVF killed almost 1,000 people in the Troubles.

Four years ago, the IRA put its weapons beyond use in decommissioning witnessed by two churchmen.

It's good to see the Irish restricting their violence to drunken pub brawls over the football match. That's universal*.



* Except in the United States where football is not football and therefor people fighting over football are not really fighting about football and cannot technically be counted as a pub brawl over the football match. And they watch in bars, not pubs. Wankers.

An Affair so Right

US governor admits 'wrong' affair.

The Republican governor of the US state of South Carolina has admitted to an extra-marital affair.

Yawn.

He could have saved a lot of trouble by announcing it preemptively.


Congressman Offers Preemptive Apology For Extramarital Affair

Putting Iran in Perspective

In the recent election in Iran there were some who were really upset with the result. Those people took to the streets to protest and have sited irregularities as proof of a rigged election.

Sounds like just another modern democratic election to me. Same thing happened here in the United States in 2000 and 2004. People took to the streets to protest. They took legal actions. They investigated and found irregularities far more rampant than those currently in Iran.

There is a difference. In Iran the protests have been forcibly restrained by police. The United States was at least more civil about it. I would guess it has something to do with the US population having more to lose if they die. As screwed up as things may seem, citizens of this great nation have still got it pretty sweet compared to the vast majority of this planet. That makes people very reluctant to erupt into the kind of violence that can lead to revolutions.

Polls by independent sources leading up to the Iran election showed the incumbent with nearly a 2 to 1 lead over the challenger whose supporters have taken to the streets in protest. Like it or not, Analbeadingjob* seems to have majority support.

In 2000 and 2004 the US polls showed much closer races and greater irregularities. It seems hard for someone like myself to believe the former and unfathomable that people would accept the latter. That has passed like so much history written in the blood of duped Americans.

In Iran, the theocratic nature of politics operates openly. In the highly civilized United States, we can feign religious tolerance while secretly acting as a Christian nation. Members of Bush's cabinet certainly saw our efforts in the Middle East as a holy war. Atheists can not get elected President here. Many who voted for Bush, and plenty of people actually did vote for him, saw him as a deeply religious individual of Christian morals. We hide our theocracy in plain sight.

As for the news stories, consider that they might just be propaganda. Maybe. Possibly. For instance, the CIA is strictly prohibited from interfering in domestic affairs. Not their jurisdiction. They have, however, deliberately placed false news stories in foreign newspapers to sway international opinion. There have been incidents where Congressmen and Senators have then quoted from these planted articles, presumably not knowing that they were planted, to rally support domestically.

Iranians get repressed like goats in a feed lot. Americans get repressed like emo kids in suburbia. Those repressing are doing God's will. Those telling us about the repression are viewing it through the eyes of their favorite oppressor.

I'm just glad to live in a country where I and others like me are free to express ourselves because our highly civilized government has accepted that it is easier to beat people down with a propaganda campaign than with the butt of a rifle. Praise be to Allah God bless America!

* Muslims are going to call for my assassination now, aren't they?

One for the Little Guy

I've been meaning to get a little more positive around here. So here's something.

Peru Indians hail 'historic' day

Indigenous groups in Peru have called off protests after two land laws which led to deadly fighting were revoked.

Hailing victory, Amazonian Indian groups said it was an 'historic day'.

At least 34 people died during weeks of strikes against the legislation which allowed foreign companies to exploit resources in the Amazon forest.

Peru had passed the land laws in order to implement a free trade agreement with the US. Indigenous peoples had this strange notion that the lands were better suited to support the people living in those areas.

The natives weren't the only ones pissed about this. Peru's neighbors Bolivia and Venezuela also condemned the decision. Peru reconsidered and revoked the laws by an 82-12 vote.

Only a few dozen people had to die in the meantime.

Lament of the Low Born

It sucks to not be born into privilege. We all know it. We may try to cover it over with little anecdotes about appreciating the simple pleasures and romantic notions of an honest day's work blah blah blah. For all those people who like to cry about the invocation of class warfare, the rich are just damn lucky that the poor in these United States still have enough to make class warfare an ideological campaign instead of a bloody one.

