U.S. Out of Iraq Now! How?

Mother Jones puts forward the moral dilemna of how to deal with an exit from Iraq.

"You break it, you own it." So goes the "Pottery Barn rule" that Colin Powell invoked in his last-ditch attempts to dissuade President Bush from invading Iraq. "You are going to be the proud owner of 25 million people. You will own all their hopes, aspirations, and problems. You'll own it all."

Yet it's not just the administration that has its head in the sand; to varying degrees, we all do. For those of us who argued against invading, it is tempting to simply demand an end to 'Bush's War' and wash our hands of it. But as General Anthony Zinni, former head of U.S. forces in the Middle East, told us, 'Your conscience is not clean just because you're a peace demonstrator.' In other words, just because you weren't in favor of going in doesn't mean you're not responsible for what happens when we pull out.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one damn minute! I never, never, ever supported this war and I say those of a similar ilk are in no way responsible for what happens when we pull out. So the initial reason for invasion (WMDs) was a lie, which everyone should know by now, and people fell for it. Then people bought into the idea that we were there to liberate the nation from an evil dictator and bring democracy to the Middle East. So even if you got suckered by the first bluff and hold some shred of hope for the second, you still are in no way responsible for what happens in Iraq when we pull out. Unless you want to be, but that's your bag, not mine.

So why are we not responsible? If the Iraqi people are now living in a country where they have been liberated from an evil dictator and handed freedom, they are free to do with their country as they please. If that means they choose to shoot the shit out of each other and strap explosive devices to sexually repressed teenagers, so be it. And if they try to export that shit to my home town I'm betting I can whip up a damn good posse to kick their asses back to where they came from. Even if you don't buy into any of the bullshit that has been force fed to the media, masticated, and then crapped out onto the moronic masses who proceeded to rub it into their skin and print it on pretty plastic placards to stick on their vehicle of choice, you are still free and clear of responsibility for what might happen should we pull out and leave a mess all over the backs of the Iraqis. To take responsibility for them is to take responsibility from them. I will not withhold freedom from those who want it just because someone thinks I have a 'moral responsibility'.

So what is to be done? First and foremost, anyone running for or holding national office must be forced to answer these questions:

Forced, eh? You can not force me! But I will answer willingly.

What's your schedule for withdrawal, and what consequences do you foresee?

Immediate and total withdrawal. I'm sure everyone will have the shakes for a while, cold sweats, hot flashes, night terrors, tremors, both Americans and Iraqis. Quitting cold turkey is tough. But it must be done. We never should have started in the first place, but a partially willing America did and brought a partially willing Iraq along for the ride. There will be those who die from the withdrawal, but there are plenty dieing from our continued participation.

Which comes first—withdrawal, a functioning Iraqi government, or a solid international peacekeeping force?

Withdrawal! Didn't I just say that? Withdrawal. I'll be interested in a functioning Iraqi government if we can ever get a functioning American government going on. If people would like to volunteer for an international peacekeeping force, that's cool. But don't give them weapons. Unless you intend to keep things peaceful by shooting anything that makes a sound.

What concessions would you make to get Iraq's neighbors to help?

I'll tell McDonalds, Starbucks, and Walmart to stay the fuck out of the Middle East. That should be more than enough in terms of concessions. Then I'll start working on kicking them out of here as well.

What degree of bloodshed are you prepared to stand by and watch?

I don't intend to watch any of it. Not my thing... Wait, you mean would I tolerate genocide. Much tougher question. Everyone who voted for that idiot Bush and his nightmare alter-ego Dick or voted for anyone else who showed support for an invasion of Iraq can choose to either go over there and protect those they 'liberated' or can take in a refugee family that chooses to flee the country. Take that responsibility!

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego's Bomb?

Airport screeners failed to find most fake bombs, TSA says:

Investigators successfully smuggled 75 percent of the fake bombs through checkpoints at Los Angeles International Airport in California, and 60 percent through Chicago's O'Hare International Airport in Illinois, according to a report obtained by USA Today. In tests at California's San Francisco International Airport, where a private company conducts inspections, 20 percent of the contraband made it through security.

The government has conducted similar testing in the past, with similarly poor results. Repeated tests by the Department of Homeland Security's Office of Inspector General led the Government Accountability Office to conclude that better technology would improve security.

Better technology like this? I've got my own idea.

No carry-on luggage.
No purses, handbags, briefcases, backpacks, etc.
No shoes anywhere in the airport.
No hats.
No jewlery.
No shirts, blouses, or other tops.
No pants, skirts, kilts or other bottoms.
No underwear, lingerie, liquid latex, duct tape, or other 'modesty' clothing items.

That's right, if you want to fly then you better strip naked and leave everything at home. If you don't like it, take the bus or a train or maybe a cruise ship. This is America goddamnit and we don't need all you dirty stinkin' fake terrorist posers with your 'water bottles' and 'PDAs' mucking up our free and decent society. It's all banned. All of it! And don't forget to shave all your hair off, too. Or use wax or a hair depilatory or whatever. It's a free country.

Or you can start heavily investing in matter transmission research and get beamed up. Unless you have a better idea.

Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

For a majority of likely voters, meaningless bullshit will be the most important factor in deciding who they will vote for in 2008.


Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

Romney the Racist

Check out Romney's racist comment as reported by the Guardian:

"By the way, hats off to Bill Cosby," Romney said. "At least where I spent the last 30 years in Massachusetts, boy, if we could have more married couples in the inner city it would be a huge help for our kids."

Tip toeing racism if I ever saw it. Hey Mr. Romney, why not just come out and say, "Bed hopping ghetto jungle bunnies." That's basically what you said. As though hillbillies don't reproduce like flies on a shit pile.

I don't care how many parents a kid has at home. From 1 to 11, the more the merrier.

Pulling Out the Big Guns

Senator Fred Thompson, Republican Presidential Candidate, has revealed his true platform to an independent media outlet. It's not really a platform. But they do sit pretty high and I bet she could support a full champagne glass between them. That's right, Mr. Thompson is promising you "If Elected, I Will Have The Hottest First Lady In U.S. History".

I am aware of the critics who doubt my ability to deliver on this promise. "What about Jackie Kennedy?" they ask. "Wasn't she a hotter first lady?" If all America cares about is hotness from the neck up, then yes. Though Jackie looked good in a pillbox hat, she never possessed that I-have-obvious-father-issues sort of hotness the people of this country appreciate so deeply. Go on, close your eyes and try picturing Jackie Kennedy on the cover of some magazine spilling out of a bikini. You can't do it, can you? Now try the same mental experiment with Mrs. Fred. The results speak for themselves.

If you elect me as your next president, you will see this woman on TV nearly every day, jogging around the Rose Garden in tight Lycra shorts, bouncing all over the place with a figure that Americans of every stripe—from surgeons to truckers—will want to nail. Yours will be a first lady who is not only hot enough to appear in Playboy, but who might actually be willing to appear in Playboy. And if you choose me to be your next president, that is exactly what she'll do, in the November 2012 issue, guaranteeing me a second term once the public gets a good look at those truly incredible bazongas.

So she's kind of hot in a MILF sort of way. Big deal. You're missing the point, Mr. Thompson. Kennedy may have been married to the extremely hot Jackie, but he was banging the original Playboy Bunny, Marilyn Monroe. You're a loser, Fred. You got nothing on that. You see, it's not who you are married to, it's who you are having extra-marital relations with that really counts. Because in our so-called Christian nation, it would be a sin to want to fuck someone else's wife, but we can all lust after a piece of their hot side action without fear of eternal damnation at the hands of a loving yet vengeful basket case of a deity.

And trust me, Mr. Thompson, this is one issue you do not want to debate me on.

Illumination

We are closest to truth just before we die. That is when we have the least amount of time in which to contradict ourselves.

