Digging Up Dirt

Since nobody else has made a personal attack in hopes of derailing my campaign, it looks like I'll have to do it myself.

This is a video containing the candidate when he was on the cusp of adulthood. Yet there he is, running through the halls of his high school with a gun. While Zero Tolerance had not yet been implemented, that is no excuse for his gun toting antics. Nor is there any excuse for everybody's poor acting, horrendous cinematography, and general lack of taste.

And a Cop Rock joke shows disrespect for the law enforcement community.

And hasn't human cloning been banned?

Ponderance

Eating a bowl of corn flakes, constantly expecting the next bite to taste a little different.

Helpful Hint

The words I write online often get misunderstood. Those who know me on a personal level have a far easier time with my words than those who do not, but mistakes are still made. From now on, whenever you read a piece written by myself, imagine the words being spoken by Johnny Depp in his role as Hunter S. Thompson in Terry Gilliam's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. My voice sounds nothing like that and my thought processes don't even come close to replicating those of the good doctor, but it just might keep you from making a grievous error in judgment concerning my intent.

Insight

While the cornerstone of comedy is tragedy and drama, there are few who have the balls to intentionally create these situations for a laugh.

I Still Think it was Funny

Today I had thoughts out loud that maybe shouldn't have been out loud thoughts for one reason or another.

• Which is more morally depraved, fucking a dead person or fucking a goat? Of course fucking a dead goat would be worse than either of them. Although it does do away with the consent issue, so maybe it's actually not as bad as the other two.
• 'Honey? Can I get a new crack pipe? Its for the baby.'
• Yeah, I've had my hand up a cow's ass. But pulling week old afterbirth out of a cow's cunt is far worse.
• But have you ever found pictures of your friends online and said, 'I didn't no she swung that way,'?
• So the dog would wake up from the anesthetic, see his own testicles sitting in front of him, and eat them.
• A little more voltage and it should fry the shit out of them. That would take care of the problem.
  

Down on the Farm

Here is my dad putting up the new farm sign. The art was created by myself about six or so years ago. Or was it longer? And I'm jealous of their address number.

A Happy Dream

Somewhere off in dream land I came across a giant brick house with white pillars and a big black door. I walk inside and meet several people working on the new href="https://store.puscifer.com/frameset.html">puscifer album. And while I'm happy to be talking with this gal with blond dreadlocks about purchasing an early release copy, I'm disappointed that Maynard isn't around today.

Repeated Expletives:: Call to ban all school tests for under-16s

Repeated Expletives:: Call to ban all school tests for under-16s. That's right, I'm blogging my own blog in a cross-blog kind of way. Because as a Presidential write in non-candidate, I've got something to say. Remember that when a politician says they have a solution, you should run away screaming. Take a moment to go get your track shoes.

Standardized school testing is costly and irrelevant. You could be the mental equivalent of a squid (not a giant or colossal squid but a served with a delicious breading at your local family owned Italian eatery squid) and fork over enough cash to get a college degree. You could also be a freakin' genius and find that universities are so boring you would rather choke to death on Guatemalan donkey dick than induce vomiting by sitting through yet one more lecture by a self-congratulatory professor who feels pretty spiffy for having published three papers on the migratory patterns of the common fern.

(On your mark.) With that said, (Get set.) here is my solution (GO!) for standardized testing. Let's cut it back to one standardized test administered at the age of 16. There will be a huge party the day before with plenty of drugs, booze, and sex provided. This way we can test how a person will behave in a real world environment. The test will still have the standard math, science, and language comprehension questions we have all come to know and love and pat ourselves on the back for doing so well in. In addition, it will have social skills and shop sections. While it is important to gauge how well a person will be able to schmooze their way through life, it is just as relevant to find out if you can flow a cylinder head or frame a garage. Scoring will be as follows;

• 100% - You get a private compound loaded up with drugs, booze, and all the coitus you can handle. We only ask that you dedicate some of your free time to research.
• 90th percentile - College bound.
• 80th percentile - It's tech school or junior college for you, unless you have enough money to bribe, er, make a sizable donation to a state school.
• 70th percentile - We'll let you finish high school. You're not totally worthless.
• 60th percentile - McDonalds needs you! Now! You may finish high school if you enlist in the armed services.
• 50th percentile - Cop.
• 40th and below - You will receive a temporary position assisting with the manufacture of Soylent Green. Unless you are physically attractive. Then you will be sterilized and shipped off to assist the 100% crowd.