Sight Seeing in Portland

When a friend comes to town, it's always good to show them the things that make your city distinct from all the others. There are few things more distinctly Portland than a strip club. We have loads of them. So on Saturday when my friend wanted to go strip clubbing for his birthday visit, I took him on a tour.

It started at the Acropolis. If you only go to one strip club in P-town, this is the place. Dive bar atmosphere open from 7am until 2:30am. Dancers all day long. While you tend to only get the A-list during peak hours, the peak hours are long and the B-list ain't bad. They also have a variety of dancers from the blondes with the boob jobs to the pierced and tatted alt girls to some immigrants from places like Norway and Uruguay. They also serve a damn good steak dinner for only $5.

Then it was off to Union Jack's. The place is on the posher end of things and their were quite a few lesbians hanging out. The girls tend to be on the alt side of things ranging from twiggy to meaty. A nice clean place with comfy chairs and candles on the tables.

Sassy's was a bit of a gamble. I had only been in their once before and was unimpressed. I had heard that the place is actually a great joint during prime time. Saturday night it was rocking. The music selections were punk, metal, and rock-a-billy. The girls were tall and thin with obviously natural smaller breasts. Tattoos and piercings were the general rule with 3 out of 6 of the dancers having their septums pierced.

Next was a trip to a place that had a very interesting concept, but I will never set foot in again, The Safari. It is done up with multiple stages, a couple of pools, and a hot tub that patrons are welcome to take a dip in. Swimming with a bunch of drunks at a strip club? No thanks. While the dancers showed a broader racial diversity than the other clubs, they were all definitely of the 'mass appeal' variety. It was also extremely packed with expensive drinks.

We ended the night at my special little strip club. When I moved to Portland, it was nice to have a decent little strip club within walking distance. The place tended to feature goth and alt girls on the skinny and small breasted end of the spectrum. Imagine my horror when I show up after not having been for a couple of months, to discover it had turned into a bar and grill and it was karaoke night! Nudity is one of the oldest art forms known to man. Karaoke is... is... ugh! There are no words for it. Then a while back I noticed the sign had changed to feature a bikini clad torso on a beach. Could it be true? Why yes it was. So we closed out Club Cabos. New stages, no pool table, no pinball machine, but the dancers are still pretty cool. They seem to be keeping one alt girl, one hip-hop girl, and one 'normal' girl in the mix at all times. Can't blame them for playing the spectrum.

And that is how you go sight-seeing in Portland.