Crack Election Squad

Daleks are scary. They wander around the Universe exterminating and enslaving other races. But they are no match for Jake. One arm is a gun, the other is a plunger. Not all that different from Jake's better weekends. But Jake has something they don't. After all, that plunger is only scary if they know how to use it. And Daleks don't know how to use a plunger. I mean they don't even show 1mm of crack. That's right, they're all talk. Just a bunch of posers.

So if you want the real supreme being of the Universe schooling those nasty Daleks, vote Jake!

American Made

It's no secret that the United States of America has trade problems. From cheap toys made in China to electronics from Korea to petroleum from the Middle East and even customer service phone centers in India, our once great nation has fallen prey to the cost effectiveness of outsourcing. Our agricultural exports can no longer make up the difference as we need more and more of those resources for our alternative fuel programs including ethanol and bio-diesel. America, we are at a cross-roads.

We need to look at what America has become if we want to find a sustainable solution. And America is full of very fat and very vain people. These two resources can go hand in glove to deliver us from our trade deficit. Creative Rendering And Surgical Solutions! We suck the fat out of all the obese people and use it to make soap. We'll have a thinner nation and a new commodity for export.

Wake up and smell the freedom! Use CRASS Soap... and Vote Jake.

Red October Surprise

While serving as Commander in Chief of the Martian Imaginary Military, Jake was in charge of no fewer than a million billion imaginary troops sworn to protect the red planet from invasion. A noble cause which Mr. Roth often likes to tout as one of his so-called credentials.

But did you know under his command Jake forged an alliance with the New Mexico Submarine Base and Naval Ship Yard? Can we trust our Nation's military to a man who forged a military alliance with a naval fleet based out of a land locked desert? Mr. Roth's only explanation for such behavior?

It just seemed like a good fit at the time.

Third Quarter Fund Raising

The numbers are in and we have good news. Thanks to the tireless efforts of Jake and Jake supporters, the campaign has thus far raised exactly $0.00! Why is this good news? It means that Jake knows how to run a campaign on the cheap. Very cheap. If he can run for the nation's top office without raising any funds what-so-ever, just imagine how he can run a government!

It also means that I have the continued support of the cheap and/or greedy and/or dirt poor do-it-your-own-damn-self crowd. And that means a lot to me. Thank you.

Leader rails at teen breast implants gift fad

NEWS ALERT!

This is just outrageous. OUTRAGEOUS!

President Hugo Chavez railed against a new trend in beauty-conscious Venezuela, giving girls breast implants for their 15th birthday.

Did I mention this is outrageous? It's outrageous! And... um... Well let's see what else they have to say.

Venezuela is well known for its beauty queens, who have regularly won world crowns, and many women have plastic surgery in the oil-rich country where there is widespread spending on consumer items that would be considered luxuries elsewhere.

Yes, outrageous! Silly oil rich consumerists spending their money on larger, vuluptuous, melons that should rightfully be soaking in the natural sun light on South American beaches and, wait... where was this going?

Chavez complained about the new fad of giving the plastic surgery operation at 15 -- when Latin Americans celebrate a girl's coming-of-age -- during a diatribe against what he says are Western-imposed consumerist icons such as Barbie dolls.

Yes! Parents should wait until their daughters are 18 so they might spend their winters in Portland, Oregon (where it would be summer) doing public relations work at strip clubs.

Viva la Bolivarian Revolution!

The Race Card

Today I realized a void in my campaign. What have I done to attract African American voters? Nothing. I haven't done anything to piss them off, either. But frankly, I think the only African Americans that I might have some appeal to are militant, radical, black power sorts. Which is really cool. But let's be honest. To them I'm just some crazy honky. And maybe a few gay black men fantasize about me, but only if they're into Bears. And only 65% of the population votes based on sex appeal.

I guess the one thing we have in common is that whitey is likely to call the cops when we cruise through their suburban delusion. And I have an appreciation and fondness for badunkadunk. If that's good enough for you, then welcome aboard and don't forget to Vote Jake. Fight the Power!


African American Boycott of L.L. Bean Enters 80th Year

Australia targets workshy surfers

According to BBC News the Australian government is trying to force people to work.

Ministers say that some coastal towns have 'stubbornly' high unemployment where people refuse to work and choose instead to surf and relax on the beach.

This is an obvious attack on a traditional way of life! Surfing was invented on the island of Hawaii and since its inception it has been associated with a free and easy lifestyle of plucking fruit from trees, cathching a few fish, and laying around on the beach. To deny this lifestyle is a cultural crime.

The Australian economy has enjoyed 15 years of strong growth, and unemployment is at a 30-year low.

But ministers are concerned that jobless rates in some seaside towns are way above the national average.

It's really all about jealousy and guilt. Folks feel far too guilty about leaching off a faked monetary system so they force themselves to work. They then are jealous of those who have no qualms with taking advantage of that system.

Australia's conservative government has made full employment a key objective ahead of a general election later this year.

By full employment I think they meant to say 'full dependence on an employer instead of leaching off the tax dollars of suckers who work'.

One option would be to force people to work for their welfare benefits a lot sooner than they have to at the moment.

I have a better idea. Of course I do. And a new course for America that we may not stray like our Australian (cough, cough, sheepshaggers, cough) cousins. If there is one lesson to be garnered from the latter half of the twentieth century, it is that money is given or taken, not earned. The idea of working hard to earn the rewards of a better life was proven false after a short stint in the middle of the century seemed to suggest just that. No, now we know that riches are a matter of luck and heredity. So screw working hard! Let's build machines that will do all of our work for us. We shall call them 'robots' and they shall be our mechanical servants. The goal is to replace every single American worker, from the factory workers and garbage collectors to the baristas and fast food workers and doctors and lawyers and pan handlers. Let's make it our goal that no American shall ever again have to work. Otherwise we may end up in Australia's predicament looking for foreigners to fill jobs.

Without this army of foreign accountants, health professionals and hairdressers, there are fears that Australia's booming economy could begin to stumble after years of strong growth.

Yes, accountants and hair dressers imported from foreign lands. Scary!

Personally, I kind of like working. But I'd like it a whole lot more if I could call it 'playing' and didn't have to do it. Just look at how much 'work' people will do in their free time without getting paid so much as a wooden nickel.

Bread and Circuses for All! Beer and Surfing is a suitable alternative.

Smart and Sexy

Being smart can make you sexier.

But being sexy won't make you smarter.

Unless you're a kick ass stripper making enough in tips to pay your way through grad school.

Being smart and sexy is one of the worst lifelong curses that can befall a woman. Society isn't too kind to such individuals. But if you start explaining the Minimal Supersymmetric Standard Model to me in a way that makes sense, I'll probably stare at your eyes instead of your tits... though I still might be slack jawed and drueling.

So stay in school.

The Crime of Sin

The United States has become a den of sin, a perpetrator of crimes against humanity. Alcohol, tobacco, sex, porn, drugs, prostitution, gambling. In a decent society these things would be readily available to all who wanted to indulge in such. But we live in a country where the morality of the minority dictates the crimes of the masses. And we as a country continue to support a government that stands behind such sinful behavior.

If I were to wake up in the middle of the night and wanted a blow-job without disturbing my wife, why should I not be able to hire a willing prostitute to perform this service? And what If I wanted to smoke a combination of cavendish tobacco and fine turkish hash in my pipe while said prostitute felates me? Should that trouble you? And if I challenge the prostitute to a game of roulette where the winner is determined by where my semen lands as a crowd of individuals watch us and place bets while drinking forties, is that really any of your business? It is you who would restrict such behavior who are the true sinners.

Great Minds

Are the folks at The Onion reading this blog? Not long after my publishing a statement encouraging the return of hand cranked cars, America's Finest News Source tells me that Ford Returns To Its Roots.