This week I had to purchase new work pants. When I first started buying them, I knew they were union made in the US. Then some were union made in the US so I had to look at the label. Then I could either get made in the US from foreign materials or assembled in Mexico from US materials. This time I just needed some damn pants and didn't even look at the label.

It would seem to me that if the country was really serious about building genuine economic stability and growth a wise course of action would be to boost consumption of American made goods. So why haven't we heard any encouragement towards this end? Why hasn't President Obama called for a vigorous campaign calling for people to buy domestic?

Well, he made a tiny squeak about it and was immediately shot down by big business and the European Union. It is easy to understand why the European Union would not want protectionist measures levied against their goods, but why domestic companies?

Possibly because those who spend the most financing campaigns have no desire to boost the economic stability of the working class. That's right, I smell a conspiracy afoot. A strong working class will make demands of their employers. They want benefits and an equal stake in the success of the company. No manufacturer can bring a product to market without a labor force. They know it and wish like hell it wasn't the case. Right now while companies are acting frightened, they are enjoying an unprecedented level of employee loyalty based in fear. People are less likely to farm around for a different job because the market for their 'unskilled labor' sucks. They won't make demands because their employers are systematically laying off or firing anyone they can. Unionization is right out, and corporations love that.

Fear is effective in the short term. The last administration got away with torture and murder and a whole list of lesser crimes because people were scared to death of terrorists. Prolonged fear will drive people ape-shit-bonkers and you end up with Timothy McVeigh, the Una-Bomber, and disgruntled employees going postal. Fear can only control a population until they realize that the bogey man in the closet was a fiction created by folks with an agenda. Rather than opting for a safer plan of working cooperatively with workers, companies just try to keep the fear at a 'safe level'.

I dare say that the bogey man in the closet this time around, the world financial crisis, was so convincing that the forces behind it have even scared themselves. Imagine directing a slasher movie. You shot it. You edited it. You know the film. Yet at the opening you still jump when the killer lashes out from the shadows. It happens.

Companies knew that growth based on credit was risky. Banks knew it, too. A lot of people figured they were good enough that if their current venture went down the tubes, they'd just hop on the next one. But it snowballed. The bogey man of economic uncertainty had gotten loose, snuck up behind them, and started chasing them through the moon shadowed mists of a dieing forest they helped to destroy. As they run away they hand you, the worker, the task of killing the bogey man. They raped you and violated you and beat you down until your life was a meaningless existence of booze poured down in quantities large enough to forget how much it all sucks. In a slasher film those who created the monster would be among the first to go and you would rise to the occasion and become the hero. This isn't a movie. They will get away and you will be fucked.

What can you do about it? Nothing. Shut up and get back to work, slave.

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

In God's Name

Remember being told over and over again that the Iraq War was not a war against Islam? If Donald Rumsfeld's White House briefings on the war are any indication, that was all a lie.

Onward, Christian Soldiers! - GQ

Go watch the slide show. I laughed. I cried. I fought off involuntary loss of bladder control and held back a spontaneous bowel movement.

I am guessing the US Armed forces are waiting for Jesus to come down and smite the unbelievers before they can withdraw from the region. God will get right on that.

How Many Deaths Will it Take 'til We Know

Once again, The Onion gets it spot on.

Abortion Doctor's Murder Sparks Waves Of Calm, Rational Discussion

The cold-blooded murder of late-term abortion doctor George Tiller, 67, who was gunned down last week by a pro-life activist during services at a local church, has ignited a firestorm of thoughtful, quiet debate about the practice of abortion. 'When I saw how [Dr. Tiller] was shot in the head at point-blank range, I couldn't help but think, 'Maybe the other side has some logical points worth listening to,'' pro-choice activist Melinda Brody said. 'I have a feeling this senseless act of violence will help resolve the divisive reproductive-rights issue once and for all.' Brody also said she's encouraging doctors across the country to double the number of late-term abortions they perform in hopes of provoking even more open and rational dialogue.

