Sweet Constancy

This old house I rent is at least consistent. All winter it tends to be cold. Today, even though outside it is a beautiful summer day, it was still cold in the house. So cold I initially feared getting out of bed. I awoke from dreams of turning on the space heater. That means the bedroom AC only gets turned on about 5 days a year during the major heat waves.

Bonk!

I just witnessed a squirrel throwing pine cones with great accuracy at the yellow dog's head.

Look Twice

For my RSS feeds I recently added a surfing news feed and placed it where the adult industry news feed was, relegating the former to a lower slot. Sometimes I look at headlines in one and confuse which source it is from for a moment. Imagine my relief when I realized that my mind had temporarily mis-attributed the headline Hot Tuna Summer of '69 BPSA tour event completed.

The Aristocrats

So a family walks into a talent agent's office and says, "We've got an act you might be interested in."

Without even looking up the talent agent says, "I've already heard this one a thousand times this week. The cleaning bill is bankrupting me. Not interested." With that he presses a red button on his desk. Two large security guards enter the office and escort the family outside.

Peter turns to his sister Jane and his daughter Bridget and says, "Maybe Disney would be interested."

Fill 'er Up

Somebody finally took the film Sechs Schwedinnen von der Tankstelle and brought it closer to reality.

Australian brothels are offering clients discounts based on their gas bills... Brothel owners claim the system works much the same way as supermarkets which offer shoppers discounted gas prices by presenting their grocery bills when they fill up their tanks... Once you've filled up your car, bring your receipt to the brothel and they'll discount the price of your visit.

In the film clients get over-charged because the Swedish girls keep the pump running while providing full service. I like the economics of the Australian version better.

And here's an extremely NSFW clip from Six Swedes at a Pump. No nudity, no profanity, no violence, but getting caught watching it at work would still prove awkward. This is one of the strangest and silliest pieces of adult entertainment you're likely to ever see, with everyone fully clothed.

Not An AWPC

I carry three tools in the side pockets of my Carharts at work. The two pockets on my right leg carry my pliers and an Enderes 4-in-1 screwdriver. In the pocket on my left leg, just below the unused hammer loop, is where I keep 'Ron Jeremy'. That is what a co-worker nick-named my Crescent wrench. It is a well used tool that has 'been around'. It is about the same length as its namesake and probably close to the same age. And I use it for lots of things such a tool should not be used for.

For instance, towards the end of my shift tonight, I was doing an emergency repair to a grinder. After using Ron Jeremy to tighten the replacement for a broken stop bolt, one of the clamp depression fingers was still just a bit too high to fully open the clamp. The chain was dragging on the clamp as it tried to feed through. Not having my hex keys on me to loosen the fixture and move the finger in the prescribed fashion, I once again whipped out Ron Jeremy, gave the fixture three solid whacks, pressed the 'RUN' button, and gave the operator the thumbs-up.

Maintenance is fun when you've got Ron Jeremy in your pocket.

AWPC: Surfing

Both Mark and I were feeling fairly beat up today. A full day of sun and surf will do that to you. Especially when the waves were as good as they were on Sunday at Short Sands. Still, we were both in very good moods and quite mellow.

Jake: It's like coming to work on drugs but without the paranoia of getting caught.
Mark: Yeah.

I Can't Surf

Three guys are walking through the sand. I say three guys but it's actually two guys and the one guy's best friend and wife who is NOT a talking pie. And the sand is on the beach, not the dessert. And they brought food and drink with them. And they brought surf gear.

Comrade Robot

From the Communist Robot Manifesto:

A Capitalist economy is not fit for autonomous robot industrialization. A Communist economy however is perfectly suited for the implementation of a fully robotic workforce. In a Communist economy the government controls industry and wealth distribution to insure that everyone is afforded basic amenities. Communism exists as a response to the disproportional wealth distribution of industrialized nations and functions better as an idealist philosophy than an actual economic system because it lacks the incentive of riches and glamour that compel development through Capitalism.
Robots will change all of this.

Robots topple the infrastructure of Capitalism by displacing its most valuable asset: the common worker. Robots will empower Communist countries by lifting the burden of labor from their social structure and granting greater opportunities for education and scientific exploration.

Surf's Up Dude

Sunday surfing at Short Sands. I'll be sure to grab some vid this time.

NSFW: Some Comedy

People keep telling this joke but I don't think they really get the point of it. I just keep hearing total rip-offs of the same version told over and over without making it their own. So here's my version.

You could probably watch this at work if you have headphones. It's not like I'm strokin' my willy or something.

Always With the Magnets

Some Dubliners claim to have accidentally discovered a 285% efficient generator utilizing magnets.

These dynamic and personable businessmen from Dublin insist that they have found a way of producing free, clean and limitless energy out of thin air. And they are so confident that they have thrown down the gauntlet to the scientific community in a bid to prove that they have rewritten the laws of physics. Last week, frustrated that they couldn't persuade scientists to take their work seriously, McCarthy, Walshe and the other 28 shareholders of Steorn, a privately owned technology research company, took out a full-page advertisement in the Economist. In it, they called upon scientists to form a 12-member jury to decide whether their free-energy system is real, hoaxed, imagined or incorrectly well-intentioned.