"Today's drivers want to get in touch with the experience of sitting behind the wheel of a finely crafted, planetary-gear vehicle with manual crank shafts," said Ford's president and CEO Alan Mulally, who expects the first line of Model Ts to be available for sale by mid-December and safe for driving as soon as it is neither snowing nor raining.

"Frankly, I think we've gotten so concerned with adding frills like GPS navigational systems, seat belts, and exhaust pipes that we've forgotten what really matters: open-air bench seating," Mulally said. "We promise that each Model T that comes off the line will last much, much longer than today's cars. Face it, we just don't make them like we used to."

And thanks once again to The Onion (and Bill O'Rielly) I now have a comprehensive plan for dealing with terrorists. Maybe we should try coddling them.

The "blame America first" crowd wants to invite these crazed Islamic extremists to visit Main Street USA, and I say let's give it a shot. Let's invite them into our homes, put them up in the guest bedroom with the good linens, and fluff up their pillows real nice. But let's not stop there. Let's take those heartless murderers out to our finest restaurants, order them appetizers and wine and dessert and then pick up the tab.

Look, folks, we don't really have a lot of options left. We've spent six long years fighting this war, and I don't feel any more safe than I did when we began. So why not call up this Muqtada al-Sadr fellow and tell him that the whole Iraqi shooting match is his for the taking?

We should also work out a deal where we supply the Middle East with American and European porn. Those poor guys don't even get an uncensored version of the JCPenney catalog to take with them to the rubble pile where their bathroom used to be.

I also think it's high time we invited Castro and Chavez to join us for brunch. Or maybe just send them a bubble bath sampler.

Post #930 - Important!

In case there are people who didn't realize, this blog has returned to being just about my campaign. If it doesn't have to do with my impending ascension to Galactic Overlord the Presidency then it is over on Repeated Expletives: along with the work of other contributors. Well, mostly one other contributor. You probably shouldn't go there. But if you're really into videos of dancing vibrators and musings on architecture it might be worth a visit. And the design is very clean. But it's mostly self indulgent public ego masturbation. You know, like every blog.

Road Rules

There have been quite a few times when I've come up on an intersection normally controlled by a signal to find that the signal was malfunctioning. What ensued was typically some wildly chaotic courtesy. Apparently others have noticed a similar phenomenon and decided to put it into regular practice. From Reuters:

A town council in Germany has decided the best way of improving road safety is to remove all traffic lights and stop signs downtown. From September 12, all traffic controls will disappear from the center of the western town of Bohmte to try to reduce accidents and make life easier for pedestrians.

In an area used by 13,500 cars every day, drivers and pedestrians will enjoy equal right of way, Klaus Goedejohann, the town's mayor, told Reuters.

This wild scheme doesn't go too far enough! Remove all traffic laws. Let people, cars, bicycles, donkeys, and elephants share the roads equally. Allow sidewalks to be used as landing strips for flying vehicles. Let the lakes be accessible by those able to walk on water. Ban seatbelt and helmet laws. Bring back the dirigible. Learn to levitate.

All Apologies

Disney backs star after her apology for nude photo.

'I want to apologize to my fans, whose support and trust means the world to me,' Hudgens said in a statement issued about a day after the photo surfaced. 'I am embarrassed over this situation and regret having ever taken these photos. I am thankful for the support of my family and friends.'

In a statement, Disney said it hoped Hudgens had learned a valuable lesson. 'Vanessa has apologized for what was obviously a lapse in judgment.'

For shame! (See the picture here.)May shame and disgrace be on Miss Hudgens and on Disney for supporting her. I do not apologize for any nude photos taken of me. Nor do I apologize for any pornography in which I may have appeared.

Sex is what brings us naked into this world. But it is by the grace of God that we feel shame for nakedness and sex.

So I do not apologize for any nudity or sex, artistic or prurient, that may have been filmed, videoed, painted, sculpted, holographed, or otherwise recorded and/or rendered. So click here for Naked Jake Photos!

Mother's Milk

For years Hillary has looked strong, rock steady. But as the campaign continues it seems she is looking more and more like Marion Ross. Brilliant! That is straight out of the Reagan play book.

FTW?

At one time in my life, seeing the letters FTW meant one thing and one thing only. Throughout the 1970's and 80's and even into the 90's it meant this and as far as I knew, nothing else. It was primarily seen scrawled on garments and posters of the punk rock and outlaw biker scenes.

As Harley-Davidson changed its image... well they didn't really change their image. They took the wild and free image of working class and outlaw bikers and repackaged it into a consumer bundle. Brilliant strategy. So as people with money bought into the image created for them by people with some real creative potential, FTW patches began to appear on their clothing as well. Someone sold them the idea that it meant Forever Two Wheels, the sign of a true biker.

As online video gaming gained momentum and players started to create their own acronyms for ease of communication in a restricted environment, FTW showed up. To those who knew the original meaning the new phrases were confusing. People typing messages like Sniper Rifle FTW, Plus One Mace FTW, Helm of Illusionary Grandeur FTW! But they didn't mean it in the old sense. FTW now meant For The Win.

For those who don't know, FTW originally meant Fuck The World. It was sage advice. How many of the world's problems could be solved if people simply heeded those three letters. Fuck The World!

As President I would not be in a position to require even one day of such activity. But I could create a FAD, Fuck America Day. It would be a day when everyone threw off their inhibitions, stripped naked in the streets, and engaged in an orgy of carnal delights. One day out of the year when we could all lay down our differences and come together as Americans. I will be happy to create a FAD in hopes that some day we can FTW. Until then, Fuck America! With abortions for some, and miniature American flags for others!

(If we do it often enough it might even reduce the nation's obesity problem.)

Joining the Team

Last weekend saw the expansion of the "Vote Jake" team with the addition of a campaign manager. My friend and colleague Rolfe (pictured at right) has agreed to fill this role. His credentials include once creating a one page campaign leaflet and successfully defusing the 'Wrestling Scandal' of 1990 using the ever-so-popular political strategy I like to call the Ostrich Maneuver. Outside of the political spectrum he was the genius behind Kleenex with Nonoxynol-9, for a safer blow. And he appeared in and was Executive Producer (uncredited) of the cult classic A View to a Clone.

Political Sex

With the recent hubbub in the news about political sex scandals, I think the time has come for me to touch upon this issue. I don't mean to tap my foot several times and touch the shoe of the guy in the stall next to me. Bathroom sex is for dirty perverts and extreme closet cases, of which I am only one. And the one that I am does not require secret codes... unless we're playing "Spy vs. Spy".

When it comes to sex it is high time that all people finally openly admit that they engage in sex acts because it is pleasurable. As such, the idea that there is a right or wrong situation in which people should engage in sexual contact is a laughably antiquated notion. Beliefs of strict sexual propriety should be reserved for "Head Master and the Naughty School Girl" night.

This does not mean that everyone should rush out and have gay sex while wrapped in latex. I am just suggesting that having a taboo or even laws against a pleasurable activity engaged in by one or more consenting adults and the items required to fulfill these fantasies is ridiculous. At home with a blow-up doll or in the middle of Yosemite with a few dozen of your closest friends, sexual restriction is one of the stupidest things man ever invented. Rather than trying to ban types of sex you find abhorrent, try this instead: DON'T DO THOSE THINGS!

For instance, I get positively nauseated by the very idea of necrophilia. To me it seems disgusting, unsanitary, and unsafe. But if we consider it in clear and rational terms, there is nothing technically wrong with it. A corpse is no longer a legal entity in the eyes of the law, so you can't claim rape. Nobody can claim ownership of the corpse, so there is no desecration of private property. So while the idea seems sick and disgusting to me, that is a personal judgment, not a basis for law. If you want to keep some pervert from humping your dearly departed mother, keep her someplace where you can at least charge the violator with breaking and entering or grave robbing.