Obama Hypocrisy

You can't get much more arrogantly hypocritical than this.

Hillary Clinton demands China investigate and disclose its past abuses

A China that has made enormous progress economically, and that is emerging to take its rightful place in global leadership, should examine openly the darker events of its past and provide a public accounting of those killed, detained or missing, both to learn and to heal.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says this while the Obama domestic policy is to sweep our own abuses under the rug.

Christian Terrorists

In today's podcast I satirically make the case for waterboarding the man currently held in custody for the slaying of abortion provider Dr. George Tiller.

Man quizzed over US doctor death

Quizzed. I like that. Very friendly.

Further investigation of this story revealed that the suspect being held is one Scott P. Roeder.

George Tiller suspect may be charged Monday

I did a search of the suspect's name and the very first thing that pops up...

Waterboard Scott P. Roeder

I don't actually think this guy should be waterboarded. I do agree that something more than another candlelight vigil needs to happen.

Something Positive

I've been waiting for something really nice to say about President Obama. I finally found it in a piece of pulp reporting.

Obamas enjoy a date on Broadway

The presidential date ended with a performance of August Wilson's play, Joe Turner's Come and Gone.

Sure, it's a piece of political celebrity trash to feed the masses. Sure, Republicans are getting on his case for taking a quick trip to New York for a date with the first lady when he should be escaping to his Texas ranch to clear brush like a real President.

With my background in theater and knowledge of Broadway plays, the President made a damn good choice. Racist assholes could make the case that of course the first black President would go see a black Broadway show. My own humble opinion is that August Wilson is one of the best damn playwrights this country has ever known. It sure beats the hell out of suffering through Gypsy.

Good choice, Obama. I'd still like to see him cutting down some Bushes in Texas.

Torture Costs Lives!

Not only does torture have the potential of causing irreparable harm or even killing those being tortured, it also costs other lives. As a result of torture being used by the United States there have been more recruits to al Qaeda and more suicide bombers. Not only will those people die (willingly in a crusade against the Western hypocritical devils) but more troops die as a result of their actions (which are a result of our actions, torture).

I have always believed that the United States secretly tortured people. I just figured they were really sneaky about it and kept it so secret most people could live in plausible denial their whole lives. I would have never imagined that we would reach a stage where the former Vice President not only condones torture but is proud of torturing people. For some reason I thought everybody saw what had happened in Nazi Germany and was so sickened by it that we could at least agree that civilized nations would never resort to that sort of thing ever again. At least to never publicly admit to such things. Torture should have been off the list of 'maybes' a long time ago.

I guess we just aren't civilized.

Book News

Jumping Jesus on a Pogo Stick! Amazon has decided to offer my book.

Presidential Tentacle Porn: NSFW

You know that the government is screwing you. Why not make it by the President himself! Or at least his likeness.

Alternative Tentacles

Yes it s the long-anticipated dildo that features a likeness of the 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama!

When we say 'long' we mean 7 1/2" (and nearly 2" in diameter!). It's 14 ounces of TPR, Phthalate-Free Rubber & is made in San Francisco, CA. No batteries required. Previously it's only been available in sex shops & on-line sex sites.

That's right, former Dead Kennedys front man Jello Biafra's record label, Alternative Tentacles, is selling this somewhat disturbing sex toy.

In other disturbing sexual trends, this weekend is the 9th Annual Portland Masturbate-A-Thon. In the past I have given my endorsement of this event. After all, what could be finer than a charity event with a pro-masturbation message? This year it frightens me.

Darklady's Solo Sex Circus is pitching its big top tent over this year’s 9th Annual Portland Masturbate-a-thon for a fundraiser like no other. At last, your chance to run away and join a circus worth living in a trailer for!