I feel extremely skeptical and extremely hopeful. Develop some feelings of your own by reading the Guardian article.

Truly Tasteless Joke

It has been a while since I've heard a good tasteless joke. I thought I should share.

What is 18 inches long, stiff as hell, and makes women scream in the middle of the night?

Answer here.

TV Planets

"Pluto is dead."

Pluto has been stripped of its status as a planet and been regrouped with the likes of Xena as a new category of celestial objects called Dwarf Planets.

There are now eight classic planets. These can be divided into the Terrestrial Planets of Mercury, Venus, Earth, and Mars with the asteroid belt seperating them from the Jovial Planets of Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune. Coincidentally the Leary Eight Circuit Brain Model can be divided into four terrestrial circuits and four post-terrestrial circuits.

I imply NOTHING!

AWPC: For The Birds

M: Hey Jake. Did you see the falcon in back?
Me: No. What year?
M: No. I mean a FALCON, falcon. It's back in packaging.
Me: A live one?
M: Yeah.

Sure enough, he took me back into the warehouse and there was a raptor hanging out in the rafters.

The Only Solution

In a nation riddled with fear, I have the solution. Americans everywhere are terrified of another 9/11 and this fear is manifesting in physical forms. But I can stop it if you let me. People everywhere, I implore you, let's join forces and never let 9/11 happen again. To do this, take out your calendar, turn to the month of September, and cross out the 11th. Renumber this day the 12th and continue through the month until you have renumbered what was the 30th to the 31st. If we all do this, 9/11 can never happen again.

And to make certain there is never another Pearl Harbor, I suggest we rename it "Happy Fun Time Bay". Vote Jake!

Let's Face It, It's Funny

In Mumbai, India a new restaurant with a controversial theme has opened.

'Hitler's Cross', which opened last week, serves up a wide range of continental fare and a big helping of controversy, thanks to a name the owners say they chose to stand out among hundreds of Mumbai eateries...

"We are not promoting Hitler. But we want to tell people we are different in the way he was different."

They want people to know that they are deranged syphilitics drastically over-compensating for their lack of stature through use of strong language, folk symbology, and the extermination of those who made fun of them in school.

See, Hitler jokes are funny.

Loose Cannon

Ex-Army specialist Korey Rowe is creating quite a stir with his film, Loose Change.

MICHAEL SLENSKE: Do you work for the CIA?

KOREY ROWE: No, I do not work for the CIA.

Good enough for me.

Looking Around Me

So far today I have seen some interesting things.

While most months go by without me seeing any such thing, today I saw two V-Dub old school chopper style trikes. One was parked out by Scapoose and the other was across from New Seasons Market in P-town.

While driving near St. Helens I spotted an old 4 door rat rod with flame job for sale for less than $6k. Think it was a 50's Merc. A real bargain, but not my thing.

And while going through downtown I spotted a pair of cops instructing a tall, thin, naked man to lie down on the sidewalk. Personal opinion here; naked people really don't pose much of a threat to society. If they are managing to conceal a weapon, they are braver than anyone I know. As a nation we really need to get past this public nudity thing. The only ones who can get away with it are those who choose to be naked all the time. Sometimes I want to be naked, other times I want to cover up. But I have no choice if I want to leave my yard. It's an all or none deal. I felt sorry for the naked guy. It has to be uncomfortable to lie naked and face down on a city sidewalk on a hot day.

Flirting With Danger

It happens fairly regularly. Today it was at the tobacconist. The girl behind the counter had dark black hair that was a cross between Joan Jett and Betty Page. She sported some 1980's retro look with her ripped pink t-shirt and denim mini-skirt. The tattoos and septum piercing looked good on her. Then she smiles at me with that narrowing of the eyes and slight curl of the lip that seems to scream, "I could eat you up." She is inviting me to flirt with her, but I don't.

Women often either send me signals to start flirting or even start to flirt with me. I can't flirt back. Many people consider flirting a harmless little exchange. Not me. I can't do that to people. I've seen the way some of the girls at work look at me. It is most obvious when I am talking about my wife. The way I always describe her as the coolest and most fantastic person I know and how much I love her, the girls look at me with a face that says, "I want a guy who'll talk about me like that." They are in love with me. Not me as an individual, because many of them have no desire to be with a person of my type, but what I represent as a partner. Some of them have floated some harmless little flirtations my way. To flirt back would destroy the image of the ideal man they see in me.

It would also be a complete tease. Imagine getting an announcement from your favorite bottle shop telling you that for one day only you can get 75% off your entire purchase. So you trek on down and stare at all of your favorite brews. When you try to buy something the clerk informs you that they are not actually selling any beer today, but if they were you would get the discount promised. That ain't right. I can't do that to someone.

But I am more than willing to go down to the strip club and lay out some bills. That's fun. The boundaries are established. In exchange for money girls will dance naked for me. No crossed signals. They want nothing more from me and I expect nothing more from them. In fact the one time a dancer suggested that something more could happen I was totally creeped out. That ain't right, either. Unless it's Nevada.