Same goes for sex with dead animals. I can't understand people would want to stick bratwursts in their vaginas or anus when there are lovely plastic and glass dildos readily available for masturbatory satisfaction, many with vibratory functions no hot dog has. It just isn't our place to pass laws prohibiting "Wicked Wiener Wednesdays" or naked Jello wrestling.

John Edwards turns on his fellow Democrats

Apparently I don't hold a monopoly on running a campaign based on attracting the lunatic fringe elements.

'The choice for our party could not be any clearer,' (John Edwards) continued. 'We cannot replace a group of corporate Republicans with a group of corporate Democrats, just swapping the Washington insiders of one party for the Washington insiders of the other.'

Of course, he never named the fellow travelers targeted by his broadside. But he left plenty of clues, given Hillary Clinton's time in the White House and Barack Obama's record fundraising. 'The American people deserve to know that their presidency is not for sale,' he said, 'the Lincoln Bedroom is not for rent, and lobbyist money can no longer influence policy in the House and the Senate.'

I'm usually not one to just burst out laughing, but that is comedy. Is there anyone out there who actually believes that a President, any President, even me, is beyond corruption? That's not the way power works. But it's a hell of a good joke.

Campaign Poster (NSFW?)

Presidential Position Statement

Any and all laws preventing people from raising goats within city limits must be abolished. The laws are clearly the inside workings of the powerful lawn mower lobby and the Christian Coalition. As Americans it is our right to tend our property however we see fit. If that includes letting goats graze in the front yard, so be it. But even more frightening is how the Christian Coalition managed to pass ordinances in metropolitan centers all the way down to small villages that prohibit the raising of goats, a known symbol of the Dark Lord, while they continue to put nativity scenes in their yards each year. For longer and longer periods of time, I might add. Who are the truly evil ones?

Bring back the urban goat! And let immigrants from Australia, New Zealand, Scotland, and Iowa have their sheep.

Free Range Urban Goats for Victory!

...and Vote Jake!

A Presidential Promise

Remember the days when butane lighters were easy to use? There were no safety devices on them that prevented children and the physically challenged from using them. Kids were constantly lighting themselves and others on fire. It was a mess. But we changed all that and made America a better and safer place.

That is why I now propose we apply that same thinking to the vehicles we drive. Today in America anyone who wants to drive a car need only put their key in the ignition and give it a slight twist. The result is millions of Americans who are not physically equipped to handle a motor vehicle are able to drive cars, trucks, motorcycles, and RVs. We need to remove this hazard to the safety of Americans. I propose that all new vehicles sold in the US be equipped with and all existing vehicles be retrofitted with manual starting devices and stripped of their electric starters. If a person is to have the responsibility of operating a motor vehicle we need to ensure they have the physical capability of doing so. If a person does not have the physical strength to manually turn over and start their vehicle with a hand or foot crank (or the mental foresight to park on a hill), do they have what it takes to safely operate that vehicle? Can a person with a small, fragile frame truly understand the problems associated with the maneuvering of a large mass such as a Winnebago or Hummer? Wouldn't they be better suited to a Vespa with a side-car? Or maybe a Schwinn.

We put safety caps on medications to prevent children and the enfeebled from consuming pills that could prove harmful to themselves and others. Shouldn't we do the same with our vehicles? And just think of the reduction in dependence on foreign oil when nobody is able to start their SUV!

Totally Warped

Punk's not dead, but it is under new ownership. It's not a bad thing, just strange to witness.

First off, thanks to Bob of Flogging Molly for getting us the hook-up. Most importantly, after spending $12 on two half pints of IPA, it was great to go back to the bus and be offered a beer. I'd swear that Flogging Molly gets better Guinness. Maybe it just soaks up all the good vibrations from the band. And Flogging Molly certainly puts some boot to the glutes.

The real story is in witnessing how the Warped Tour functions. Sorry, the Vans Warped Tour sponsored by AT&T. Don't get too down on the commercialism. For a relatively low ticket price of $32 a person can see several big name bands like Pennywise, Bad Religion, New Found Glory, The Toasters, Tiger Army, and of course, Flogging Molly. With the multiple stage set-up, they never have to wait for the next act like they would at a standard venue. And if they aren't interested in the current events on the main stages, there are a whole bunch of smaller stages where they can check out some new comers to the scene. Or they can go stand in line for ages to get autographs from their favorite band, receive free stuff from AT&T wireless, or just use the ATM. Seriously, the ticket is a bargain for concert hound kids on a budget. And with skateboarders, Mexican wrestlers, continual music, and constant band signings there is enough going on to keep even the worst case of ADHD entertained.

At least half the crowd was younger than my old studded belt. At least half the crowd was wearing studded belts that will not last half as long as mine has. Just in case they forgot to wear their studded belt, several booths offered them for sale on location. In fact, about the only item of scene clothing you couldn't buy there were pants. Maybe I just missed that booth. These kids have grown up in the Hot Topic era where everything they need to look like a goth/punk/emo kid is right there in the mall (with the end result being that they look like they shopped at Hot Topic). The items available at the Hot Topic booth were considerably more selective. Because of the target age group, there was no piercing or tattooing taking place.

But this was less of a concert and more of a freak scene convention. At every convention you'll see hordes of people running around talking on their phones with a plastic grab bag full of freebies and impulse purchases clutched in their hands. The faces and the labels were all that had changed. Given enough time it is easy to imagine half these bands getting together for the Home Depot Emo Renovation Tour. Are you ready to DRYWALL!? Don't worry kids, you've got a good ten years yet. Enjoy it while you can. And buy lots of your favorite band's merchandise so they can afford to eat and will live to be on the Home Depot Renovation Tour (presented by Morgan Stanley).

On the novel side, this was my first large scale exposure to Emo culture. The core of Emo is similar to that of the suburban alternal kids of the grunge era with a bit more goth, metal, and punk stirred in for seasoning and baked for a couple hours every weekend. Emo girls are anorexic waifs (or ones too chicken to puke) with heavy eyeliner and the hair of Rod Stewart dyed black. The boys are too. As for the music, I never lived in the 'burbs so it doesn't mean anything to me. At least I'm guessing that's why I don't get it. The alternative explanation would just be unnecessarily mean.

But I can't get down on the show's scene. None of these kids seemed put out at all by my being there. In fact, there were several who inquired about where I got my kilt and boots. Having grown up being put down for my outward appearance with total disregard for my abilities and still having to face such discriminations, it is wonderful to see broader acceptance of alternative fashion statements. Piercings of the nose, lip and brow I once performed on myself and friends using safety pins and farm hypos are now seen everywhere and available for purchase at shops in cities and towns everywhere. And nothing says acceptance like a teenager willing to lay out a fist full of dollars (or their parent's credit card) to look just like you.

Too bad none of them are old enough to vote for me.

How to be Emo

BBC NEWS | Asia-Pacific | Rudd apology for strip club visit

Why is a prominent Autralian politician apologizing for going to a strip club?

The leader of Australia's opposition Labor Party has apologised for visiting a strip club in New York while representing his country at the UN.

Kevin Rudd went to the club in Manhattan in September 2003 during a visit to the city as a UN observer.

Mr Rudd has released a statement apologising for any offence which his actions may have caused...

A bookish intellectual with a strong Christian faith, Kevin Rudd has a slightly dull, even nerdy public persona.

I don't apologize for visiting a strip club in September of 2003. Nor do I apologize for visiting a strip club at any other time that year or any other year. Except maybe that one where there was so much perfume in the air I had to leave within five minutes. I both regret and apologize for entering that establishment.

Random Endorsements

I typed my name into the Ad Slogan Generator and Movie Quote Generator. The initial results spat out the following.

Make It A Jake Night.

Come with Jake if you want to live.

When considered together, that's one hell of an endorsement. Random chance loves me.

Venezuela's Chavez proposes six-hour workday | U.S. | Reuters

In case anybody wonders why Chavez is so popular in Latin America...