Whether you’re a crazy clown, a gentle lion tamer, a nervous trapeze artist or a member of the super freak side show, Ringmistress Darklady will be happy to show you the ropes, the vibrators, the ThrillHammer, the MonkeyRocker, the silent auction, the potluck, the information table, the hoochie coochie girls, the guy stroking off while hanging from hooks and the bearded nuns… just for starters.

It makes me feel a bit prudish, but circuses and sex should not mix.

There are other things that should not be mixed with sex. Just something about creepy clowns and elephants...

Changing the Debate about 'Enhanced Interrogation'

Conservative Vanity Fair writer Christopher Hitchens underwent waterboarding and concluded it constitutes torture. Independent former Governor Jesse Ventura underwent waterboarding on says it is torture. Third time's the charm. So a conservative radio host underwent waterboarding and guess what?

Mancow Waterboarded, Admits It's Torture | NBC Chicago

'I want to find out if it's torture,' Mancow told his listeners Friday morning, adding that he hoped his on-air test would help prove that waterboarding did not, in fact, constitute torture.

This time we get video of the event! Hooray! Televised torture in the United States.

In the first video we see Mancow undergoing the 'enhanced interrogation technique'. I have to admit that watching it be done, it doesn't look so horrible. Lots of people have water dumped on them or get dunked in water. It looks fairly benign.

They talk to him after the fact. He tells of how as a child his brother pushed him into a pool and he drowned, having to be revived be EMTs. So the guy knows what drowning is. He says waterboarding IS drowning, and it is torture.

That should be that. Anyone who has been waterboarded will tell you that it is torture. The three examples given above were all waterboarded in the nicest possible way. Each of them had safety mechanisms in place that could end the procedure if they couldn't handle it, a luxury you can bet the inmates at Gitmo would have liked. Mancow could stop the torture anytime he wanted by simply letting go of a plastic toy he held in his hand. He knew there was a way to stop it and still called it torture. Some would argue that the detainees also had a way to stop the torture.

"Just tell us what you know and it will end."

"I don't know anything."

"Do it again."

"I meant to say that Bill Clinton and a vast left wing conspiracy have been funding al Qaeda and Osama bin Laden has been staying in their guest house."

Since waterboarding is the flagship of the enhanced interrogation techniques used by the United States government, and waterboarding is torture, we now can say conclusively that the United States tortured detainees. Enhanced interrogation is just a nicer way of saying it. Just like 'enhanced rectal cavity expansion technique' is a nicer way of saying 'ass raped with a baseball bat'.

Our nation tortured people. Folks can dance around that word all they want but we now know well beyond a reasonable doubt that the United States tortured people. People want to believe that all of those inmates were somehow guilty of some unnamed crime and deserved it. Without any sort of trial, without the benefit of presumed innocence that this nation's founding fathers thought was so important that they included it in one of our most important founding documents, with no way of knowing if they were actually terrorists or just citizen soldiers defending the country of their birth, the United States took it upon themselves to torture these people to find out the 'truth'. Knowing that this occurred, the only question left is if people are okay with that.

And some people are. Those people are about as un-American as they come. They hate America and are jealous of its freedoms. Those people are the children of immigrants and they hate immigrants. They are the children of people who escaped religious persecution and they can't tolerate other people's religions. They are the children of people who wanted the right to voice their opinions and they want dissenting voices to shut the hell up. They are hypocritical steaming piles of shit wrapped up in American flag t-shirts and hiding behind 'United We Stand' bumper stickers. They have wiped their assholes with the Constitution and called it an act of patriotism. And their representatives, the politicians, especially the ones who knew we were doing this long before the public did, are even worse.

You Might be a Terrorist if...

In the 1984 film Red Dawn, there is a scene where Soviet forces invading the United States round up all the Boy Scouts as members of a para-military youth organization. It seemed absurd to most viewers. Not the Scouts!

Yes, the Scouts.

Homeland Security Trains Scouts To Fight Terrorism

The Explorers program, a coeducational affiliate of the Boy Scouts of America that began 60 years ago, is training thousands of young people in skills used to confront terrorism, illegal immigration and escalating border violence — an intense ratcheting up of one of the group’s longtime missions to prepare youths for more traditional jobs as police officers and firefighters...

