Repeated Expletives:: Call to ban all school tests for under-16s

Repeated Expletives:: Call to ban all school tests for under-16s. That's right, I'm blogging my own blog in a cross-blog kind of way. Because as a Presidential write in non-candidate, I've got something to say. Remember that when a politician says they have a solution, you should run away screaming. Take a moment to go get your track shoes.

Standardized school testing is costly and irrelevant. You could be the mental equivalent of a squid (not a giant or colossal squid but a served with a delicious breading at your local family owned Italian eatery squid) and fork over enough cash to get a college degree. You could also be a freakin' genius and find that universities are so boring you would rather choke to death on Guatemalan donkey dick than induce vomiting by sitting through yet one more lecture by a self-congratulatory professor who feels pretty spiffy for having published three papers on the migratory patterns of the common fern.

(On your mark.) With that said, (Get set.) here is my solution (GO!) for standardized testing. Let's cut it back to one standardized test administered at the age of 16. There will be a huge party the day before with plenty of drugs, booze, and sex provided. This way we can test how a person will behave in a real world environment. The test will still have the standard math, science, and language comprehension questions we have all come to know and love and pat ourselves on the back for doing so well in. In addition, it will have social skills and shop sections. While it is important to gauge how well a person will be able to schmooze their way through life, it is just as relevant to find out if you can flow a cylinder head or frame a garage. Scoring will be as follows;

• 100% - You get a private compound loaded up with drugs, booze, and all the coitus you can handle. We only ask that you dedicate some of your free time to research.
• 90th percentile - College bound.
• 80th percentile - It's tech school or junior college for you, unless you have enough money to bribe, er, make a sizable donation to a state school.
• 70th percentile - We'll let you finish high school. You're not totally worthless.
• 60th percentile - McDonalds needs you! Now! You may finish high school if you enlist in the armed services.
• 50th percentile - Cop.
• 40th and below - You will receive a temporary position assisting with the manufacture of Soylent Green. Unless you are physically attractive. Then you will be sterilized and shipped off to assist the 100% crowd.