President Hugo Chavez proposed a constitutional change on Wednesday to reduce Venezuela's maximum workday to six hours as part of broader legal changes to advance his self-styled socialist revolution.

Not wanting to be upstaged, I propose America adopt a maximum six hour work week! We're ultimately shooting for zero, but we must do these things in stages. We must escape our go-go meth habits and transition slowly into an MDMA (Ecstasy) economy. While doing this we can begin the import of large quantities of marijuana (until we can meet demand domestically) and increase availability of psychedelics. Until this transition is complete, people will not be prepared for total avoidance of work.

Candidates Compete For Vital Idgit Vote

In The Know: Candidates Compete For Vital Idgit Vote

VOTE JAKE!

He's better than Hitlery, Obama bin Laden, or Deadwards.

JAKE! JAKE! JAKE! JAKE! JAKE!

AWPC

Dude: I just laid there and couldn't get to sleep.

Guy: Have you tried reading?

Dude: It would have to be a pretty boring book. If it's engaging it would just keep me up and locked into it.

Me: Maybe that's why so many people read the Bible.

Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat

Better Understanding

A guy at work was wearing a shirt that read 'But I Just Can't Fix Stupid.' My first inclination was to dismiss it as irony. But then the realization rang terrible and true. This man wasn't stupid, he was average and irony would have been completely lost on him.

I have a tendency to overestimate average intelligence. So every time I find a reminder of what the average level is really like, I'm shocked. It can really depress a person. I don't mind average folks, but half the people are even dumber than that.

Post 911! Scary isn't it?

While I've been combating a private war on immune system terror for the past few days, I can tell that I am finally winning. While my nose is still clogged and my head still fogged, my disposition has improved. I no longer feel the need to sleep for at least 12 hours a day. The thought of making it two hours without collapsing no longer seems so daunting. The most important indicators of success in this war are the signs of genuine liberation. I am craving booze, motorcycles, surfing, and strippers.

Reflections on a Day at the Beach

The ocean is big. Really, really big. Every time I drive out to the coast and catch my first glimpse of the Pacific I am reminded of this. It always amazes me. To pull around a corner and see the ocean stretching out forever over a cliff is an awesome sight. Two thirds of this planet is covered by water and almost no humans live there. We've still got a lot of resources available once we get our act together and start actually utilizing them. The long stretches of Kansas and Montana pale in comparison to the expanse of never ending ocean glistening in the sun.

The taboo against public nudity is one of the most absurd things our so-called enlightened populace clings to. Having to wrap a towel around your torso to put on a wetsuit at the beach is annoying. Given that public nudity is still a crime, thank goodness for bikinis. The beach was packed with teenagers, college girls, and even several young mothers in two-piece suits. Even better was walking along the beach, half blind from lack of corrective lenses while surfing and trying to find the spot where I had stashed my gear, and happening upon a gal breaking the law by sunbathing topless. While there are plenty of individuals who I could happily live out my days without ever seeing in the buff, for every ten of them there is one woman out there that would make the removal of the restrictions on public nudity worthwhile. As a presidential candidate I swear to do everything in my power to correct the injustice to human beauty. Want to piss off those Islamic fundamentalists who seem to think women should be kept in bags? Want to strike a blow against 'them'? Legalize public nudity.

Lastly, an eight foot board still displaces too much water in mushy surf when ridden by a big guy like myself. Aside from the first 45 minutes during which I caught my best ride to date, the rest of the day was small white water breaks. With the exception of a couple of experienced surfers the only people catching waves were small folks with big boards. Lots of belly riding. Now I understand those guys who will bring two or three boards to the beach.

AWPC

Him: Did you get new rims on your truck?

Me: No, my wife just washed them.

I Hate You Ronald Reagan

Her: Would you say pot or alcohol is worse?

Me: I wouldn't say one is worse than the other, just some people are worse than others.

Her: I'm just asking everyone because I'm pissed off. They got rid of (guy) for smoking pot. He's been here three years and never called in and always did his job and they piss test him and he's out of here for something he maybe did two weeks ago.

Me: I blame Reagan. Work place drug testing was his deal.

Her: What an asshole! He was a Republican, right?

Me: Yeah.

Her: God. Him and Bush. What fuckers!

Post no. 907!

My high school reunion is tomorrow. As promised, I will be surfing instead.

Timing

It isn't very often that you can empty both the peanut butter and jam jars while making a sandwich. Even rarer to do it the evening before recycling pick-up. Pretty sweet.

Never Thought of it Before

Is there anything more American than Chinese take-out?

Knight of Pan: How Many Jobs Do Illegals Take?

My good friend Knight of Pan likes to complain about how many jobs illegal immigrants steal from Americans. I'll usually take the opposite side of the issue when he posts because I like playing devil's advocate. I also like calling myself devil's advocate. Satan's Sponsor? I like that as well. But my esteemed running mate beat me to it today. Which is good. It allows me to be a bit more serious about this issue.

As a coworker loves to point out, we used to call them illegal aliens because they didn't belong here. Now we call them illegal immigrants. How long until we stop calling them illegal? That's the xenophobic point of view and it is extremely valid. This is a country made up of laws. These laws only work when everybody follows them. A person who violates the law is gaining some sort of unfair advantage over other people. Exceed the speed limit and you can get to your destination faster than others. J-walking will get you across the street faster than someone who uses only the designated crossing areas. Tax evasion allows you to keep more money than your honest neighbor. Robbing someone gives you the things that person has accumulated without having to acquire them through labor, inheritance, or luck. Hire illegal aliens and you can avoid paying top dollar and benefits. As Mr. Burns once said, cheating is the gift man gives himself. The rule of law is there to keep people from acquiring an unfair advantage. They say all men are equal in the eyes of the law and that is the implied theory. We won't get into how far removed from the truth that is, but the theory is sound.

Now imagine you live in Vietnam. You earn about $100 a month. You hate it there. After your taxes, rent, and food you are left with about $5 each month as spending/savings money. Everyone in your family, rather than spending that $5 each month, saves it. It comes to about $20 a month. You know that in order to enter the United States as a student, get a place to live, and to apply for a student work visa, you'll need at least $1,500. That means it will take you over six years just to get yourself into the US. In order to maintain that visa, you have to stay in school. In order to afford school and a place to live you must keep working full time. By the time you are done paying for school, food, and rent, you've got about $20 a month to spend and you send it all back to your family in Vietnam so they can come to America as well. Meanwhile you apply for citizenship and wait, hoping they will keep granting you work visas because you sure as hell don't want to go back to Vietnam. And your whole extended family is counting on you. They want out of a country where they don't agree with the politics. All the while you are paying taxes and social security into a system that you may never see a single benefit out of if next year they decide to kick you out. Knowing that this is exactly what a coworker of mine has been going through for several years now, I can see the appeal of crossing illegally. If you're pretty and clever, you'll hook up with a citizen and get married. Quick and easy immigration. You can't blame people for wanting to improve their lives. If you were in a similar situation you would curse the country that tried to prevent you from escaping your plight.

Yep, immigration is a really fucked up issue with only one real solution that will more than likely never happen. Get rid of all borders and all governments and you no longer have to deal with legal and illegal immigrants/aliens. That is just a utopian pipe dream. One can only hope that people will achieve a level of sophistication where they perceive each other as true equals and no longer require imperfect laws that try to enforce equality.

Stupid people unable to perceive each other as equals. Glad I'm smarter than them.

Campaign Promise: Off With Their Heads!

We Americans love to import things from China. As a true American who can relate to true Americans like yourself, I promise to import from China. Not just goods, but ideas. While an individual should be held accountable for their actions, a corporation or government agency is in charge of groups of people and therefor should have a much larger degree of accountability. When China's equivalent of the Food & Drug Administration failed the public, his actions were on behalf of all the people of China. China did the only reasonable thing in such a grievous situation, and executed him. I think Scooter Libby's failures are worthy of execution. Rumsfeld botched the Iraq war to the extent that it should be an executable offense. The heads of the FBI and CIA should be put on pikes on public display for their surveillance failures leading up to 9-11. I mean it really was their fault, right? Greenspan's head should definitely be chopped. Why couldn't he keep inflation under control? Janet Reno's handling of Waco is also worthy of a death sentence.