The training, which leaders say is not intended to be applied outside the simulated Explorer setting, can involve chasing down illegal border crossers as well as more dangerous situations that include facing down terrorists and taking out "active shooters," like those who bring gunfire and death to college campuses.

Sixty years of para-military activities. I think when I was Scouts age (though I never was one) I would have really enjoyed such activities.

So the Boy Scouts are a para-military organization training kids to act like dick cops who will some day tase you for a minor traffic infraction. Not a big surprise.

Then there's this...

Given recent concerns over the DHS definition of "right wing extremists" and the agency’s penchant to affiliate veterans, gun owners, Ron Paul supporters and even those who question the mainstream media with terrorists, one wonders exactly who the boy scouts are being trained to target.

For the past eight years folks have been complaining that protesters and left leaning political activists have been targeted as terrorists for questioning the mainstream media. There has been plenty of evidence to support this claim as well as the above "right wing extremists" terrorist claim.

Put it all together and you discover that Americans across the board are terrorists. Scouts are being trained to keep us all in line. America as we knew it is going right down the... same path it has been heading down for generations. Only now it can do it on the internet!

Addendum: This slide show of the program is creepy.

Political Hero

Jesse Ventura wasn't just a politician or merely Governor of Minnesota. To me he was one of the last representatives.

Awesome interview with Larry King. Waterboarding, torture, Cuba, and surfing. Well worth all ten minutes of it.

An Open Invitation to Evangelicals

Catholics who have prayed the rosary are quite familiar with a particular passage.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son and to the Holy Ghost:
As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

World without end. I like that phrase. Has a real positive tone to it.

It's not just a Catholic thing. Every Bible has it. Ephesians 3:21,

Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.

'Throughout all ages' and 'world without end' seem to refer to the phenomenon we now know as space/time. The space/time phenomenon is an inherent quality of the universe as we know it. So without a universe, or without existing in the universe, space/time ceases to exist and you no longer have a 'world without end'. That would be a secular translation. But 'world without end' still refers to a world, as opposed to the heavens. There was a distinct difference between the two.

I invite any and all Christians to rectify the Apocalypse and/or Armageddon with the earlier Biblical phrase 'world without end' without invoking the theoretical 'heaven' which would necessarily exist outside of space/time, or at least not in the 'world' as understood in the Bible.

For those Christians who say the Apocalypse/Armageddon is a fiction, I respect that. Just a few more books to go.

Born to Blaspheme,
Rev. Dr. Jake

Republican Brain Slugs

I'm not even sure how to take this.

Reagan afraid of invasion by aliens

He is said to have believed they had been spying on Earth for decades.

Mr Reagan, who was President from 1981 to 1989, told a pal he had seen flying saucers three times, said author Darwin Porter.

He allegedly added: “I just know it. They’ve selected some desert in the West to make their landing.”

But the ex-President’s daughter Patti Davis dismissed the claims, saying her father, who died in 2004, may have been joking.

Former Soviet Union President Mikhail Gorbachev has claimed the US and USSR made a pact to help each other against an alien invasion.

He added: “President Reagan said to me, ‘If the US were attacked by someone from outer space, would you help?’”

Some will point to this and use it as evidence he was crazy. Seeing UFOs doesn't make Reagan crazy. Believing they planned to invade made him a little paranoid. Thanks to Reagan propaganda I feared a Soviet invasion throughout most of the 1980's. That was fairly paranoid and we knew the Russians existed.

His reactionary 1950's nostalgia, now that made him a stark raving lunatic. Not to mention selling arms to Iran while simultaneously getting all cozy with Saddam Hussein. And his plan to bankrupt the Soviet Union by spending America into a pit of debt.

Not to mention giving Arnold Schwarzenegger a government job that resulted in him refusing to kill anyone in Terminator 2. That was perhaps the worst thing that ever happened to this country.