And I swear to conduct myself like a true politician and promise to back pedal and flip-flop if I am elected. There is no way I would want to be held to that level of accountability. Then again, I don't really want to be President and you should all be very scared of anyone who does and threaten them with extreme physical violence if they fuck up.

Or you could just accept personal responsibility for your own health and safety.

Water

In response to Gravel's Rock and Fire campaign videos, I give you Water.

Happiness

There are three things that no matter how bad, seem to always put a smile on my face.

1. Riding my chopper
2. Going surfing
3. Fucking

Is it mere coincidence that all three involve something long and rigid?

All Apologies

I'm sorry. So sorry. This is supposed to be a place where I (sometimes) campaign for the highest office of the land. I've gone about this all wrong. But I'm willing to admit my mistakes and move forward.

After reading through all of the latest campaign crap in places like the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, CNN I am redesigning my campaign to match the high standards of the other politicians.

So like, oh my god, I can't believe Hillary was campaigning with that man whore of a husband of hers. And Obama is just jealous of Hillary. That's why he attacks her all the time. I mean who the hell is he anyway? And Rudy's just coasting on his 9-11 credentials, which is like, oh my god, if I had been there, things would have gone so much better. And don't even get me started on that Republican lap dog McCain.

In short, my opponents are all unphotogenic geezers without the sex appeal necessary to win the popularity political poll.

Vote Jake!

Odds

The odds that a person will win the Powerball jackpot are 1 in 146,000,000.

The odds of winning a state lottery are 1 in 14,000,000.

The odds of being attacked by a shark are 1 in 8,000,000.

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 300,000,000.

So it comes as no surprise that people who are scared to death of getting eaten by a shark will often feel safe playing lottery games. Hell, the odds of me becoming President are 1 in 10,000,000 and that hasn't stopped me.

Pantagleize

See Jake as the bad guy... again.

Sell Your Soul

I sold my soul to Puscifer. So far all I've gotten out of the deal was an e-mail. Since I've sold my soul left and right for quite some time, I guess it's really more of a time share deal. I won't offer to sell it to any of my friends. It's been abused. Like my shirts, boots, and chopper. Gives it character.

Digging Up Dirt

Since nobody else has made a personal attack in hopes of derailing my campaign, it looks like I'll have to do it myself.

This is a video containing the candidate when he was on the cusp of adulthood. Yet there he is, running through the halls of his high school with a gun. While Zero Tolerance had not yet been implemented, that is no excuse for his gun toting antics. Nor is there any excuse for everybody's poor acting, horrendous cinematography, and general lack of taste.

And a Cop Rock joke shows disrespect for the law enforcement community.

And hasn't human cloning been banned?

Ponderance

Eating a bowl of corn flakes, constantly expecting the next bite to taste a little different.

Helpful Hint

The words I write online often get misunderstood. Those who know me on a personal level have a far easier time with my words than those who do not, but mistakes are still made. From now on, whenever you read a piece written by myself, imagine the words being spoken by Johnny Depp in his role as Hunter S. Thompson in Terry Gilliam's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. My voice sounds nothing like that and my thought processes don't even come close to replicating those of the good doctor, but it just might keep you from making a grievous error in judgment concerning my intent.

Insight

While the cornerstone of comedy is tragedy and drama, there are few who have the balls to intentionally create these situations for a laugh.

I Still Think it was Funny

Today I had thoughts out loud that maybe shouldn't have been out loud thoughts for one reason or another.

• Which is more morally depraved, fucking a dead person or fucking a goat? Of course fucking a dead goat would be worse than either of them. Although it does do away with the consent issue, so maybe it's actually not as bad as the other two.
• 'Honey? Can I get a new crack pipe? Its for the baby.'
• Yeah, I've had my hand up a cow's ass. But pulling week old afterbirth out of a cow's cunt is far worse.
• But have you ever found pictures of your friends online and said, 'I didn't no she swung that way,'?
• So the dog would wake up from the anesthetic, see his own testicles sitting in front of him, and eat them.
• A little more voltage and it should fry the shit out of them. That would take care of the problem.
  

Down on the Farm

Here is my dad putting up the new farm sign. The art was created by myself about six or so years ago. Or was it longer? And I'm jealous of their address number.

A Happy Dream

Somewhere off in dream land I came across a giant brick house with white pillars and a big black door. I walk inside and meet several people working on the new href="https://store.puscifer.com/frameset.html">puscifer album. And while I'm happy to be talking with this gal with blond dreadlocks about purchasing an early release copy, I'm disappointed that Maynard isn't around today.

Repeated Expletives:: Call to ban all school tests for under-16s

Repeated Expletives:: Call to ban all school tests for under-16s. That's right, I'm blogging my own blog in a cross-blog kind of way. Because as a Presidential write in non-candidate, I've got something to say. Remember that when a politician says they have a solution, you should run away screaming. Take a moment to go get your track shoes.

Standardized school testing is costly and irrelevant. You could be the mental equivalent of a squid (not a giant or colossal squid but a served with a delicious breading at your local family owned Italian eatery squid) and fork over enough cash to get a college degree. You could also be a freakin' genius and find that universities are so boring you would rather choke to death on Guatemalan donkey dick than induce vomiting by sitting through yet one more lecture by a self-congratulatory professor who feels pretty spiffy for having published three papers on the migratory patterns of the common fern.

(On your mark.) With that said, (Get set.) here is my solution (GO!) for standardized testing. Let's cut it back to one standardized test administered at the age of 16. There will be a huge party the day before with plenty of drugs, booze, and sex provided. This way we can test how a person will behave in a real world environment. The test will still have the standard math, science, and language comprehension questions we have all come to know and love and pat ourselves on the back for doing so well in. In addition, it will have social skills and shop sections. While it is important to gauge how well a person will be able to schmooze their way through life, it is just as relevant to find out if you can flow a cylinder head or frame a garage. Scoring will be as follows;

• 100% - You get a private compound loaded up with drugs, booze, and all the coitus you can handle. We only ask that you dedicate some of your free time to research.
• 90th percentile - College bound.
• 80th percentile - It's tech school or junior college for you, unless you have enough money to bribe, er, make a sizable donation to a state school.
• 70th percentile - We'll let you finish high school. You're not totally worthless.
• 60th percentile - McDonalds needs you! Now! You may finish high school if you enlist in the armed services.
• 50th percentile - Cop.
• 40th and below - You will receive a temporary position assisting with the manufacture of Soylent Green. Unless you are physically attractive. Then you will be sterilized and shipped off to assist the 100% crowd.
  

Dream Symbology of Note

After a personal discussion with NASA about the shortcomings of their latest attempts at extra-planetary manned missions and how the chocolate chocolate-chip cookies they are selling as a fund raiser suck, I go for a jog while levitating ten feet off the ground wearing only tight blue briefs and an erection while on my way to purchase new bras for my wife.

Surfday

It's Memorial Day weekend, I have Monday morning off, and I am going to hit the beach. It may be Sunday and it may not be a Sun day, but it is certainly a surf day.

C-Day

While many will never forget and continue to commemorate D-Day, today is C-Day. C stands for Chaos. Four years ago today was the day that all hell broke loose, ushering in the most insanely chaotic year of my life thus far. Life changing decisions would be made with coin tosses. The interval between extreme highs and extreme lows and sometimes right back again could be mere minutes. There was over exuberant optimism and puissant pessimism.

Looking back, it seems certain that I had gone mad. Still, it was a wild ride well worth taking. To behold that much condensed chaos, wow. Like riding a papier-mache skateboard through a hall of broken glass.

Mapping a Giant

The Monterey Bay National Marine Sanctuary's efforts have helped to disect one of the biggest of the big waves along the US coast.

...strong North Pacific storms generate large, long-period waves from more westerly directions that shoal and break over the bedrock reef just to the east of Sail Rock. The abrupt topography of the bedrock reef causes wave energy to converge over the reef, causing the wave to rapidly slow down, shorten in length and substantially increase in height relative to the areas just to the north and south of the east-west trending reef. This interaction of the geology and oceanography is what makes the wave at Mavericks so spectacular compared to many other locations along central California.

Celebrity

It seems I have developed a fan base at work. This week I switched from working swing shift, which I have done for over a year now, to the grave yard shift. My boss said that operators had already started putting in requests for transferring to my shift. I thought he was joking. Turns out that one gal from swing is coming to my shift in early June and two others are putting in requests to switch.

All this reminds me of several years ago when I was sending out resumes to video game companies. That was a real hellish period for me. Looking back on it, I have realized that it drove me insane. It wasn't the nice kind of insanity I have constantly whirling around me. The job hunt hell drove me into a maniacal frenzy to the point that I had lost my ability to think rationally. I knew that any one of these potential employers would be lucky to have me. None of them could have wished for a better employee. Yet after 1,000 applications to companies all over the world, my skills had met with nothing but rejection. It had driven me to insanity.

There was an underlying block to my job hunt at the time. I had very little in the way of industry relevant skills and had no way to get them without being hired on by a firm in that industry. The one thing I had above and beyond everyone else was the full knowledge that I could learn the skills quicker and in short order do them better than anyone else. It sounded like a wild boast when read back from the pages of a cover letter. To make matters worse, people were constantly lying about being that sort of person when they were not.

Eventually I found myself in a situation where my need for a job was beyond urgent. Finally I went to a temp service and lied! What kind of manufacturing experience did I have? Oh, I worked for this company and that company operating these types of machines. So the temp service sent me to a potential employer and I lied again. Now I'm the one maintenance guy they would hate to lose. Stories of my abilities get circulated around the plant with mystery and awe. They say I fix machines as though by magic (which unbeknownst to them, I have actually done). A person who has been in maintenance there for over a decade loves to regale people with the story of how I kept the entire plant working all by myself one night, never once needing to ask for his assistance even though I had been instructed to do so should a situation arise. Someone pipes in that he's run the floor by himself before. "No, you took care of all the minors while Jake was busy with a major malfunction all day. He has actually done it all by himself."

All this because I always do the best I can... and I lied.

Optimism

While it is easy to get yourself down by looking around seeing all of the people in higher positions than you who don't deserve to be there, I've found there are hordes of people in positions lower than my own who definitely deserve to be there.

Don't Forget Mother's Day

Beauty

The Billabong Pro - Tahiti is taking place right now. They hold it at what I consider the most beautiful wave on the planet, Teahupoo. (For a close approximation of pronunciation, think of what you might call Chia Pet droppings but with the accent on the second syllable.). It's a beautiful, thick reef break. While I don't really care who is competing or who wins, I'm following the action for all the footage of this awesome tube.

While I doubt I'll ever be a good enough surfer to challenge Teahupoo, I'd still love to one day go there and just see it. All the photos and video I've seen of this break are fantastic.

Sight Seeing in Portland

When a friend comes to town, it's always good to show them the things that make your city distinct from all the others. There are few things more distinctly Portland than a strip club. We have loads of them. So on Saturday when my friend wanted to go strip clubbing for his birthday visit, I took him on a tour.

It started at the Acropolis. If you only go to one strip club in P-town, this is the place. Dive bar atmosphere open from 7am until 2:30am. Dancers all day long. While you tend to only get the A-list during peak hours, the peak hours are long and the B-list ain't bad. They also have a variety of dancers from the blondes with the boob jobs to the pierced and tatted alt girls to some immigrants from places like Norway and Uruguay. They also serve a damn good steak dinner for only $5.

Then it was off to Union Jack's. The place is on the posher end of things and their were quite a few lesbians hanging out. The girls tend to be on the alt side of things ranging from twiggy to meaty. A nice clean place with comfy chairs and candles on the tables.

Sassy's was a bit of a gamble. I had only been in their once before and was unimpressed. I had heard that the place is actually a great joint during prime time. Saturday night it was rocking. The music selections were punk, metal, and rock-a-billy. The girls were tall and thin with obviously natural smaller breasts. Tattoos and piercings were the general rule with 3 out of 6 of the dancers having their septums pierced.

Next was a trip to a place that had a very interesting concept, but I will never set foot in again, The Safari. It is done up with multiple stages, a couple of pools, and a hot tub that patrons are welcome to take a dip in. Swimming with a bunch of drunks at a strip club? No thanks. While the dancers showed a broader racial diversity than the other clubs, they were all definitely of the 'mass appeal' variety. It was also extremely packed with expensive drinks.

We ended the night at my special little strip club. When I moved to Portland, it was nice to have a decent little strip club within walking distance. The place tended to feature goth and alt girls on the skinny and small breasted end of the spectrum. Imagine my horror when I show up after not having been for a couple of months, to discover it had turned into a bar and grill and it was karaoke night! Nudity is one of the oldest art forms known to man. Karaoke is... is... ugh! There are no words for it. Then a while back I noticed the sign had changed to feature a bikini clad torso on a beach. Could it be true? Why yes it was. So we closed out Club Cabos. New stages, no pool table, no pinball machine, but the dancers are still pretty cool. They seem to be keeping one alt girl, one hip-hop girl, and one 'normal' girl in the mix at all times. Can't blame them for playing the spectrum.

And that is how you go sight-seeing in Portland.

Real Reality, Really

At work I had an idea for a TV show. I pitched it to coworkers thusly;

I call it 'America's Next Reality TV Star'. It's a reality TV show in which ordinary people compete for the chance to be on a reality TV show.

Unfortunately some of them not only thought I was serious, they thought it was a great idea.

Does anybody wonder why we're fucked as a culture?

AWPC: The Secret

Plant Manager: I just read The Secret. Have any of you read it?

Me: I watched the movie.

PM: Really? How was it?

Me: I thought it was an over simplification of the esoteric principles of multiple theological and ritual systems. While it has mass appeal and the information as given has no inherent flaws, it glossed over the fundamental roots required for success in such endeavors.

PM: Wow. That went right over my head.

Me: Yeah, I tend to do that some times.

PM: Well, I'm going to think positive thoughts and win the lottery.

Me: Good luck with that.

Lucky Day

It has been a day of bad luck turned good. It really all started yesterday. While getting ready for work, I couldn't find my sunglasses. I've been wearing the same style green tinted sunglasses since high school. It felt strange not having them. At the end of my shift while trying to kick start the chopper, she kicked back at me. Sportsters have been known to kick back hard enough to toss someone off the bike and I've even heard of broken feet from those silly enough to try starting an old bike while wearing sneakers. My chop kicked back hard enough to snap off the shoulder bolt I had been using as a kicker pedal for the past year. With a very sore foot I jumped on the end of the kicker bar until she was going.

My first item of business for the day was to replace the pedal. The initial plan was to give her back the old one. I had taken it off a couple of years ago when the '73 snapped her kicker bar. The old popsicle pedal was still in the closet attached to that broken bar. I decided to give that one a shot since I really just needed the pedal, not the whole assembly. With the old broken set up in hand, I went to the other closet for my wrenches. Sitting on top of my tool box were my sunglasses. While I have always been a master of chaos organization techniques, that one had slipped me up. So Now I had my sunglasses back!

As I tried to fit the new pedal onto the old bar I ran into a slight problem. The spacing was slightly off. Without the spring steel of the broken pedal, the old popsicle was loose. But I couldn't slide the pedal in with the chunk of spring steel. In the grand tradition of backyard mechanics everywhere, I decided to force the issue. With quite a bit of muscle, I managed to slide the assembly together and bolt it tight. Now for the first time in this chopper's history it has a foot pedal that actually stays up while riding!

Needing to fuel up both myself and the bike before work, I took the fix for a test run. Burgerville was my lunch stop, Pacific Northwest fast food that brags about using as many natural and local ingredients as they can. Decent stuff. I upgraded my drink to a chocolate and coffee milkshake. I got my food and they told me that the milkshake would be out shortly. About half way through the meal someone stops by my table and asks what kind of milkshake I had ordered. As I finish up my food someone asks me if I ever got my milkshake. No I hadn't. Could I just get a refund on it since I am done eating? The manager offers to get me the milkshake and give me a coupon for another one free. Thanks for the offer but I'm on my motorcycle. So they refund my medium milkshake with a large milkshake and still give me a coupon for another one free!

And now I am posting this via Firefox on Ubuntu. I am successfully running Linux on my Mac! The problem was the Airport all along. Now that I have the Linksys router it all works fine without me having to change a single setting. And so far I really like Ubuntu.

Yep. This is a lucky day for me.

Common People

While playing games online someone makes the statement, "I'd rather have no money than too much money." I told him that he obviously had never been dead broke, kitchen empty, about to be kicked to the curb poor then. To which he replied that he had. I dropped it.

I dropped it because I know that it was almost certainly a lie. At least not a full truth. For anyone who has ever found themselves in that situation, where the money is gone, the rent is due, and the gut is wondering if it will ever see anything better than rice and water ever again (and glad that the rice no longer tasted good or else we'd probably run out of that as well), there is no question. Ask any person in that situation, any one of them, EVERY SINGLE LAST GODDAMN ONE OF THEM. Ask them to choose between having no money, or one billion dollars. No other catch. Just one or the other. For every person in that situation, there is only one answer. Yes it is a broad generalization, but I would challenge anyone out there to hit the streets, find such a person, and make them that offer with cash in hand and find a single one of them that wouldn't take the cash.

Yeah, I'd rather have loads and loads and loads of money than to have none at all. Any day, any night, 24/7, 365. I say that as a person who once found himself in that situation on a cold and lonely Christmas Eve, breaking down in tears long distance. I say it as a person who grew up with less than most but always enough to get by. I say it as someone who once bought a bag of dog food because it cost the same as a couple of loaves of bread and would last 5 times longer. So don't talk to me about the piety of poverty. Hard times, hard times, come again no more.



God I love getting angry. Good cardiovascular workout

Is it too early?

Many people around the nation have found themselves wondering, is it too early for all this Presidential election hubub to start? The election isn't until the fall of 2008 and here we are in the spring of 2007 with campaigns already in full swing.

My running mate and I agree that it is nowhere near too early to start a campaign for 2008. In fact, we are here and now formally announcing our candidacy not just for 2008, but for 2012 as well. That's right, if we aren't elected in 2008 you can bet we'll be back for more. And if we are elected, then we might as well get a jump start on our reelection campaign. Others may hem and haw and form exploratory committees. Not us. We don't need other people telling us what our chances are before deciding if we really want to pursue the jobs. We were born ready to abuse the powers of the executive branch.

Jake and X in 2008 AND 2012!

Praise Bob!

teX Day is coming up. Here's a promo video. NSFW because they show the illustrious boobage of the legendary Sister Decadence, but she's got her fingers holding her nipples, so it might be okay for some of y'all.

Dream Journal

This one was a definite sharp left turn. Usually I can pick up quite quickly on most of the symbols present. This one mixed too many more obscure ones that don't pop up often.

I decide to make magic mushroom tacos for my friends. I make up three different types of fillers; beef, chicken, and vegetarian. I mix them with cheese, lettuce, the magic mushrooms, and store each in its own Viking horn. We get together, break out the wraps, and make tacos. Some take from their favorite horn while others mix up from different horns. We all get very well fed and I know I need to drive us all home before the drugs come on too strong, and I can already see the effects. Writing on park benches and the sides of buildings has started to leap off like a reticulated 3d image and people's faces have taken on an auric glow.

Mmm, Viking Magical Mystery Tacos.

Phrase Translation

Certain phrases will pop-up repeatedly. Many people assume they know the meaning of these phrases because they understand all of the words contained within the phrase. This is often not the case. As a public service, I will try to post actual translations of these phrases as I come across them.

Today's PhT for you to chew on comes from all those people looking for relationships by using MySpace. You will often see a phrase that says;

I'm looking for someone who doesn't play mind games.

PhT: I am completely oblivious to what a jackass/bitch I am, so I'd prefer it if you just kept quiet except to agree with me.

War and Starvation: A Solution

We spend all this money on wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Every day there are hundreds of people dieing while draught, famine, and poverty force so many in this world to go hungry every night. I know I'm not the first person to have this idea, but it is one worth repeating in hopes that some day it may catch on. Instead of spending billions of dollars on new technology for fighting wars, why not invest a little of that in figuring out how to turn war casualties into food for the starving?

The Gospel According to Jake

Looks like I might have to start my own church. A co-worker asked if I could perform a marriage ceremony for him. I looked up Oregon's regulations and found out;

Ministers of any church organized, carrying on its work, and having congregations in this state may perform marriages in this state if authorized by their church to do so.

So while my ULC credentials are legit, if I don't have an actual church to go with it, I can't use my credentials. But if I'm going to go through the trouble of starting my own church with a regular 'congregation' I need it to be something that I can actually get up on a pulpit and scream my fool head off about. Coffee and beer make me quite loquacious. Both of them are brewed beverages. It would be like the Free Masons, only the Brewers. That name isn't being used for any other purpose, is it? I had to give up on the Viking religion because everyone thought I was part of some sports team. Damn you, Portland State University!

Or maybe I could walk in with my Discordian Pope card and explain to them how it's against my religion to have a church and congregation since my first act as a Pope was to excommunicate all the other Popes. We also happen to be the world's largest disorganized religion. But then there is the whole issue of the government not accepting the validity of Discordianism. Which is absolutely absurd since Discordians don't accept the validity of government.

Or I could tell the guy I can't do it, but what's the fun in that?

The A-Team: An AWPC

R: I kind of feel like I'm on the A team now.

M: No. You've got a long way to go for that.

R: You saying I'm still on the B team? I think I've got what it takes to be on the A team.

Jake: Alright. You're Howling Mad Murdoch, I'm B.A. Baracus, and he's Face.

R: Wait. Why do I have to be the old one?

Jake: You're not the old one. You're the crazy one.

Goat

Coming In Late

I kept popping into conversations at strange times today. Like at first break as I walk and someone is saying, "...brown sugar. Right Jake?" I mean how could I say no to that? And then walking up as someone says, "...they are definitely a little bit more on the exotic side." Later I walked up as someone mentioned, "...so I had to take my shirt off, too."

But there was one conversation I was present for and offered my humble opinion on.

Jake: What's so bad about Easter dinner with the family? There's nothing better than eating ham to celebrate the murder of a Jew.

Radical Rodents

They surf better then I do.

Lessons

Today I spoke with my best friend's oldest kid. I learned that he has a penis, likes milk, and is quite proficient at assembling Lego subdivisions.

Passion

After much avoidance, I finally watched Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ. The words to describe this film came without effort.

HOLY FUCKING GOD DAMNED PIECE OF SHIT!

I thought everybody was exaggerating. What the fuck!? Let me repeat my review of the value of this film to our culture.

HOLY FUCKING GOD DAMNED PIECE OF SHIT!

I grew up Lutheran. I went to church every Sunday. I know the story. So let me say one more time...

HOLY FUCKING GOD DAMNED PIECE OF SHIT!